• Member Since 1st Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Clemerl


E
Source

Discord is at it again, only this time he's brought an small army to the fold. The only problem is that they betrayed him and left him in his stone prison to cause more chaos then Equestria or the main six can handle. Now, to keep his home land from being destroyed, with what little power he has left he has summoned a warrior to fight for Chaotic Good, while granting onto him an unbreakable shield and a powerful weapon to fight. There's just one problem. His so called warrior is only 12 inches tall!

*Credit for the cover gos to http://kingdom-dragonheart.deviantart.com/ thanks you two!

In need of a beta reader, and an editor.

Chapters (6)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 35 )
Comment posted by Clemerl deleted Sep 2nd, 2013

Quick note, though there are a few OCs in here, there will be a quite a few ponyfide cameos from various cartoons/movies/games in later chapters, as well as a references to other fics here on the site. Hence, why I put the 'other' tab on. Just to be clear.:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by jfghrthroioerio deleted Sep 2nd, 2013

This seems like the start of a very interesting story, however, ther are a few spelling errors:

First chapter: hansome -> handsome

First/Second? chapter: thous -> those

Third chapter: thou -> now

I'm pressed for time now, but I can come back later and be more specific.

1263380 Thanks, but could you please quote the sentences not just the word. It makes it a bit easier to find the problems.:twilightsheepish:

Is this a Clockwork Orange crossover?

1263616 Not really, no. A few references to it might show up, but no real crossing over with it directly. Sorry.

1263533
Yeah, sorry. As I said, I had to leave right then.

You want specifics, you get specifics!

First chapter:

"Millions of universes. Millions of Planets. Billions of civilizations." It would be more dramatic if it were Millions->Billions->Trillions, instead of Millions->Millions->Billions.

"The humans called themselves Homo Sapiens Sapiens" It's only "Homo sapiens" Two words only; the second not capitalized.

"The things they were able to do with their Sciences and technology, the ponies in Equestria were still not able to replicate with magic, if at all." "Sciences" should not be capitalized; science and technology should both be singular; and although the second part is alright, it should probably be reworded as, "... the ponies of Equestria were still not able to replicate, even with magic."

Second chapter:

"... and I quote,"How would you..." You left out a space between the comma and the quotation marks.

"As he straighten himself out however did I get a good look at his face. And boy, what a Face!" "Straighten" should be in past tense, and "... Face!" shouldn't be capitalized; I realize you're trying to emphasize it, but that could be better accomplished with italics or bold.

"It felt like they told me so much, yet at the same time, nothing at the same time." You just accidently repeated "at the same time."

""It's exactly as I said," The strangely dressed man replied."I..." "The" shouldn't be capitalized, it's the same sentence, and you left off a space between the period and quotation marks after replied; also, the period should be a comma: he's continuing his previous sentence, not starting a new one.

"...That's what I thought you said." No "..."

"It's just that, this guy, Something seemed really off about him but I just couldn't put my finger on it." Comma before the but.

"Now I know just what you're thinking lad, 'This guy is must be completely nuts!' right?" the "lad" is a direct address, commas before and after.

"EQUESTRIA." I would put an exclamtion point there, myself.

"There's a few things I've got to know first" Period.

"...why I shouldn't." he said, " After ..." 1. After shouldn't should be a comma. 2. The "he said" is completely unnecessary, you already said who was speaking in the previous paragraph. 3. You put a space between the quotation marks and after.

"Possibly even a, oh I don't know, a dragon." This sentence would be better as, "Possibly even a... Oh, I don't know... A dragon." Maybe an exclamation point after dragon, depending on how you want him saying it.

"... the sandvich chunk..." "sandwich" not "sandvich"

"... he asked putting his hand to his chest, as if the very word hurt him." Comma after asked, no comma after chest.

"... frustrating sometimes" He grumped, and..." Comma after sometimes, he not capitalized, and you should probably end the sentence after grumped and remove the and.

"... that Grumpy pants was..." "Grumpy Pants" all words of proper nouns need to be capitalized.

"On second thought, grumpy looks better on him. This grin he has now made the first one Fluttershy cute by comparison. But still I pressed on." Put a hyphen between "Fluttershy" and "cute." And don't switch tenses!

"Lad if that's all your worried about I'll simple make..." Direct address, comma after "Lad," and "simple" should be "simply."

"... I might as well just give you the power to bring inanimate objects to life size and let you posses them, just for kicks!" I just gotta say, "This foreshadowing is great!"

"... the on coming headache." "on coming" is one word.

"Deal." he smirked." "he" needs to be "He"

"...hands but before..." Comma.

"After all that, he stopped right in front traffic." Front traffic? That needs to be reworded.

"... turned to me placing his hand..." Comma after me.

"milk behind."...the First step..." Spacing before quotation marks, again; and First shouldn't be capitalized.

"painful." he finished..." This paragraph could probably use a little rewording, but for this, a comma after painful, rather than a period, is fine.

"... motion however, before..." Comma before AND after however.

"And straight into on coming traffic." I think this would flow better with out the and.

Chapter three:

"Ah, Pain." no capitalization for pain, it's not a proper noun.

"... more then accustom to in my ten years of self-defense training. A age old frienemy for most, who has followed them though-out their lives..." Then should be than, accustom should be in past tense, "A" should be "an," and "though-out" should be "throughout."

"... now however, I..." Commas before and after however again.

"... inside of wind tunnel..." A wind tunnel.

"... is me you were..." to "... is me, if you were..."

"... all, thou they..." "Thou" is the archaic, informal version of "you," you mean "though."

"... to god, 18 century..." 18th

"... corked it, literally." I would put "literally" in its own sentence.

