• Member Since 16th Feb, 2018
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Jstarter


Comments ( 164 )

Im curious? whats the vibe your going for this story? And do you know how long it will?

Ps. By vibe I mean whats the spice for the story? Im not sure what will happen by the description? Which...itonically after thinking about...is the point? :facehoof:

Also a :moustache:

Comment posted by Jstarter deleted July 10th

10894953
i feel like describing the exact vibe might be a bit difficult, but ill do my best.
i know the description is a little generic but it fits.
also might be considered spoilerish since its my thoughts on it.

i have a general idea of the start and where it will end up in the end (a place that could also be the launching point for a squeal). but how long its going to take to get there Im not sure. stuff in in the middle to figure out as i go along. i have already written a few chapters at this point to make sure i could stick with the story.

vibe; hmm. a bit of mlp with d&d like elements i feel like. something that is equestria before the show but with differences.
i have thought about different story's with the concept of someone becoming nightmare moon for a while, and after looking at some art got the idea for this one. that is one of the reasons why it might have a few more lewd descriptions of things, bit not planed much as a focus.
one way to put it is a differnt origin to equestria before the tribes united as well.
(might of went over the top with explaining)

10894988
naw it chill. Ill keep an eye on your story. Always wanted read a weirder version someone becomes NM. The other one I read was Slice and Life. Either this cool. Ill go get a read on!

Too early to tell if this story will turn out like many 'HIE turned into said pony' stories or actually be captivating. So, I'm going to watch the story for now, but with interest and hope. Good luck.

10895103
thanks! hope you find it enjoyable as it comes out

Nice. Cannot wait to see more.

We will watch your career with great interest
(No star wars memes here no sir)

Oooh, this intrigues me, can never have too much nightmare horse

Mediocre start. Lots of filler text that's probably not going to matter to the story because already we know from the story description that he's going to go to Equestria. Also, enough typos that they distracted me from what I was reading.

It's not a bad intro, but yeah, fairly mediocre. It probably would have been better to release two chapters so we can know what we're getting into.

10895547
mhm. probably. i know I'm not an expert writer so I'm just trying to do what i can and hope people enjoy it.
I'm a bit surprised its had as many views and likes as it has in such a short time.

can you give me an example of a typo that occurred in it?

Transformed into an anthropomorphic version

Anthropomorphic? Yet, no anthro tag? Unless it was only the protagonist that was anthro, there's something missing. Unless this is another story in which all the ponies are not anthro, nor ponies, but humans. Or literally any other hundreds of reasons I'm probably missing.

10895702
thanks! missed that when selecting tags

10895706
No problem, I've seen it happen a couple times before.

Morning came sooner than Alexander would have liked. Woken by the sun as he had forgotten to close the blinds for the night. He moved some of his reddish orange hair out of his eyes as he rubbed them. Looking to the side his digital *cock* read 7AM.

I think you might have meant clock

10895870
fuf. thanks!
its like regardless of how many times i go over it some little error is missed

10895595

can you give me an example of a typo that occurred in it?

Sure, it's just about every paragraph that has some mistake or another. Just from a single pass:

Yea, chaotic is definitely how he would describe this.

Should be yeah not yea.

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/yea-yeah-yay/

"Yea is pronounced “yay” and it means yes. You would typically use it only under specific circumstances, such as a formal vote. Voting yea means that you are in favor of the proposal. "


There was not much he could do about that he guessed.

You're mixing voices here. This section of text is narration. It's not being spoken by a character in the story. Your narration is speaking in a character voice. A real human being might say "I guess" and it's completely ok for a character in your story to speak like this. But to have impersonal narration speak with "charcter flavor" is peculiar.


They were all adults with phones in a very public place, so the chances of anything bad happening was very unlikely despite what his small spike of worry told him.

"The chances was unlikely" is doubly incorrect. A thing might be unlikely, but chances aren't unlikely, they're low. For example, you might say "it's unlikely that I'll roll a die and get six, ten times in a row." Or, "the chances of rolling ten sixes are low." But not "the chances are unlikely."

Second, you're mixing singular with plural. You're saying "chances" plural rather than "chance" singular, yet you're saying "was" rather than "were." This is like saying "the apples was tasty" instead of "the apples were tasty" or "the apple was tasty." That's incorrect.


“Nightmare Moons hotter.”

That should be a contraction. It needs an apostrophe.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contraction_(grammar)#English

"Nightmare Moons" means either that there's more than one Nightmare Moon, or colloquially that she's exposing her bare backside to someone. "Nightmare Moon's" means either that something belongs to Nightmare Moon, or that "Nightmare Moon is" something.

Sort of like how "that is" becomes "that's". The full statement is "Nightmare Moon is hotter." Applying a contraction, it becomes "Nightmare Moon's hotter."


