• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 22nd, 2013



Everyone has a dark side. If you take something too lightly or judge it too quickly. It can give the most deepest wounds and vengeance to them. Vengeance that can last forever..... to become too late to be cured.

When Twilight was moving to the Gates of Tartarus with Cerberus, she finds something that is gonna change her and everyone's life forever. And she learns that the friendship lesson she learnt before, had a deeper meaning to it as well.
"Never judge a book by its cover."

A/N: I thought this might/could have happened. It happens where Twilight is leading "Cerberus" to The Gates of Tartarus.
Only added character Twilight Sparkle and some other obvious characters to prevent spoilers. But things mostly happen around Twilight and Luna. That means it focuses on them as well. But perspectives and thoughts will only be Twilight's.
And keep in mind that only the first chapter includes Twilight without Luna. However, other chapters will always include Twilight and Luna together.
Positive feedback and critique is appreciated as well!
I am continuing it but I will most likely update 1 time per week. Or 2-3 if I am lucky enough.
Also thanks to:
Firefan645 for inspiring me and giving me ideas for further chapters.
FlutterDash7 for giving me suggestions and a small proof-read.
DinoManDraves for giving me a full proof-read and suggesting me the correct cover for the story.
funkyferret for some minor edits and making this story visible to others for editing. (And for the group as well.)
They are all awesome friends and I wish them further luck in writing! And, I have typed it in no-order. So, no "best" or anything.

Rated "Teen" for Romance after Chapter 1. (FlutterDash and TwiLuna shipping in this story. You have been warned.)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 25 )

Hello everyone!
This is my very own first story. I have been thinking about it for some time. But, I didn't have sufficient free time.
But, finally. I have uploaded it here.
There is a tag "Romance" in it because it will have it in future chapters. But, right now. It only has a hint.

Warning: Possible spoilers below this part.

For those of you have already read it. I thought it might be a good idea to upload this and write it.
And, yes. I know I made Celestia look like a tyrant or a troll.
If you don't want infamy of Celestia. Here is a spoiler: That is what Discord says. The next chapter is what explains many things about Celestia's behavior.
But, remember.
Many things will also be explained in future chapters as well. (Other than Celestia too.)
So, if you think this was good. Please like it.
If you dislike it. Please, tell me why.
I think this is gonna have some dislikes due to Celestia.
And, thanks again for my awesome friends who helped me make this.
Spoilers are also possible below this comment.

Im going to read this later. *read later list grew* :twilightsheepish:

um, please check your formatting, there are unwanted line breaks everywhere... :derpyderp2:

Umm..... are you referring to my attempt at line spacing?
I uploaded it for the first time. And, I couldn't find a good way to make a line spacing. So, I used "Enter"
But, sorry if it ruined it or anything. I couldn't import it successfully from GoogleDocs.
And, if that was not what you meant.
Please, let me know. And thanks for the critique.

1240330 yup, when you pressed ENTER you inadvertently cut your sentences in half....:derpyderp1:

That is my failed try at line spacing. Yeah.
Sorry, about that.
It was because, when I'm writing the words in. The panel was too small and, I thought it will be like that.
If it is a big problem.....maybe I can try to fix it? If only that panel had it's own "line spacing" option/modification.

I had to do the line spacing. Or it will turn into a wall of text. Which is infamous.

Um, I'm going to be as nice as possible about this, the spacing isn't so much an issue is as the way you structure your sentencing. There are quite a few grammatical errors. I'd like to think I'm not a grammar Nazi, I'm no English professor, but some of them are pretty extreme. Also they way you come off as describing environments and inner dialogue seems off and just a tad repetitive and unnecessary. Overall the story is interesting, and you got a a like and a star from me, just keep trying to improve and I'm sure you'll work everything out. This has got great potential :pinkiehappy:

a bit of encourgement

:yay: yay!
I am really glad that you liked the story! I will do my best to improve over time. Thanks for the critique!

And, I hope you notice that the new chapters are a bit hard update. Because, school and homeworks. Which takes time.
But, I will update it soon!

Hello! I've finally got around to making a dent on my read later list, so here I am! I'll try to post a review of your caliber shortly. But uh... What's with the strange line spacing? :rainbowhuh:

Chapter complete! Let the reviews begin! Positives or negatives first? Hmm... Let's start with what you did right.


- :yay: Probably the strongest point in this entire story is the enticing plot idea. It's an interesting twist, making Celestia the antagonist. It's original as far as I can tell and it has a ton of potential in where you can go from here.