"... that got to me a slack jaw and a pair of dinner plates sized eyes." No to between got and me, and plate, singular, hyphenated with sized.

"... fine, thou as..." Though again.

"... the same jointing with the elbows..." to "...a similar joint at the elbows..."

"... it had a yellow-gold cuffs that jutted out in the back just covering the backs my wrist and similar colored shoulder guards." No "a" between had and yellow, and "... in the back, just covering the back of my wrists, and..."

"... blue up to the knee joint..." Down to the knee-joint, not up.

"The key word here, was tried." No comma.

"... pond, thou the fact..." Though, again.

"... the first signs of life..." Civilization, not life.

"... what in the hell..." Remove the "in" or the "the."

"... grace of an three legged..." to "... grace of a three-legged..."

"... form, siting atop..." Two tees in "sitting."

"... blue conducting hat..." This should probably be "blue conductor hat"

"... that rapped around..." "Wrapped" Just one of those words that has silent letters.

"... holding a large, poofy, and bright red, feather..." I see what you're going for here, but it should be "... holding a large, poofy, bright red feather..."

"... shade yes, but still, blue." Comma before yes, and I would remove the comma before blue.

"... mention Blue is my..." No capitalization; blue isn't a proper noun.

"... nor did I want one, now." No comma before now.

"It felt like I just got trolled, big time." Either no comma, or a new sentence for "big time."

"with out" One word.

"... thou honestly..." Add the "gh"

"A indestructible..." --> "An indestuctible..."

"... you'll never need to," The comma should be a colon. ":"

"... me, took a hold..." to "... me, take a hold..."

"This time I it came in a small burst..." I would reword this to: "This time it felt like a small burst..."

"... after my turn fest..." "turn-fest"

"So okay, the last one's a pretty good idea. But three out of four of them were still pretty bad!" You need to clarify what idea.

"... I cast a glace at to town again..." "glance at the town"

End of proof reading.

I hope this helps you now that I've spent nearly three hours of my time on it. Oh, one more thing, I can't be your proofreader full-time; not enough hours in my day.

1265948 :pinkiegasp: Whoa, I didn't know I made that many mistakes. Thanks for that. It only helps me improve. Plus, I don't expect you to proofread me full-time, but any help is appreciated. So again, thanks!:pinkiehappy:

1267118
Your welcome. As you post chapters and I read them, I'll mention anything that jumps out at me.

1304131 Excellent. Also I think we have come across the first moral of this fic under no circumstances make deals with Discord and expect it NOT to bite you in the ass later somehow and in some absurd way.

1304170 I know this all to well the he gave me a tree do you know what it grows? apple grenades that detonate when they fall off and I can't get rid of it because it just grows back.

Finally, :ajbemused:you have no idea how hard in was to write this chapter. So to compensate for the time it took, I made it longer:pinkiehappy:. Tell me what you think. Oh and real quick, yes, I know I misspelled impossible. It was intentional, so please don't bring it up.

1312342
Straight face time:
You misspelled "impossible"

On a more serious note, right before the Cutie Mark Crusader Shout, you typed "kind" instead of "kid"

:pinkiegasp:Folks we've got our first villain. Now I know what most of you are probably thinking. 'Who the hell is this supposed to be? Why are you using a villain we've never heard of instead of, Discord, or Nightmare Moon, or Trixie, etc?' because I know someone is going to bring them up:ajbemused:. The reason is quite simple. It's my story. Besides that, most of the 'villains' from the show will make an appearance, and have a roll in the story, but I already have what their roles will be in mind, and I don't want to ruin it by putting them out to soon. Now that that's out of the way, I am currently writing the next chapter which will tell us more about our baddy, but it will take a while to upload it, because I got a job recently that will take up a lot of my time. So please, :pinkiehappy: and carry on.

1348721 and its villain that look like gender reversed version of peacock from skullgirls

1350226 Really?:trixieshiftright: *Gos to check* Huh. :rainbowhuh:He kinda dose. Weird. I didn't notice before:rainbowderp:. Oh well, too late to change it now.

Half a week after reading, I'm finally getting around to commenting...

That villain is simply petrifying...
Shoot if you dare! I've already cast an animate stone spell on myself! Ha!

1352051
Now, it is starting to seem to me that you need a dictionary to back up the spell-check your using.

To name some of the errors I found:

A castle has a "moat" not a "mote"

When Pinkie hears our protagonist calling to he, her friends "accept" her explanation, not "except" it

In the paragraph where Luna first speaks:
1. You us thankfully to start two sentences in a row, that's a no-no if you can help it
2. You don't need a comma before 'traditional ye olde Canterlot voice'
3. "ye olde" should be before "traditional," and you might capitalize "Traditional Canterlot Voice," but that's just whether you wish to or not

And there are quite a few more that I noticed while reading, but I don't have time to go through and find them for you.

1381765 Son of a-:facehoof: I should have known someone would make that pun. And as far as getting a dictionary gos, all I've got is a pocket version, which doesn't have a lot of the words I need, sometimes, so things like that are bound to show up once in a while. Still, thanks for the help.:pinkiesmile: Even a little is better then none.

Comment posted by Clemerl deleted Sep 2nd, 2013

I have noticed that you have used "dose" instead of does and "brake" instead of break.

While i'm not that good at proper grammar, the comma in "Why would you want to free, him!" just doesn't seem right to me.

also, when he calls himself 'The Blue Loon' you're missing the opening ' mark (But that's more me being nitpicky)

Really liking the story, i hope you keep it up :pinkiesmile:

Update. And I shall give you a mustache.

Nice! I like Discord's thinly-veiled attempt to suggest he isn't the one doing the narration, and this is really interesting overall. ^_^ Great work!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!