• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2011
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I'm the creator of Otakuworld.com, Jenniverse.com, the computer game Boppin', numerous online comics, novels, and tons of other wonderful things. I really love MLP:FiM.


In a year marked by the greatest number of legal assaults on the rights of trans people to exist that has ever happened, this is my contribution to Pride Month for 2021 - my own, personal, real life transition story, ponified and coated in science fantasy. I took a metaphorical sword and sliced open my guts for you to see, raw and bleeding. This is my life, this is my story, painted in ponies. Petal Chatoyance says: Trans Rights!

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 66 )
Mix-up #1 · Jun 9th, 2021 · · · Six ·

thank you for you story, I am sure it wasn't easy to write this, I will read it as soon as possible.

Reese #2 · Jun 9th, 2021 · · · Six ·

I hope that that sword wound heals well and soon, and that this story helps people. Myself, I'm not sure when I'll have time to fit all twenty-seven-plus words of it in (And I'm pretty sure I read the non-ponified version of this years ago, on your website -- quite possibly, in fact, as, along with other things on that website, my introduction to the fact that trans people existed.), but I'll put it on a list. :)

(...I mean, unfortunately, a lot of your work here is still on one of those lists for me, but this'll be going on a... slightly higher priority list? Buut I've basically had a backlog of things to read since shortly after I learned to read, I think, so... yeah, don't know when(/if) I'll get to this; sorry.
But I do, as I said, hope that this story does good, and good luck to you in general. :))

Ooh I'll have to give it a read

Holy $%^&, your childhood sounds like it was completely miserable. I'd give you a hug if I could. The fact that you're here now having written this indicates what's to come, but I'm still certainly going to keep reading. After the emotional effort I'm sure getting this on paper took, you deserve that much at least.

Also, I hope you don't mind, but I threw this into the Pride and Positivity group so Sigma will make a charitable donation to a trans rights group per the event.

iisaw #5 · Jun 9th, 2021 · · 1 · Six ·

Is there a word for dys-everything-ia? I'm thinking it would come in handy for me. Looking forward to reading this.


Also, I hope you don't mind, but I threw this into the Pride and Positivity group so Sigma will make a charitable donation to a trans rights group per the event.

That's great! Thank you!

Well, call me moved. Putting this with my Adventure favorites, instead of Slice-of-life, because damn if this wasn't a harrowing journey you experienced. Whenever I read an autobiography like this, I almost feel ashamed at how relatively nice my own life has been, and my drive to rebuild the world into one where such suffering need not ever happen again is renewed.

Huh. Maybe... what I went through counts as an 'adventure'? I'll have to think about that. Interesting.

It's certainly an interesting way of looking at it, I'll give you that. But "adventure" is generally a description for something, applied after the fact by those who weren't there at the time and going through grueling experiences, or otherwise fighting for their lives. The riots following the Rodney King verdict would certainly constitute an adventure, but those who were getting their homes and businesses burnt down at the time, or dragged outside into the streets and beaten simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, they wouldn't describe the situation as being an adventure. They'd describe it as hell on earth! The same goes for those who were present for hurricane Katrina and the months of aftermath that followed.

That makes me think of Bilbo Baggins statement: "We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!”

Maybe an adventure, like comedy, is just tragedy plus time?

TW: Religion below. If offense is taken to any part of this, apologies.

I am a Catholic, and hearing about how cruelly, inhumanely, evilly, and just stupidly some of my coreligionists acted towards you fills me with disgust. Yes, I understand some of their potential objections, and yes I have some concerns of my own regarding transitioning, but their response was so wrong that it makes me reel. For one thing, the religious sister who suggested you commit suicide seems to have forgotten the whole "doing evil, even to try to bring about good, is a no-no" thing (that's the scariest part; they quite possibly believed that they were doing good. The way some people interpret 'doing good' is more horrifying than anything of Lovecraft's), and constantly hitting you over the head with threats of condemnation proved to be the opposite of effective, driving you to do exactly what they wanted you not to. The whole thing just leaves me wanting to claw my face off.

On the other hand, while I don't agree with all the choices you made, I do agree with two very important ones you made; that you are worthy of living (you are) and that you are worthy of love (you most definitely are). While I have my concerns about the road you've walked, I cheer that you walked it and refused to simply lie down in death. Your story of overcoming adversity is a story of great hope, of the reassurance that, with determination, great things are possible.

