Royal librarian of Dream Valley, writer of Ponykind's greatest generation!
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(MLP G5) The ever immortal Applejack, wandering the lands of a divided Equestria, laments how much ponies had forgotten the lessons and magic of friendship. Set in the early days of the new generation five era, our lonely ageless earth pony looks for bright glimmers of hope in an age that sees her only as a legend...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ya know, this brings a chuckle as AJ's here and Sparkle ain't ...
[Wonder if Izzy remains AJ of Pinkie when they meet?]
I like the story and the world building.
Now this will be fascinating to see the contrast in views between the past and the present. This concept shows a lot of promise.
AJ must be having deja vu from the Cakes
So all the alicorns but Flurry Heart are gone... that's sad.
Hmmm, wonder if Twi pulled a Pillar's move (without her Council) ... [and part of G5 will be freeing her] ...
10942627
Certainly brings a new meaning to "Twilight won't outlive her friends", doesn't it?
Well... the premise is good, you've definitely got a story here. But dear lord, you need an editor. This is painful to read.
10943829
edited version published this time
that's what happens when I rush to get a chapter out late night.
The story and characterization's are swell. Though, I am inert on the idea that the alicorn's are needed to have a better world. Like ya they are a cool symbol and all.
But...narratively and thematically it read's distrubing they...need the alicorns to see themselves as a collective people?
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No, they don't need the alicorns to see themselves as a collective people. I keep mentioning the alicorns disappearance with the loss of harmony, because I'm using the disappearance of alicorns to symbolize the disappearance of friendship and harmony, since both disappeared from equestria at the same time.
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Ah! Thank you for the clarification! I think of so used Alicorn's being the end all be all story wise sometimes...it kind of didn't occur it was more symbism? Yes?
Also...I am enjoying the story will Apples maintain as the main character?
Further would she drop bit's of history narratively (its also just cool)? And this is a question? So...Do you plan on having Apples join her friend's aka die? Or is she a even greater immortal then even discord? Also...I just love that it's AJ is the immortal ,though fluttershy would have been interesting...
10943829
Thank you for your review, I hope you'll still give it a chance :)
10944249
Well, I’m tracking for now, but it still needs some serious work. You really should have someone else look at your chapters before you publish them— a second eye is always helpful, whether it’s for proofreading or story purposes (proper chronology, detail continuity, etc).
Sneaking the two foals out of town and to appropriate homes is definitely a good start to an adventure story (if that’s what this is going to turn into, you should tag it as such), and it has great potential, but when readers need to work to read it properly (like adding missing words in their heads, deleting unnecessary ones, etc), it really breaks the immersion.
Nice syndrome?
Ok. Apples...good to know everything was better in the good old day's. And oh...Ponies controlled everything. Ya...yes...the horror of having nature be nature. Like if she said something else... I actually appreciate that you aimed for her to say something she believes in. A great writing is when let your character's be and say what they would say.
I do hope that this story won't say take away modernism. Like saying the world is not all evil...Because saying that thing's are all horrible is a way of going about thing's. I guess? Well, now that I think about it...your aiming for..."harmony" = magic. So...
Never mind. :)
I like this. Fleshed everything out and we got a cute ex scene, did not expect that. Figured you would have gone for right to harmony making and all that jazz.
This was my favorite chapter by the way.
Ultimately, the story choices really inspired me to expriement story wise for this generation. But, beyond my personel tastes - the writing was lovely.
Rant incoming (this is just for me, mind):
Just for myself here. The sort...say "harmony" where all ponies have to exist in harmony and all that is always feels a little weird. That is only because one day we may find a species that...well is seen as sentinet by us. How will we treat them?
Like I alway's think what do the other species think about ponies not controlling everything anymore...honestly that story will be put in my to write list thing. The whole mentally even in amagical land and kids show as it is...
their is element colonizer brain with all ponies this and that. Now
could this work as a story for the characters to believe...yes.
What does a deer? Elk? Or griffon or dragon say in the fact that Luna and Celestia made the star's? Or what have you?
- now I want to write that story...hmm
End rant.
Cheer's! Have a good morn.
I love so much this story, it's so interesting 😍🐭
You...don't buck around do you?
I am not sure if you will touch on it. But, and this is my head canon. Earth ponies have alway's (or, right long enough, ya?) Been a unspoken underclass? Not that I think necessarily important to comment on if that is your vibe.
Just got me thinking about that... also...
I am not, entirely sure how these ponies are "politically correct" if they...murder each other.
Almost as if "progress" is seen as evil? Or rather What survives in there eyes is testament to ponies....weaknessess. It is a interesting contrast.
Honestly the more I read the more I am interested in reading more. I am also curious because you woven hint's politic's, so I wonser if all instistuation's will be just prop's for evil's earth, sky, head pony?
And they will all happily go back having lord's and master's like the good old day's when ma was at home and the stallion's worked the field's.
I am also more curious to see how you present Flurry after my quary about wanting folk to learn and just grow, ya? After reading this chapter and (I assume, hint's to come. : ) It makes me think about why...Flurry has not done anything? (Ironic)
Basically, I am excited what your going to do next! Cheer's!
Ps. I really really want to know why AJ is immortal...so I will go read your other stuff to see if I can find out.
