Ending B
Merry ran over to the line, standing firm. They then heard an explosion from behind them. Merry turned to see a group of injured creaturess, who had been wounded by shrapnel. Merry didn’t have time to worry, as the guards then began to charge. Merry panicked, before getting an idea. She turned to a dragon. “Hey! Make a fire wall and hold them off!”
The dragon nodded and began breathing fire in the path. They watched as a few unlucky guards charged right through the fire, screaming and howling. Merry and a few other creatures used the time to quickly form a somewhat liable defense. Some of the yaks had heavy automatic crossbows on their backs, and allowed a few creatures to climb on and use the weapons. As soon as the fire dies down, they let out a hailstorm of crossbow bolts. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop a few luckier guards from getting past. They managed to pick off a few unsuspecting Marching Colors with their bayonets before being killed themselves. Thankfully, most of the bayonets only wounded them, allowing the makeshift medics to easily aid them.
Merry grabbed her spear and ran up to the line, watching as the guards seemed basically endless. She felt something pull her back. Fear. It wasn’t like any fear she’d ever felt before, like a fear of the dark. It was... a new fear.
Fear of death. A fear of war.
What the Marching Colors didn’t have in supplies, they had well dedicated soldiers. The royal guards on the other hand looked more fearful. It seemed no one wanted to attack. But, as stated, the Marching Colors didn’t have a lot of supplies. Including arrows. So when the automatic crossbows ran dry, they had to act quickly.
So, they went with a half-baked offensive. The one upside was that the guards were worn out and had almost no soldiers left. They immediately surrendered, throwing down their weapons.
~~~
Merry and a few other creatures watched as the guards squirmed, trying to break from their restraints. A griffon stepped up, grabbing one of them by the throat. “Okay, talk. Why are attacking us?”
The guard groaned. “It’s… not… our f-fault…” he wheezed out.
Another guard looked over. “He is telling the truth.”
The griffon let go, looking over. “What do you mean?”
The guard sighed. “Well, you see, we don’t really have a choice when it comes to who we attack.” He nodded at one of the younger soldiers. “He’s seventeen, he shouldn’t be here. But they just threw us right at you. Didn’t even give us a strategy or anything.”
A pony stepped up. “Well… if you didn’t fire at our crowds at Appleloosa—”
“Wait, Appleloosa?” the guard interrupted. “We didn’t fire first, we heard you guys did.”
There was a pause. Neither side expected this. The guard let out a sigh. “Listen, the point is, this is really by choice.”
The pony looked at the guard. “So, who ordered it?”
“The sisters!” a pony from the back of the crowd shouted. “They’re the only ones with authority to do it!”
“Not really…” the guard stated. “In all honesty, it’s more up to the Minister of Defense. And, by law, this is kind of a rebellion…”
The group exchanged glances. Merry could practically feel the tension. She could probably cut it with a knife.
“Hm… can you take us to Canterlot?” the pony asked.
The guard looked up. “What?! Are you crazy?! What are you gonna do?! Sit down for tea and cookies?!”
The pony smiled. “Exactly.”
The guard sighed, not seeing any other options. “Fine. I’ll try to put in a good word or something.”
The pony chuckled, turning to the others. “Get the wagons ready. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow.”
The group nodded and ran out of the tent.
~~~
Merry sat on one of the wagons, watching the scenery go by. It was nerve racking. She didn’t know what to expect. What if they immediately opened fire? What would they do if they’d defeated the Marching Colors? Would she die?
These thoughts echoed around her mind, like noise in a cave. Merry laid against a hay bale.
After a few hours, they rode up towards the front gates. The city streets were lit up by the hanging lamps. The citizens looked at the convoy, confused. They weren’t sure how to react or what to do. The convoy rode past, heading towards the castle. However, it wasn’t long until they heard a boom, followed by a loud crash and the leading wagon flying off the road.
The leading wagons began yelling ‘cannon!’ as another explosion rang out. The cannonball ripped through another wagon, sending the wagon and occupants flying off the road.
Merry grabbed her crossbow and tried to remain calm. Then, the bolts began flying. Automatic crossbows rained hail fire onto the wagons.
“Get down!” one of the ponies yelled.
