• Member Since 29th Oct, 2020
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

JimmySlimmy


The hoes call me the B-1 Lancer because I offer unimpressive low-level penetration but possess a world-class rear-aspect sight picture.

T

What do you get when you combine an empty Ponyville library, government cost cutting on strongbox locks, and a particularly mischievous unicorn? Sweetie Belle with a top-secret list of military tele-spell network addresses.

What do you get when you combine three clever fillies with terrible official password discipline? The Cutie Mark Crusaders with access to the central strategic armaments computer.

What do you get when you combine two-factor activation with a tremendously short-sighted and very arrogant Celestia? Nothing good.


Takes place in the same universe as, and is set immediately after (but isn't "canon" to), Fluttershy: Royal Game Warden (?). You don't need to read that one. You should, because it's a Certified Hood Classic, but you don't have to.

Death and Violence tags are general. No blood and guts, but if you're faint of heart, there's an intentionally squicky sequence that probably hits a lot harder if one has a fear of hypodermic needles, so be aware.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 48 )

At last, a good look at this world's Celestia. And she's just as bad as I feared. Between her handling of Twilight's wings and Luna's everything, a coup would not be unwelcome. (On that note, shame on Dash and Fluttershy for not making sure their friend knew even the first thing about wing hygiene.)

In any case, hilarious cascading disaster. I do love a good Crusader catastrophe, and this was very good indeed.

Ri2

Wait, so Celestia gave Twilight a box full of important codes and a letter of explanation...but Twilight never bothered to read what they were?

Ah, I appreciate a good CMC disaster

I must say, that was rather less destructive than I was expecting

10864844

Give it a few seconds, this one's more of a slow burn.

Hah, I actually just re-watched WarGames a few weeks ago, so I guess I was well prepared for this one.

Excellent use of jargon and ponified technobabble. Loved every bit of it.

Scotaloo is THAT friend, ain't she? They are getting grounded for a long, long while that's for sure.

“No, I, ugh.” She sighed, taking a moment to compose herself. “No, it’s f-fine. Just, uh–” she tapped a forehoof in thought, trying to think of an appropriate descriptor. “Just, if you ever find yourself in a Canterlot alleyway and some mare tells you she’s got something that can make you work twice as fast, say no, okay?” She turned to the fillies. “Just promise me you’ll say no, okay?”

Is twilight on meth

10864814
"Let us hope you never have to open these, dear student." - Celestia, assuming Twilight already knows what's in them.
"Okay!" - Twilight, who hears "don't open these ever."
10864912
I never really like real world hard drugs in Equestrian settings, so just assume it's some sort of quasi-magical analogue to various types of go-pills. I always liked Estee's "Exam Crystals," which are appropriately scary in their consequences while being very much an Equestrian thing rather than a people drug.

Ri2

10864944
How could Twilight know what's in them if Celestia never said?

10864951
Assumption based on, to her, obvious context clues. It's like if one of the sunglasses adorned Secret Service dudes handed you the big leather suitcase that goes around with the President. You might not know what's specifically inside the football, but you know what's basically inside it. Of course, that relies on an underlying basic knowledge of what, like, nuclear weapons (or the Equestrian equivalent) are, which, unfortunately, Celestia never bothered to tell Twilight anything about, assuming her nosy student already knew. She would, mind you, except for that whole pesky "security clearance" thing. Oops.

:applecry:...A Haunting Tale...:applecry:

This was a thing. Did I like it? Yes. It was rather sad - which I appreciate. Its rather haunting really...oh...and screw Celestia.

:trollestia:....On The Celestial And "Divine"......:trollestia:

In truth Celestia even when she is benevolent and kind. To me...is like this. A rather callous character that wants things to be where she understands them.

Because even though this is fiction. I always question why you need a immortal ruler or...really any form of inequaitys?

Like, your immortal and what is your system of government? Just because something work's does not mean it can not be...better.

Further....who's to say there is not another way to turn the sun? Or moon? Now mortals can or could come up with a solution.

...A Question?...:twilightblush:

Im curious do you have any thoughts on a fiction with Luna?

Thanks for this fic. Have A Good Afternoon.