Aaaahh, there's out genocidal leader trying to buck genetics ...
10954386
I must admit that threw me off as well, as this would be the first time irl or in fiction that I heard anyone refer to violent/genocidal segregationists as politically correct. Usually that term is reserved for the other side of the spectrum.
Disregarding morals for the "greater good"? Yep, totally evil.
Better. The beginning was pretty good. But one of the things that is really glaring is "M'mam." It's spelled "Ma'am." PLEASE fix that.
That aside, you've got me interested in the story. You're establishing the map and how Equestria (or whatever they may be referring to it as now) has changed, some of the lore is interesting... But I have to repeat other readers' confusion about where political correctness applies.
I will say, though:
That's a pretty damn good evil line.
10954386
10954461
10954546
Notice how "politically correct" is in quotation marks. That's the Dream Valley ponies holding the modern Equestrians in contempt for their hypocrisy. Modern Equestria's leadership of the three tribes presents itself as an open and tolerant society, and uses that kind of language, while actually being three murderous and xenophobic regimes. The "politically correct" ponies thing is sarcasm.
10954461
It's said these ponies despise the ones who are politically correct.
10954611
Ah, Double Speak.
Whoa so it looks like Applejack is the only one who is still alive but how I guess we'll found it about that another time and I do like how sunny is related to Applejack this is an interesting start of the story
Oh wow Applejack you even give up how things are that's so kinda sad seeing her like that and it looks like Argyle is asking Applejack help to save unicorn and the Pegasus
Don't you mean Pipp?
Well, that comforting that they won't be harmed. Of course, not if the chancellor has anything to say about.
Ohh you will find good friends 😁
damn! suny's playin' dirty
"of average height" lol
good point, aj
i'm surprised they haven't found some stupid excuse to fire hitch by now
10955460
It's linked in to this author's other stories (not necessarily a direct link, but the concept is there whenever AJ appears). There's one specifically focusing on Applejack, though I don't remember if it details why she's immortal. Having read most of their other stories up to a certain point, though, I can say with almost full confidence that it's around somewhere.
Maybe it'll be explained again in this one, maybe not (unless I'm late to the ride here)
Well this is certainly a darker take on the tribal separation. Not sure how I feel about the concept of AJ being immortal though. As others have said, it might behoove you to get someone to give this story an editorial spit polish so to speak. Also, there's definitely an undertone of technology bad in this story, the long bit about pegasi being locked in their phones made me almost feel guilty that I was reading this story at all, because unless you have a physical copy somewhere, I was reading on my phone.
This pony is going to make a very disgusting meal when I eat her but I will have to eat sprout as well I’m afraid, and I will eat any other pony who thinks like that as well. For the good of all.
Of course it turns out... pegai can no longer fly, and unicorns can no longer use magic. And it's a safe bet that Earth ponies have lost their super strength.
I also how AJ will react to Sunny becoming the first new goddess Equestria has seen in eons.
And a CEO Mare I can see becoming drunk off her flanks when she finds out she was protecting ponies from a non-existent threat her whole life... sure she sold them garbage products to make a profit... but hearing they didn't have magic, she was obviously surprised... And she pressured her son to whip the town into a paranoid frenzy with a hair-brained scheme that he nearly got himself killed.
10991834
It always starts with the bad ponies... then we move onto the ponies who felt bad for the bad ponies... then those who say we shouldn't be eating ponies get eaten too...
Make terror the order of the day for the enemies of equality and freedom.
Ask Robespierre.
An important irony about the whole thing is:
Unicorns are now the ones living close with nature (like Earth Ponies).
Pegasi are focused on status and culture (like unicorns).
And Earth ponies are now militant like (pegasi).
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good point about the business mare, but as for Sunny becoming an alicon. well, maybe she will, but we know in my timeline the only alicorns left by the time of g1 are Dazzleglow and Skyla
10991518
not technology, but it's misuse. the problem isn't the pegasus using cell phones, it's them losing sight of everything else around them.
10996725
precisely
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yes, ironic, isn't it? each tribe has become like the ones they hate.
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Ah, I see, one of those tiny distinctions that I am so often wont to miss
11012634
I know that you have as your signature of your stories having G1 take place after G4, but are you going to continue to have G1 be the future of everything?
11012929
yep, the predjudice in this story makes it fit in perfectly with the coltonville i introduced in 'a royal respite'. is sunny still around in the g1 era? well, yes, buuuuut......
Alicorns are still around in my modern g1 world; dazzlegow rules the snow pony empire in the north, and skyla rules new equestria, sunny is still out there somewhere; only celestia, luna, twilight, flurry heart and cadence are dead. and new equestria will always love and worship the alicorns. Alicorns still very much a part of the world; tornado and pradise just bitch about them a lot.
Most of the pony nations in my g1 are still thriving, friendly alicornists. The monothestic faiths of Zoroponthtisim and horsemasterism are limited to Ponyland and saddle arabia.
Figures AJ wasn't the only one that was still alive. I have to ask, though... how did they disguise the unicorn foal's horn to get into the town? That'd kinda be a dead giveaway...
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Maybe a new mane style? The horn might be small enough to hide under it.