Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie get up to their usual antics once more, prompting the others to realize a long dormant part of themselves that they thought they had outgrown.
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Ponyman
Joined 11th Jul, 2011 ·
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This from a pony who spent her formative years in a Book Fort?
1238411
HEY!
Fort Book was not make believe!
It was structurally unsound and prone to rain damage. But all that could have been fixed if not for the great Bookwyrm Invasion of ought-nine.
that was pretty funny, a nice take on Pinkie and Dash's relationship, imagination made real seems like a good idea if you want to keep running with it.
This was actually pretty well-written! Keep those as-rules I sent you in mind, though. They can also be applied to other conjunctions, like 'while.' Also, in the beginning, you threw a sentence of narration in between every sentence of dialogue. It was a little jarring.
Chris, you must keep working. If you can throw something fun and cute like this together, imagine what some true dedication combined with your talent could create!
All in All, a really cute story.
The story, in and of itself, had a very cute premise. However, I was left guessing all the way to the end, and didn't really understand the story until the final line, which, I'll admit, got me to smile. This story seemed to be a perfect fit for Pinkie's and Rainbow's relationship.
Other than the misplaced comma, I honestly can't think of many grammatical errors you made. Your use of descriptive language is very good. While I thrive in dialogue and struggle with description, you master description. However, your dialogue seems a little lacking at parts, but not enough to detract from the story as a whole, which is sweet and charming.
The introduction of the spacecraft kind of threw me off. I'm not sure America exists in the Equestrian world, or why, perhaps, anythign resembling that would be in their imagination, but, hey, it's their imagination, and I'm sure Pinkie has quite the expansive one. I thought it was a very nice allusion, however, though I can see where it might detract for other readers.
The final scene kept the characters mostly within their personas. Spike was played nicely, and Twilight's doubting phase was played to perfection. One thing I would recommend, perhaps, is making her seem nicer about the ordeal. Sure, she's frustrated they didn't actually go to the moon, but ya know. I liked the comical description of their surroundings, such as the tree, and Twilight refusing to ask what happened. Imagination is a powerful thing, and this story captured the playful persona of our pastel ponies quite perfectly.
Overall: 8.5-9/10
A very nice, sweet short story.
Trey
Aw, it's a cute little story. I kept imagining them running into Wallace and Grommit.
I don't think America and Equestria are in the same world. Anyway, pretty good story over all.