Equestria has been ruled for a millenia in an era of Harmony under the watch of it's Queen, King, and their seven daughters. But that era comes to a tragic end as an old foe, Discord, returns, bringing chaos and destruction in his wake. Celestia is overthrown, and five of her daughters are banished without a memory. Only two mares escape his curse. But two is all it takes to be a threat to his reign.
A rewrite of my original fanfic by the same title. Trust me, this will be worlds better and worth the wait 
Cover art by yours truly. Check out my Deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/marinastars
Chapters (8)
Honesty this sound's cool as heck! (Edited)
So after reading both these...I liked it. How I write is rather fae-like. I like dreamy stuff!
You’ve definitely improved from what I can tell! Loving the story so far.
(Btw, if anyone sees this, listening to the Howl’s Moving Castle OST while reading really enhances the experience
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Tracked & Favored! Can’t wait to read what happens next
I really like this chapter. Everything was just fleshed out and great. Now I will I go on a tiny nit pick that I will hide under spoiler tag's so none need be bothered by pettiness
Rant on...
ok...I like this story and know that it is say...fairy tale? But...it really is just weird that Twilight is just born great? Like I know your telling fairy tale...but is the message in fairy tale: some people are born great and made to rule and other's well...they are just mortal's. Because by writing a fairy tale that she is automatically in line for Celesita place. That bypasses future knowledge, growth, or literally any character moment that could change that ever important prize: rulership!
Now...this essentially taint'a how I read this. After all rhis meant a rant. Why would you write a story where the fiuture is already written? Where the character's so happily accepting of this truth? Not one of her sister's think it cruel and sad that she not they be thrown this birth gift? And because of birth mind you she deserves to rule?
Now...let's say you read this? Yes? What could you do to sort have a natural progression of her to rule? Have Twilight not want? Why do people in fairly tales need to born into a role set for them? Because no one else could ever be as good as a Alicorn? Do you see what I am saying? Your essentially buying in and selling the idea that Alicorn's are naturally superior...which is pretty interesting if you ask me.
End rant.
Beyond my spoilery nitpick's this is a fun story.
Cheer's! And have a good evening!
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I appreciate the feedback. And, well I couldnt help but give my response. hidden under the spoilers tag for those who dont wish to know quite yet.
I wont deny you're right, that having her born into that role may take away a certain opportunity for progression. Yes, shes born for greatness, shes born to rule. But we've just seen that taken away from her. Her knowledge of Canterlot, the Royal family, and any plans or preperations to become queen are gone. Stolen from her. Discord is far too clever to let an alicorn wander around without any explanation. It would be too easy for others to peice her past together. So sure she started this way, but you really must wonder... is that how she ends? Call hers a reverse Fairy Tale if you will.
I hope it helps and I'm glad to hear you've been enjoying this story!
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Ah! That's good. I suppose I am just so used to folk's writing that way that now I feel a touch silly.
Another intense and thought-provoking chapter! I absolutely am in love with your writing!
(And as always, time to recommend a song that’s great to listen to while reading the chapter; Bad Apple fits perfectly if the timing’s just right ;))
Splendid job! Your Discord and pacing are swell.
Ooh, this story is quite interesting. Discord seems much more commanding of the servants than I expected, but he still has his classic mischievous air to him.
If I'm reading this right...Sunset cast the spell that caused Discord to forget what she and Fluttershy look like. Discord cast a spell on everyone else that made them forget them all, except for Sunset and Fluttershy's names. Fluttershy and Sunset know who they are...have I got that right? Also, did Fluttershy make up the name Rosewater Ivy, or did she "know" it was her new name?
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You've got it right
And yes, Fluttershy knew that was her new name, courtesy of big sis Sunset. I'll have a chapter of their POV coming out sometime soon.
Off to an excellent start! I think you set up the atmosphere really well, and I'm in love with how you described each of the sisters! I'm excited to see where this goes.
Criticism as promised. I’ll happily admit that some of these are nitpicks, but I don’t think all of them are.