- :yay: I had a hard time picking which side this point should go on. The pacing quality varies throughout the story. For example, the first section with Twilight and Cerberus was... Less than perfect. Although, the pacing with the Discord scene was definitely not bad.

- :yay: For the most part, the characters talked as they normally would in the actual show making the story more believable.

I'm sure there are other more subtle positives, but these are the ones that really stood out for me. Now! We must acknowledge that no story is perfect, and move on to...


- :facehoof: Oh boy... How the heck do you mess up the line spacing so badly? :rainbowlaugh: This totally interrupts the flow of the story! I always stop reading for a second when I see a new line, but since it's in the middle of a sentence, it destroys the flow that this fic would otherwise have.

- :facehoof: Where'd ya learn to use commas? The comma-overusage store? ... Nevermind. But seriously, the commas are everywhere! Normally my criticism is missing commas, but they're in this story like flies over a dead rabbit! (SIMILE MASTER!) Even in your comments, they're incorrectly used. "And, I hope you notice that the new chapters are a bit hard update. Because, school and homeworks. Which takes time. But, I will update it soon!" There should be no comma after "And", "Because", and "But". Aren't those the three words third grade teachers say to never start a sentence with?

- :facehoof: Same thing with ellipses. (The "..."s) First of all, they should really only contain three dots, not like Twilight's line which has about forty. :rainbowlaugh: Sometimes I noticed you put an ellipsis where a comma should go to. Oh, and while we're talking about Twilight's "not speaking" line. It's probably better to say "Twilight was too shocked to speak" or "Twilight was speechless" rather than "............." 'Twi didn't respond.

- :facehoof: This one isn't exactly a negative, but I personally don't think "'Twi" is a good substitute for "Twilight". Pet nicknames in general are meant for strictly dialogue. Maybe "The purple-maned unicorn" or something like that.

- :facehoof: Sentence structure. This is a big one. There is an overwhelming amount of short, choppy sentences in this story that drastically distort the flow and pacing of the story. "Cerberus wasn't even tired. It was obvious. Although, Cerberus was dumb. It was concentrated on the ball." Those sentences could be combined into one or two sentences that would flow much more smoothly.

- :facehoof: Dialogue really shouldn't be in italics.

- :facehoof: “WHAT? YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?” shouting. ... Who was shouting? This happened several times but is a simple fix.

- :facehoof: This was probably just my own incompetence, but I found the part with the demon pony to be a bit confusing. Also quite unnecessary to the plot.

- :facehoof: Dear Celestia I'm conflicted. On one hand, "Yay FlutterDash!", but the other says "Why is this even here?" I'm going to have to go with the latter. :fluttershbad::rainbowhuh: It has pretty much no effect on the plot as far as I can tell, but I suppose I'll see where you go from here.

Final Thoughts

Although the list of negatives is probably 3 times the size of the positives, I can safely say I still enjoyed this story. As I mentioned earlier, the plot is quite good. That factor alone can make this story awesome. So, I'd suggest some heavy duty editing on this chapter and re-posting it. On the topic of editing, you probably should get an editor yourself. I'll do a "Lunard Patented Rating System" review here too! :pinkiehappy: Except out of 10.

Idea - 9/10 Again, probably the best part of the story.
Pacing - 5.5/10 Sure, this chapter is 4,000 words while mine is about 1,300, but it's quality over quantity. Again, since the pacing is right in the middle for good and bad, how about a rating that's right in the middle?
Grammar/spelling - 7/10 Spelling is pretty good, but grammar could use a little work!
Overall - 6.5/10 It was an interesting read, but is by no means perfect. However, fixing the sentence structure, comma over-usage, ellipsis abuse, and some of the other aforementioned points could really put this story over the top. Of course, I'll be tracking it. Will I write another review? ... It took a while to write this one, so we'll see xD

Best of luck for future writing!

Woah thanks for the awesome feedback! My replies:

For the negative:
1. I messed it up really bad. :facehoof: I am gonna fix it before uploading Chapter 2.
2. Woah. I did not notice that I was using commas pretty bad. I am sure it is weird to see comma-over-usage. And you corrected my response and the story as well. :rainbowlaugh:
3. Hmm... I don't know why I put that up there. I was probably focusing on the idea. But, I am fixing it now.
4. I thought typing "Twilight" all the time might annoy the reader. I will fix that as well.
5. That is a big mistake to fix. But I will fix that as well.
6. Oops. Noobish me.
7. :facehoof:
8. Oh that part? It is something different I was planning to add on later to the last chapter. It is necessary to it. I know it is still confusing. But that was intentional.
9. I have thought that I should practice writing something different before and then try to write FlutterDash. I am trying to write like a "Jack of all Trades" type. Like I am writing Adventure now. But it will change to Romance, Comedy, Random and... Dark. (You don't have to read the Dark one though. It goes on like HiE but much different than the others. SPOILERS! You will be sent to an alternate dimension of Equestria rather than Equestria itself.)

