Burying A Hero…

When Derpy dies just after the events of the movie, its left to the Mane 6 and Spike to arrange for her funeral - but how can you bury someone that you didn't know?

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Comments ( 3 )

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PacifistDoodl3r

PacifistDoodl3r #1 · Jul 20th, 2021 · 4 · ·

Hai! Welcome to FimFic! I usually read the first story that appears every time I get on; then decide whether or not to comment... and I found this story.

Here's a few things I'll point out to help you.

“You know, Spike, she told me that she liked the rain because it felt like it could refresh and restore everything”

There's no periods or commas in your dialogue. And it feels pretty flat almost every time somepony speaks. Mostly, the dialogue can get confusing. Trying to distinguish who said what nearly took me out of reading. I felt bored- especially towards the end due to the messy speaking lines.
Now, here's a positive: I adore the opening sentence. Right away, the reader is told Derpy passed away while the main theme of rain resetting the environment as life continues gets mentioned. Essentially, the fic starts the same way it ends. Very intriguing approach.

#

The line breaks. Here's how to do a traditional FimFic line break- ignore this if adding the pound sign was a creative decision. Use the menu located on the top right (it has three bars). Create a new paragraph and choose the option that resembles a minus symbol.

Back to it-

“You can either move out of the way now, I can get those two guards outside to come in and arrest you both or I can send a message to Celestia herself” Twilight had had enough after going through a literal hell over the last few days.

Twilight was pretty upset, but I don't think she'd be so aggressive towards the guards who were just doing their job. Yes, they were hesitant, but Twilight would've reasoned with them in a kind manner-

“Are you aware that stopping a Princess is an act of treason that carries, when I last looked, a very severe penalty?” Celestia asked.

-without Celestia having to step in to tell these terrified and concerned ponies they're at risk of treason. Nothing else lead me to believe this was an alternate universe where the Princesses were so “Merciless”. A mare has sadly died saving Equestria, perhaps they weren't thinking empathetically because of that. I just felt as if this came off as ignorant and rude from the Princesses.

“Ah thin’ ol’ Derpy would have appreciated it an’ all” Applejack said.

We've all been there. Writing Applejack’s dialogue like this- I still do this sometimes! You don't need to be so extreme on the southern accent when writing her lines. The reader will automatically read this in Applejack’s voice. Spelling the words to convey her accent isn't pleasing sometimes. Instead, use her vocabulary and speech pattern.

“Fluttershy” Rarity phrased her next words carefully, “Were you and Derpy… Special Someponies?”

“No! Yes!”

This is when the main quirk of your story clicked with me. It feels as if this is a sequel to something that isn't written (yet?). A lot of plot points are alienating. Earlier when it mentioned,

She remembered this place from when she had been the pony that had to confirm her parents are dead and it still gave her the creeps.

???
Give us that story! What!? Applejack been here and saw the corpses of her parents right where Derpy is? That would've been an emotional beat if we knew beforehand. And the example with Fluttershy being a secret fling with Derpy- her bae, well, it came across as you needed to write an emotional stake but accidentally shoehorned it in. That also could've been a nice story to read before reading this, you know, to prepare the reader for the aftermath.

To conclude,
I think your story had a unique premise but sadly, the execution weighs it down. Also, it's rated M when it could be a T. I know just about everyone enables the M rating visibility but a short story (especially your first) will benefit from appearing right away on your user page. Besides, a dead body is allowed to be talked about on a rated T story. Nothing was explicit in this.

I enjoyed it but I couldn't ignore the things needing a fix.

(I don't edit my long comments and ramble on like this. Sorry for some spelling errors)

Lover Of Muffins

Lover Of Muffins #2 · Jul 20th, 2021 · 1 · ·

10907304

Thanks for being the first to review and your lengthy comments

Twilight was pretty upset, but I don't think she'd be so aggressive towards the guards who were just doing their job. Yes, they were hesitant, but Twilight would've reasoned with them in a kind manner

Twilight was actually talking to the ponies in the funeral home

-without Celestia having to step in to tell these terrified and concerned ponies they're at risk of treason. Nothing else lead me to believe this was an alternate universe where the Princesses were so “Merciless”. A mare has sadly died saving Equestria, perhaps they weren't thinking empathetically because of that. I just felt as if this came off as ignorant and rude from the Princesses

To Celestia, the withdrawal of tea and cake is the ultimate punishment

The thing about the line breaks is more due to me writing for another well known series on another website - the # symbol is what most people use to break up chapters to allow for passages of time and I put it in out of habit.

It feels as if this is a sequel to something that isn't written (yet?).

Yep - there is a sequel already written and the flatness of the way they were speaking is essential to that story's plot points

Also, it's rated M when it could be a T. I know just about everyone enables the M rating visibility but a short story (especially your first) will benefit from appearing right away on your user page. Besides, a dead body is allowed to be talked about on a rated T story. Nothing was explicit in this

Its changed... I just felt that it was better to go for the highest rating possible and adjust if it was felt not that bad then to post at a lower level and pick up some kind of penalty

Scotishbro