To start with the beginning:
You essentially say three times consecutively that this world is full of surprises. That's a fine point to make, but I question what you’re adding through the repetition. The first two instances are more excusable, I’d say, since they’re in the same paragraph and you have one of them serving as a more concrete example of a general statement. That’s not so bad.
But then that second paragraph is saying that yes, in fact, this trait of the world does indeed apply to these heroes who are presumably part of said world. Do you need to say that? It strikes me as something that can be inferred easily enough that you can let people figure out that bit on their own.
The imagery here feels a little inconsistent. The first sentence says that there is a stillness to be interrupted, but the next two suggest that the storm has already been ongoing for some time, by which point I'd have to assume any sense of stillness in the night is long gone.
Serpentine by itself already suggests only a resemblance to a snake, so I don't see a reason to ever call something "serpentine-like."
I think this is probably going to be fine for the majority of readers, but something to think about: you use italics for what I assume is an omniscient narrator at the beginning of the scene, and then use italics again for what I assume are meant to be Discord's thoughts in the same scene. If I'm correct, I don't think it's a good idea to use the same formatting for different events--it would probably be fine if that introduction narration was separated by a scene break of some kind.
The usual turn of phrase is "set foot," so mapping that to a lizard leg feels a little strange to me.
The wording here makes it ambiguous whether or not you're saying the monumental structure "exuded regality from all who passed by," which is rather nonsensical. I think it would read more clearly if you said "The monumental structure exuded regality, commanding respect from all who passed by," because that makes it more clear these verbs are being handled separately.
Millennia (has two n's) is the plural form of millennium, so "a millennia" sounds strange.
This marks the beginning of a trend that persists throughout the character introductions. The narration in this story often feels inconsistent to me. I think a large part of that is that you have--well, I think part of it is just that you pitch the story as a fairytale, which sets certain expectations. But you have kind of flowery and poetic and serious and well-articulated language for the most part, and then you throw in stuff like this:
Where suddenly it feels a lot more relaxed and conversational. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with going for that, but when it mixes with the earnest storybook vibe I get from the rest of the narration (Which I like! It’s a cool voice and I think it’s a good fit for the story), I don't think it's very cohesive. It's trying to do two things at once, and while there's merit to each thing, it's distracting to be getting both.
One of the main reasons I bring it up is that when the story says stuff like the mile-long scroll bit, I'm not always sure whether that's meant to be taken literally or sarcastically. Context usually makes it clear upon inspection, but I don’t think these are moments where you want people to stop and try to work out what you’re saying.
Then I get a similar issue with Rainbow Dash. You introduce her with:
Which suggests to me she's taking this very seriously and formally--and Twilight laughs about it, which makes me feel like it's a pattern of hers--but then she, again, speaks quite casually ("No problemo," right as she's saluting again, for instance). So I'm not quite sure what the intent there is.
Three sentences in a row here start with "The filly," and one of the two that doesn't starts with "she." That's a fair bit of repetition in sentence structure, which can often sound rather dry. A similar thing goes for repeated words close together, like you have with "mischief" in that second sentence." Switching things up is likely to help enrich it a tad.
This makes it sound as though it being her birthday follows naturally from the preceding paragraph, which I'm not seeing at all, since said paragraph is largely an infodump about Fluttershy's personality and characteristics.
... So Discord's totally right here, that's something anyone should notice right away--so why haven't they? Does Twilight know about that? Did Rainbow Dash not think to mention that, since she's clearly been investigating the weather? Does that not mean they ought to be taking it a lot more seriously than they are? I'm having a lot of trouble reconciling this line with what's happened throughout the rest of the chapter, but I don't think it makes Rainbow or Twilight out to be even slightly competent if they didn't notice or care about this.
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Thank you much. I did find some of this quite helpful in identifying things I wasn't aware I was doing (and even some of those moments where I see it one way in my head but it dosn't quite translate the same way to the readers.) It's definately worth making some small tweaks in descriptions to make things more coheisive now and in the future.