All he got was a shrug in replay

All he got was a shrug in reply


Check this out, looks pretty cool” Nile called out

Needs punctuation after the word cool. Either a comma or an exclamation point.


reminding Alaxander a lot of an older, more professional shaggy from Scooby doo.

It's generally poor practice to make references like this, but if you're going to you should at least capitalize proper names. Shaggy not shaggy. Doo should also be capitalized.


“Flat onehundred dollars.

"one hundred"

“Because it will look great next to my other nightmare moon merch.

Nightmare Moon is a proper name, and like Shaggy, should also be capitalized.

“Yea, yea,

Nobody's voting here. "Yeah, yeah"

they were interrupted up a female voice calling out.

by not up

Boys! Come one!

Come on not come one.

Dreaming of giant Celestia’s

No apostrophe.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/what-happens-to-names-when-we-make-them-plural-or-possessive


Looking to the side his digital cock read 7AM.

I think you mean digital clock not digital cock. A cock is a sexual organ. Or a male chicken. You mean "timepiece."

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/clock

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/cock


commonly worn dark jumper and pail skin.

Pale skin, not pail skin. Her skin isn't made of buckets.

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/pail


Nicol

Jenifer

Izsak

Nile

These names aren't incorrect, but they're weirdly distracting. Where are you from that these are common names, and common spellings for names?

I see that you're using British rather than American English, which is fine...but I've never even heard the name "Izsak" and google tells me it's a Hungarian spelling of Isaac, and it appears to be a last name not a first name. Meanwhile, "Nile" is Egyptian after the river, and you describe Nile as "aboriginal" so I suppose he's Egyptian. Meanwhile, "Nicol" is a male name of Scottish origin...but you're using it for a female character, where the more typical spelling would be Nicole. And "Jenifer" while not incorrect, is an unusual spelling, and would more commonly be "Jennifer."

Where is this story taking place? From the names, I'm guessing it's not anywhere where English is the primary language.


Panic griped him

Panic gripped him.

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/griped

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/gripped


dribbling down the soul of his foot

Sole not soul.

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/sole

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/soul


growing out like a time laps of growing grass

Lapse not laps. Laps are what you run around a track.

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/lapse

https://thefreedictionary.com/laps

reminding him of a horses coat for a moment.

"horse's" with an apostrope. The coat belongs to the horse. "Horses" means that there is more than one horse.


Bringing it up to look at the soul while standing on one leg confirmed that.

Again, sole not soul.


“I really did turn into an anthropomorphic nightmare moon.”

Once again, Nightmare Moon should be capitalized.


She had the cute mark

"cutie" mark


Alexanders top had been shredded by her new wings

Alexander's


The thought of Niles father

Nile's

Though this is awkward either way, because "Niles" with an s is also a name, and it's a far more common than than "Nile" without an s, if this is taking place somewhere where English is the primary language.

http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Niles


Wonder why that is. ”

Unneeded extra space.


Alexander looked down at her cute mark.

"cutie" mark


I don't mean to be harsh. My impression is that you speak two languages, and you learned English compliments of British imperialism. You're obviously not American. British English is fine, there's nothing wrong with it so long as you use it consistently rather than going back and forth between the two styles. But your particular use of British English leads me to guess that it's not your primary language. Good on you if you speak two languages. But you might benefit from an editor.

10895908
That is a lot to process. did not expect you to go that much into it. I'm guessing your a professional writer? or at least a lot more competent than me.
shows how bad my writing still is.

More embarrassingly after hearing you talk about that i have to admit I'm from Australia and only speak English. its probably in part because the internet throws a lot of different versions of the same word around, lack of needing to write like this much, and maybe disability in part (though i don't want to use that as an excuse for bad writing). Practice and thinking about it more will probably help we improve a bit over time.

As for the names, being honest i just came up with ones i thought sounded interesting rather than looking at how they are used in the real world. i don't think there so strange as to be impossible for someone to be named that, people have decided to give their kids stranger names. but i can see why that might put some people off. do you think its worth going through going through and changing them? heck just try fixing all of it?

Also some already pointed out clock, which i have fixed.

No idea how to go about getting an editor. would like to be able to fix it myself without needing one if i can but thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks for pointing all that and taking time out of your day to try and help. i get the feeling some things are not going to get ironed out for quite a while, but still thanks again!

Man I love these can’t wait to see where this goes

OH FUCK YEAH! CANT WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS STORY GOES WOOOOOOOO THIS SITE ALWAYS NEEDS MORE OF THESE STORIES! :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

10895931
I'll be honest here, I'm a bit apprehensive giving this a chance after seeing the train-wreck you already caused with so many minor things that could have easily been fixed with proofreading your own chapter. Heck, even a basic grammar and spelling check of common writing programs and/or browser add-ons would have massively helped you avoid confusing things like the 'griped - gripped' thing and the capitalization of names. Even in the story's description, you fail to capitalize Nightmare Moon and first impressions are very important. A nice picture isn't going to keep the interest of readers indefinitely.