Merry and some of the others ducked down. One colt looked terrified. Merry tried to reach for him, but a crossbow bolt got to him first.
Merry wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was the arrow hitting him. Maybe the blood splatter. Or maybe his scared but lifeless eyes. A dead pony’s eyes.
The wagon quickly came to an abrupt stop. The braking wasn’t clean, however. The wagon flipped onto its side, sending the occupants out. Merry felt her body ragdoll against the dirt path and land in on the soft grass. And for a while, she stayed like that. Just lying there. She was thankful to even survive the crash, let alone not break anything.
Merry looked up, watching as a mare ran towards her.
“Hey! You okay?!” she asked, leaning down.
Merry reached a hoof out, trying to grab the mares hoof. Before she could, the mare let out a scream, then collapsed, an arrow sticking out of her back. Merry held back a gag, trying not to throw up. The smell of blood entered her nostrils. She groaned, but kept crawling. She then noticed one of the wagons had a flag. The rainbow flag they were flying earlier. She crawled over to it, grabbing it firmly in her hooves. The flag was battered and torn, and was covered in dust. Merry held the flag up, and marched towards the gate.
She watched as her fellow creatures charged towards the castle. She felt her breathing slow. She walked towards the gate, pushing it open. The soldiers charged forward, most climbing the walls and throwing the guards off. Merry watched as the guards fell to the ground, most seeming to break their necks. Merry then noticed a flag in the center of the garden. She stumbled towards the flagpole, using the flag in her hoof as a support. As she approached, a pony raised up from behind the pole, firing a crossbow bolt into her chest.
She let out a yell, dropping to her knees. The guard stood, ready to shoot her again when another pony ran in front of her, taking the bolt for her, but also tackling and pinning the guard. Merry Gaines her strength, marching over. The guard tried pushing the dead pony off of him, but couldn’t. Merry stood over him, raising the flag, then driving it down through his chest and into the ground. She stood tall, watching as the others cut down the Equestrian flag. The rainbow flag waved in the wind, signaling victory.
~~~
Present Day Equestria…
Luna stared at the statue. One that depicted several Marching Colors raising a Pride flag in Equestria’s courtyard. She sighed wishfully, wondering why she didn’t do anything sooner. If anything, she should’ve been out there, fighting with them. But she wasn’t. And it hurt.
~~~
Cries for our help, a quiet whimper
Unknown ponies calling for us
Sent to Tartarus, to find for Elysium
To serve in the dark as Marching Colors.
—Marching Colors
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Woah...
that...was...epic
10902174
Really? How so?
10902178
Two different versions of how it could end, all extremely well written!
10902179
Heh, okay
Congrats on completing it, Hero. And having multiple endings was a neat little take-on.
10902184
Yay, approval
10902182
Mhm!
Oh boy, I'm probably gonna regret getting involved in all this.
But here we go. I've seen this story's poor like-dislike ratio being attributed to homophobia. I really don't think that's the case. Sure, some dislikes certainly are because of that. But I've seen some other pride-centred fics in passing with much more positive ratings. And due to the show's cast being predominantly female, most of the romance fics on the site are centred around homosexual relationships. Even when a story introduces a non-straight OC it doesn't seem to get much flak. It seems far more likely that this fic fails both as LGBT representation, and as a story in general.
It takes LGBT rights, a very real and loaded issue which affects people worldwide, and boils it down to "hey kids, do you like violence?". When you make a story commenting on a real issue, what you write will inevitably reflect on what you think of it. What I got from this story, is that there is no hope of tolerance for LGBT people and they should revolt and fuck all consequences or logical reasoning. It's not a good moral.
Then there is the fact that the only two canon characters in the story, Celestia and Luna, are both firmly against LGBT rights. Despite the fact that it's hinted that Luna isn't straight herself. Show characters can absolutely be used as antagonists. But if you write an AU, you need to make it clear that the characters you write about are not the ones from the show, and there needs to be at least some characterisation to give them a new personality. We don't get any of that here. Luna and Celestia are just shoved in there because the story needed an antagonist, with no explanation.
Then there is the fact that the story just plain doesn't make much sense. It starts with a referendum on LGBT rights in which one side wins by what is described as landslide. Which means that the vast majority of the population would be against Marching Colours. But then the rebels get enough recruits and public support to overrun the royal guard. Where did they all come from? And there is no answer from the rest of the population either. We know for a fact the referendum wasn't rigged, so it has to be an accurate representation of the general populace and their feelings.
