E

Pastel Pallet just transferred to CHS from a special school in Philadelphia for kids with severe disabilities, CHS has a special education program too, Pastel will make new friends at school.


This story is a standalone it has nothing to do with my other stories about Pastel.

This story will be on hiatus until further notice.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

Your writing style could use some work, I would say it's bad, trust me I've seen much worse and I wouldn't even put this is the bad category.

You might try some stream lining, if it can be assumed by the reader it can be cut. It would make your writing style flow much better. Like for example.

Then Celestia sat down in her chair behind her desk.

You can just say she sat down at her desk since the chair behind it is kind of obvious.

As for the story itself, it has a beginning but it doesn't really feel like it has a middle or end, she just gets to school and meets a few people and then the end. I'm not really sure what the point was.

I really recommend finding an editor. There's some really nice ones on this site who I'm sure could help you grow as an author.

Edit: just noticed it wss added to looking for an editor xD well that's good then.

Via
Via #4 · May 30th · · ·

I'd recommend changing the title to "The New Student." It might make it a little more eye catching. Same with having a picture.

Artist #5 · May 30th · · ·

10839803
Ok. Thanks

Well I decided to just a look at this since you said you could use more comments. But I'm not a big fan of Eqiestria girls so that kind of lost me pretty quick.

Artist #7 · May 31st · · ·

10840148

I hope that you still like it

Artist #9 · June 1st · · ·

10840855
Did you like this story?

Ok, this seems a little interesting.

10843554
You’re welcome.

It's no Hobbit or Game of Thrones, but so far it seems pretty good.

Your writing style lends itself well to slice of life, and you’re able to create concern for your characters very quickly. Thus far what you have is an enjoyable tale by all accounts.

May I offer some constructive criticism?

10898658
Thanks, yes you may

Something you may wish to focus upon is the act of “showing” things in your story, rather than “telling” your readers about them. In other words, conveying through description and dialogue what you might otherwise state outright.

For example, instead of

In the middle of the night, a man appeared at the brick building 221 Baker Street. His name was Albus Dumbledore, and he was a wizard. He wore sparkling white robes and half-moon glasses, and smiled a lot. He was there to see Sherlock Holmes, but was unsure that the muggle would believe he was really a wizard.

You might try something like,

The full moon shone down upon the cobblestones of Baker Street as a figure stepped out from the darkness. His pale robes shone and glittered in the moonlight as he gathered them around himself, eyes crinkling merrily behind his half-moon glasses as he surveyed his surroundings.

After a moment, he nodded to himself, producing a small object from his garment’s folds. One by one, the lamps he held it towards surrendered their light, their glows floating impossibly towards the device he held, to be trapped by his mystic power. Then, turning towards the building he had sought, he stopped.

There, leaning casually in the moonlight, stood a gaunt man in formal muggle attire and a top hat. His eyes followed everything the intruder did, missing nothing.

“Albus Dumbledore, master wizard, I presume?” the muggle asked.

The robed man nodded. “And you are?”

“I believe I am the man you are seeking,” the muggle replied. He moved away from the address plate affixed to the building’s brickwork, revealing its address: 221 Baker Street.

Dumbledore nodded again. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mister Holmes. Though I had expected, from your reputation, to have to work quite hard to convince you of my credentials.”

“And I will not say that I am completely convinced, even after observing you just now,” Mr. Holmes replied. “But it is my experience that, once we eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be the truth.”

The irony is that, at first glance, this might seem like it flies in the face of Mittens of flabbergast’s advice to streamline your work. After all, it certainly takes up more text. But both techniques work hand-in-hand very well. You in fact may find for a while that you’re going over your writing several times: first, expanding it so that you show instead of just tell what’s happening, then going over it and streamlining, then show-not-tell, then streamlining again. That’s normal for a lot of people, so if that’s how it works out for you, awesome... but that isn’t everyone’s process so don’t sweat it if that isn’t what you end up doing.

The other suggestion I would make is much more minor in the short run, especially if English is not your first language. But word repetition can be a distraction for a reader. Note, for example, in the above Dumbledore skit I didn’t call his clothing “robes” every time. I used other words that were just as accurate. Of course sometimes, a specialized word like “muggle” will have to be used more than once. In such cases one just tries not to overdo it.

Sometime again. :twilightsmile:

10898851
Thanks for your advice

10899121
My pleasure. Thank you for taking my words in the spirit they were intended. :twilightsmile:

10899202
Cool. You're welcome

Need more flowness & description, and that will makes your work great. Plus, ponifying the vocabulary will help as well.

11013777

Read the stupid tags will you this is not a pony story.

Sorry I'm just super fucking stressed

Login or register to comment