The Soul of a Pony
Chapter 4: The Noble
"Hey, Twilight, you okay?"
Twilight responded with a groan. Her head was pounding, and Rainbow's words hit her ears like a sledgehammer. On top of that, she'd collapsed again. This is getting old, she thought to herself. Fighting through the pain in her mind, she forced her eyes open and tried to get to her feet. This was made more difficult by the fact that somepony had turned her legs into jelly.
"Twilight?" Rainbow asked again. The pegasus was standing over the prone Twilight, her whole body tensed. Her wings were flared, and it looked like she was ready to take off at a moment's notice.
Twilight shook her head, trying to clear it, but only bringing forth a fresh wave of pain. She winced, before saying, "I'm fine. It's just a headache." She focused on her unruly limbs, trying to bring them back under control. They resisted her efforts, but eventually she managed to gather all four legs under her body. That was enough for now, she decided; the ground was spinning too much to risk standing.
"Are you sure?" Rainbow asked, incredulous. "You just sorta collapsed. I was about to fly and get help." Her tone made it clear that she wouldn't hesitate to do so anyway, if it looked like she had to.
"I'm sure. Mental spells always have some psychic backlash. It'll wear off in a minute," Twilight said dismissively. As she finally built up enough concentration to get back to her feet, she looked again at the cyan pegasus, and felt the beginnings of a familiar sensation. Twilight barely had time to brace herself before she was hit with another sudden rush of insight.
In the mare before her, Twilight saw a pony who lived for excitement. Rainbow Dash was a daredevil, and could never be happy without the roar of wind in her ears and the rush of adrenaline in her veins. Death-defying stunts, breakneck speeds, and split-second maneuvers were her life, and nothing would change that.
Second only to her love of flying was her need for attention. Rainbow craved the spotlight, the cheering fans, and the fame. That she was an amazing flyer was no secret to her. Just knowing wasn't enough, though; she needed to be recognized. Her self-worth hinged on how other ponies saw her. The constant need to prove herself made her show-offish and competitive. She would never back down from a challenge, as doing so would be a sign of weakness, and Rainbow couldn't stand to be thought of as weak.
It was an impossible situation. While Rainbow couldn't live without recognition from the ponies around her, nor could she survive their judgement. So she pushed herself constantly, striving to iron out any imperfection she found so that nopony else could hate her for it. It was her greatest strength, but also her most terrible weakness.
Finally, Twilight saw a pony who could not abandon those she cared about. No matter what the circumstances, Rainbow would never hesitate to sacrifice her own ambitions in favor of keeping her friendships strong. She'd been hurt in the past, bullied and betrayed, and she'd vowed never to let that happen to anypony else.
The flash of knowledge passed, and Twilight realized she'd been staring. At least she hadn't fallen over again. She blinked, and said, "Sorry, I guess it's been a long day. I should probably be heading home."
Rainbow Dash, still not entirely convinced that Twilight was okay, nonetheless allowed herself to relax slightly. She eased herself down from the elevated state of tension she'd been in, her wings folding themselves away at her sides. "Okay, if you're sure you're alright."
"I'm fine," she insisted, sure of it this time. How could she not be? She'd seen Rainbow's mind, with all the goodness and strength that the pegasus had inside. "I'll see you later, Rainbow."
"See ya," the weather pony replied. As she watched her egghead friend trot away down the path to Ponyville, Rainbow finally managed to stop worrying. She's Twilight Sparkle, she reminded herself, the nerdiest pony in all of Equestria. She knows what she's doing.
Rainbow flapped her powerful wings, bringing herself back up to where her cloud waited. She could hear it calling her, beckoning the pegasus with its pillowy softness. It took Rainbow Dash all of ten seconds to fall back into her nap.
By the time Twilight returned to the enormous tree that was her home, it was almost evening. The market was beginning to clear out, the salesponies having packed up their wares for the day. A few ponies were still out and about, hoping to make the best of the warm weather.
"Spike! I'm back!" Twilight called as she walked through the library's door. When no reply came, she tried again. "Spike?"
