• Member Since 20th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen Yesterday

SamSwordsman123


I'm a man from California that likes to fight with swords and write stories. Author of Luster Dawn New Days, breaker of the immorality curse.

Comments ( 16 )

Nice, I love it.

I'm gonna be frank.

I think this story is more exposition than it is romance.

I mean, you do have the right idea, but you spend time on Fluttershy recapping her life than showing Discord and Fluttershy's romance.

At times, I feel I am reading a synopsis more than an actual flowery love story.

Please don't be discouraged by what I say. You did put in effort.

But you need to really follow the rule of show, don't tell.

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If I have been harsh to you, I apologize.

But I just want you to improve.

I liked this story, but just have a few small suggestions to make your story more grammatically correct. I hope that this is helpful, and I'm trying to present it as constructive criticism instead of saying that you did these things wrong.

Fluttershy looked at herself in the mirror of her small cottage. She was dressed in a white wedding dress with a green floral trim. A veil was pulled back over her mane. Her friend Rarity looked at her with a smile as she saw Fluttershy in the dress she’d made for her. Besides the fashionista pony, there was also her Mare of Honor Rainbow Dash as well as her flower fillies, the CMCs, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootalloo all with their flower baskets. Sweetie Belle had hers in her green magic which caused her basket to hover while her two friends carried theirs in their mouths. The young trio were growing up, soon they would be too old for this kind of thing. It would be their last time as flower fillies.

... The young trio was growing up. ... (This is because even though there are three of them, it is referring to their group, which is singular.)

“Oh I’m so happy for you Fluttershy! I always knew Discord had a soft spot for you,” Rarity said.

"Oh, I'm so happy for you, Fluttershy! ...

“Thank you Rarity. You know, I never thought that I would ever get married. I was always too shy to ever approach a stallion,” she said.

"Thank you, Rarity. ...

“Yes, well he should count himself lucky we all forgave him!” Rarity said. “I’m not sure which is worse, him betraying us to Tirek or uniting that centaur, Cozy Glow, and Chrysalis against us!”

"Yes, well, he ...

“And it took some effort every time,” Fluttershy said. “I guess I… I just have a timid nature. Some things just can’t chance no matter how many times you go through the experience.”

change, not chance

Suddenly the door to her cottage opened, everypony looked and saw nopony there. Then they looked down where they saw Angel Bunny in a suit. He pointed outside with a frown, telling her it was time to go.

Suddenly, the door to the cottage opened, everypony looked, and they saw nopony there. Then, they looked ...

“Well, I suppose I better go darling. See you in a moment,” Rarity said as she walked outside. Fluttershy stood there for a moment as the CMCs went to the door, stopping just short of its way out. They watched as Angel hopped over to her. He said something only she could understand.

"Well, I suppose I'd better go, darling. ...

“Umm… okay. Thank you Angel,” she said.

... Thank you, Angel ...

Fluttershy walked down the line of attendees. The CMC’s skipped along the path, throwing flowers as they did so. Discord snapped his fingers and birds chirped musically as she walked, butterflies flew around her as well. Fluttershy smiled at it. She made it to Discords side and the ceremony began.

... as she walked; butterflies flew around her as well. ... Discord's, not Discords

Spike who was standing by Twilight’s side, came forward and held the rings out. Discord took his ring and put on his clawed hand. Fluttershy’s had been put on a necklace which Spike wrapped around her neck. She looked up at Discord who smiled down at her. She spread her wings and flew up just high enough, then wrapped her hooves around him and planted a deep kiss on his lips. She then heard a snapping sound followed by rain falling. She felt only a few drops hit her before she looked and saw chocolate rain falling from the sky. Then Discord put an umbrella up to cover them.

Spike, who was standing by Twilight's side, came ... Discord took his ring and put it on his clawed hand.

“No keep it coming! This is tasty!” Pinkie said as she stuck her tongue out to get as much chocolate as possible.

"No, keep it coming! ...


Have a great day!

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Some of these I consider useful. Thank you. I did some of the other stuff to be true to the personality of the characters as much as possible.

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You're welcome. Also, that does make good sense and it is your story, so you can do whatever you want with it.

I like the story especially with the pic you used for it, it's from bride of discord

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Yeah I just picked a random good picture.

“I nearly fainted when Discord proposed,” Fluttershy said to Rarity. “When he did… I… I just flew away! I couldn’t believe he actually wanted me as his bride! Shy little me! Why in Equestria would he ever want me as his bride?"

Um...your Magical Female Powers(tm)?

“Yes, well he should count himself lucky we all forgave him!” Rarity said. “I’m not sure which is worse, him betraying us to Tirek or uniting that centaur, Cozy Glow, and Chrysalis against us!”

Yeah it's definitely the worst thing he ever done to us but again I don't hate him he's cool

Awww this was a very cute short story how Discord and Fluttershy became a couple and not only that gotten married this was really nice keep up the good work

:raritystarry: What is it Spikey?
:moustache: Um... Aw.... um ...
:flutterrage: Say it Spike! you can do it! Ask her!
:duck: He fainted
:facehoof: After all these years,,,
:raritywink: When he wakes up tell him to be prompt and it's six o'clock. Don't leave a lady waiting
:twilightoops: Really?
:yay: Discord will make sure of it...If that's okay

Is cute and it it nice to see them together!

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