Thank you for baring your wounds for us. I weep over them as you do, and wish you peace and consolation as fervently as you sought them in your youth. I apologize for the actions of my coreligionists, and ask your forgiveness. Though my concerns bid me be judicious in my support of my LGBTQ+ brethren, know that my concerns are out of love, desiring the highest good for them, not hate. I would be among the first to have counseled you against your transitioning, but I would also have been the first to your defense; I would try to advise you against making the choice you did, but I would fight to the death to defend your freedom to make it, and your value whatever choice you should make. You are not worthy of being shouted or screamed at; you are worthy of being loved, no matter what you do. Sometimes love may mean trying to stop someone from doing something harmful, but it is still love, still willing the highest good of the other.

I am sorry if this makes me seem like I am siding with your tormentors; rest assured, I am not. Their behavior is shameful, a stain on humanity and their faith, a stain I hope my meager words can help wash out somewhat. I love you, and while I may disagree with them, I respect that your choices are your own. I hope that you find the harmony you sought, and the joy you are long-due.


Thank you for your kind words, and thoughts.

As to my 'choices', well, from where I sit, I had none. That is why I kind of balk at media statements that sometimes call trans people 'courageous' or 'heroic'. Yes, we do encounter a rather large amount of abuse, hatred, and violence toward us as a rule, but I don't think it is necessarily 'heroic' to save your own life. Saving someone else's life, sure. But I don't think I had any choice at all. I had to get my carcass fixed or get dead, one or the other. For a textbook transsexual - not transgender, transsexual - the utter agony is literally unbearable.

It isn't just discomfort or a desire for freedom of expression - it is a deep, aching, constant misery that is difficult to even properly describe. You fix your situation or you die. In the 80's, fifty percent of transsexuals did die - that was the morbidity, and all involving those denied the hope of getting their bodies fixed. It's just survival, like any animal.

The religiously-based abuse I enjoyed was nothing special - in the intervening decades running my Transsexuality support website, I have been contacted by hundreds of folks like me and my story is pretty average in that respect. In a lot of ways I was very, very fortunate and blessed. I have had a lot of serious advantages compared to most transsexuals. Imagine what it is like for a transsexual in the deep South, in the Bible Belt, in Mormon territory, or isolated amidst some cult-like Megachurch! A lot of them get dead, a lot of them get convinced to try to deny their nature and end up destroyed for life.

And as for those in certain very religious Middle Eastern countries with specific beliefs... they are pretty much beyond all hope of survival. I've faced pleading letters that have left me in tears, so hopeless that I literally could not write them back - even though I should have. I had nothing I could say that could help. By comparison to that, I enjoyed a golden happy fun ride to glory.

I've spent forty years now as myself, as a woman, and to me, I have only truly had forty years of life. I am sixty-one, but I am only forty years old. I feel completely cheated out of my first two decades. They were a complete write-off, just endless nightmare suffering. The only positive thing I can say about my first two decades on this earth is that hiding inside of science fiction books and science books gave me a lot to draw on when I tell stories in whatever medium.

When I read about those rare young transsexuals nowadays who are fully supported by their parents and communities, allowed to have a full childhood as themselves, I must admit I feel the most bitter envy. I am happy for them - oh, god, puberty blockers before the age of nine, if only, if only - but wow, do I feel doubly cheated by life. I turned out fine enough, but I will never be beautiful. I will never be without some slight tell. And I missed out entirely on having a childhood, and I suffered constantly for my first two decades. I shouldn't be envious, but I would be lying to deny it.

This is the bottom line for me: my last forty years have been just wonderful. Seriously glorious. Oh, I've had my sorrows - bad business deals, internet abuse and attacks, having to move for work and losing my favorite house because of it, the death of a beloved pet - but in every other way, each day I have experienced I can honestly say was golden. Fixing my wagon was the single best thing I ever did. It didn't just keep me alive - it definitely did that, I would absolutely be dead without getting to go through transition - it granted me a proper and decent life I am grateful to have lived.

But, to be fair, I have been incredibly fortunate. Perhaps most MtF transsexuals like me never get the golden ticket like I did. My story was the easy road, despite how it reads. I was lucky. I am so very lucky.

