When Twilight accidentally transports Rainbow Dash to the human world, Dash is captured by a nice family who is trying to hide her from some scientists that want to study the pegasus life. Trapped in a pampered life of a family's horse pet, Rainbow Dash has all the food and shelter she needs to survive, bu it is not the way she wants to live. Equestria is calling to her and she never stops longing to go home. When she finds out her favorite Wonderbolt, Soarin has been accidentally transported to the same world by some feisty unicorn group in Canterlot, they want to go back to Equestria. But will Rainbow Dash and her new best friend ever find a way back?
Based off of the Warriors Story, The Lost Warrior
Chapters (2)
Interesting! I thought there was a Warriors series basis here, I was right! Anyways, I think it's a little too fast paced.
1235936 Agreed on the fast paceness. I love the idea and concept, however, there are other matters that bother me.
For one, the format is extremely confusion. I sometimes had difficult understanding who's speaking and when I did know, I wasn't sure on what. You might want to look at a few other writers and understand the way they write and describe their stories before trying something completely awkward and unfamaliar to your reader (I enjoy studying Harry Potter. Why? Becuase I've found that J.K Rowling is [in my opinion] a great writer because she studies books aim for a higher reading level and wrote at the level before downgrading it for a broader audience).
But my biggest issue was the confusion and the lack of answers to certian questions: How did Rainbow get there in detail? Saying that she was sent by a universe spell is a half baked answer and doesn't satsify me as a reader. In fact, you could probably make a whole chapter or two on how life was before said spell, what Twillight orginally wanted to do, and how it went wrong. For example, Halo: On the Wings of an Angel by Gyvon (here on the site) describes Twillight using one of her spells to prevent Discord from swiping the Elements so easily which required the use of Regents. However, one of the Regents given was wrong and, poof, welcome to Halo: prepare to be EXTERMINATED! ...Oh wait, wrong sci-fi
Another question: What happened when she arrived? Did she cried out in panic? Did she look for help? If so, is that how she ran into the scientists or someone who reported the her to a government offical which swiped her away?
DETAILS! Where are they? Though, I like the idea of a language barrier. You can use it as an obstacle for when so most likely will have to use the humans help to return home (if she ever does).
How did Soarin appear? He kinda of just popped out of the blue. The biggest issues I see with this great story idea is your letting the plot carry the characters around rather than the other way around. And!
(nerding you out with overwhelming critcism
) your not making clear what is going on and why certian actions may be happening. Your not even hinting at them so the reader will percieve it boring and flat because the lack curiousity needed.
Well, that's my two-bits. My two shiny.... I want them back. GIVE!
What Floppy said
1238465 Sorry, I'll fix the second part, I think I somehow knew this was going to happen, I'll fix it. Thanks for not being mean!
1236014
1240105 A pleasure. I only desire you to better yourself and your writing. That way the results will become much more sweeter.
1240741 Thanks! I'm sure if I follow your rules then I WILL become a much better writer!
1247354 Ahhhh... you flatter me too much. If you had to choose between an experienced writer (say Wanderer D or Pen Stroke) and a knowledgable writer (myself, read alot of books on writing
) then choose the experienced one. I'm trying to write something myself, but I know for a fact that I'm overthinking it. It's a bad habit.
So, again, good luck. I hope you improve, and when you do, I'll read it! And again, this is a great concept you have. Keep going!
.....
I still want my two bits back!
I am in love
with this story.
It just totally blew my mind
1270378 Thank you so much!
I love this fan fic!!!!! Please continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> Thank you so much!
I'll contiune soon. There's one more chapter left for me to finish. Thank you so much. You just made my day! 