Her assistant was nowhere to be seen. Is he asleep? she wondered. I did wake him up pretty early this morning. Looking around the front room, Twilight saw the disorganized piles of reference books her night of research had left. Spike had put a sizable dent in the clutter, but, as was so often the case, the librarian's studies had turned the floor and desks into a veritable minefield of texts. It had evidently been too much for the baby dragon to take care of in one go. Twilight sighed, resigning herself to the task of bringing order back to the library.
An hour later, Twilight had finished putting away the books in the lobby, and was just getting started on her study. Fortunately, as it was considerably smaller than the front room, there were far fewer bookshelves to reorganize. Unfortunately, that meant that a lot of the books in the study had come from elsewhere in the library, and Twilight had to figure out which ones went where. As she levitated her copy of Psychic Spells: A Comprehensive Guide: 6th ed. onto the stack of books to go into one of the library's other rooms, the sound of the front door closing caught her attention.
As Spike entered the library, a large shopping bag under one arm, he was immediately aware that something was off. When he'd left, there had been a huge mess to clean up. Now, though, somepony had cleaned it. Somepony other than him, even. The sheer novelty of that fact made him pause for a moment, and it was in this state that Twilight found him when she emerged from her study.
"Oh, hi Spike," she said. "I thought you were asleep."
"Asleep? Nah, I just stepped out to get some groceries," he explained, gesturing to the bag. "We were completely out of milk." Changing the subject, he noted, "You cleaned up the library?"
"Well, I started to," Twilight answered. "I'm just doing the study now." With her telekinesis, she lifted the shopping bag out of her assistant's grip and carried it into the kitchen.
"Thanks," Spike said, before taking out his purchases and putting them away in the kitchen's assorted cupboards. The fresh goods, including the milk, he put in the enchanted icebox to keep cool. Twilight offered some assistance, but the kitchen was Spike's domain, and he knew where everything went. Once the food was away, Spike and Twilight set about cleaning the remainder of the mess in the library. As they worked, they made small talk, discussing things like the upcoming weather schedule and the news of a feather flu outbreak in Fillydelphia. Eventually, the conversation turned to Twilight's encounter with Rainbow Dash.
"It was like a stadium in the sky," Twilight said, trying to explain what she'd seen. Spike hadn't gone to the Best Young Flyers' Competition with them, so he hadn't seen the Cloudiseum. Without that convenient reference, Twilight found it slightly more difficult to describe the scenery in Dash's mind. Fortunately, Spike got the idea.
"Were there a hundred Rainbow Dashes?" he asked. As he'd helped her put the spell together in the first place, Twilight had thought it only fair to tell him what had been in Pinkie's soulgaze. The idea of a party with a horde of the pink pony's lookalikes had struck him as particularly hilarious. A hundred Rainbows putting on an airshow would be even more ridiculous.
"No, it was just the one. She was doing some pretty amazing tricks, though." She decided to leave out the part about the other spectators; the memory of their blank stares made her shudder.
"Sounds cool," Spike commented. "Hey," he said, an idea coming to him. "Would it work on Rarity?"
"Well, yeah, I don't see why not. Why?"
"Just curious." A faraway look came over him, the one he always had when thinking about the object of his adoration. "I wonder if her soul is as beautiful as the rest of her..."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Come on," she said, snapping the dragon out of his reverie. "We've still got work to do."
That night, Twilight found that, once again, her thoughts wouldn't let her sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about what the soulgazes had shown her. Pinkie's and Rainbow's minds were just as different as the ponies they belonged to. Pinkie Pie's mind had been a party of a hundred doppelgangers, everything loud and colorful. By contrast, Rainbow Dash's cloud-stadium mindscape had been positively plain, with all the excitement centered on the mare herself. Twilight had seen her friends in unparalleled detail, but if anything, she had even more questions.
As she turned and twisted under her moon-and-star bedsheets, the unicorn thought back to her assistant's question about Rarity. I wonder if her soul is as beautiful as the rest of her. Painfully cliched though it was, it had provoked a lot of thought in Twilight. What would the soulgaze show of her other friends? Would Fluttershy's mind be ridiculously adorable? What about Rarity, or Applejack?
