• Member Since 28th Nov, 2020
  • offline last seen Yesterday


Just a random bat


Usually you would think what's next after death is simple, heaven or hell right? Well, maybe for you.

After I was hit right in the face by death's fist, I was (forcefully and unknowingly) invited somewhere else.

I don't know where.

I don't know why.

But also...
I have a plus one?

Get ready to Join Matthew/Crimson and James/Cyax on their brand new life and adventure in Equestria!

(A HIE/human turned pony story)

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 41 )

The first and second chapters go well together, so it would be better if they were one. I suggest continuing in longer chapters to pull in an audience who would enjoy this; the concept is interesting, the grammar and punctuation is great. Other than that, pretty good! :pinkiehappy:

Yea, I suppose I agree, it may be my first story but thx a bunch :twilightsmile:

No problem! Glad you took it well! You just need a tiny push in the right direction, why not help a little? :raritywink::heart:

I'm loving this fic! I can't wait to see what your story has to offer!

Wanna know a harsh truth about this fic anyone? I already what you gonna write in the future, author. (Of course after 3 chapters short like hell)

P/S if you care, Author. Please respond

What do ya want me too say huh? (I well and truly dont know)
*oh look! A time traveler, they know how my story's gonna go* yea if its predictable to you I dont really care to much. This has kinda been my little "passion project" I've had in the back of my day to day life for a while and I could've never shared it, but I did.
So, whatever.
I ain't the best of writers but if ya dont like that then go find someone who rights longer stories.

okay.... wanna some advice? At least you the one who will listen, right? Don't worry this will friendly advice. Since you are a newbie in writing, I can see what mistakes the new ones usually make.

I suppose I'll listen.
no promises, though it is my story and I'll write it how I like, whether there be people who judge or not

Promise me that you don't delete the comment and put it there.

P/S: I'm still waiting here and sorry for late because I am writing my story.

I'd only delete any comment if I see toxicity or hate speech, so I think you'd be fine

Okay. Let me say the first thing: Please avoid that Black and Red OC. The black and Red OC will make viewers feel that like " oh, this OC is so edgy. I will read another story."

P/S: can you tell me why you like Black and Red OC?

More gray than black imo. Crimson is my only oc with a "black" and red color scheme. I dont have like 10 different black and red ocs. Let them think what they want about my character, and I dont get why someone would instantly click off due to them assuming said character is edgy.

Plus I had assumed said advice was going to be more oriented around my writing, not the color scheme of a character.

You know edgy can make the story will be bad right? Except you write a mystery or horror story, you can use that. Other types, please use it at the right time, Not in OC. Readers ignore your story immediately when seeing your OC, how can you better when everyone not wanna see your story?

P/S Gray and Black nearly the same, not better. Like I click "Like" and It doesn't show the ratio. you can use that OC in making comics, not in writing. In writing, colour make feeling, not like the act

I dont have a thing for black and red characters/ocs. Crimson is more of my sona, and my process of making him was due to my love of night, so he's a bat pony, and I some reason have an interest in the word crimson, so he has a red mane, I wanted to do a black coat to go with night but I sorta know the dark/pure black and red characters = edgy/evil (from a general public perspective) so I made his coat a bit more gray. I also do quite like black/gray and red colors in general (and no, not at all because I like edgy/evil). I apologize if my creative spark to make an oc (my first oc to be specific) didnt make it in a color scheme you like

I'll use my character's how I like thank you. Now can you please go away if you are going to continue about said characters colors and nothing else

Wow, you keep that OC? okay now let start about the writing. I got two words "Too fast"

And it not good in general. And you know when I say "too fast" that mean it lack of detail.

Could you please take your leave I would like no more in this

Say the one who will listen criticism. Let me guess, your OC is going to meet the main 6 and be along with them like 10 second right?

Says the one who presumed said advise/criticism was about writing, on a site for story's, not about character design.

No, I have no intention on meeting the main 6 anytime soon

Oh right, like I said your story happens too fast, make me confuses a lot. Because of lack of detail

Here something I advice, write each chapter in 1k words. If you can write each chapter 2k words or more, that will better. This, can solve the " lack of detail " problem and also make your fic better.

Oh thank you, some actual writing advice, I do have a few chapters already written and they are in the 1-2k word range, and some not. But you can judge on word count all you like, I'll write my story how I want.

Eh no, they are not reach at 1k words here? And, you should slow down now. The flow of your fic is too fast.

I didnt say they were published, well more like forgot to specify they weren't, my apologies

... Why am I feel not good?

Let start chapter 1, shall we? After I read chapter 1, I don't know anything about you and your friend. Not even have an infomation. You just say "go to work, watch MLP" then one day you have accident (not know what type though) then became a pony...... Really fast huh?

A question is about the MC (main character). What is his job, why he have a car, why he like MLP? Ect...

Ok geez, i get you. I understood the "too fast" you said like ages ago. I don't care if you have a damn diploma in writing or somthing. I don't, I don't make story's for a lifetime like some people may do. But for goodness sake, if you really don't like my story you can leave

Then you gonna pour any talent in that MC, huh? The explain is the most important of a fic. It will judge that your fic is "Mary Sue" or not. Are you even a writer ? Re-read that story as the reader and give me your feeling.

No, I'm not a good writer in the slightest, (If I was, you wouldn't be complaining)
And I have had enough of this so can you just kindly leave

Hey, I just wanted to day, you've doing pretty well for your first fic. And there isn't much I constructively criticize. I can say that you could mess with the pacing a little bit and maaayyybe chapter length. And I noticed, at least in your most recent chapter, that you've made some long sentences. Maybe divide them up with a period or two.

But that's all I can offer, I still would love to see your story, and you as a writer, progress.

The first tip in jungle survival: never drink the river water until it boiled ( even it boiled is still a problem but less ). Did you even research before writing?

A bit aggressive, but yes, that is an important rule :moustache:

Oh, Your still here?
Yeah that's true but geez I ain't intending on this being some bear grylls extreme survival story.

(Ps, it's in a forest not a jungle, just as an fyi)

Still dangerous. Forest or jungle is the same ( especially this is Everee forest). Even not in extreme survival but adding 1 or 2 survival guide don't kill the hold story. (Plus it will make the story more realistic)

P/S: I'm experience it not .... Research it -_-

Comment posted by Dragon Shimmer deleted Jun 22nd, 2021

Good chapter! :twilightsmile:
Can't wait for the next one!

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