Lost in Sidequests: Epic Loot! [Comedy, Crossover; Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy]
On a dirt path just outside an idyllic little village, there was a sudden flash of light as four heroes materialized.
You find yourself outside the quiet village of Colteria. Though relatively safe, it nonetheless has a wooden city gate that you must pass through to gain entry. From where you stand, you can see thatched roof cottages—
“We know!” Twilight shouted. “We can see all that!”
“W-well, I think it adds some extra, um… immersion to the quest,” Fluttershy remarked. “Besides, Discord was so proud of this new ‘Narration’ feature, so I promised him we’d try it out!”
All of this took place as Discord’s disembodied voice continued on, talking over them as it described the nearby trees and mountains on the horizon.
—woods are dominated primarily by white birch and the occasional pine tree. A path leads from where you stand toward those woods, although you cannot see far down the path before—
“Nope, I ain’t puttin’ up with that fer this whole quest,” Applejack said abruptly. “Settings.”
A translucent menu came up displaying various options.
“Narrator Mode: OFF,” Applejack commanded.
Discord’s narration immediately ceased.
“Aww, it wasn’t so bad,” Fluttershy muttered, her ears drooping.
“Hey, as long as we have this menu opened,” Rainbow Dash said, pushing in next to Applejack roughly, “let’s try some of the other ‘Extra’ features!”
“Rainbow,” Twilight grumbled, “we don’t have time for—”
“8-bit Mode: ON!”
Suddenly the group of them appeared as pixelated entities, the forest nearby appearing as a copypasted repetition of the same asset.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted (though her voice sounded more like a series of beeps in quick succession).
“Oh my… I feel so jagged,” Fluttershy beeped. “I’m almost afraid to move! I might accidentally cut somepony!”
“Fine fine,” Rainbow Dash relented, heaving a synthetic sigh. “8-bit Mode: OFF.”
“There, fine,” Twilight said. “Now, if we could just—”
“Big Head Mode: ON!”
At that point, their heads - as well as those of the city guards at the gate just ahead - swelled to three times their normal size.
“Aaaaaahhhh!” Twilight screamed in horror. “Oh my gosh… what the… HOW IS MY NECK NOT BREAKING?”
Rainbow burst into uproarious laughter. “Bwahahahaha! This is hilarious! Let’s keep this setting on the entire time!”
“Oh buck no!” Applejack shouted. “Big Head Mode: OFF!”
Their heads immediately returned to normal size.
“Fluttershy, please ask Discord not to add any more superfluous features to the Friendship Map,” Twilight said, sighing as she massaged her temples.
“I’ll ask him nicely,” Fluttershy said, stifling a giggle. “But that ‘Big Head’ thing was a little funny.”
“Let’s just get this here quest done,” Applejack said, striding forward. “I wanna get the reward an’ then be home in time fer supper. Granny Smith’s makin’ beans an’ cornbread, an’ I’d rather have that than a hundred Apple Medallions of Loyalty.”
They strode up to the city gates and were greeted by the two guards, a pair of pegasi holding a spear to their sides with their wings.
“Welcome to Colteria!” one shouted.
“I like swords!” Rainbow Dash shouted back.
“Welcome to Colteria!” the guard repeated.
“I like swords!” Rainbow Dash repeated back.
The other three mares exchanged an all-too-familiar look.
“Stupid limited dialogue options,” Applejack grumbled.
“Welcome to Colteria!”
“I like sw-ow!” Rainbow yelped as Twilight grabbed her by the ear with her magic and dragged her into the city.
“Okay, the MSQ states that we need to find a pair of neighbors named Cookie Cruncher and Epic Raider,” Twilight said. “Cookie Cruncher’s house is just up the road, so let’s see what her friendship problem is.”
“Ohhh, I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Cookie Cruncher, a slightly chubby earth pony with a mocha-brown coat as she took a fresh bunch of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.
Twilight and her friends were gathered around her kitchen table, an earlier batch of cookies laid out before them.
“Epic Raider, my neighbor, has been my best friend for so long,” she said, heaving a sigh. “But he insists on going alone to the dungeon deep inside the Colterian Forest to hunt for treasure. There are so many monsters and traps there, though… I can’t help but worry about him!”
