Dusk Shine tries to fix a problem with the Fix-It Spell and learns more than expected.
Part of the Pride and Positivity 2021 Event
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 9th Dec, 2020
- offline last seen January 6th
Pegysus
Hello! I write stories and never finish them. Hope you enjoy whatever
Pegysus
Joined 9th Dec, 2020 ·
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Congrats on defeating your completionists block ^^. Review coming later.
Great job! The premise was interesting, and it was largely handled well. There are some bits where I think a trans sensitivity reader would have recommended different wording, but time travel where the pre and post-transition versions of a character meet doesn't make for easy wording.
I also appreciate the inclusion of poly Mane Six and especially the RariTwi focus!
10865450
Thanks! I tend to not pull my punches when some people have felt those exact feelings and need to know that they're not alone. Internal Transphobia sucks big butt and it's not something you can just ask to go away
This is a rather intriguing concept.
Great story though it seems like it has a lot of potential for a sequel
10865610
I did think about writing an epilogue but I may not, depends on how I feel
I like it all, except for this line:
“Yeah, she’s just having a moment since the author didn’t know what to do with her.”
I recommend either figuring out what to do with Rarity, or pretending she doesn't exist as soon as she isn't relevant.
10865625
Yeah, I had nothing when I wrote her so I just decided to keep that on purpose. It may not be funny to you, but it's VERY funny to me
10865671
Oh, it was funny, on that we agree.
I just think it takes me out of the story, given that there is no other fourth wall breaking and the story is not a comedy.
10865672
Fair statement. I'll make sure not to do that in any of my other stories.
Fantastic
“It’s me... or is it ‘it’s you but a colt’?” Dusk answered.
What, Twi missed opportunity to fix a grammar mistake? "It is I", you dolt."
A little hard to read in places, but overall a good story. Being closet Trans, the thought of meeting a future version of myself that not only "fits" but is excelling is pure wish fulfillment; a reaffirmed that my thoughts and feelings are legit, and not just fantasy.
A sequel, perhaps even a small one, where the now christened Twilight has to justify staying Twilight to her family would make for a very interesting read indeed.
Either way, good job!
10865618
It's all up to you great story either way
Exactly how I felt as a kid, secretly trying on my mother's shoes because I wanted 'girly' shoes myself. xD
For the love of all the fluffy bunnies out there, don't ever do that. Even in comedy fiction, it is so overused, it's not really funny.
If you don't know what to do with a character, general rule is to ignore them until they are relevant or make them seem like a background character, having them do something unrelated while you focus on the main characters in the scene. What also works is having the acting character, well... interact with them but don't have the 'inactive' character have any spoken lines, somewhat like Twilight cuddling with Rarity while explaining things to her younger self and allude to that in a few lines here and there.
Aside from that, I very much enjoyed the read. Could use a tiny bit of polishing, but that's only a minor issue for me, to be honest. Good job! :3
10868426
Maybe an Epilogue at best but that depends on whether I get the inspiration to do it
This fic is a nice concept, suited well to what a trans fic about Twilight Sparkle would be like. I just wish it was more polished, since it has a lot of grammar mistakes and inconsistencies between past and present tense. If you don't already do that, you should really give each chapter you write at least one more read-through after you finish writing to iron out mistakes.
I'm just wondering after reading this story. Would there be anything like an epilogue to this? It's a really good one. So I would like to maybe see more. :)
YAY TWIDASH
This was pretty cool and well this story was great thanks