As for religion - yeah, my lifelong experiences have made me no fan of any organized religion. At best, I tolerate some of the more gentle ones - like the Unitarians, who don't seem to hate anyone, and who permit groups like the Gateway Gender Alliance to have a space with no judgement, or Neopagans, who, usually, are pretty generous, kind, and accepting - but I have a bad taste in my mouth for religion in general. My worst experiences have always come from the various flavors of Christianity, but I know that is only because it is the dominant religion in the Americas. I always hold onto the hope that every person can unlearn bigotry and overcome dogma to reach true and accepting compassion. I have to believe that. I just have to.

If I have any faith left, it is in that. Just that, and only because without it... I would be left with despair.

I've blathered too long. Thank you for your kind words.

This story really hit me hard, particularly from someone who has also questioned their gender in a similar situation. Love this so far. I'm reading the second chapter now. I love your stories, Chatoyance. :heart:

Thank you for reading my words, Mystery Muffin!

Religion is a tricky, sensitive, volatile subject to discuss.

But religion is not the only topic, or subject, or whatever you want to categorize it as, that has members who demand outright lockstep groupthink loyalty to a specific ideology from fellow members. That sort of narrow, monolithic belief of being is unfortunately present in many, many walks of life. Regrettably even the trans community is plagued by that particular way of thinking.

One artist I follow, at the start of the month, posted a blog comment voicing how even though they're bisexual, they're tired of all the commercialized marketing push and virtue signalling being seen during pride month. Within two hours his blog was being bombarded by folks calling him a nazi and treating him like he and his outlook were directly responsible for how gay and trans people are more likely to be victims of hate crime than any other minority in the country.

The artist also received message of support from other members of the gay and trans community who shared their tired outlook with not only how commercialized everything has become, but also with how hostile and militant they feel their own community has become around them. This is a direct quote from there:

I mentioned this to my wife over the weekend and she was so happy that she could finally stop pretending that she cares what other people think/feel about her. "I'm not a checkbox for a diversity hiring quota. 'Asian? Female? Bisexual? Okay!' Stop pandering to me. Stop pretending you care about inclusion and dividing everyone with more labels. That's how we get marginalized. Stupid!"

Back when this was just "we want to be treated as equals," we were both fine with the movement. It's since become an inescapable political soapbox, a marketing gimmick, and a recurring source of division in a world that has (for the most part) accepted people of the community as peers. Citizens in good standing, celebrities, lawmakers, CEOS, etc. are all able to openly declare "this is who I am and this is who I love" without fear of reprisal.

However, those cringy little flags and pins and patches make money. Pandering to the community makes money. We see it with other movement out there. Nobody's out selling "I have a dream" t-shirts. To my understanding, those words are as important now as they've ever been, but there's a new slogan that's making money, so hats off to capitalism, I suppose.

The Trump-voting, senior-citizen lesbian immigrants (you want to talk about marginalized, here they are) living next door to us have been laughing at all the "stupid social justice stuff" since the 80's and the only way you'd know they're married is that they sometimes quietly say something like "I love you, dumbass" to one another. I think I've seen them kiss one time after making a joke about cats being smarter than their boss. "We don't need a flag. We have the Stars and Stripes."

A friend of mine in Indiana who legally took a male name and identified as gender-fluid recently told me "this is all too hate-filled, politicized, gimmicky, and pathetic; I'm out." She went back to referring to herself purely as female (kept the name), gathered up her Pride gear, and left it in her yard with a sign saying "I don't want this anymore. Please take it." Her husband tells me that the pile has grown to the point that he moved it to field just outside the neighborhood because people were stopping by on the way out of the subdivision and dropping off their own merchandise. Her friends stopped talking to her when she became "she" again.

The most hate-filled speech and rhetoric that my tiny, little black (she'd yell at me if I capitalized that) friend in Baton Rouge has ever heard came from the communities that she represents, so she denounces any group "that wants to put words in my mouth and act on my behalf without asking me what I want or think about it." She's bisexual with a heavy female preference but refuses to date women because "breaking up with a guy over politics is easy -they just leave- but women make it dirty, and all this has become is politics and marketing."