No idea how to go about getting an editor. would like to be able to fix it myself without needing one if i can but thanks for the suggestion.

Try out Grammarly, really. Even an editor might lose their patience at some point, even if some might be used to it. Don't rely on it completely, though. Practice writing above all else, that's my advice to you. You can avoid making mistakes by getting them constantly thrown in your face by a spelling program like that. Trust me, that's how I learned to avoid making most of my errors.

i get the feeling some things are not going to get ironed out for quite a while, but still thanks again!

They aren't going to iron themselves out by themselves, sure. Put some effort in and eventually, you will get to a point where you might not find errors every time you glance over a paragraph here and there. At that point, only an editor might be able to find the ones you blatantly oversee because you are too familiar with your own words.

10896013
thanks for the advice/feedback!
yea ill try looking into Grammarly before continuing. I will most likely edit the first chapter as well

(also meant ironed out as it would take a while to lean everything properly like your said and not have mistakes like i do now)

I usually tend to avoid anthro stories -- mostly because they've disappointed me in the past with their quality and plot. However, you clearly have an intriguing enough idea to grab my attention.

I can overlook the errors for now since it's the first chapter and I know how difficult it can be to spot mistakes in your own writing, no matter how many times you re-read it. My advice is to take it slow, make sure each paragraph achieves what you want it to do. If you find yourself unsure on something, give it a Google.

Once you're happy with the chapter, paste it into Grammarly and manually correct mistakes instead of letting it do it for you; this is to help you learn to avoid the same types of mistakes repeating. However, if it gives you a correction that you personally don't like or you don't think it's correct, don't change it. Also, keep writing, keep practising, you might find yourself rewriting entire chapters just because you know it isn't your best.

I think I've droned on for long enough now, sorry. Just try your best and strive for good quality writing, and you'll find yourself improving greatly.

If you tell this story well, I think you might just hold my attention. But I have a bad feeling that this story will end up confusing and disappointing. I hope you can prove me wrong.

Okay, so, quick tag thing. The Sex tag has different meanings depending on the rating of the fic, for Teen, that means referring to it, and you could technically use it actual sex scenes, as long as there’s nothing explicit. But, for a Mature rated fic, it means that there’s explicit sex in it, as the Mature rating covers both mentions of sex, nudity, and minor gore. The Porn tag is basically a specialized version of the Sex tag, basically an alternative to the Adventure and Slice of Life tags.

As for the actual story itself, the concept is interesting, feels like a refreshing twist to an otherwise overused plot device. I’m not sure yet how to feel, as I’m not a fan of Anthro, but seeing as you aren’t using that tag, I’m guessing only the protagonist will be anthro. If so, I wonder how the ponies will react.

Quite interesting, let's see where this goes. Also, you could try and editor too if you feel too taxed editing this yourself

10896139
thanks for the advice!

and yeah i know not every story is for everyone. but if does end up going beyond your expectations I'll be glad you enjoyed it!

10896145
i did not really see that with the tags. once i selected mature, only then did those tags appear to be selected for me. it said sex tag was for either implicit or explicit, and since it was probably going to be a bit suggestive in areas i selected it. feels a little hard sometimes to tell what tags are appropriate enough, with some of them.

also as for the anthro tag someone pointed out that it would of been missing and i added it shortly after. so not quite sure how you missed that? (unless you read it when first posted and only commented quite a while later.)
i know this subject is not for everyone, i have been a bit shaky on story's myself involving it in the past. however i felt this fit best for what I'm currently going for.

if I manage to beat your expectations this than I'm glad. but i still understand if it does not end up being for you.

Ok this story actually seems really interesting and so as a way to help out here are some helpful tips that I learned from my own mistakes.

1. Plan a outline at the very least.
It doesn’t need to be super detailed but it does need to be made in a way you can make sense of and to make sure you know where the story is going so you don’t get too much writers block or write yourself into a corner. Really think about it.

2. Figure out your tone.
From what was said near the end you don’t know your tone yet, From how it seems right now, I would recommend it at as a light hearted almost casual tone but still have some characters like antagonist still take things seriously but the world around them doesn’t fit some reason. Think miss Kobyashi dragon maid as an example.

3. Write when you can and keep us updated.

I’ve seen too many good story concepts go to waist because the author just disappears on a story and never acknowledges it again. Part of the reasons is some authors only write for as long as their interest in the story keep them going... that never works out and you just need to be diligent and just get the motivation to write, and when, where, and how you feel most comfortable to do writing.

Other then all that keep up the work and I will be following this story.

10896735
thanks for the advice!

out of all those i feel tone might be the hardest to figure out.