Twilight nodded. “It must be terrible to see your friend risk his life like that,” she said. “Have you tried—”
There was a crash and the sound of clattering glass.
“Cool! I found 50 DBs in that pot!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Rainbow!” Applejack shouted, seeing her friend standing over the shards of a smashed vase. “What in the hay is wrong with you! Ya can’t just go smashin’ other ponies’ things to find loot!”
“Oh, no, it’s all right,” Cookie Cruncher said, waving her hoof dismissively. “I’m not sure why, but I’m fine with it.”
“See?” Rainbow Dash said, sticking her tongue out at Applejack. “It’s fine! You guys keep talking to her. I’m going upstairs to look through her dresser and stuff.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “This is my new reality… I didn’t choose it… but this is what it’s come to…”
“Um, if you wouldn’t mind continuing your story, Cookie Cruncher?” Fluttershy said, giving the mare a kind smile.
“Well, I just wish I could convince Epic to stop risking his life!” she cried. “I got so worked up every time he went on a dungeon raid, and when he comes home scraped up and injured with just a few measly gems to show for it… I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I… I decided that if he cares so little for our friendship that he would make me worry myself sick, then maybe it would be best if we just weren’t friends anymore at all! At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about him!”
“Well…” Fluttershy began, “I see what you mean, but… you still seem awfully worried about him anyway.”
Cookie Cruncher’s eyes welled up. “Ohhh, who am I kidding? You’re exactly right!” she cried. “I can’t just turn off my feelings! I’m terrified that one day he won’t come back at all! But he just won’t listen to me… tell me, am I being selfish?”
Twilight shook her head. “It’s good to be understanding of your friends’ interests, but this pony sounds like he’s not just an adventurer… he sounds downright reckless!”
“Sure does,” Applejack said. “I ain’t no stranger to danger, but goin’ into a dungeon filled with monsters an’ other nasty varmints alone is just plain foolish!”
“But… but what can I do?” Cookie Cruncher asked.
“Maybe ya oughta let us talk some sense into ‘im!” Applejack said.
“Oh? You really think he’ll listen to you?”
“If I land my Loyalty roll, yeah.”
“Huh?”
Twilight narrowed her eyes at Applejack. “Anyway, let’s do this!” she declared. “Everypony, it’s time to talk to Epic Raider and convince him to stop risking his life in that dungeon!”
They all turned and went to the door. They found Rainbow Dash waiting for them, a smug look on her face.
“Hooboy,” Applejack said. “I know that look. Whadjya find, Rainbow?”
“Heh… I was rummaging through Cookie Cutter’s dresser when I found these babies!” she declared, holding up the item (causing a fanfare to play from some unseen trumpet).
Item: Polka Dot Panties: +10 LGH
They all gawked at the lacy pair of white panties with pink polka dots all over them.
“Oh my…” Fluttershy murmured, her cheeks turning bright red.
“Pretty cool, right?” Rainbow Dash asked with a grin.
“Ya stole her bucking underwear?!” Applejack bellowed.
“If she didn’t mind me smashing her vases, I don’t think she’s gonna mind if I steal her skivvies, AJ,” Rainbow retorted, rolling her eyes.
“Twilight, can ya please talk some sense into her?”
Twilight ran her tongue around her cheek. “Well… it does have a really high Laughter bonus. Better than any of our other bonus items, actually.” She shrugged. “Okay, fine, you can keep them. I don’t think we’ll need them, but we can keep them in the inventory for now.”
“Ha ha, yes!” Rainbow exclaimed. “In your face, Applejack!” she added, literally shoving the pair of panties into AJ’s face.
“Cut that out!” Applejack said, slapping her hoof away. “Ugh… tell me ya found them drawers in her dresser… not her hamper, right?”
“Ew, I’m not gonna steal somepony’s used underwear, Applejack!” Rainbow exclaimed, wrinkling her muzzle. “I’m not some kind of dirigible!”
“Degenerate,” Twilight corrected.
“Yeah, that too.”
The party then strolled over to the cottage next door, only to find a note had been nailed to the front door.