For the positive:
1. It is an idea I have thought for like some weeks ago. In a quite place of course. Quite places like staying alone in home really helped me.
2. Oops. I thought the first part would be rather boring. I will fix that now.
3. I didn't know that though. I thought I was making them more out-of-character. But, at least it was positive.

And I want to thank you for giving me feedback. I am fixing them now. And soon. I will upload chapter 2 today.

EDIT: I am fixing many of them. You might want to check the part with Cerberus, line spacings and description as well. I will have them done soon.

EDIT: I have fixed many of them and I improved it. I have noticed how many mistakes I made. It is kinda like a re-write. Perhaps you can try reading it if you want to understand some things in Chapter 2 of my story as well.

Thank you A LOT for helping me! Chapter 2 will come in shortly.

Finally got here! Sorry for the long wait! Reading now.....

EDIT:Alright, I have to say after reading it twice, it was a great read. A few grammer erroers, but fine noneless. Can't wait for new chapter!

No worries about it. I will update it today because yay! weekend!
School was just interrupting me from updating.

Well, that was a very awkard, sudden, and perfectly timed moment I've read in a while. I just can't help but :rainbowlaugh: at it. I did notice that you used "thou" when Luna was talking about herself, which I can't but correct you that "thou" means "you" and "thy" means "I" or "me."

And remember to be a :raritystarry:STAR!:raritystarry:

:yay: yay
I have finally updated this story after I barely got some time. And I want to thank you all for being supportive, and I am sorry about the update because it took way too long...
And as always, any critique is appreciated! If you don't like it, please tell me why. So, I can improve my writing skills as well.

Lastly, I am sure some of you noticed that the chapter 1 has been re-written. I improved quite a lot of things in it so it is recommended to read it if you only read the old one.
I am sorry about it. You don't have to read it if you want to. But reading it again will help you understand some things.


Well, that was a very awkard, sudden, and perfectly timed moment I've read in a while. I just can't help but :rainbowlaugh: at it.

I am happy that you found it that way. I made it intentional to give the reader at least some laugh as well. I don't know if it was perfect though.

I did notice that you used "thou" when Luna was talking about herself, which I can't but correct you that "thou" means "you" and "thy" means "I" or "me."

I fixed it! Thank you a lot for it! I was having some problems with Old English.

And woah, you are fast at reading and commenting...
Thank you for reading it and commenting! :pinkiehappy:

P.S. I don't know if I am a star... I am just an amateur writer who takes a lot of time to update.

you should take a look at your summary again, it doesn't sell the story at all (at least not for me)... the only reason i'm even here is because of promised twiluna.

its a good story but GAH!!!!!MY EYES!!! formatting and other problems do you think it would be easier for you to switch to a better word editing program such as open office or Google docs/drive they make writing so much simpler. anyway that is my two cents.


1364803 1364804
I am sorry about the formatting error. But I have fixed the line spacings now.
Thanks a lot for the critiques!

Haha... spacing problems makes eye go boom. :pinkiecrazy:

Sorry about that. But is that happening even now? Then I should fix it immediately when I have the time. :facehoof: (Just a facehoof for myself.)

Mkay... You really need proof-readers and editors.

Your fic reads like a 6 year old would tell me a story. You don't discribe whats happening, you just tell us. Also Discord and Twilight are seem to be OOC from the very beginning, without giving reason why they act like that. But when I looked more into it, they aren't. You just screwed up the whole setting by your art of story telling.

I'm sorry, but without a major edit, this won't become a readable story.

I would like to point you to the 6-Stars rated stories on EQD. Or look here on FIMFIC into the big ones (50.000+ words and over 1000 upvotes). Read some of them and look how they are build. How dialogue is crafted. How a scene is crafted. And which pace is suitable for a nice flow.

Examples: It Takes a Village The Immortal Game The Games We Play


Thank you for your critique. I am so sorry for such a horrible story. I will read those and many other stories and then I will have this story edited.
I will take every critique I need.

This will be On Hiatus for 1 year, because it was a nice kickstarter story and I will make 20% better stories than this soon enough.

2806992 Coming pretty close to the end of your 1 year hiatus. Hopefully we get it soon! :pinkiehappy:

Login or register to comment