Luna, Equestria's oldest Alicorn

by Prince Polaris

Falling asleep one last time

With as much time as he spent in the hospital, Hickory had gotten used to the sad expressions. He could see it on everypony that walked into his room, some sort of deep sadness that not many of them could even try to hide. He was aware that something was deeply wrong with him, but nopony had ever given him the entire explanation.

All he knew was exhaustion. The 15 year old colt didn't look too bad, on the outside. He was a bit skinny, but his light brown coat and his dark brown mane and tail looked healthy enough. He had no cutie mark, his teeth were in good shape, and his dark purple eyes were beautiful despite the weariness swirling deep within them. His smallish wings stayed folded at his sides, gently preened by one of the nurses whenever they got too ruffled.

Hickory was sick, and he'd been sick for as long as he could remember. Some colts spent every summer or every winter in a vacation home, or a private school, or a summer camp, but Hickory's life had alternated between the orphanage and the hospital. He actually enjoyed it, in a way. The hospital was always fun to explore, there were elevators to ride, a piano in the lobby to listen to, interesting ponies of all kinds to talk to, and his teachers and his guardian visited pretty often.

For about a year, Hickory had been living at the Canterlot hospital. At first, it'd just been a normal visit. Taking tests, monitoring him, examinations, all things he was used to. But at some point, he'd started to get worse, and he ended up staying in his bed most of the time, hooked up to machines that whirred and hummed to either side of him.

For a while, his teacher had come to see him once a week, going over his lessons with him. She was a nice mare, and she was always extra patient and gentle with him, which he was thankful for. He'd had a much worse teacher in the past, so he was even more thankful for her. On one of her visits, after talking to the doctor, she gave Hickory the tightest hug she'd ever given him, and then she left.

He didn't realize for about a month that she wasn't coming back. He'd asked his nurse about it, but the mare never had answers for him. His guardian, the stallion who ran the orphanage, he would visit once a month, checking up on Hickory. Whenever he did come, he'd sit with the colt and talk to him for a while, giving him updates on who'd been adopted and who was new. Hickory didn't really spend much time with the other ponies back home, but he was always glad to hear that someone had found a home.

Still, things didn't improve. At some point, he'd been too tired to go exploring the hospital, and eventually that led to always staying in his bed. He'd felt guilty at first for having to be carried to the bathroom, but he did his best to comply with everything, and he always managed to eat the food they gave him. Yesterday, they took away his machines. They told him that he wouldn't need them anymore, and at first he worried, but the silence they left behind was worth it to him.

Tonight, the weather was perfect. The sky was clear, and the moon and stars shone into the room past the open curtains. It took a lot of effort, but Hickory managed to slowly roll over onto his side, grunting softly with the effort it took. He laid his head on his pillow, wriggled to get comfortable, then he smiled a little as he looked out to the moon. It was beautiful, and Hickory wouldn't even remember closing his eyes and falling asleep, surrounded by the quiet of the hospital instead of the humming of machines.

✩｡:*•.──────────.•*:｡✩

At the same time, Luna was drifting through the dream world. In the dream world, time moved differently. When Luna fell asleep, she left her body behind to drift through the land of dreams, and time outside halted. It drained her strength to enter dreams, but once she was inside of a dream, she could spend one minute or one century there, and time outside would flow the same way.

It could be dangerous, in a way. If she entered the dream of a young pony and stayed there for years, they would age in their dreams, but wake up in their original body, causing a variety of problems. Sometimes, with older ponies, Luna might spend a lot of time with them if she felt like it. It was selfish, but sometimes she would take a pony as her lover in the dream world, but erase their memories on the way out so they wouldn't remember it.

And sometimes, she would live the rest of a pony's life with them. Her talents were limited, but Luna was able to read into a pony's real life surroundings, and see partway into their memories. If she happened to find a shadowy dream belonging to an elderly pony who was nearing the end, Luna would often join their dream, just to travel down the dusty roads of their memories with them. Old ponies loved to tell stories about their past, and in the dream world, Luna was able to live those memories alongside them, gaining insights into the world she'd missed while she was trapped on the moon.