My sister one day last month straight-up burned her "Asexual Pride" flag and posted to Facebook with a short video that she captioned simply "Cringe." She's had that thing over her bed for three years. She doesn't say much and rarely posts online so this was her equivalent of a 300-page manifesto. I didn't ask, and she didn't explain.

If this is what people from within a community are saying about that community and the people within it, I find it hard to support that community or the symbols that represent it. Especially when those symbols are being slapped on everything from breakfast cereal (Kellogg's) to bumper stickers, political ads to children's cartoons (Blue's Clues) or used to market tv shows, movies, books, and video games.

It's no longer about the movement, it's about money.

Also, rainbows stopped being cool when I stopped eating cereal with marshmallows.

I'm not trying to claim that one group of people is better than the other by comparing their respective levels of toxicity to say one could be considered a lesser evil based on outlook. I'm just saying that toxicity is present everywhere that people are found. The human species excels at toxicity, especially wherever there's more than one person to be found. We thrive on conflict for the stupidest of reasons, and crave finding differences to fuel and justify that desire for conflict. I've long held the belief that if we didn't have matters like race and religion to justify our destructive nature, we'd use stuff like height and eye color as justification for attacking or killing others.

You, I don't hate. I might not agree with you on everything, but that's not the same thing. Even those I don't agree with, I still want to see them treated with the same dignity and respect as everyone else.

Incredible. I mean this in the best way I can, but I'm amazed you lived to see twenty-five. Your endurance is matched only by that which you had to endure. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal.

i would read your entire life story written out and published, Jen. You've done and seen so much, and every trace i've found of you, from your old interviews with gaming magazines to your ancient writings lamenting on the paradox of immortality has made me giddy to find. Here's to many more long years for you, no matter what others say. Godspeed, JDR!


I've long held the belief that if we didn't have matters like race and religion to justify our destructive nature, we'd use stuff like height and eye color as justification for attacking or killing others.

Wow - I've thought that exact, same thing. I can imagine a futuristic civilization, nearly perfect in every way, entirely beyond all scarcity or want, where possessing a skin blemish, or failing to properly greet someone is a crime worthy of death or endless incarceration: unforgivable. There seems to be quality of most of humanity that seeks any difference, however small, and desires to destroy anyone who possesses it.

Religion - or politics, which is often basically the same drive - is just an excuse for that awful quality. Or so I have sometimes thought.

When we are children, life sucks and we are powerless. But beyond that, most people aren't 'ruined' yet. They haven't been taught strong beliefs, powerful prejudices, or absolute stances. They haven't 'hardened' yet. Kids can be totally evil bastards, of course. But it seems almost always about selfishness and spite, not ideology or arbitrary beliefs, which means that rifts can sometimes still be mended with an apology and a cookie.

To me, strong beliefs - about anything - are the cause of most of my suffering in life (well, beyond the basic existential horror of an uncaring universe!).

I try hard not to believe anything. I just hold best guesses I hope are as close as I can get to reality.

And I think hatred is always a mistake.


I had a doctor once, just the regular kind, who said pretty much the same thing. I have come close to getting dead a lot in my life. I guess, so far, I keep rolling my saves?


Thank you for your kind thoughts, Str8aura. Thank you.

"To live would be a great adventure." - Robin Williams as Peter Pan - Hook

That idea you just presented is even scarier than the idea of the shorties vs the tallies trying to kill each other for being different from them.

From my perspective, a lot of what goes on in the world, be it politics or something else, is driven and motivated by spite. Simple, pure, petty, vindictive spite. "You don't agree with me, so I'm going to do everything in my power to make you as miserable as possible and pay for disagreeing with me!"

Yeah... there does seem to be a lot of vindictiveness, I have to agree. Spite. Humans do that a lot. And it makes me very sad.

OH BOY!!! :pinkiegasp: Chatty ninja wrote a story when I wasn't looking!

You should embrace the acne and give it a good squeeze:

When we lost most of our hair for thermoregulation:

Humans cannot survive cold nights nude, but other great apes can. A few million years ago, we started using clothes and fire. These let us survive cold nights with much less hair. This gave us an advantage during the day:

Let us suppose that the temperature is between 30 and 40 C. One is hungry. One sees some yummy ungulates. One starts jogging after them. Because of their fur, they can run more than an hour, but less than 2 before succumbing to hyperthermia. Because of our bare skin, we can jog more than 2 hours but less than 3. The ungulate collapsed from overheating and we eat it.