“Sure hope that’s not an eviction notice or we ain’t never gonna finish this quest,” Applejack grumbled, removing the note. “Let’s see what it says…”
To whom it may concern:
Since my friend thinks I am such an unseasoned adventurer who can’t handle himself, I am off again to the Old Colterian Necropolis to search for treasure, but this time I shall prove myself worthy by conquering the 10th level of the dungeon all by myself!
You may expect to see me back soon, my saddlebags weighed down with treasure!
Heroically yours,
Epic Raider
“Oh no!” Cookie Cruncher cried cacophonously. “Not the 10th level! Not even the city guard will venture down there! Please, brave adventurers, won’t you save my friend? I beg of you!”
“Aw, don’t you fret, sugarcube!” Applejack said, removing her hat and placing it over her chest. “We’ll save yer friend in no time!”
“After a visit to the item shop,” Twilight added, checking the inventory. “We didn’t pack for combat.”
“Right!” Applejack said, undeterred. “After that!”
“Oh, look!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “That Filly Scout over there is crying! And she’s got a quest marker over her head!”
They looked and saw that, indeed, a little earth pony filly with a green sash and beret was sobbing her eyes out as she sat by the side of the road.
Twilight made a face. “Fluttershy…”
“Oh come on, Twilight!” Fluttershy protested. “Her sidequest is probably on the way!”
“And it might have some cool rewards!” Rainbow added.
“Fine, fine!” Twilight relented. “You two talk to the filly, AJ and I will head to the inventory shop.”
“A-and then you’ll save my friend’s life, right?” Cookie Cruncher asked.
“Unless this turns out to be an escort quest,” Rainbow grumbled.
“What?”
“She means yes, we’ll save your friend!” Twilight said hurriedly. “Okay, ponies, let’s go! This time limit doesn’t pause for dialogue!”
A short time - but not short enough for Twilight’s liking - later, the party arrived at the entrance to the Old Colterian Necropolis deep inside the forest.
“Well, we finally made it!” Twilight said. “Though we could have made it here sooner if we hadn’t kept wandering off the path to collect pinecones every few minutes!”
Fluttershy pouted. “Well, that poor filly scout needed them for her merit badge, and her mother wouldn’t let her go into the forest to collect them!”
“Yeah, but that said,” Rainbow Dash grumbled, “why did they have to be ‘High-Quality Pinecones.’’ Why couldn’t we just pick any old pinecone off some pine trees? Nooo, they had to be random ones we picked off the forest floor… and only one in ten of those pine cones were ‘high quality’ ones!”
“Oh come on, now, Dashie!” Fluttershy protested. “You once made us watch you try to avoid lightning bolts in Cloudsdale two hundred times as part of a sidequest!”
“Hey, dodging lightning is way cooler than collecting pinecones!”
“Girls, please!” Twilight groaned. “Look, let’s just start this dungeon…”
Dungeon: The Old Colterian Necropolis
Party Members:
- Twilight Sparkle — Class: Mage
- Rainbow Dash — Class: Rogue
- Applejack — Class: Brawler
- Fluttershy — Class: Beastmaster
Are you prepared to enter this Dungeon? (Yes / No)
Twilight nodded. “Ye—”
“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. “Maybe we should go back and turn in these pinecones first!”
A collective groan went up from the party.
“Well, what if the reward is a really useful item?” Fluttershy explained. “Maybe it’ll even help us in the dungeon!”
“Oh, hey, actually that’s a good point,” Rainbow Dash said. “Maybe if we just fly back to the village real quick, we could—”
“Y’all realize some critter mighta made a snack outta Epic Raider by now as it is, right?” Applejack asked.
“Ehhh, if he dies, we can just reset this and try it again,” Rainbow shrugged.
“Aaaand now death is meaningless,” Twilight noted to herself. “Remind me to thank Discord for the existential crisis he’s given me, Fluttershy.”
“Oh, he’ll be so glad to hear that, Twilight!” Fluttershy bubbled.
“Riiiight…” Twilight said. “Anyway… Yes, we enter the dungeon.”
The 10th level of the dungeon began swiftly as a swarm of Dire Bats immediately swooped at them, their shrill screeches filling the air. (The bats, that is, not the ponies. Well, some of it was Twilight, to be fair.)
