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RainbowPie362 stories ·861 members
Rainbow Pie194 stories ·288 members
Rainbow Dash is the bravest, most fearless pony in all of Equestria. But when she is visited by nightmares for the first time in many years, can Dash swallow her pride and seek comfort from a small pink pony and some delicious hot beverages? And is this the ideal opportunity to reveal feelings she has kept repressed for so long?
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Well, I finally plucked up the courage to submit my first proper fanfic. I'm not too sure what to say here, so it'll be a little brief
In case anyone was wondering, this isn't going to turn into some kind of grimdark nightmare related story, so you can breathe a sigh of relief (or a curse of frustration, whatever works!). Comments and feedback would be greatly appreciated, and if there are any artists out there that might want to contribute some artwork to replace my crude attempt, It would be very welcome 
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story and stay tuned for more!
You grabbed my interest. I'll be tracking. Its a bit early to give proper critique, I didn't notice many typo's and such. "Twilight's tree house, rarity's boutique and fluttershy's cottage" mainly, Fluttershy and Rarity's name without a capital letter (and maybe Boutique needs a capital letter as well).
Other then that, no obvious OOC issues (yet), proper sentence structure as far as I can tell, punctuation and grammar seem to be fine. I'll be reading and if I feel I have something useful to say I'll say it.
I like how this is going and I can't wait to see more! 5/5 and tracked
Oi! You with the face! No, not you, you! Yes, you!
MOAR.
Me gusta. Keep up the good work!
96916
Thank you! Glad to see you like it. I'll be taking your feedback on-board and double checking names from now on! Future feedback would be most welcome!
96920
Thanks, i'm glad you enjoyed it!
96941
Thank you, and rest assured 'Moar' is on the way!
96944
That I shall! Thank's for the feedback.
Hmm, yes, this intrigues me.
Little nitpick, but a lot of names and whatnot weren't capitalized. Other than that, not many spelling/grammar issues I noticed.
This is... interesting. This is getting tracked. Cant wait to see more! :D
hey Sam, it's a small world after all ^^
Tracking this, I'm very interested to see were it goes.
HEY BABY YOU LOOKING FOR SOME HOT CHOCOLATE!?
Why yes ma'am I am! where can I get this hot chocolate you speak of?
CMERE AND FOLLOW ME SWEET THANG
lolwut
dat title
Thanks again for all your feedback everyone
I forgot to mention in my initial comment a big thank you to my two proof readers/editors:
- Lostinthewriting.deviantart.com
- Kassgrein.deviantart.com
Also:
97115
Judging from your name, would you be Glenn? If so then it is indeed a small world
hmmm
:) me like
me want more
I WANT MOAR!!!!
Good start! There are some capitalization issues, as others have noted, and also some missing commas. But overall the story has a nice flow to it, and I looked forward to reading more.
97177
Moar is on the way!
97254
Thanks!
I noticed one error with Applejack's speech. The only time you use a verb then "ya fer" is with "do ya fer" those with a southern accent still say "what can I get ya" or in this case " what can I get ya sugarcube?"
Also you have Twilight say "I and a certain dragon" when politeness (not truly grammar) dictates that I or me always comes second.
I found no other major flaws, and if you need to contact me I do have an account on here. I am Not.
97381
Thanks for the feedback! I've made the changes you suggested, and I may contact you in the near future.
found one little thing: Her emotions we're having a battle this should be were
great story sofar, keep up the great work
None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear. ~Ferdinand Foch
100546
Thanks! I'll correct that mistake right away.
I'm really liking this story so far, definitely tracking it. I really like the teaching Scootaloo how to fly part, but I think when you said 20cm it was a little too specific- I found myself looking for a ruler or something around me. Also, I noticed a little Cap. thingie: "..., she saw pinkie pie hop..."
But other than that, I am really liking this story, and for a first attempt it's awesome. I still can't find it in myself to start writing a fanfiction, even though I have read countless amounts of it (I think I may have an addiction), so I applaud you. Good luck and keep on writing
Aww poor Dashy
But on the other hand, i really like this! I need more!!
Top start so far! I am really looking forward to where this is going.
A few small things though (apart from the missing capitalisations), and they are commas and periods in speech tags and whatnot.
For example: "Why should you care?” Pinkie coldly responded, “Its not like they need you anymore.”
Should be: "Why should you care?” Pinkie coldly responded. “It's not like they need you anymore.”
And: “We need to get some more ink,” He noted, “And get some winter coats from... Rarity...”
Should be: “We need to get some more ink,” he noted. “And get some winter coats from... Rarity...”
Either way, just really small things. Keep up the great work!
Lookin forward for another chapter *tacks the fanfic*! I CAN'T WAIT! Any way good story! like I said can't wait for another chapter!
I like the premise, and I will be following, but no 5/5 from me. The story seemed fairly average to me, no offense. It felt like the cliche story with sadness (although do NOT make RD commit suicide or I will call in the REA on your hide
)
Anywho, back to coherent thought. It's not a bad story by any means, and I like the idea of it. However, it seems to me that there were a lot of things that should've been explained further in this chapter (such as why does RD only check on Pinkie after her night terrors, even after she's noted that there are ponies still in Ponyville [I assume it goes with the ship part but still.]) Another thing I would've liked to see is the explanation of why RD hates being alone (I am once again assuming that it will be explained in the future and maybe give RD some huge issues with being in a relationship [that'd be a nice plot twist, actually] or something along the lines.)