So thank you again, your time and feedback are much apreciated.
Ooh, interesting to see where Twilight's ended up, and how much (or rather how little) she remembers. Makes sense that Discord took her wings...having an alicorn suddenly show up would be much more suspicious, and would probably lead to her being brought right back to Canterlot.
At least Twilight's in a safe place, and has the seeds of a crush starting to sprout. Will the next chapters show where everyone else ended up? I'm curious if Discord sent them to places where they'd be safe and happy to prevent them from trying to remember and return to their old lives...Hmm. I look forward to future chapters, and I can understand wanting to space out updates to have a more consistent schedule.
I get the impression that Discord sent the ponies to places where they'd be able to build decent lives because they were innocents in his plot for revenge, and even if he had to get them out of his way, he didn't want to hurt them. If so, it's a good way to subtly set up Discord's potential for redemption and even romance. The power and anger he displayed in Canterlot makes it hard to believe he could ever break the cycle of vengeance, but the seeds of goodness are there, and it'll be interesting to see how that journey unfolds.
And poor Twi. I can't imagine the turmoil of trying to shamble together a brand new life with so little memory of all that came before. At least she's got good ponies around her to help her through it.
Ooh, Pinkie and Cheese meeting! I love their very first interaction, with him waking her up. And seeing Cheese start to come out of his shell was sweet.
I wonder if Pinkie decided to travel and become a party pony instead of staying in Fillydelphia will lead to her going to Canterlot, or messing with Discord's plans if she runs into the others...or if it'll even just irritate him.
I see some enchanted references in there 👀
This is a pretty interesting alternate universe not just because of Princess Celestia and Twilight are mother and daughter in this universe which I've seen so many of those stories but instead having the rest of the Mane 6 to be the daughters of Celestia and having Sunset Shimmer still be Celestia's personal students and whoever created the argument or chaos Breaking Free Discord and now he's going for a payback Celestia and what timing to especially its Fluttershy's birthday
“What I want,” He growled dangerously through razor sharp teeth, “could not be expressed in mere moments, or with simple words, but I will try. What I want for you, Celestia… is to see you suffer,
“I want to see you cast out, forgotten, torn from every pony you loved and left behind by every pony you thought loved you. I want you to see the world pass by as you rot away in a stone cold prison for a thousand years. I want you powerless as I was. I want you to know you could have changed this, all of this.
Dang now that is some hatred there I wonder what the heck did she did
Oh my God that's even worse that's pretty brutal Discord
Oh wow that's pretty dang sad and very brutal what Discord did not only separating her childhood but no memory of her mother are any of the histories they have with each other except for Fluttershy and Sunset Shimmer which day need to get them stuff out of there before Discord get them and I wonder if they are the ones they have to find them before things went out of control and very interesting having King Sombra to be the father of the main six
That kind of reminds me back from the movie zootopia how prays always thinks about predators
But it doesn't mean you had to give up sure there will always be dark times that we always go through but they're always be hope I still believe that
Boy this was pretty intense and really kind of torture for Twilight even though she won't remember any of this but seeing her sisters being taken away was really painful but knowing to that Discord did not win yet Fluttershy and sunset are still out there but they are in hiding right now and he doesn't remember where they are because somebody Zapped him with a magic memory hopefully he won't locate them just until they get everything set up my poor Fluttershy this must be the worst birthday she ever had not only losing her mother and father but she lost her sisters as well hopefully when both of them get them all together they will put a stop to this and bring back Harmony once again and hopefully finding out why Discord would do so much just to spite Celestia
I was not expecting him to be one of the Royal Guards okay cool
So it looks like Discord is in power now in Canterlot and those poor ponies who live there had to serve him especially the little kid name rose water but I'm kind of glad that Zephyr Breeze is trying to help her as best as he could but knowing to that her life would never be the same ever again and poor Spike not only seeing his family disappeared right in front of him and now he's going to be serving the one who destroyed everything let's just hope Sunset Fluttershy and Luna can figure this thing out stop him but until then they had to hide
She had missed it before, the long lavender horn atop the mare’s head, but found it a pleasant surprise.