“Aww yeah, first encounter!” Rainbow Dash said, drawing out her daggers.
“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. “I’ll use charm to get them on our side!”
“Do it, Fluttershy!” Twilight yelled, ducking as the bats swarmed her. “And hurry!”
“Excuse me, little friends,” Fluttershy began, sweetly addressing the bats. “But if you’ll just calm down a minute, I’m sure we can all be friends! And I might even have some Dire Bat Snacks in my pack just for you!”
As she spoke, the image of a 20-sided die above her head tumbled several times before displaying a glowing number 14.
Fluttershy uses Charm!
Success! The Dire Bats are charmed by Fluttershy!
Pink cartoonish hearts swirled over the bats’ heads as they all swarmed to Fluttershy’s side and began to nuzzle her.
“Ugh,” Twilight said, watching the bats flock to her. “Good thing we picked up a few Rabies Potions at the item shop.”
“Wait, Fluttershy, don’t Dire Bats just eat blood?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Fluttershy nodded. “Yes, that’s right,” she replied.
Rainbow and Applejack exchanged a glance.
“Uh, in that case,” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow, “where’d ya get the blood to make Dire Bat Snacks?”
Fluttershy blinked, then, after a beat, replied, “Angel told me not to ask where he got it, and I suggest you don’t ask either, Applejack.”
Applejack made a face. “Yyyeah, think I’ll just let sleepin’ apples lie on that one.”
After a series of other encounters - most of which involved Fluttershy charming critters that emerged from the dark stone corridors of the catacombs with the occasional battle with undead skeleton ponies - as well as a few traps and secret puzzles that required all of them to coordinate standing on stones and turning levers (which made them wonder how Epic Raider managed to make it this far when he was by himself), they entered a large, circular arena and saw a pony lying in the center.
“Help!” he shouted. “Somepony help me!”
“Ha! That must be him!” Rainbow exclaimed before dashing into the arena.
“Wait, Rainbow!” Twilight shouted after her. “Let me do a Perception check to see if—”
The ground below Rainbow Dash suddenly burst open, flinging rocks and debris everywhere. A mighty roar filled the air as the dust cleared.
“I keep tellin’ ‘er,” Applejack muttered, “big ol’ circle or an extra-large room after a puzzle means a boss fight.”
Arch Dread Molworth uses Sandtrap!
Critical hit! Rainbow Dash takes 5 points of damage!
The creature before them resembled the bulky, clawed, mole-like creature known as a Dread Molworth, to be sure, but considerably larger with red eyes and a black and dark blue hide.
“Aw man, I hate palette-swap enemy bosses!” Rainbow Dash groaned as she dusted herself off.
“Okay, everypony, time to roll for Initiative!” Twilight called, and the battle began.
As the battle dragged on, but the party found themselves struggling against the mighty beast. They were all low on hit points, their healing items had been depleted, and their attacks were all useless. Fluttershy couldn’t charm the great beast, nor could her pets damage it. Rainbow Dash’s trick attacks did manage to land critical hits, but these too were offset by the creature’s thick hide. Likewise, Twilight’s magic blasts had a 20% damage penalty on them, which wasn’t helping matters. Applejack’s targeted Buck Attack worked well on the creature’s less-protected spots, but she’d repeatedly failed her evasion rolls and was taking some of the nastier hits, requiring Twilight to use her turns to heal her.
“Okay… my turn,” Twilight panted. “I use Magic Blast!”
She fired another blast at the Arch Dread Molworth (or ADM as they’d taken to calling it after a few turns).
Twilight Sparkle uses Magic Blast!
The die above her came up as a 1.
The attack misses, ricochets off an inconveniently-placed magic reflective panel somepony left on the wall of the necropolis, and comes back, hitting Twilight for 8 points of damage!
“Augh!” Twilight shouted as the blast sent her reeling back. “What the hay?! I’m one of the most talented magic users in Equestria! I would never miss that badly!”
“Natural 1, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. “Now you know how I felt when I rolled a 1 while trying to do a Sonic Rainboom and accidentally created a black hole.”
“Ugh, just… never mind, it’s your turn, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said.