But yes, all in all, pretty average, cliche, etc. Not bad though. Not bad in the slightest. I'll give it 4 here after I round up the 3.5-3.9 your story fell into.
Also, a quick read through for capitalization and other minor edits.
Keep writing!
Another story for me to follow, willingly at that!
Good job on this sir, can't wait to see more!
Good job. You gave Dash a weakness without making her OOC or insulting the reader's intellegence. Looking forward to more. And Gratz on EqD.
You for got to capitalize the first instance of "Wonderbolts".
I take issue with Dash's explanation to Scootaloo. Dash doesn't make stuff up to cover for herself. She's brush it off, but I doubt she'd spin that tale.
Also although I'm loving that Dash is training Scootaloo, and am down with her early level of progress, Scootaloo is VERY agile and acrobatic and should not crash and fall so much.
Some spelling and grammar errors throughout, I'm kind of surprised it made it past the EQD pre-readers.
Pretty good ATM; waiting for the rest.
I must concur with the general theme of others' comments: MOAR PLEEEEEZE.
Seriously though, look forward to the next chapter! =3
This is great so far. Can't wait for the rest.
117822
Thank's very much! Sorry if it's too specific, i'll have to change that; Being a bit of a war-gamer, measurements sort of become etched into my memory
I'll also get right on that cap error! Should you ever choose to write a fanfic, I wish you the best of luck!
117888
Thank you! Chapter 2 is on the way!
117897
Many thanks for the corrections, they are always much appreciated
118009
Thanks! You shouldn't have to wait too much longer now for chapter 2, since I got rid of my valve-time clock the other day
118016
No offence taken my good sir! I can understand why you think it's cliche, but I can achieve (hopefully) more character development through emotional struggles and conflict. And don't worry about Dash committing suicide: That's definitely not going to happen! I wub her too much
As for why she checks on Pinkie, it was because her nightmare has two 'themes' if you will. One is the fact that ponyville has left, but the other is that Pinkie hates her. As such, she feels she has to check on Pinkie as well to check that that part of her nightmare isn't real. And as to why she hates being alone? Rest assured, that will be revealed in future chapters.
But yeah, thank you very much for the feedback, and keep writing I shall!
118332
Thank you!
118601
More is in production as we type!
118613
Thanks very much! I shall eradicate the cap errors with balefire soon enough. I can see what you mean with regards to her ludicrous tale of gallantry, but I thought it'd seem more Dash-like for her to try and brag her way out of a tight situation. I made Scootaloo slightly clumsy just because I'd think it would be pretty hard having to control two wings independently and flap them both at the right speed and direction. I also imagined she'd be pretty excited and nervous; liable to make mistakes.
118755
I'll have to go over it again and spell check methinks
Glad you like it though!
118860
Moar will be heading your way soon!
119207
Thanks!
good fic, tracking for more updates.
I ran the 'fic by my sleep deprived brain and hopefully I've corrected all the spelling errors.
119340
Thank you!
I'm not going to lie, I normally don't read shipping fanfictions put this one seems VERY well written. Can't wait for the next chapter
120849
Thank you
The next chapter should be out soon, but this week's exams are slowing my writing progress to a crawl. However, next week it'll be full steam ahead!
Also, I'd like to thank:
http://fbslyunfbs.deviantart.com
For drawing fanart of my story. This alone made my week, but they then took on my request and made a cover image which *should* be online (If it isn't, it should be soon). If you have the time, check them out, if only for the drawing of 'nightmare' Pinkie Pie
Well, I wish I had more to say, but this story is turning out to be really good! There could be some debate as to whether or not Dashie is being OOC or not, and for the same reason for both. She's the Element of Loyalty. One one hoof, she would be loyal to the thought that her friends would never abandon her, but on the other hoof, perhaps that's part of what drives/drove her to be so loyal to begin with: because she herself was abandoned at some point, and, not wanting anypony else to have to feel that, drives her to be so loyal herself. But that's just speculation. Still, I look forward to see how you describe and explain everything, so...
~ Moonstone, Minstrel of Equestria
124446
Thank you! All will be explained in future chapters. Glad you like it!
I finally got around to read your story and I like it so fare. I love how dash is teaching Scootaloo how to fly. I love hearing Story's about Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash for some reasons it always catch my interest. Well any I be track your story now. Keep up the good work.
144150 Thank you very much!
Love this story so far! Very well-written. Looking forward to the next chapters!
177254 Thank you! You wont have long to wait now - chapter 2 is in the hands of my pre-readers.
Alright! Update time :D
Well, it's finally here and I cannot apologise enough for making you all wait so long. Other things I guess I should add is that writer's block is a B-word, exams are a B-word and bunp is a B-word - It starts with a 'b' after-all. Chapter 3 is well underway and shouldn't take anywhere near as long as chapter 2.
Finally, please enjoy.
P.S. A huge shout out to:
-Kassgrein.deviantart.com
-Lostinthewriting.deviantart.com
For pre-reading once again. They sift through the eye-meltingly awful unedited text so you don't have to.
Wow, I had forgotten about this story, I am sooo glad you didn't though! Keep up the good work!
229009 Thank you!
229017 Have some wub
@Kommunist Kensei
Well worth the wait. Great job.
229237 Thank you very much, both for the compliment and your patience
And so Dash is having to deal with coming to terms with her orientation.
The faceless pony thing was kind of creepy though... 
229326 Sorry about that, hope they weren't too creepy.