• Published 9th Jul 2021
  • 7,890 Views, 63 Comments

Clandestine Arrangements - Uh-hmmm

Ultimately, what Anon learned was to never trust Cadance. (Contains gratuitous Scottish accent) (RGRE) {This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}

  • ...

Second Person POV

Author's Note:

I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies with the Scottish accent.

You are Anon, on what was supposed to be a simple matchmaking mission. You were charged with delivering an invitation to a hermit stallion, but you should have known something was up when Shining wouldn't meet your eyes during the short debriefing. So here you stand, in your snowshoes and parka while six bandit mares bicker about what they are going to do to you. The slate blue breezie peeks out from the violet mane of the sky blue earth pony.

"As the leader of the Sinister Schlicks, I call dibs on riding in his ball bra!"

The other mares grumble, with the green unicorn snorting.

"Rustle, just because you have the ear of the prince, that doesn't make you the leader."

Your jaw drops.

"Shining set me up?"

The breezie grins.

"Sure did! Every once in a while, he sends us a treat, and in return we don't spread the things he and the missus get up to. Shame about your friendship, colt."

You scowl at her. You aren't terribly happy about Shining either. Whatever blackmail they have on him can't be worth sending his own subjects into slavery or whatever this is. But between the two unicorns, two earth ponies, and the pegasus, you really doubt you can escape, or even fight your way out. Pony magic is bullshit, even if You could probably suplex one or two on your own. You'll just have to bide your time, and take your opportunities when they come.

"Can we at least get out of the cold? I don't want to freeze to death, just because you lot can't agree on anything."

Rustle nods solemnly, then zips over and wiggles into your clothes, hooking her forelegs on the waistband of your pants. You can feel the tiny curves of her butt and legs press up against your shaft, and react despite yourself. She grins up at you.

"Knew you'd warm up to me~."

You frown and say nothing. Rustle faces forwards and points a hoof dramatically towards the distant cliffs.

"You heard the lord, everypony march!"

As the afternoon begins to wane, you hear a distant rumbling. You cast an apprehensive look towards the cliffs, but there is no sign of movement there. Your escort glances around nervously as well. Rustle hauls herself out of your pants and takes to the air.

"Sounds like a yak. You know what to do, girls."

The pegasus leaps into the air and climbs high in the sky. One unicorn encases the group in a shimmering lime dome, the other bracing it with six rods of yellow magic that dig into the ground under the snow. The two earth pones dig with incredible speed, leaving mounds of dirt and snow outside their holes. Rustle settles down on your head.

"Catching a colt and fleecing a yak, today definitely is a good day."

You had hoped the yak would be your ticket out of here, but Rustle's confidence dims that hope.


The figure that bursts through a snowdrift is definitely not a yak. Easily two to three times the size of your pony captors, the absolute unit of a mare leaps above the dome. As Rustle yells incoherently, the huge mare hurls a greatsword as long as you are tall, shattering the dome. One second later, she hits the ground in front of you, kicking the unicorns with a fore and hind leg. They get sent flying, landing yards away at the end of long furrows in the snow. The two earth pones collapse the ground out from under her. You stand frozen in place as meaty thwacks rise from the hole in the ground. Rustle curses under her breath, then darts off into the sky.

"Nimbus! Get the whole camp!"

That just leaves you and the giant mare clambering out of the pit, cursing under her breath. She shakes the dirt out of her long orange mane, then bites your coat and heaves you onto her back. You yelp, scrambling to get your legs under you and astride your rescuer. The giant sheathes her greatsword and begins trotting, picking up speed as you wrap your arms around her neck.

"Ginger Scotch, biggest ana strungest mare in the two courts and greata territories! By me Mum's straps and Da's garters, Ah swear Ah'll bring ye back safe an' sound!"

You focus on trying not to bite your tongue.

"Ah, thanks for saving me."

She laughs.

"No problem! 'Tis the duteh of any guardsmare worth her salt! Na, are ye holdin' on tight as ye can?"

You swallow and clench your legs and arms as much as you can.