Rainbow Dash paused, waiting. The ADM waited patiently, tapping its paw while she mulled her next move over.
“Oh, wait, I’ve got it!” Rainbow exclaimed. “Who has the highest Laughter status here?”
“Let’s see,” Twilight said, checking the Party Status. “Looks like it’s you, Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow blanched. “Um… by how much?”
“Just do whatever yer plannin’, Rainbow!” Applejack shouted.
“Ugh, fine… I equip the Polka Dot Panties!”
The Polka Dot Panties immediately appeared on Rainbow Dash’s nether regions as the others gawked at her. Applejack’s jaw dropped.
Applejack receives a -3 penalty to her Mind status.
“Shut up, no I don’t!” she screamed, swatting at the text box uselessly.
“And now,” Rainbow said, her cheeks burning the whole while, “I use Amuse!”
Rainbow Dash uses Amuse!
Rainbow put on a fake grin and strode up to the ADM. “Hey, Mr. Arch Dread Molworth! Do these undies make my flank look big?” she asked, wiggling her butt at the huge beast.
The die over her head rolled at came up as 10. With the +10 Laughter increase from her equipped item, however…
Success! The Arch Dread Molworth is Amused!
The ADM began to snicker before quickly collapsing into convulsive, gibbering laughter.
“Great work, Rainbow!” Twilight shouted. “Now, let’s rescue Epic Raider and escape while he’s incapacitated!”
“Wait, maybe we could, like, chuck a bomb down his throat first!” Rainbow exclaimed, rummaging through her pack. “He might have some good drops and—”
She was silenced with a withering Stare attack from Fluttershy, and the group then picked up Epic Raider and rushed back to the exit.
Back in town, the party reassembled in front of Cookie Cruncher’s house.
“I thought I was a goner,” Epic Raider said, rubbing the back of his mane. “I guess I really am pathetic, just like you thought, Cookie Cruncher.”
“I never thought you were pathetic!” Cookie Cruncher cried. “I only wanted you to stop risking your life unnecessarily! Every time you left on some crazy dungeon run, I just felt like my whole world was coming to an end! I could never understand why you insisted on going, and doing it all alone!”
“Well, I… I thought I could prove my bravery to you, Cookie,” Epic said, his cheeks coloring. “I thought if I could become the greatest hero in town, then… then maybe you’d see me as… as more than a friend…”
Twilight and Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Ooooh!” they both said, taking in the post-quest dialogue.
“Oh… oh, Epic, I—”
“Then why did you—”
“I just—”
“When I first—”
Twilight and Fluttershy looked over at Rainbow Dash.
“Skip… skip… skip…”
“Rainbow Dash, quit skipping the bucking dialogue!” Twilight bellowed.
“Fine, fine,” Rainbow said, rolling her eyes.
“Well, I guess we have a lot to talk about,” Cookie Cruncher said, putting her foreleg around Epic’s shoulders. “Thank you, brave adventurers! You’ve truly saved our friendship!”
“And given us much more,” Epic Raider said, looking into Cookie’s eyes.
“Ugh, bleh!” Rainbow gagged. “Please tell me this is the end.”
Their cutie marks all began to flash and a text box appeared over their heads that read:
Main Friendship Quest: Complete!
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash hollered, doing a midair loop.
“Yay!” Fluttershy added quietly.
“Now we can finally go home,” Twilight sighed. “We just have to… wait, where’s Applejack?”
Applejack strode up to them, a colorful rock in her hoof.
“What’s that, AJ?” Rainbow asked.
“While y’all were turnin’ in the main quest, I brought that filly those pine cones she wanted. She gave us this here rock as a reward.”
Filly Scout’s Molstone: Gives +4 bonus to actions against Molworths.
A vein bulged in Fluttershy’s forehead as she slowly turned to face the others, an icy look in her emerald eyes.
“W-well, uh… a rock that nice, I’m pretty sure we can sell it at Maud’s shop for some DBs,” Twilight suggested sheepishly.
GAME OVER
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This story was an absolute delight to read and I have rarely laughed this much over a fanfic, well done. This is good comedy through and through.
This has serious series potential. Just sayin.
Polkadots... u so silly