Sure, she was only able to see into the past century or so while she had missed a thousand years in total, but so much had happened in that time that she didn't mind it. Her favorite kind of old pony to talk to were ponies who had traveled Equestria in their youth, because she got to see the changing landscapes through their eyes. Ponyville and other small towns had stayed roughly the same over the centuries, but places like Manehattan and Baltimare and Canterlot (to a degree) had seen explosions of technology, roads cropping up for ponies to drive on while radio towers were replaced with cell towers and then satellite dishes. Ever since Luna had learned about Tanks, she wondered why nopony ever tried to use one of them to stop King Sombra, but most of the doomsday scenarios that had played out ever since her return had been of a magical nature. There wasn't a tank in the world that could put a stop to discord, after all.

In Equestria, it was rare for a filly or colt to die young. Equestria's hospitals treated everypony, regardless of how many bits they had or how liked or disliked or famous or infamous they were. Between that and the Tree of Harmony doing its best to subtlety protect its ponies, nearly everyone got the chance to grow old and see other ponies walking along the roads of their own lives.

But sometimes the stars aligned, or perhaps they refused to align, and somepony would leave everypony else behind before they even got their cutie mark. When Luna drifted past a sickened, fragile dream, she looked towards it with a saddened frown, then her eyes opened wide when she noticed that the pony it belonged to was just a colt.

Without hesitation, Luna dove into the dream, flying down over the dark skies of canterlot as she assessed where she was. Now that she was in the dream, she sent her magic out, learning about the pony who was having it. His name was Hickory, he was in the canterlot hospital on the 20th floor, and he'd been there for a long time. She felt even worse for the little colt as she learned what a sorry state he was in, and when she began to home in on him, she began to look worried. She could tell if she was inside of a nightmare, and this didn't feel like one, but then why was he on the edge of the hospital roof? Luna silently landed behind the colt, a frown on her face as she looked at him.

✩｡:*•.──────────.•*:｡✩

When Hickory "woke up", he didn't even realize he was dreaming. He simply opened his eyes, and he smiled as he spotted the moon through the window. He took a deep breath, stretched a little, and his eyes went open wide as he felt strength in his limbs. It'd been so long since Hickory had been his usual "just kinda tired" self that he wasn't used to feeling okay anymore.

But he didn't just feel okay, he felt great! He grinned widely as he jumped off of his bed, and he ran out into the hospital. Being nighttime, he didn't want to bother anypony, so instead he went to the elevator. Taking it all the way onto the roof, Hickory walked out into the night air, taking a deep breath. He let out an excited, squeaky little "I-I'm all better~!" as he pranced in a circle, then he walked towards the edge of the roof. Still smiling, Hickory carefully sat down on the smooth bricks, a spot that he hadn't been to in a long time. "I-I cant believe it..." he said in a soft voice, looking up at the sky.

✩｡:*•.──────────.•*:｡✩

Luna quickly realized that Hickory wasn't there to hurt himself. He'd ran up here after "waking up" in his bed, and it broke her heart to look down at the little colt. To Luna, dreams like his were the most painful to visit. Not because it was difficult to enter the dream, or because she had to fight some sort of monster, but because of how... sad they were.

In the dream world, Luna was used to ponies fulfilling their dreams. Driving the fastest cars, flying the largest planes, braving storms at sea, marrying the pony they love, becoming mayor of their town, joining the royal guard or wonderbolts, exploring outer space. The sky was no limit in the dream world, and yet...

...There were ponies like Hickory. Ponies who only ever knew what it was like to be sick. Their dreams didn't have any racecars or spaceships, their dreams were only that they woke up one day and were healed. That was it. Hickory's dream was only that he woke up and didn't feel tired anymore, and the idea of that tripped something inside of Luna.

Examining his memories again, Luna could tell that Hickory didn't have any time left. They'd taken away the machines, not because he was better, but to allow him to pass away in silence, without the annoying sounds of the machines that had struggled to keep him alive for so long. She didn't approve of lying to foals, but sometimes, she could see why somepony would.

In that moment, as she silently watched the colt from behind, Luna decided to stay. Not for the night, but for the rest of Hickory's life. The flow of time in the dream world meant that she could spend a lifetime with Hickory in the span of a real life heartbeat. Until Luna left Hickory's dream, time was frozen, and the colt could continue living totally unaware that his body was a mere hour from finally giving up.