"She's a unicorn,"
Ohh Discord took away her wings 😥
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Just wanted to take a moment to say thank you so much for all your comments! I've enjoyed reading your thoughts and reactions, it really made my day. I'm glad to hear you are enjoying my story and hope you will continue to enjoy! Thank you for taking the time to leave reveiws!
Oh you have no idea
You know even though Discord said it's not a punishment against Twilight and her sisters but it felt like it is even if they can't remember the pain and sadness is still there and it's fighting against it
Ohh I know it's a little bit fast to think about it but I think she likes him ( yeah that's right I ship those two so much ) 😊
Omg she does lol 🥰🥰
Ohh wow so it looks like Twilight made it to the Crystal Empire but unfortunately she was unconscious when she got pushed by Discord but it's a good thing Princess Cadence and shining armor was there to help her out before she would have freeze to death but when she woke up and I was afraid this would happen she has an amnesia all because of Discord but anyway it looks like Twilight is starting to get to know Cadence and even shining armor and they even offer her to stay here while she gets her Memories Back and along the way she even meet one of captain of the Royal Guards Flash Sentry it was sweet of him to escort her to there at least Twilight is okay but still they need to figure out to get their Memories Back before it's too late
Oh my gosh it's cheese sandwich and I forgot since Pinkie Pie was not there during his childhood years there was nobody Inspire him to become the party pony that we remember him so instead he was just an awkward guy doesn't know how to lighten up and probably doesn't know how to make friends that's kind of sad to think about it
When it comes to Pinkie Pie it's always a party lol
There it is there's that inspiration that Pinkie Pie gave him
Aww You know despite that Pinkie Pie has no idea what happened to her past and what Discord did to her and I will admit she did find something that makes her happy and she even met her Dear Future Husband cheese sandwich ( if you know the reference is ) and it turns out he was a shy awkward Pony and it turns out that he really had no friends to celebrate with matter of fact he never went to parties which Pinkie Pie help with that and somehow it really brings the best of him and he wanted to go around the world to spread happiness around the questria to every pony and creature around which that's pretty cool I wonder how the others are doing
I see what you did there I like the reference from that movie Enchanted I love that movie
Oh man I really felt bad for her not only her memory is gone she's just so lost Pony like I said it felt like Discord really punishing them at least some of them
Oh yeah that crazy lady 😡
She deserve a lot more even had to deal with that crazy lady like Siri
Again I really like how you reference the Enchanted movie the way how Giselle came to the real world but anyway Rarity had more tough time then the rest probably the worst right now not only losing her memory but becoming lost to the city where are ponies are very rude and everything kind of reminds me of a city that I went to and it felt like she given up hope but then Coco came around and helped her again bless her goodness of her heart I really like her and she even offered her to stay at the apartment until she finds a job and even helping her to get her Memories Back
Ohhhhhhhhhh wow
Oh man it looks like we went back when Discord separate everybody are the only ones who are left is Sunset and Fluttershy it looks like they will preparing for her birthday but unfortunately it cut short because Discord it started to attack the castle and even kidnapping Fluttershy sisters and then separate them without any memories Sunset had to do what she has to do to protect Fluttershy she has to change her identity so Discord won't recognize her and no matter how painful it is she has to be stay strong hopefully sunsets we'll figure this thing out to find them and stop Discord once and for all but until then Fluttershy is rose water basically she just has to be there keep an eye on the castle and what is Discord doing hopefully he will not notice her since he to forgotten who they are which apparently it's a theme now forgotten well well I just hope they find a way I wonder how they're going to do this I guess we'll find out next time
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No problem your story is very interesting and I did like how you set up the beginning of the story and seen how the Mane 6 are doing after the separation I can't wait to see how the rest will go
What's the chapter title a reference to? Is it a song, movie, tv show, musical or something else ¿?.
Update soon please. Like this fanfiction.
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Great story. Can't wait for more chapters.