that decepticon pony
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What in god's name is with that cover photo?
1236521
I don't have a working scanner and I'm not much of an artist anyway, so I attempted to kind of MS Paint Twilight's margin doodles from the first scene of the story. The text is actually the same as the book she was reading; It's something of a placeholder until I can figure out something a little nicer.
I couldn't draw big enough to do something neat with the Punett Square, but it's a little bonus for science nerds reading. :)
The sex tag is below the description, so I was scared away long before reaching it.
1236536 Wow. Well, it caught my attention, so mission accomplished... I guess your reward is a place on my read later list!
1236581
Given how skittish I can be about sexual content, I figured it was better safe than sorry. Better to lose readers who might be ok with joking about sex without showing it than to offend and traumatize people who can't even handle that.
So this was an amusing read. I actually laughed outright at some parts of chapters 2 and 3. The comedy tag definitely earned it's keep. Now to my issues:
Remove the Romance tag. There was NO romance in this story at all. No romance, no shipping, and no actual sex.
Remove the sex tag. It's only for explicit sex and this doesn't even contain sex, explicit or non-explicit.
Should be "lost interest in" or "not interested in".
Chapter 2: A major quibble: The Elements are based on Harmony, not Friendship. In "The Return of Harmony Part 2" the Elements failed only because Spike was not a true bearer. They activated for all the others even though they were Discorded and not friends at the time.
Also, I feel the whole premise pulls an idiot ball. It's a marble. She could levitate it in herself. It doesn't require an instrument.
As for personal opinions, I reject estrus among Equestrian ponies. We evolved out of it, they should have too. Or at least to the point where the effects are far less behaviorally affective.
In conclusion, as a racy comedy this was excellent, but not really a fan of the specific subject matter.
1237049
Wow! Thank you for such an in-depth criticism. I'm glad you liked the gags in last two thirds of the story, and I hope I have either an answer or a discussion for your concerns.
I would like to remove the sex tag, but I want to hear from a few more people first. I feel it is better to err on the side of caution here.
I'm not removing the romance tag without hearing it from somewhere higher up. There is some romantic weirdness with Twilight and Dash, and I would say it's definitely a ship tease.
I understand your concern about the mention of the elements in Chapter 2 and the function of them. Remember that this is Twilight and Rainbow discussing it, not my narration. They're free to speculate about how they think it works, and given that I've seen that exact hypothesis on TV tropes with a fair amount of evidence after I thought about it myself, I think it's a reasonable conclusion for Twilight to reach. The fact is that somehow, Celestia and Luna lost their connection to the elements. Ponies are going to fill in those blanks.
Your concerns about the marble are interesting because they seem to reflect a misunderstanding about the function of a marble, and I fear that misunderstanding is compounded by Twilight's compulsive response to finding out it's missing. The glass marble tricks the horse's body into thinking it's already pregnant, preventing the hormonal releases that cause estrus behavior and ovulation. This is the same principal that human hormonal birth control works on. As I understand it, neither measure takes immediate effect because some things may already have been triggered. They prevent an undesired outcome ("Pissy mare syndrome" in horses and pregnancy in humans) at some future date; they don't immediately wipe problematic hormones out of a horse's system. Indeed, you have to use other methods of birth control for the first so many weeks after starting any hormonal and some physical methods.
As for rejecting the notion that the ponies of the series have evolved out of estrus... yes and no. I personally can buy that, and when I'm not setting out to write about sex I generally would agree with you. But the fact is that many women experience increased desire around their menses (a fact you need only go browse TrollXC at reddit to discover), so maybe we haven't evolved out of it as much as you think. Either way, since the show will never address this issue, I don't feel too bad about speculating.
So, I'm very sorry that I made you uncomfortable and that some of my less obvious choices damaged your suspension of disbelief. Still, I hope the laughs you got were more than enough to make up for it, and I'm glad you gave my story the time of day. Thank you so much for your comments! I think I will amend the author's note with more details on the marble procedure at some later date... probably in a couple weeks when my own hormones bring the topic back into the foreground of my thoughts again.
1238060
Regarding the marble, the time delay issue is obviously one to consider, but it was not explicitly linked to the marble technique in fic, rather the time delay was only referenced to the herbal remedies. And it IS conceivable that the marble would begin to lessen Twilight's "symptoms" within the day and a half before the gala. I find it hard to believe that she would not have immediately self-administered the marble. Even if it did not have a significant effect withing the timeframe. I also find it hard to believe she would not notice passing the old one.
Regarding the elements, I always err on the side of canon. I do not begrudge you your deviation.
Regarding estrus, I do not mean to imply that they would evolve beyond their natural biological cycles, only that the level of impact they are having on Twi makes the functionality of Equestrian civilization doubtful.
Regarding the sex tag and the romance tag I would point you to Naked Singularity, which contains neither, despite being full of sexual references and is about Twilight writing a sensual romance novel.
Oh, and I should mention, if you enjoy the genre of erotic and/or romantic comedy to the degree I do (which I imagine you do due to having written a story in said genre), toy NEED to read Naked Singularity. it IS the best the genre has produced in the fandom to date. By leaps and bounds.
I really like how much attention you put into detailing the symptoms of a mare's estrus cycle, and how it not only affected Twilight but gave some indications as to how Equestrian society views and deals with such a thing. I could imagine Equestrians being far less skittish and outright offended about sexuality if this interpretation was the case.
Ultimately, what I find the most interesting about ponies having estrus cycles as strong as their non-sentient counterparts is that assuming that postulate ("Ponies undergo estrus cycles that have not weakened") is true, and we know that Equestrian civilization is a thing, not some barren dystopia of wanton debauchery and inability to function as a society, it leaves a very large blank explaining just how Equestria is still as...innocent seeming as it is while this is true. And I find that to be a very fascinating blank, I find it very fun to toy around and wildly speculate with.
You sir, have interested me. I'll be watching you.
Oh my god that was beautiful!
1238125
We really need to get someone who actually breeds horses to help us with this! Consider Naked Singularity in my reading list.
1239642
That is a huge gap in suspension of disbelief in my story. I sort of explained it away to myself with the idea that marbles and hormonal supplements are as ubiquitous for ponies as hormonal birth control is for us. There's also the idea that maybe not everyone gets it as strong as Twilight. What inspired this story was my own frustrations, which seem to be entirely absent most of the time and very strong once every few weeks, compared to other women I know, who are more or less always "on" to a a much weaker degree (like Rainbow Dash is in the story).
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it! I hope the lulz were sufficient.
1239651
You can thank my BBBFF for that. I was like, "How am I going to end this?" and he responded with "And Fluttershy said, 'I go somewhere private and play with my tits.'"
Pegasi call Chickadees "tits."
I think I might need a respirator!
Take all my yay's for this wonderful piece of funny.
1244607
Apparently "tits" is a European thing and "chickadees" is American. So I... had some fun with that. Thanks!
"Play with my tits?" god hilarious!
1288669
Aww man, the part of my story everyone likes the best wasn't even my idea! It was my BBBFF's! Thanks for reading.
"i go somewhere and play with my tits"
i can't breath, that desreves five spikes sir/ma'am 
Quite an interesting tale. Most excellent.