And where are all the show characters? The fact that both Luna and Celestia are present sets the story either before Nightmare Moon, or somewhere during the show. And the presence of changelings that no one freaks out about pretty much firmly grounds this fic after Thorax's reformation, but before the show's end, seeing as the sisters are still in charge. Are we supposed to believe the Mane 6 didn't get involved in the conflict, on either side?
And what exactly were the consequences of the revolt? We know they won, due to that one scene on modern Equestria. But what exactly happened? Did Equestria's government change? What is Luna's role in all this? Was there a purge of non-LGBT people, or were they left alone? If so, what stops them from bringing back the status quo?
You wrote a poor plot with many, many loose ends. How did the rebellion end successfully if they were in the vast minority of the population? Why are Celestia and Luna so homophobic, even when one of them is hinted to be homosexual or nonbinary herself? What is happening with all the other characters? What are foreign nationals (other races mentioned in chapter 2) doing in the middle of an armed revolt?
10902657
Let me try to answer as many as I can.
1): The plot is set before Luna’s banishment
2): Celestia and Luna aren’t homophobic. The original plot was to have Luna vote in favor of homophobia to try and get more support than she was getting.
3): The changelings there were just outliers who were able to integrate themselves into small town populations
4): Most of the foreign creatures moved to Equestria in hopes of more freedom than their own nations were allowing
10903067
That sounds like a lot of important information that should be in the fic itself. Especially the first two.
Well the story is doing an amazing job of making it seem like they are. Luna straight up suggests rigging the vote in favour of the anti-LGBT crowd. Celestia, by all logic, should be appalled that Luna would even suggest such a thing, and in favour of this particular option no less. Instead, she sounds more like she would like to do it as well but the ponies' opinions are more important to her than her own beliefs.
Which could make for an interesting plot point. A leader that wants to do immoral things, but cares about their people enough to hold back their feelings. Can't say I remember ever reading anything like that. Or maybe I did, but just forgot. Anyways, back to the point.
If she knew which option would get more support, what is the point of the referendum? You're in a diarchy damnit, it's not like you need it legally. And wouldn't voting be private? Unless Luna would precede the whole thing by launching a political campaign, to let everyone know of her stance. Maybe she did, but we don't get that. Maybe the whole thing was utterly pointless, and was just a publicity stunt by Luna to get more support. But that begs the question why didn't Celestia stonewall it immediately, and why did Luna choose to go against her own beliefs instead of choosing something else.
I'm going to echo Changeling404's complaint here, and say that for such a significant political debate, there was remarkably little politicking involved. No awareness campaigns, political rallies, everpresent propaganda from both sides, nothing. Hell, every time there is an election where I live you can't walk five meters down a street without finding five separate election posters and at least half the news channels at any given time are taken over by political debates. You'd think something similar would happen here, but no.
You could say that it simply wasn't in the scope of the story. I'll have to disagree. You've chosen to write a story commenting on a very important debate. Then proceeded to up the stakes by first introducing a major political struggle based around it, then a full-fledged civil war. If you don't want to take on all the baggage that comes with introducing politics and national conflicts into the story, don't do it. There are certain expectations that come with introducing most themes or plots into stories. If you base a story around a large political conflict, for example, readers will expect to get at least a glimpse into how everyone involved is trying to sway the masses and gather support, and why is all this happening in the first place.
You can write LGBT representation in a story without immediately escalating it into a civil war. You can even make it the focus of the story, just write it as a smaller interpersonal conflict, instead of whatever happened here. And if you have to force it as a large scale conflict, be prepared to actually write it as such, instead of pruning off segments crucial to this type of story.
10903111
You raise several good points. Ones I can’t really argue against.
10903119
I should hope so, it certainly wasn't easy to formulate my thoughts in a coherent manner. :P
Seriously though, don't take it the wrong way. I get where you were going with the story, and I certainly approve of the sentiment, even if the execution fell flat pretty much at every level. I hope I helped you understand what went wrong, and perhaps you can avoid such pitfalls whenever you decide to write something else.
10903136
Of course. Thank you.