10865003
A fic with Luna, you say? Check the linked story in the description.

:twilightoops: Who designed the bunker ? It looks and smells like a Prench horsehouse!
:raritystarry: Twilight?
:moustache: I'm just helping, that's all
:facehoof: Like Dr. Strangeloves "vital essence" helping
:derpytongue2: Mine Fuzzy I can walk!
:trollestia: Yeee Haw ride em Cowboy

10865004
Thanks! You...know wheres the Luna Icon? :raritydespair:

And then while Luna stop Celestia, Discord prepare Popcorn in the Microwave, Twilight is sleeping and the other elements are running around like headless chickens

10865019 Applejack actually has the cowboy hat to wave...

10865003

Just because something work's does not mean it can not be...better.

For the 10 trillion personal definitions of 'better'... which are usually achieved via the tyranny of one who manages to murder and bribe the way to the top before the rest.

Please, learn some history. This desperate delusion to achieve a utopian fantasy is why we're barely one step away from a global dystopian nightmare right now.

IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT.

Often, the chase to make things 'better' makes them ever so much worse, because no one can agree what 'better' actually is, since it's an utterly subjective term that the universe laughs at as it blows up entire planetary systems for shits and giggles.

Immortal rulers have one absolutely factual benefit: consistency. Once they're doing their thing, they tend to keep doing it. That leads to stability, and stability is the TRUE seat of a society.

End of story. Alondro is you god now. OBEY!! :trollestia:

FOR I SHALL PURGE THIS FILTHY WORLD OF THE UNCLEAN, AND I SHALL MAKE OF THE GRIFFON REALMS A PYRE OF FLAME, AND I SHALL RENDER THE HAUGHTY DRAGONS INTO ASHES AND DUST, AND I SHALL SMITE THE MINOTAURS WITH GREAT TONGUES OF LIGHT, AND MAKE THE WORLD GOOD AND BRIGHT FOR PONYKIND.”

Well FINALLY Celestia's good for something! Gonna smite them dang beakies, rock-munchers, and... uhmm... vertical cow thingeys right good!

:ajsmug:

Welp. I'm definitely on a list somewhere after looking that up.

For anyone who wasn't aware...VX Nerve Agent.

10865264
I think this particular flavor of Equestrian schizo-tech is a little too technologically primitive to make the V agents, so you'd probably see Cyclosarin, as it's the arguable best choice for area denial out of the earlier G agents. Horrible stuff regardless - I know I'd absolutely take near-instantaneous evaporation via genocidal demigod over drowning in my own lungs.

10865285
Honestly simple mustard gas is plenty horrible enough. Drown in your own blood and feel every moment of it.

“Speaking of, did you two ever get that phone line put in?”

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

*deep breath*

They're using dial-up?!

I mean, seeing magic's involved, I would've figured the ponies would've been able to skip past that and gone right to wireless connections! :rainbowlaugh:

It was the same one she read out at random from earlier. What were the chances?

Pretty good, considering I'm sure the author didn't want to have to invent too many of these complex codes from scratch, especially if most of them were just going to be throwaways. :trollestia:

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Must be foreign."

Well, it's German, I can verify that much. Translation wise, can't quite nail down the meaning with 100% certainty...but fairly certain it means something along the lines of "faithful and strong". Which sounds plenty motto-y to me. As such, you'd think a quick Google search would give me the exact answer, but I'm getting conflicting translations.

“Maybe it’s a super cool spellgrammer game, and that’s why it’s off by itself!”

I mean, we all knew it was coming to that when we clicked on this, admit it. :raritywink:

10865453
It sounds like a motto because it is a motto! There's not a particular reason for using it outside of it being that of a cavalry regiment, although I suppose one could make a sort of morbid joke relating the efficacy of the average Equestrian guardspony and the 11th Hussar's famous charge directly at Russian guns.

And I'll have you know I've got enough brain cells in this here noggin for at least two more codes. Three might be pushing it, though.

I'm honestly shocked they didn't manage to push a button that immediately ordered the generals to bury celestia in cake to stop her from going supernova

10865300
ya but phosgene is fun in that its horrifyingly deadly, and also can be stockpiled for 'reasonable' domestic use as fertilizer

10865105
Historically speaking, near everything that has made life better comes from the people who are trying to make a working system better. I mean... slavery worked so why bother fixing it with your attitude. Denouncing reform because a bunch of unnamed faceless tyrants might use it to gain power seems a bit foolish.

