Starlight Glimmer must work alongside some unlikely allies in order to prevent a terrible threat from seizing power over a weakened Equestria.
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Argonaut44
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Though I wouldn't call Lightning a reject
That was unexpected.
You have sparked my attention, I look forward to see what is going on with Mayor Mare and Twilight.
I'm liking this so far. Really mysterious and gory beginning, and I'm always up for a story about this group. Can't wait for more!
Me: *after reading this chapter* ...Why am I getting Invincible vibes from this?
Setting the stage and thinning the cast in the first chapter? Interesting premise. Watching!
👎
Is this perhaps inspired by The Undesirables?
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"THINK, STARLIGHT! WHAT WILL YOU HAVE!?"
"You, Twilight."
Well.
Shit.
Minor note but I think that scene warrants an M
So MLP Invincible with a bit of "law of town" Ponyville?
I have to say, it's interesting, but I feel like there's some problems here. Mainly I think the princesses would've been Starlight's first go to, or Discord, or the rest of Twilight's friends.
I guess you could chuck it to Alt. Unv. But Trixie having social anxiety doesn't work with her canon personality, also you mention both Starlight and her having it.
Also Twilight being this paragon of goodness and the world's strongest thing (I assume to parallel the twist of Invincible) is a bit heavy handed and not really true. Cadence, Celestia and Luna could be seen equal or even more "good" than Twilight, and Discord is the strongest lone being.
Still, I'm curious enough to see where this goes next chapter.
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She borders on the fact because she's an unredeemed character, same goes for Suri.
Well... That happened...
What sort of nightmare have I read myself into?
I'm very interested in seeing where this goes
The inspiration from 'Invincible' is clear as day here, to the point I almost felt like I was reading an adaptation of that first episode. It's a solid enough intro, presenting one heck of a mystery and a serious situation to deal with. I just hope you take it in more original directions and not just copy what Invincible did.
Well damn, things get spicier and spicier
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
Nice! I can't wait to see how our heroes escape and to see what is going on with Twilight.
This story has a really interesting premise and engaging character interactions, even if it's darker than any story I would normally enjoy, but I'm already getting the impression that it's going to be way too coy about Twilight's motivations for the sake of some kind of reveal. With the current story structure, I can't really see those motivations measuring up to the forceful suspense.
Besides that, the story's okay. Kind of wish that Trixie actually got to punch somepony out when she was being harassed in the prison, since she's pretty much the only unicorn in the room who might be able to given her physical strength, but that's just personal wish fulfillment and not a criticism of the story.
As a reader of many Lightning Dust fanfics, there is a roughly 80% chance she ends up in a bar and a 1/3 chance she ends up fighting a former or current Wonderbolt in the same scene if she is in a bar.
I wish this was an exaggeration, but out of the stories I've read with Lightning in them I can name five where she spends at least one scene drunk and two of those she ends up fighting a Wonderbolt, including this one.
Great chapter. I hope Fuchs survives, he doesn't seem like a bad guy. Maybe Rainbow and Blondie are going to meet in Manehattan.
Also poor Wallflower Brush, hopefully Sunset and Suri will treat her better now that she has proven her worth. Also I wonder why she ended up in prison in the first place.
Hey that was a pretty good chapter. Dunno what Twilight’s motives are yet, but that just adds to the suspense. And I love your dialogue! Can't wait until the next :)
I wasn't expecting that, but the surprise is welcomed.
Now you've piqued my interest.
Yo, love those descriptions towards the start of the chapter. The tone is really good too, feels like an old crime drama. And you have a great way of writing action, which was really on show here. Quality update, can't wait for the next one.
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thanks dude! means a lot!
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
A fascinating and interesting read so far. I'm really looking forward to reading more!
Man Gore is a true hero, I hope Alias is proud of himself not helping him. Awesome chapter. I like how you mix the stories of the different characters, it really makes for an interesting read. Also the prison escape sequence was very well written, especially how things escalate.
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her stunt team were named the washouts....which is another word for a reject...sooo yeah that ship has sailed.
also known as 'the other mares'
I suspect it was for someone "in distress".
Should have taken two. And yes I recognize that he uses two to blow the safe later. Still should've taken two.
Always a good day when this story updates
This should have had the "gore" tag. I suspect it's not there for the shock value, but that's not really fair to your readers. As it is... I don't see how Twilight's reasoning, once it's revealed, could make her actions here make any sense, and that hangs over everything like a thick cloud. I don't really care about Starlight—not when there's this massively out-of-character moment for Twilight early into the story. It just stops me from getting invested, because all I can think of is how there had better be a really compelling explanation, or everything will look silly rather than dramatic.
Yeah. At this point there is no excuse for what Twilight is doing. She deserves death.
Holy Bananas! How many heart strings and bubbles can you pull and burst of mine today? Yet another fantastic read from this story, it only gets better and better on the story side, and worse and worse for my poor feelings. Popcorn is fully out, you have my attention.
Is this story based off of Equestria's Mirage by Alchemystudent?
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I hadn't heard of it, I'll check it out tho!
I just realized. Bon Bon has got to really think about this There would be no way Twilight would let her and Lyra live after this anyway. They both know to much.