As she walked up behind Hickory, Luna couldn't help but smile a little bit. She hadn't chanced onto such a pony since her time before being banished, and in some ways, she was excited to do it again. Hickory wasn't the first pony she would grant with a full life, and he wouldn't be the last. Luna had lived many lifetimes in the dream world, and in that sense, she was much, much older than Celestia.

"Hey there, Hickory..." Luna quietly said, a smile on her face as she slowly sat down next to the colt. He squeaked a little, stumbling back from the edge of the roof with a wide-eyed expression, but his grin came right back once he realized he was looking at one of the former Princesses.

Stumbling to his hooves, Hickory saluted the blue mare, saying, "H-Hi, Luna!" with that same grin of his. The alicorn giggled a little, touching a hoof to her snout as she smiled back at him.

"You don't have to salute me, you know..." She said, letting her grin widen just slightly until it almost resembled a smirk. She then giggled when Hickory's cheeks began to redden, the colt quickly putting his hoof back down.

"O-Oh, sorry, I uh, I dunno what to do when you see a princess..." he said, sheepishly running a hoof through his mane.

"Well, you do whatever you want, really... though I suppose I'd recommend against throwing things" Luna said, remembering how often ponies would instinctively throw whatever they were holding in her direction if she happened to startle them.

"Oh, well, I got nothin' to throw at ya..." Hickory said, pawing at the roof. Luna's magic wrapped around him, and she slowly lifted the colt onto her back, setting him down in just the right spot so he could put his front hooves around her neck.

Luna smiled, looking back at the colt, and she finally asked the question she'd been planning to ask; "You're better now, and I've been watching you... how would you like to live with me at the castle?"

Author's Note:

^{haven't cried yet but it's gonna happen}

Also, I was gonna write the whole thing and then publish it, but I'm gonna be busy soon, so why not publish the first chapter and see what people think?

And if any of y'all have some ideas for this concept, I'd be glad to hear em :)

Edit: You know, I'm gonna leave this story as-is. If I write more, it'll be a sequel, a seperate story, that kinda thing. I just can't think of what to write in addition to this that would improve on the concept...

I dunno, maybe I don't trust myself to create a second chapter that's as good as this one, heh

Thank all of you guys for readin' my dumb lil stories

Comments

[McDufus_456]

It’s beautiful, and hits right in the feels. Excellent work.

[AJOKitty]

This sounds interesting.

[wonderkid125]

Ooof... that one hurt

I like the idea of Luna being able to give someone a whole life in dream form, though I imagine that has to be hard on her as well. Getting to know someone so closely, only to constantly lie to them just to give them one last bit of happiness. Or maybe she tells some of them? Then again, maybe it's for the best if they don't know. I feel like Hickory in particular wouldn't want Luna to continue if he knew.

And what happens when this dream has to inevitably end? Will Luna even want it to end, or will she be tempted to stay just to prolong the tragic conclusion? I suppose that's up for you to decide. I can see this going a few ways, and none of them are going to be good on the old heartstrings

[nightshroud96]

Well this caught my eye.
And already beautiful.

[mina0fficial]

This story is gonna be the one to make me cry, I swear -

[Princess Lulu]

This is an interesting concept for sure. In a way it makes me think of how even if you were immortal you would still only have 24 hours in a day. But instead, Luna is immortal and can live lifetimes in the blink of an eye. Also I can't even imagine living lifetimes with sick ponies when they're about to die. Luna is practically infinitely old if she does this often. Anyways, definitely looking forward to more, and while I am a bit interested in Hickory, I really wanna see what else this alternate Luna gets up to or if Twilight or somepony is going to 'discover' that Luna has lived countless lifetimes.

[Fujimi200SX]

Oh screw me... the worst part about being a writer and reading other stories, Is that they can give you ideas for the story you are writing. Sometimes that's good... but sometimes It's bad. Like this. Because thinking about this story, has now made me stupid sad. And now I'm daydreaming of sad scenes... damn...

[kingdusk]

This reminds me so much of spiritfarer, and of Stanley from it, this is sure to make me shed tears if so

[Teraunce]

interesting setup? Check!
Good Writing? Check!
About to make me cry already? Double Check!
Time to track this and cry lots. Also pause briefly to mention this is on the featured box.