Ultimately, life is a sequence of problem solving, solving past problems and solving new problems that arise in a changing world. Unfortunately, when the ruling body fails to, or even refuses to solve problems via negligence, incompetence or even in defense of “what already works” is when things start to break down and get messy.

10865772 Actually, slavery DIDN'T work for most of society. It was CONVENIENT for the wealthy, but created a huge host of other problems for everyone else, including the tendency for it to result in systems of expanding indentured servitude and serfdom, with debt prisons and so forth.

This isn't to say that there are NO problems that need to be fixed, and NO ways to make things 'better', but these matters require a more broad analysis rather than a narrow-minded course of action driven by a singular ideological goal. That's how you end up with gulags. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, you know. That axiom exists because of how often it's the case!

My point is that rushing in to change an entire society because some elitist who's never held a real job thinks HIS way is 'better' is usually a recipe for disaster. The WORST regimes of all time began with the educated elite in their universities chasing the dragon and seeking to tear down the social body they inhabit, while parasitizing it to sustain their rank delusions of grandeur.

Better the transparent tyrant who openly declares he just want to rule the world than the deranged busybody who cuts people in pieces for 'the greater good'.

This was outrageously funny, with an excellent pace of jokes, and just the right amount of mature humour to keep the tone right. The characterisation was also on point, and the whole story was nicely tied.

I admit I had to check this story out just by the cover artwork. It was worth it, I tell you!

10865869

Better the transparent tyrant who openly declares he just want to rule the world than the deranged busybody who cuts people in pieces for 'the greater good'.

Brevity is the soul of wit, but that won't stop me from using the full CS Lewis quote:

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth

10865495
Not gonna lie the story profile pic is kinda funny

10866062
Well, I should hope so! It took me ten whole minutes in GIMP, after all.

10866060 Indeed, Lewis was one of the Wise Ones. And they are few and far between today.

oawh ... uhm... this one is a certified hood classic too!

YOU GAVE THEM NUKES ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND THIS ISINT GOING TO END WELL:facehoof:

Wargames is awesome. Sequel? Not so much.

Crusaders + Access to weapons of mass destruction = Exactly what you'd expect.

Marvellous work! You've a bonny talent for entertainingly ratcheting events towards disaster.

I should not have eaten this clearly marked dead dove.

11141832
More than half an hour later, this is still hitting me. I really need something to wind me down.

Hard Times at Dude Ranch.

Oh hey, I heard that place really rocks.

And just what was the "Invicta Option" exactly anyway? How did they even develop that? Celestia doesn't seem to be very good at her job, I must say.

Reread time! This is how you get a Fallout Equestria Universe because you know the Dragons, Minotaur, and griffins all have there own counters to 'Goddess-Level Celestia-Rage' attack.

Sweet mother of Celestia, that was an awesome story. Best CMC catastrophe ever. I upvoted it as soon as I saw the cover art.
:applecry::scootangel::unsuresweetie:
So, the Invicta Option was Daybreaker. I did not see that coming.

I'm glad this was more than just a ponified version of "War Games." How about a nice game of chess?

My only complaint is that the "griffon lands" are to the EAST of Canterlot, not west. :derpytongue2:

Cutie Mark Crusaders, ponies of the apocalypse!! YAAAAAY!!!

[INVICTA OPTION]

What I think it means

Military Information

Deserts

MAGI-MINE CONTROL]

Magic mines

[THIOPHOSPHONATE CLOUD SEEDING DIRECTIVE]

THIOPHOSPHONATE

Poison

[CONTINENTAL TELE-KILL COMPOUND AEROSOLIZATION]

THIOPHOSPHONATE (Poison across the continent in the clouds)

[NON-BALLISTIC STRATOSPHERIC SUPER-KINETIC ATTACK VEHICLE DIRECTOR]

[ERSATZ HARMONY ELEMENT REVERSE CRYSTALIZATION]

reverse cristalisation of Harmony?

[AUTONOMOUS AREA DENIAL RADIOLOGICAL ULTRASPELL ACTIVATION]

unacceptable Area

Apple Bloom looked out the window, cocking her head. “Well, I figure we are a mite overdue for some rain.” She turned back to the screen. “Figure this super-spellgrammer thing can really can make it rain?”

POISON RAIN?

remote0-0-0/spellgram/thiophosphate_cloud_seeding_directive.con/run

OH NO

I lost Braincells from those idiots and laught like crazy

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