Twilight realized that she wasn't going to be able to let this go. Maybe she could ignore the curiosity for a while, but eventually it would consume her. She had to find out, or she'd never know peace again. In a way, this revelation comforted her; at least now she knew what she needed to do. Twilight resolved that, come the morning, she would stop at nothing to finish soulgazing her friends.
That matter settled, Twilight finally managed to relax, and settled into a heavy sleep.
Twilight awoke the next morning to the sun streaming through her bedroom window. That doesn't seem right, she thought, her mind still half-asleep. The sun's never this high this early in the morning. She bolted upright. The sun wasn't too high; she'd overslept! It was completely understandable; she hadn't slept at all the previous night, after all. Even so, it was inexcusable. She had so much to do this morning, and she'd gone and wasted half of it by not waking up on time.
A powerful kick sent the covers of her bed flying off, to land in a heap on the other side of her bedroom. Twilight leapt out of bed and ran for the stairs, forgoing her usual mane-brushing in the rush. She poured herself a quick bowl of cereal, thankful that Spike had brought in some more milk, then left the empty bowl in the sink for him to clean. Then, her hasty morning preparations complete, the unicorn set out for Carousel Boutique at a canter.
With the exception of a certain blue pegasus (and, this morning, a lavender unicorn), the citizens of Ponyville were generally early risers. Most days they'd be up not long after dawn, going about their business. Today was no different, and Twilight found the streets already beginning to fill up with ponies going about their business. She knew most of them by now, and she exchanged greetings with some in passing, but she was in a hurry and didn't want to be caught up in a lengthy conversation. Such was her haste, and her focus on reaching her destination, that she failed to notice the stifled giggling that followed in her wake.
Rarity was in a good mood. Today, Thursday, was her favorite day of the week. It was the day of her weekly spa session with Fluttershy. The fashionista loved the spa; they knew how to pamper a pony and make all her stresses and troubles simply disappear. Even more than that, though, she loved spending time with Fluttershy. In Rarity's opinion, she and Fluttershy didn't see each other nearly often enough. It certainly didn't help that Fluttershy's cottage was so far from the rest of Ponyville, and her duty to the animals kept her cooped up most of the time. On top of that, the pegasus' crippling shyness made her already infrequent visits all the more precious.
Their spa appointment wasn't until the afternoon, however. Before that, Rarity had work to do. Right now, she was finishing up a relatively minor order for one of her regular Ponyville customers. It was a much smaller project than most of the other recent work she'd had, just a simple sundress, and for once she was ahead of schedule. Even though the customer didn't need it done until Monday, Rarity hadn't really had any other work to do, and she was already nearly finished. Rarity knew that she had plenty of time, and could certainly afford to give herself the morning off, but she wanted to have the dress done before her spa session, so she would have even less to worry about while she was there.
So it was that Rarity had just rethreaded her sewing needle when she heard somepony burst through the front door, eliciting an unnecessary ring from the entrance bell. She turned her back on the unfinished work to greet her guest, and got as far as, "Welcome to Carousel..." before the full force of what she was seeing strangled the words in her throat. To an outside observer, one who was unfamiliar with the unicorn's particular quirks, the speed with with her expression changed from relaxed contentment to abject horror would have been rather impressive. Only slightly less so, in fact, than the ear-shattering scream that followed.
"What's wrong?" Twilight asked, panic momentarily filling her voice and replacing any other thought in her head, except perhaps for, Ow, my poor ears.
"What's wrong?!" Rarity repeated, incredulous. "Look at your mane! It's an absolute disaster! Oh, please tell me you did not walk all the way here looking like that!"
To emphasize her point, Rarity levitated a small hoof-mirror over to allow Twilight to see the full scope of the problem. She hadn't been exaggerating; Twilight's mane was a mess. One side of it was pressed flat to her head, while the other half was puffed out to such a degree that it seemed to double the size of her head. Hairs stuck out at odd angles, giving her the appearance of a woefully abused bush. On top of that, Twilight's violet and magenta highlights, one of the few aspects of her appearance that she particularly liked, were completely messed up, throwing their colors into the battle of knots and split ends that had taken over the librarian's head. It couldn't have looked any worse if she'd used pure, undiluted chaos in place of conditioner.