She leans forward, picking up speed. The wind roars in your ears, your vision blurring with windswept tears. For long moments, all you can focus on is the powerful muscles roiling under you, the mare's flesh almost feverishly warm. An unknown amount of time later, Ginger slows to a trot. You lean back and wipe your eyes. She looks over her shoulder at you.

"Ye alright back there? If yer bout tae hurl, kindly do it off tae the side."

You laugh a little giddily, coming down from the adrenaline.

"No, I'm, uh, haha, I'm good."

She gives you a skeptical look.

"If ye get any boak on me, Ah'ma batter on you, ye ken?"

You nod seriously.

"Got it. So, uh, did we lose them?"

Ginger Scotch shakes her head.

"No with all this snow around. No doubt they got a few pegs an' mebbe a griff or two, so it's only a matta o' time 'fore they try an' swoop at us."

You frown.

"What do we do then?"

She points forward.

"We'll take a break inna forest o'er there, then head back tae the city. Should be a patrol tae meet us, if we're lucky."

You look forward to see an evergreen forest, patches of brown needled forest floor visible deeper in.

"Hard to swoop through all those branches, makes sense."


For several moments, all you can hear is the crunch of snow underhoof and Ginger's steady breathing.

"So, what brings a bonnie stallion like ye oot tae the frozen wildaness?"

You sigh.

"I thought I was delivering an invitation, but if what the bandits said is true, the prince set me up."

She snaps her head up to look at you with a troubled expression.
"The prince? Ah cannae believe it. Far more likely, they were talkin' oot their fannies tae keep ye muddled."

You sit back and consider her point.

"That's... that does make sense. Something to talk to Shining about either way."

As the two of you enter the forest, you huddle close to Ginger's neck to avoid getting hit with branches. The pine scent combines nicely with her earthy musk. Before too long, she finds a relatively dry spot under an ancient pine and slowly kneels with a groan. You smile a little at the sound, then swing your leg over her back and slide down. Only for your practically numb legs to crumble beneath you, landing you face first in the brown needles. Ginger lets out a bark of laughter while you push yourself up. You brush the debris from your face, then decide to lay down more carefully as feeling returns to your abused backside.

"Ow. Ugh, why does my butt hurt? I would very much appreciate my butt not hurting."

The giant mare grins at you.

"Ah can kiss it better if ye like."

You roll your eyes, even as she tosses a waterskin to you. You prop yourself up on one elbow and take a surprisingly long drink. You didn't think you were that thirsty. You toss the waterskin back and set to massaging your sore muscles.

"So, how does a pony get as big as you?"

Ginger maintains eye contact as she chugs the rest of the water. You raise an eyebrow at her antics, but say nothing. She nonchalantly tucks the waterskin back in her saddlebags.

"Simple enough. Me great granny went an’ shagged a dragon."

You blink, waiting for her to laugh. She raises an eyebrow at you. You lick your lips.

"Seriously? You don't look... dragonish."

Ginger shrugs.

"Ma always said it was extreme sexual dimorbi- diamon- dime- Father Nature being a pure numpty bastard. Ye should see mah brother, he could pass for a shaved kirin, he could."

You grunt.


She nods.

"Pretty much. Pa says it's fate fer takin’ a dragon's son, though Ah dinnae ken if that's the right of it."

You shrug and set to massaging your thighs. Ginger doesn't bother hiding the direction of her gaze, which you more or less ignore. Mares are going to mare. Eventually, you get to your feet with only a little wobbling. The giant mare watches you appraisingly.

"Ready to go?"

You grimace at the twinges in your muscles.

"Ready as I'm likely to get. Let's go."

You climb onto her back and whimper a little. She looks at you with concern.

"If'n ye need more time tae massage yer foal-chasers..."

You shake your head.

"Let's just get back to safety."

Ginger nods seriously and stands up. She starts off at a walk, keeping an eye on you. It doesn't feel great, but you get used to the stinging pain. As the two of you emerge from the forest, she slowly picks up the pace and settles into a smooth trot. You keep an eye on the sky, but there is no sign of pursuing bandits. You can't tell if that is a good sign or not.