The loss of hair ruined grooming, so we evolved acne. Then, came religion which banned pleasure. For over a million years, it was "If you pop my pimples, I shall pop yours. That is why vdeos like this 1 put people into trances and make them feel like they are on opiates:

I have to admit I love being groomed by my spouse Aedina. It is primate bliss.


Once you 2 will become ponies, you can nibble on each others necks instead.

> "I could love who I chose."

Although your dialogue is natural, when you write as yourself, you usually have perfect grammar. That should be "I could love whom I chose."

I always wondered how you prevent mistyping; Imyelf make so many mistakes that my bloodtype should Type-O Positive instead of Type A Positive.

Waterbed transmit motion, are either too hot or cold, heavy, and leak.

Constipation is better than diarrhœa.

When you got that fever, you should have called an ambulance. You are lucky to have survived.

So I read through your story, and goodness gracious I am sorry you had to deal with that. The breadth of hate directed towards queer people is astonishing, and I can't even imagine how demoralizing and downright awful it must have been to live through the AIDS crisis and witness the sheer lack of compassion present in the mainstream politicians and society. Thank you for the bravery you've shown in spite of all the hardships and suffering thrown upon you. I don't know what else to say to thank you, I don't believe I can convey it through computer text.

Your story also struck a chord with me. With my own transition being very, very near. I think I'm ready to write my own story. I've been wanting to write it for quite some time, but I think your story finally made something click in my scatter-brained head.

I hope everything goes easily and nicely and kindly for you. I wish you only all good things, SweetBanana.

I barely had the money to take the trip and have my surgery. I didn't even begin to have enough money for an ambulance, much less hospital care. You misunderstand my situation. Literally all the money I had, in all the world, went into that trip to Trinidad. I was flat broke otherwise, beyond some petty cash I had on me. I couldn't afford medical insurance - I didn't even have a job at the time. But even if I had - any job I could have gotten back then would not have paid me well enough to afford medical insurance even so.

In America, there is no guarantee of free medical care. One hospital trip can impoverish a person for a lifetime, and that is if they even let you in. You could easily die while they shuffle you from one hospital to another, trying to get a different corporation to take the financial hit of saving your life. Ambulances are for rich people. Hospitals are for rich people. In America, you always have the option of dying for Capitalism, and you are encouraged to get on with it. Time is money, after all, and in America, money is the true god.

I'd say I'm impressed by your bravery here, both in living these events and writing them, but that doesn't really begin to cover it. I can't express my sympathies toward the start of your life (and it wouldn't mean much if I could), so I'll just put my thoughts on the story itself here, instead:

When I started this, I wasn't sure how well the analogy of transspeciesism to transsexuality (to use your preferred term(?)) was working. At the end of it, I'm still not sure. There are elements that work really well, especially the body horror and alien culture shift stuff, and elements that don't quite match - in some cases, the same elements - which can cause a bit of a "hang on, how does this track?" reaction. Obviously it's not a perfect match, but honestly that doesn't even matter, with how powerful the story is despite - because of - it. The result is a bare nerve, raw, and ugly, and even lovely, by the end.

You say this was an excerise in spilling your guts, and in that it's utterly successful. Red and writhing and unpleasant, yes, at times difficult to read, but completely mesmerising, deeply personal, and shockingly honest.

I loved this. Thank you.

Thank you for reading it.

Yeah, trying to ponify this issue was a little strange, and I agree not all of it works entirely. Too often, I think, I just couldn't effectively transform (heh!) my experiences into science fiction involving ponification. I think the original experience bleeds through too much: I wasn't able to disguise it well enough.

Science fiction can be useful to understand current things - abstract them into some future, and it becomes possible to look at them anew, without all the baggage. I don't think I can do that entirely with this - though, as you saw, I did try, really hard - because I am way to close to it. It isn't abstract to me, or, rather, I can't think of it abstractly enough.

After doing this, I'm just amazed I survived it. I haven't thought about all of this for a lot of years. This was pretty intense for me, to revisit it.