10896762
I can understand it’s hard to grasp at first but it will come. I can only guess from this first chapter, but with how nonchalant it presented. I would recommend going for a 75% not seriously to 25% serious so the conflict like the death cult is still serious enough to get invested.

10896769
nightmare cult. but yeah thanks again for the advice!
i do feel like it will get more serious once he gets to equestria but that's not a bad way to mix things.

10896810
Great, to hear. Although out of all my advice, take the outline seriously. I have improved my stories into corners so many times I’ve lost count. Now you don’t have to necessarily make a fully detailed map of the whole story but do need a compass or a path to know where your going otherwise you will just get lost and might have to start over even loose the motivation to try again at all.

10896824
yep, ill do that. I already have a few ideas written down even if their not in a proper list currently. I'll add more to it and put them in a proper order.

10896714
You’re right that I opened it up early, and ended up not having the time to continue reading. As for being Anthro, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt, for now.

After having last few human to NMM stories dying and no new ones coming out, I honestly thought this would be either really bad, disappointment. And im happy to say this was actually pretty good for what it is, how good you are.

And you're actually taking this seriously not making it a copy or shitpost nor did you over sexualized your description or gave us a exact/specific cup size, which i am very happy for because that crap is annoying

10897277
glad you seem to be enjoying it so far! i hope you end up liking it more in the long run.
going to fix up some grammar and spelling in the first chapter like some others have sugested, so hopefully it will end up a bit better after that.

not quite sure what your mean by copy or shitpost. you mean like how most stories are them the same with them arriving at the start of the show?
also yea nightmare moon is supposed to be quite attractive, and that will affect some characters reaction to her but its not planed to be the main focus. there will some lewd descriptions on occasion like the tag suggests but should not be over the top. hopefully i can get everything right in the long run

One last thing. Be sure to give Alexander/NNM more personality then what was currently shown. I mean it works for the beginning but I hope we can see a bit more of what they are like.

10898002
yep. something to work on more along with everything else.
wonder what others usually wright down at times help short them out.

10895888
Tell me about it! I've gone over chapters ten times looking for errors, and five minutes after I post a chapter, someone says, "Hey, here's a really obvious typo!"

Another one is doubled words, like, "the the". Tiresome for sure.

But it's never too late to make a correction.

10898152
yea it can be quite annoying.

i start by wiring in word so at least for me double words get underlined red.

Ending up with something His friend payed for Alexander Amber found their life changed forever.

First, "His" doesn't need the capital. Second, "payed" should be "paid". Third, you've already said "his friend" so saying "their life" is wrong. It should be "his life changed."

Transformed into an anthropomorphic version of Nightmare Moon he, now she, does not have much time with their friends before they are inevitably sent to Equestria.

"time with their friends" Again, you called him him already, change the "their" to either "he" or "she".

Now she must deal with being worshiped by a nightmare cult, and the other differences thrown at her from this version of Equstria.

Spelt Equestria wrong.

10898160
I end up doing last-minute editing in the website after uploading (I use the Show Preview to catch formatting issues caused by Word behaving a bit differently from the online editor here.

10898164
while i can see the capital and miss spelling you pointed out, I'm not sure why your pointing out 'their'. its meaning its 'belonging to or associated with the people or things easily identified.'

Loving it cant wait gor more

10896762
Adding to this, from my own experience I usually come up with a beginning, middle, and end. By that, I figure out how the story will start, several minor/big things I want to happen, and how the story will end. That way it becomes more of connecting the dots trying to figure out how to get from one to the other. Most of the story becomes stuff I made up (by that I mean didn't plan out), and normally works for me since it eventually will lead to the next event you thought of.

Another piece of advice I learned from Stephen King's writing book that I found really helpful is when writing a scene, think of the characters that will be present, where they're located and lock them in that room/place. Imagine how they'll react to the environment around them, and each other. This trick has been working for me, and adds that needed touch to the story.

If this seems like I'm hijacking your story, than I apologize in advance, but if you're interested in seeing my most recent story using this trick than you can find it here. Once more, good luck and keep practicing!

10898423
thanks for the advice!
after others brought up having more of an out line i have put more of one together. still needs more stuff added to it but yea im doing that.

i think i have heard something similar to the second one at some point, but i think that was more for writing that characters perspective? been quite a while since i saw it so i don't remember exactly

“Dam you're hot,” Niles stated as fact.

Perfection. Almost like when you meet Celestia for the first time and the only thing you can blurt out at the moment is "Damn you're tall!"


Hope you are not going to abandon this story after a 3-5 chapters. Almost every time I find a "human turn NM" story it ends up like that. :fluttercry:

10898605
thanks!
already wrote 4 chapters currently before posting the story at all, though each one will need to be edited with the advice. (two already done as you can see). so those will be up after not to long.

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