[Crescent Nebula]

I can’t continue reading this as it’s gonna be so sad , I just want happy endings you know glorious happy endings

[ponybird21]

Oh this is beautiful, and I am very much looking forward to this! Wow...

[AHeater]

10867008
Well maybe there will be a happy ending. Dying old and happy sounds pretty good, and he's on the dream-track to that ending.

[Lunarist Screeching]

i would read this if i could but the story looks excellent!

[Lysander Shadowheart]

This is a sad story, but God is the concept not beautiful...

This first chapter and the potential this story has as a whole is massive.
I will most certainly be keeping an eye on this story. Great work so far Prince Polaris, I look forward to seeing how all this will play out.

[Prince Polaris]

10867382

Thank you!! I've got some ideas, I just need to figure out a good order for 'em...

10867268

The poor guy's dealt with enough, he won't be having a bad time anymore c:

10867008

There'll be one!! Sort of...

10866989

oh yeah well I'm gonna cry even more while writing it

10866917

I get ideas from all sorts of things, heh, a lot of them from music

10866909

I like to think that it's rare for somepony to die from getting sick or injured, but with as old as she is, Hickory isn't even close to her first...

10866846

It won't be the first thing I write that has me cry but it's probably gonna involve a lot more tears than anything else

10866703

I like to think that when Luna 'wakes up', as with any other dream, she forgets a lot of it... like, she won't forget everything, I figure she knows the names of all the ponies she spent such long times with in the dream world, ya know?

And I don't know how she would end it just yet... does she tell them? After living 70ish years in a dream, the news that it's all been a dream might be surprising, but it's the memories that count, the experiences, if you boop someone's nose in real life and then you boop someone's nose in your dreams, what's the difference if the nose boop feels the same?

10866686

Thank you <3

[Wing]

As they say, right in the feels.

[link4]

[Thatguywiththeface]

Oh I can tell this is gonna hit hard. Definitely a contender for my best of the best folder.

[August]

I love to see how authors approach Luna's dreamwalking. The experiences might be "fake", but the memories and emotions are real.

[Derpmeister]

I don't usually enjoy sad stories, but this one just hits different, Luna's willing to spend an entire lifetime with this poor colt just so he can grow up, even if only in his own mind

[EdBecerra]

I recall another story that made me feel this way, one where a magical flu was wreaking havoc on Equestria, and a person aiding them had to help Luna with the painful duty of watching the dreams of the young fade away like soap bubbles, only to face another incoming wave of children destined to die...

This was a wonderful story, but as painful as walking through a children's cancer ward. :(

[Prince Polaris]

10867763

EXACTLY! :D

10867772

Just coming up with the concept was so saddening that I couldn't resist making it real

10867861

Noooooo, that visual of the dream bubbles popping is AWFUL

[EdBecerra]

10867878
Prince - I'll go through my saved stories and see if I can't find it. It's a damned good series of stories, but that specific side story was heart-breaking.

Trouble is, I have over 150 pages of saved stories... a good problem to have, mind you, but still a problem...

[EdBecerra]

10867878
Prince - It's part of the Xenophilia series, specifically Xenophilia: The Blank Plague. Chapter 3.

And it hurts like hell to read. I can't imagine what it was like for the author to write it.

"Those little colts, those beautiful fillies... They will never wake again. And I cannot help them. All I can do is give them one last bright, sunny day, to play together and make friends. They can share their end together and never know."

God damn it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/121432/3/xenophilia-the-blank-plague/chapter-3

[Hamburgertime]

It's a terrible day for rain...

[Selene Bright]

Wish it was a bit longer.

Also, maybe a follow-up?

[Prince Polaris]

10867898

Damn, that concept isn't far off from mine, but somehow it's even worse, giving them just one last day before their unknowing demise...