"I, uh, guess I should have brushed it," Twilight commented weakly.
"This will not do at all. I cannot allow such a terrible crime to go uncorrected!" Rarity declared. Before Twilight could react, she found herself being forcibly pushed into the boutique's master bathroom. It was a place dedicated to the art of personal care, a temple to the routines of grooming and hygiene that Rarity held so dear. Shelves stacked high with bottles lined the walls, shampoos and conditioners taking their place next to skin- and coat-cleaning products of every description. An enormous bathtub dominated the floorspace. Twilight felt somewhat out of place, like she was not refined or clean enough to be allowed in such a place. Rarity, on the other hoof, looked right at home as she began filling the tub with water.
"Can this wait?" Twilight protested, having remembered why she'd come to see Rarity in the first place. "I'm in a bit of a hurry."
Rarity turned to face Twilight, her expression plainly stating, You need to straighten out your priorities. "Is it an emergency?" she asked, as though she were dealing with a particularly impatient child. "Can it absolutely not wait?"
"Well," the scholar began, before Rarity's expression forced her to reconsider. "I suppose not."
After half an hour, and a great deal of complaining, Rarity was finally satisfied with the state of Twilight's mane. It had been washed, shampooed, conditioned, washed again, then meticulously styled and treated until it met the designer's impeccable standards. "There!" she announced, the pride clear in her voice. "You look absolutely marvelous!"
"Are you quite finished?" Twilight asked, having long since grown tired of her friend's ministrations.
"Why, yes, I am." She paused, thinking for a moment, before asking, "Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?"
"No time to explain," Twilight said, already gathering the magic for her spell. "I've wasted enough time here as it is. Just stand still."
"Wasted!?" Rarity cried, indignant. Then the rest of Twilight's words sank in, and she saw the steadily-growing glow surrounding her fellow unicorn's horn. "What are you doing? Twili—"
Whatever she'd been about to say was lost on Twilight, as she released the spell and felt the now-familiar sensation of the soulgaze beginning. As ever, it started with the feeling of falling, followed by Rarity's eyes expanding to swallow her up. Then, as before, came blackness.
When Twilight could see again, she was standing in a throne room. There was no other way to describe it; with its high, vaulted ceilings and elegant marble pillars, it put Twilight in mind of Celestia's and Luna's throne room in Canterlot Castle. This room, however, had much more white. It was almost painfully bright, the polished surfaces of the floors and walls reflecting every ray of sunlight that poured in through the tall windows. Unlike the ones in Canterlot, these windows were plain, forgoing stained-glass decoration in favor of being absolutely massive.
While the walls and pillars of the room were stark, bleached white, many of the room's furnishings were a deep, royal purple. In the center of the floor, running from the enormous double doors at one end of the room to the high-backed throne at the other, was a luxurious carpet of purple velvet. The throne itself, though primarily made of the same marble that comprised the scenery, was adorned with plush, purple cushions. Purple banners and flags hung from the ceiling and the walls, and even the candles in the brackets throughout the room burned with purple flames.
The only other color in the room came from the chandelier. Twilight's jaw dropped when she saw it, dangling from the ceiling in a flagrant show of grandeur and elegance. The entire structure was made of brilliant silver, expertly wrought and crafted into impossibly detailed curls and spirals. Hanging from it were more diamonds than she could count, brilliant blue gems ranging from pea-sized to bigger than the unicorn's eyes. It had to be worth a fortune.
Her examination of the scenery over for now, Twilight focused her attention on the ponies in the room with her. There were quite a few of them, standing in line on the purple carpet. They seemed to come from every walk of life; pegasi and earth ponies were scattered among unicorns, nobles in exquisite finery and peasants in rags or nothing at all mixed together without regard. As Twilight watched, a unicorn guard in white-and-purple armor called out a name from a scroll, and the pony in question—a green unicorn in a waistcoat—stepped forward to deliver her plea to the regent on the throne.