Comment posted by Thelumpmeister deleted Jun 18th, 2021

.... сcurrently reading this. Well, I definitely happy to recognize this story, yet all your other world-works give it additional power. Alt-history line where Celestia never (up to date this half-fictional, but half VERY real tale set in) gained ability to change High Way of Humans .... this is bold and sad thing to read. Almost like your Red cryptonite stories....

Also, I probably must say I found it hard to imagine you as.. a boy. Guess in my mind you 'always were' girl, even if your story was exactly my first introduction to trans.. sexality/transgenderism (both in your case + something else... someghing than disallows me to read this story as *just* metaphor for real-life events...). You have amazing artistic power, and I *like* to be stormed by it.
For some reason autogenerated epub version does not display end-of-chapter animations, at least not in mobile reader called ReaderEra. But if I click on link it loads in external broswer tab...

From ch 3.

I had no desire to live a lie of any kind.

it seems we have this thing in common... as well somewhat different look at The Human World. If only more (much more!) humans were able to discover science is not about far-away Tv show or corporate job - but about way of thinking and relating with world with uncharacteristical for us *honesty*

I resolved that no idiotic psudoscience

was it typo in pseudoscience or intentional wordplay?

And as of Wednesday, I've been on hormones!

Congratulations, SweetBanana! I am really happy for you. Yay!


I get that, but the worst they could do is not treat you. Since you had no money, they could not collect anyway, if they treat you on speculation.

If an ambulance takes you to the hospital, you are fucked because now you owe 3500 dollars you cannot pay. I could not afford that. Not even close. So, if they didn't treat me, I would have been in deep debt for no benefit whatsoever. Then, I would need a ride back, or to the airport anyway. Which I would also have to pay for.

Ambulances are not free, and they cost insane amounts of money. Insane.


I know. I got a bill for 11,068.00 U$D for an ambulance, but blood and turnips. The company realised that it could not collect that outrageous sum, so settled for 100.00 U$D for pickup and a dollar for mi lewhich cme tao a total of 123.00 U$D (I wonder whether it was really 23 miles or someone in billing just liked the 123).

Well, hello there, yet another emotional sledgehammer to the head.

Strangely enough, that pinch of ponies you added really works. Well, not really in the world building stuff, but as a tool to look at the sides of the conflict from another angle. This is why I love sci-fi as a genre, it nudges your biases and expectations, forcing you to look all around you in a new light. But this was quite a leap, to represent different parts of humanity as a literal aliens to each other : )

Still, great story depicting not so great events, thank you for your bravery.

Thank you, Numinos. Thank you for reading my words.

Capitalism breeds competition, since the goal is making more money than the other guy. If we had a patient-to-doctor ratio of 20 to 1, meaning there was a doctor to every twenty potential patients, it would literally be a buyer's market as patients could easily choose which doctor to see, and doctors would have a motivation to have reasonable prices for their services since they'd know they aren't the only option in the area.

But we don't have that sort of ratio going on because our government decided that it knows better, and has placed caps on how many individuals can actually become doctors. The government is deliberately maintaining and enforcing an artificial shortage on how many trained medical personnel can legally exist at any given time in the US.

This was all done back in 1997 with the Balanced Budget Act, limiting the number of graduates that could be hired on as residents so they can become physicians. And right now the damn democrats that call themselves the champions of the poor, impoverished, downtrodden folks, won't even take the time to propose allocating more funding for physician hiring in the midst of the worst pandemic the country's had in a century, because they're focused on a discussion about voting that won't go anywhere. They refuse to change the subject to something that might actually accomplish something, because they're too busy posturing.

Even at the distance and dressed as pony, I recognize, empathize, and sympathize with so much of your story. Thank you for sharing it here and again. So much has changed in the last decade that it is important that we don't forget how it was for many before.

It was a true pleasure reading this. Chat, because I can remember most part of your original story almost from memory, and it was a pleasant variation. Years ago, when there were online journals and the whole web writing wasn't limited to 5 words tweets, I used to read life stories of brave people living difficult moments. I read a lot of literature, but these were REAL people that had REAL problems and were able to overcome them. It gave me a better perspective and I sort of absorbed strategies to face my own life, that was pretty troublesome at the time.
Thanks again for sharing your stories.

Thank you, Gardenia, for reading my story. It was an intriguing task to ponify my own history, and it was strange revisiting those memories after so many years of not thinking about them.

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