As you turn to look ahead, you accidentally make eye contact with Ginger. She blushes under a face full of freckles and quickly faces forward. You giggle a little at the juxtaposition of your worries and her cute reaction. The mare just grumbles about stallions under her breath. You take pity on the mare and try to think of a conversation topic to distract her from her embarrassment. What do you have in common?

"Oh! Do you know about any place with higher doorways? I keep hitting my head on the threshold at my apartment."

You can feel Ginger swallow.

"Ah had the same problem, but Ah just moved inna barracks fer the guard. Dinnae if that helps."

You hum.

"Maybe I should join the guard or something then. Or just save up for a house and get it altered."

She looks at you over her shoulder with a grin.

"Ye'd look pure braw inna guards' uniform."

You tilt your head.


Ginger blushes again.

"Means good lookin'."

You pat her neck.

"I'll keep that in mind."

That does her in, her cheeks turning beet red as she faces forward once again. This is kind of fun, but you probably shouldn't distract her while you are still in probable danger. The two of you travel on in silence for a fair while, no sign of enemy fliers. Then Ginger stumbles into a deep drift of snow that comes up to your hips. She hisses in discomfort. You look at her in concern. Did she sprain a hoof or something?

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothin Ah cannae handle, just got me some diamond cuttas from a snow quenchin'. If'n yer feelin grateful fer yer rescue, mebbe ye can kiss 'em better once we get tae the city."

She laughs at her own joke. Maybe it's the adrenaline talking. Maybe it's the feeling of her powerful muscles moving under you. Maybe it's the musk of a working mare addling your senses.


Ginger stumbles, but catches herself before you get more than jostled.

"Wot?" She croaks. You giggle.

"Maybe I'll just twist them instead."

Ginger huffs good-naturedly.

"Yer a cruel stallion, getting a mare's hopes up like that."

You rub her neck fondly.

"Let's not get too excited out here. We can flirt more when we're not in danger."

She nods.

"Aye, fair enough."

After she climbs out of the dip in the ground, you think she might be trotting a little faster than before. You decide not to bring it up.

Unexpectedly, the two of you make it to the city without incident. Ginger agrees that something weird is going on, so she accompanies you to the palace. You have to keep an arm on her withers to steady yourself, the long ride did a number on your leg muscles. You probably should have rested, but you had to know. The imperial guards let you and Ginger pass. When Shining and Cadance see the two of you, they brighten up and hoof Flurry to Sunburst to take to another room. You frown.

"Shining, did you set me up?"

He grins.

"I'm glad we did, you two are cute together!"

You blink.


Gringer's jaw drops, even as a light blush dusts her cheeks.

"Yer really working with those grimy minks?"

Cadance clears her throat.

"To be more accurate, those so-called 'minks' work for me. They are my specialists for difficult cases."

You rock back in understanding.

"Like a ...forthright guard, or a janefilly human."

Ginger scrunches. The pink princess beams at you.

"Precisely! Special individuals require special circumstances. You were never in any true danger, and don't worry about any injuries the team suffered, I already have my best healers on the job."

Ginger relaxes slightly at that. You raise a skeptical eyebrow at Cadance.

"The breezie got in my pants and touched my dick."

Ginger's greatsword practically teleports to her mouth as she takes slow, deliberate steps towards the princess. Shining is giving his wife the stink-eye as well. Can't-dance laughs nervously.

"You will, uh, be compensated for your trauma?"

Shining levitates her up by her ear, ignoring her whimpers.

"I am going to have a long talk with you and your agents. It sounds like you all need remedial training."

They vanish in a flash of rose-colored light. Ginger is still bristling with anger, but sheathes her sword. You pat her on her withers.

"It's not fine, but it will be."

She lets out a long breath.

"When Ah get mah hooves on that..."

You rub her back as she curses the breezie to Tartarus and back. However heartwarming it is to see her so passionate in your defense, you are still really sore.

"Hey, could you escort me back to my apartment? I'm not sure if my legs will last the whole way."

She focuses on you and nods seriously.

"Of course, Anon. Ye can count on me."

You lean on her as you waddle your way back out of the palace.

"Not to mention I owe you some nipple kisses."

She stumbles, and you fall down on top of her back, laughing. Credit where credit is due, Cadance is very good at her job.