Upon seeing the pony on the throne, Twilight did a double-take. It was Rarity, there was no doubt about that, but she looked different. She had always looked beautiful, and she took great pains to maintain her appearance, but the Rarity sitting on the throne made her normal appearance seem positively plain. She simply radiated elegance and grace, and held herself with an air of refinement. It was strange, though; there was no single feature that Twilight could pinpoint that was different. In fact, whenever she tried to remember back to this experience, she found it hard to remember any details about the pony on the throne at all. Twilight supposed she was wearing a crown, though it might have been a tiara or diadem, or perhaps nothing at all; the specifics seemed just out of her reach.
It was the same story for the pony behind Queen Rarity, but for completely different reasons. This pony was also Rarity, but twisted and sinister. She stood just behind the throne, in the one spot that did not catch any sunlight. This made it very hard for Twilight to make her out; at first, she was convinced she'd been seeing things. She appeared to be whispering into the queen's ear, trying to get her attention. The queen appeared to pay her no mind, however, focusing instead on the ponies before her.
Twilight watched the proceedings for a time, seeing Queen Rarity deal with her subjects, until a small door caught her attention. Unlike the front doors, which were elaborately carved and decorated, this door was completely plain. Intrigued, Twilight walked over to it and pushed through into the courtyard beyond. Whatever she'd been expecting to find, it was completely different than the reality.
In the courtyard, surrounded by the high, marble walls, was a cottage. It was a simple thing, wood and thatch, with a chimney and a garden. It seemed so out of place, but Twilight couldn't help but think that it was necessary. The castle was a front; it was where visitors were greeted and business was done. At the end of the day, though, it wasn't a home. This cottage was where Rarity lived, and where she could go when the pressures of society became too much. Seeing it made Twilight smile, and it was the last thing she saw before the soulgaze ended.
Chapter 4! Sorry it took so long. I blame the evils of modern media.
But seriously, writing this chapter was really annoying. It was going to be even longer, to the extent that I would have split it into two, but then I realized this would have messed up the pacing of the rest of the story. For one thing, it would have made Chapter 6 about 1,000 words long, and resulted in a chapter with two soulgazes in sequence. I couldn't get the beginning section with Rainbow Dash to work properly, and ended up going through about three different versions of it before I was happy. On top of that, I ended up losing roughly the last 800 words before the soulgaze to server shenanigans, and had to retype it all.
But enough of my whining. Chapter 5 has yet to be started, and I'm going to be busy this week. I'll let you all know when I have a projected release date.
Shame on Twilight, not asking permission before doing something so personal. I'm enjoying the story as well as the glimpses into each pony. I do think the affect on Twilight is perhaps more costly than she thinks. I'm curious to see where it goes from here!
Aaw yeah, a new chapter! This one was really cool. I wonder if Twilight's ever going to reveal to the others what she saw in their minds...
Will she look into Spikes mind too?
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Delays are not a problem. (I'm sure the next chapter will be worth the wait.)
I don't see anything in the description of Rainbow's soulscape that represents her loyalty
Good news everyone! SoaP is now on Equestria Daily!
I feel so accomplished all of a sudden. My first piece of fanfiction ever, and it winds up on the premier site of bronydom (at least, of the ones I'm familiar with). Now I feel bad that I haven't finished Chapter Five yet... Never fear! I've been working on it with renewed fervor for the past couple days, and I can tentatively say that it will be finished by this weekend.
Many (read: three) of you have brought up the issue of privacy. Rest assured that this will be dealt with in Chapter Five, along with a few other concerns. I didn't forget, or not realize the problems inherent in this, but the plan was always to cover them around Chapter Five. Definitely.
Simple framework and a predictable progression, pony to pony though the Mane6. It works here, because the story is about the revelations Twilight's receiving, and it feels like a setup to what she'll eventually do with this information. I expect she'll try it on Spike, which will be interesting is dragon souls / consciousnesses aren't like pony souls at all. And this'll really get fun when - not if, when - she tries this on a Princess. Or two, or three.
Thumbs up and a gold star for you.
I really enjoy this type of stories, in which Twilight gets to know her friends on a deeper level. It's well written, too. After reading it, I do have one question, though: if Twilight were to look in a mirror, could she soulgaze herself?