10868138

well joke's on you sucker I'm working on chapter 2

(jk ily <3)

[Prysmkitsune]

I'm actualy happy this just has the one chapter because we don't need to see the life she gives the little colt, we know it will be one of joy and contentment, a colt like hickory doesnt yern for adventure or fame he just wants to go home and to live a normal everyday life...to go to school, to learn, to grow up and maybe find a mate of his own someday

we don't need to see any of that for us to feel the sorrow and even the joy here, luna is giving this colt something that im sure every parant whos child was taken too soon wishes they could give them, even if its only within the space of a dream shes giving him the life that cruel fate denied him, and that is a thing worth more then all the money in the world

[Nethiri]

That... concept...
I rarely have a story that I read with is so obviously sad, yet... hopefully?... as well...
I look forward reading it! Yet... I have a feeling this story is warranted by something other than an idea.
I... I don't know what to say, and I am sorry. All I do know is to hope, that while unlikely, everyone who finds him/herself in such a situation will have Luna guiding them through it. Giving them a life worth living. Even when in dreams.
Please continue! It may be both important for you, and others.
If properly executed... thank you... and I have the utmost respect for you picking such a topic, and being willing to write about it.

[DragonOfTheDesert]

Sometimes I wish the show had a more mature rating so it could properly address subjects like this...well, that is what fanfiction is therefore, after all. It also gives a more sadder and understandable note to Luna's exhaustion after her night of dreamwalking. Had this been a concept in the show, it would have been wonderful to see Celestia and Luna talk about it (perhaps you could write a piece about that?).

I have but two criticisms. One, Luna's actions of taking ponies as her lover and then erasing their memories...such actions are a bit beyond selfish. Then again, she also turned into a day-denying monster because most ponies dared to sleep at night.

The much greater criticism, however, is there is too much show and not enough tell. You tell the reader about Hickory's condition. You tell us about Luna's actions for the dying. You tell us that this makes Luna feel far older than she is. In fact, you just tell us Luna's feelings in general. You tell us the colt has an hour left to live. These things lose some of their impact (as cliche as it would be to reveal such things at the end of a story, but that is a cliche that can works quite well). You are clearly capable of showing, as you did when showing Hickory is an orphan. I just wish you had done that more.

Bar these, however, this is a great story, especially of short fanfiction (which I tend to prefer anyway).

Finally, I am no fan of lying to anyone, especially children (especially about the real world - the sooner they know of it, the better, it certainly benefited me that I was not patronized in that manner). I especially hate lying if it is to 'spare someone's feelings' or to hide the truth of a situation or event because the truth hurts. However, even I can admit, that, even in such a fantastical version such as this, it is a justifiable situation for such a baring of false witness.

[Prince Polaris]

10868936

You're right, honestly... if I write any more on this, I'll do it as a seperate story, a sequel, not everything has to be a massive story with 10 chapters, that's why so many of mine are unfinished! D:

And sometimes it's better to give people a runway for which their thoughts and imagination can take flight, rather than attempt to herd them onto a plane once they get to the runway....

10869319

I hope you like it!! c:

10869417

A more mature version of MLP would be awesome, a new series actually aimed at the oh-so-infamous bronies... And when it comes to Tia and Luna talking about it, you mean like, another short story where Luna decides to tell Tia about what she does in the dream world? Heh, maybe it could be set after the episode where Starlight swapped their jobs...

And about the criticisms, (thank you by the way, it helps me improve uwu), on the first one, the way I kinda thought about it was like... if Luna happens onto a wet dream, starring herself, she might take dream luna's place, but in exchange for uh... bedding the actual luna, she makes sure it's one of those dreams that you've forgotten by the time you get out of bed, ya know?

And the second one, oh boy. I guess I'm kinda new to writing actual stories? You'd think I would know what I was doing, considering the towering stacks of books I read in the past, but I'm not so sure...

One problem is that most of my pony writing is done in the form of third-person roleplaying on discord, kinda like DND but without any of the game mechanics? It's way closer to "collaborative storywriting" than "nuzzles you uwu", but the issue with this is that when I try to write a story, sometimes I find myself writing what is essentially a really long RP post.

Like, it's kind of a different world, I guess. In the RPs, I'm generally the person steering things like the setting and atmosphere and the storyline, so I kind of write things for the sake of guiding people through the story we've planned? We'll come up with plans, and then I try to make those plans happen, I guess.

Where I'm trying to go with this is that I'm not really sure how to un-learn my habit of... just telling everthing to everyone. Is it cause I'm Autistic? Or cause I'm worried I'll forget things if I don't make them obvious? Or am I used to making anything important really obvious so that other people (in a roleplay) can grab onto those hints and use them in their own posts?

I don't know! D:

And on the last point, it's an interesting dillema... do you tell the pony that their entire life has just been a dream? Like, if someone was to come out of the sky and tell me that my life has been a dream so far and I'm actually a 12 year old kid near death in a hospital, I don't even know how I'd react.