I'm curious to know exactly why Twilight is doing this. Now she's wanting them dead and is playing looser and looser with secrecy? I wonder how long the secrecy is going to last at this rate.
That being said, I'm excited to see where this goes from here and thank you for writing this!
Awesome chapter! I really like seeing all the different characters starting to come together.
Just read all the recent chapters, awesome story so far, wonder what the hell has gotten into Twilight......, anyway, can’t wait for the next chapter
You plan to finish this in two chapters? I guess it's possible with the lengths, but I'm curious as to how you'll pull it off.
Poor Lyra. She didn’t deserve that, and Bon Bon too
Finally had the change to read this chapter. Very awesome, you really got me to hate Twilight, and loving the way everything is coming together.
Fantastic Chapter, loved it. so you still intend to wrap up this Fic in one more Chapter? Cause from what i can gather, there is still a LOT of stuff that needs to be covered, so is the last Chapter going to be the longest yet?
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Thanks! Hopefully not too long, working on a sequel too!
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SWEET! Cause there is still so much stuff going on
Clover and that Guard got caught, Rainbow and Blondie still got their Manehatten thing going on, Lightning, Scootaloo, Suri and the others got caught, Trixie and Rarity are with the Erased, Starlight finally confronts Twilight, Spike is going to meet up with Fluttershy and Pinkie, Moondancer told Sunset about Spike and Sunset is going to meet up with him, and most of the other Mane 6 don't know of Twilight now being a murderer aside from Rarity and even after seeing Twilight brutally dispatch a small squad of Erased Ponies Rarity still doesn't seem to fully believe it, then there is the stuff with Cadance finding out about Twilight from the Erased, what about Sunburst being locked up? Did Twilight really murder Lyra? And what's with that Changeling rat betraying Bon Bon? (Clearly he's the one that told the Guard's about Lightning and the others location) and the Royal Guard and Twilight being connected to the Briefcase Plot in Manehatten, so much loose ends, glad the Fic is getting a Sequel
Oh man this is awesome! Can't wait to read the final chapter
Didn't expect that Callidus was the traitor, I hope he dies a very painful death!.
Well, I enjoyed the references to Invincible, and I detected quite a bit of The Boys in there too, but the story really lacked the emotional core of the inspirations. I just don't really care about most of these characters; they're all terrible people, or pretty flat with little emotion. The story hits all the plot and character beats it needs to, but I just never felt anything beyond Starlight and Cadance.
The side plots and expansion really dragged the pacing down. Twilight's confession and fight with Starlight should've been the finale, but instead the story has to rush through all the interconnecting side plots with characters that I never really cared about and started to skim through until returning to Starlight in the end. The Boys bicker, but they work together when they need to as a team. Starlight's band was never really a cohesive unit and lacked chemistry with each other, and they should've really been the driving force of the story, contrasted with Cadance and Alias and Twilight slipping deeper into paranoia.
Twilight's confession and reveal was weak. There's a rightful 'heir' to the throne who could destroy them all? Really? That's the justification for slaughtering her allies and going full dictator-mode? There's zero setup to this. Maybe there's more going on in a sequel, but the story really dodged the question of why Twilight killed everyone until the last minute, then offered up a lame reason. Celestia's failures aren't really elaborated on enough to get a sense that Equestria was built on a foundation of lies that could come down at any moment, so Twilight just sounds like a deluded monster. Which is fine, if that's what you were going for, but I don't think it was.
I didn't feel an emotional connection between teacher and student when Starlight and Twilight fought, so I didn't buy that Twilight would leave her alive. The whole "you were my family" stuff fell completely flat. She sent her to a hellhole prison to freeze to death. Same with Sunset. Sunset played the "we're not so different card," and I guess that was enough for Twilight to let her live out of spite...Eh, this really needed a massive, knock-your-socks-off reveal at the end for Twilight and Starlight, and it stumbled hard for me. I don't dislike the story and I read it to the end, but I have no interest in a sequel.
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Agree with a lot of what you said, I feel as though I have a hard time communicating emotion without coming across as too expository / telling instead of showing. I really had a hard time trying to come up with a payoff to Twilight’s actions that didn’t feel super contrived. I had considered doing the reveal way earlier on but that would have weakened the tension (maybe that would have been OK since the reveal wasn’t as strong as it could have been anyway) I had wanted there to be some vagueness as to how much of Twilight’s actions were a consequence of a misguided sense of duty vs delusion caused by existential dread. But the end result satisfies neither and feels like it only reached halfway towards each without really knowing what it’s doing. Hoping to improve upon a lot of these problems in the sequel. Thanks for the comment, and for reading, means a lot!
Not a bad finale imo, glad that there is Sequel, are you going to take a bit of a break till you start working on it? Not gonna lie, I thought Twilight would’ve tortured Sunset and killed her after what she did to Spike, I mean, throughout the Fic, she slaughtered others for much less, anyway, I enjoyed the Fic, i’m curious on how Starlight and her group will finally defeat Twilight, or if they even will, I think Sunset also has to answer for her Ponyville massacre, well I eagerly await the Sequel regardless