Interesting story, with very nice mindscapes for all the ponies so far. I'm looking forward to the rest of them!
Really like it so far! Love to get some insight to what's going on in the minds of the ponies, great idea and good setup for it too! Looking forward to the rest, especially Applejack
Now that it's on EqD, you MUST finish it!
Good Story. But isn't a Soulgaze supposed to work both ways? Also isn't it a bit unethical of Twilight to use such a spell on her friends without first outlining what is involved? (Pinkie being the exception so far - but then again it is unlikely she would have cared anyway.)
I do hope that Discord gets soulgazed. I'm very curious as to whether it's possible to get anything remotely comprehensible out of his psyche.
I'm not really a fan of this so far but for rather personal reasons. Since this is almost entirely just a character exploration of the Mane 6, whenever your interpretation of the ponies personalities doesn't mesh with mine I simply don't like it. So there's nothing wrong with the content really, although I do feel like the conclusions Twilight takes away from the gazes far outstrips the very short glances the reader gets at the souls.
Also why did you forgo any mention of personal privacy invasion or reciprocal soulgazing. One of the whole reasons Harry doesn't use the soulgaze to just sort out bad guys and good guys is that the act is so revealing and personal to both parties and he doesn't lightly let someone see him so vulnerable. It may have just been outside the scope for your fic but it seems like low hanging fruit to just include ponies reactions to Twilight's soul and add a lot of depth to the narrative.
Okay, lots of feedback. I'll do my best to answer your questions, at least to the extent that I can without spoiling things.
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Twilight put together this version of the soulgaze from scratch. Yes, she based it on the one in The Blackstone Cases (aka The Dresden Files), which do work both ways, but she didn't see any reason to put in that effect. As for privacy, that will be addressed in detail in the next chapter (it's in the works, I promise!).
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Unfortunately, the only souls to be gazed upon in this fic will be those of the Mane Six. Maybe I'll revisit this idea at some point in the distant future, but until then there will be no Celestia/Luna/Discord/Spike/Trixie soulgazing. Sorry.
Also, as of right now, I don't plan to ever use Discord in a fic. I wrote a blog post about it. You should read it, if you don't mind highly opinionated ramblings.
Thanks for the comments everyone! Your feedback fills me with happy feels.
I made it through Chapter 4, and here are my thoughts:
Overall I've enjoyed the reading. The dialogue and writing style is actually pretty good. It’s descriptive without being intrusive, ebbs and flows nicely, employs a lot of good grammar, feels in tune with the show, and adds nice embellishments where necessary. Characters are well portrayed, if a bit standard fare. And I am a personal sucker for OCD Twilight. :)
As for the Soulgaze concept, I found the approach to be of mixed value. I admit to being unfamiliar with the source, but IMO I found the personification route to be a bit too... cliché. Having dopplegangers serve as physical manifestations of one's inner thoughts seems like too much of an easy plot device to explain deep seated senses of self. This wasn't helped by the fact that Pinkie's "personas" even verbally stated their own purposes.
Structure-wise, it really feels like these four chapters could be condensed down into one or two. And it really would flow the story better if Twilight's take on each soul read came at the tail end of that chapter, not the start of the next. And as others have pointed out, it seems a gross impropriety and breach of privacy for Twilight to perform this spell on her friends without their full understanding and consent. Even then I would think they would need time to discuss it. It's just so deeply personal.
6/10.
So good reading, well-written, enjoyable. Could could maybe use some work on storytelling methods and structure, but hoping for more!
Small bits:
Chapter 2 - the "cyanide" cupcake tasting like almonds - a chemistry joke? Well done sir! (Hydrogen Cyanide smells like almonds to some people)
Chapter 3 - "it was a love letter to speed and adrenaline." - I liked that bit of prose.
Chapter 4 - You stepped out of tense to say “whenever she tried to remember…” and it's a bit jarring structure-wise.