Well, I'd probably tell them to send me to Equestria instead of this lame ass planet, first off, but still. And yet, keeping the truth from them has to be hard! After all, Luna's going to have to decide when to let their dream end. I'm guessing she would pay attention for the signs that they're happy with the life they've lived, real or not, and she might just let them exit the dream while they're asleep in the dream itself, and then they pass on, but the whole situation sounds like a huge web of questions without clear answers!

Anyway, thank you a ton for the big ol comment, and sorry about uh, rambling so much in response <3

[Prysmkitsune]

10869562

A more mature version of MLP would be awesome

yes yes it would be, its a long standing dream of mine that one day hasbro would absolutely loose there god damned minds and make ashes of Equestria a real thing (an alternative name for Fallout Equestria that only requires one of two copyright holders to agree to allow it!)

[Saphroneth]

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower.
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

[Lysander Shadowheart]

A follow-up comment: I was checking up on this story, given its changed status from incomplete with one chapter, to complete status with still only one chapter.

Given the reason for the change, I have to agree, I think Polaris is right to leave this story with this one chapter and perhaps then write a sequel.

I look forward to seeing how that will proceed, I will keep eye out for it.

[Alondro]

"You know the old saying 'an hour of life is still life'." -Schindler's List

[Prince Polaris]

10869715

On one hand, that would be fucking awesome.

But on the other hoof, NOOOO I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE PIP AND HOMAGE SPLIT UP AGAIN AND I'M GONNA CRY AAAAAAAAA^AAAAAAAAAAAA

10869848

Thank you! When it comes to sequels, I had like... three ideas?

Idea #1 would be just kinda writing each chapter as an insight into important landmarks, like... Hickory learning to fly, graduating from school, marrying luna (if I decide to ship them?), that kind of thing.

Idea #2 was similar, but it would go by decade. Like, a chapter of what he's doing at age 20, then 30, then 40, I dunno, it sounds dumb when I write it down....

Idea #3 was gonna be from the perspective of Hickory's final day in the dream, where perhaps he either realizes he's dreaming, or Luna admits it to him, and they just sit together in bed and talk about his past, taking a trip down memory lane in the form of little flashbacks and scenes of important memories, kind of like idea #1 but put together into a bigger story?

#3 is the one I was gonna go with, but I just kinda had writer's block and I gave up >_<

[Prysmkitsune]

10870674
Yeah that was a heartbreaking scene but no imagine if they did project Horizons or Celestia above forbid murky number seven

[link4]

still featured. lookin good!

[Teraunce]

10870674
Don't give up. You have an excellent start here. Heck it's so excellent it is still featured. #1 sounds the best with him slowly realizing he's not actually awake and this is all a dream with the end being number 3.

[The Bricklayer]

Seriously sobbing now, damn you.

[Prince Polaris]

10871427

Well, not featured anymore :(

But I'm glad it was!!

And now that I'm thinking of it, it would be interesting if Hickory learns he's living a dream early on, cause then... the gig is up for a normal dream, you know? Like, they could go do all sorts of stuff in the event he figures out he's dreaming, one day they could be playing "real" mariokart and the next day they're playing soccer on the moon, I dunno

There's a lot you can do with the concept in the event he learns it's a dream, heh

10871729

:3c

[Winter Eclipse]

Leave it as is. No sequel, no additional chapter, nothing. To do more would honestly be a disservice to what you had done, it's perfect the way it is.

[Prince Polaris]

10873331

Ye c:

Thank <3

[borgvicugna]

A lifetime one heartbeat to the next...sad, but can't help think that Luna is a source of great Joy in hickory's new life. ^°U^°

[Prince Polaris]

10951566

Ye

cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/233034867263143937/880283978576330762/759508030436933673.png

[Indigo Storyheart]

Sequel please!

[CoyoteXray]

Unusual story. I'm probably going to have to reread it again to get the full effect.

[Prince Polaris]

10964819

Hmmmmm, what would it even be about?

11174090

it a sad, but also a happ

[Prince Polaris]

fixing typos is really hard when there's all of these onions in the room

[D-F]

wait, they just... plugged the plug on him without any warning? no talk or anything? christ...