While the story is enjoyable. Its much to plain and too short to get into the good detail and psychology that this story is trying to express. The 'landscapes' of each of the ponies mind don't say much even in symbolism. The structure of the plot is quite predictable and there isn't a lot of character interaction or development. These sort of stories go hand in hand with that sort of thing. while I've never read the book this spell is based I would assume looking deep into someones mind is a very emotional experience. Seeing a friend for all they are and believe themselves to be. Yet twilight seems unphased by the fact that pinkie lives just to make others smile with no thought of anything in return or the fact that rainbow is sso critical of herself she doesn't believe she's good enough for the cheer of a crowd.
Still. You have promise. The general writing flows well and is easy to read. This is your first story. Keep practising! I can see you going far.
Sorry for the typos. I'm writing this on a new tablet.
Seems like turnabout is fair play in this case. I hope the others will be allowed to somehow soulgaze into Twilight as repayment for having their own intimate selves so revealed without permission.
Congrats on EQD, that's what brought me here.
Interesting concept. I am unfamiliar with The Dresden Files, but I think I can say that it hasn't affected my enjoyment or understanding as you have done a fairly good job of explaining what is going on. Been meaning to pick up that series for a while now...
I'm guessing that it will hit the fan about permission because of Twilight using it on Rarity. As a fellow unicorn who happens to be familiar with illusion magic, maybe she will recognize that Twilight just did something mental to her and demand an explanation.
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it was a long sentence.
Uh-oh... thing's won't end well because Twi will try the soulgaze on Celestia... And that will crush her...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
I've got to join the others who think Twilight's soulgazing is getting creepy. Between not getting her friends' explicit permission first and starting to act increasingly obsessed with the concept of doing this to all of them, Twi seems to be accelerating down the slippery slope to mad wizard* territory.
*Kind of like a mad scientist with a pointier hat and different laboratory equipment.
Yeah, chipping in with agreement on the recent reviews.
- Creepiness pileup. Twilight going around and drilling into their souls without telling hardly anypony what she's doing. Speaks for itself.
- General rushed pacing. It feels like you're trying to rush as fast as possible from soulgaze to soulgaze without really lingering on the fallout of what she learns at all, or even on the interaction leading up to or following one, if any -- Dash just got left in the dust afterward, and Rarity pretty much got told "shut up and let me do plot" to lead into it. What little is there is filler reaction to going through the motions ("dude you just passed out, WTF, you ok there?") and not really thematically relevant to why we're going through the motions.
- Shallow character analysis. There's some good prose in there, but in terms of content the soulgazes themselves are pretty bland and don't really tell us anything Twilight didn't already know.
I have to say, I'm liking where this story has come from, and where it seems to be going. It certainly has a lot of potential to be both disastrous and enlightening to Twilight and her friends. Thumbs up and a Favourite, keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading chapter 5
This is my favorite chapter yet. Not so much for the part taking place in reality (actually, that part seemed to go on for too long), but for the soulgaze bit. It's fascinating...
Twilight is really starting to ignore basics concerns, if this keeps up she'll start using the soul gaze spell without caring who she uses on it, or she'll wear herself out.
wow twilight not even asking permission this time huh? isn't that technically an invasion of privacy?
1337560 <-- The answer to this question has saved me the trouble of asking
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I was just thinking that.
Over all good, but I noticed when you said "...going about their business" twice fairly close together, it just doesn't sound good and flow very well. To replace the second one you could use "...on their daily routine" or maybe "... Every day lives."
I don't know if this was pointed out already since I didn't read all the massive comments, but by no means do you have to use my ideas, I just beleive to would be better if you didn't repeat yourself. Since you already said they were "going about their business".
Dartrunner
AMAZING
Careful little Twilight.
You might just soulgaze into the wrong pony.
Then you'll be wishing you'd have been less wreckless.
Damn, that's iffy as fuck. I know she
has the best intentionsmeans no harm, but damn that's a massive invasion of someone's privacy... Sounds like if Twilight continues down this path, there's an Eternal Library on a plane of Oblivion with her name on it...Also, doesn't it work both ways with wizards? So, um... Rarity, right? Not a "wizard" per se, but a magic caster all the same...
Giggity.
But seriously, good story, quality writing.