That's A Lot Of Cooks
Dear Spanner,
First, my apologies for contacting you in this exact manner. I recognize that the vast majority of ponies aren't used to seeing this kind of scroll arrival. I did try to time things so that it would find you alone in your office, but it's quite possible that I startled you and for that, I am truly sorry. However, there is a necessity which dictated using this form of magic, and I'll discuss it with you before the end of the letter.
But before that happens, I want to talk about your having accepted the palace's commission to construct the latest iteration of the Seabiscuit Bridge. Something I truly appreciate, as retaining the services of one of the most promising young architects of the current generation hadn't been in my original plans. I did recognize that you'd spent your career up until now doing private work, and have been reluctant to take on government contracts. Having you agree to take on this project gives me real hopes for its success. A triumph which, if all goes well, will be a lasting one.
It would be nice to have any such triumph actually last.
By my count, this will be the eleventh such version of the span. (If it doesn't detract from your own design, I wouldn't mind a small memorial plaque honoring the others at the western anchor) Most of the world is familiar with Canterlot's waterfalls, if only from seeing pictures in tourist guides and on some of the bestselling postcards. What very few ever seem to consider is that the water has to land somewhere. We've had rivers running near the mountain's base since the very beginning, and that has meant most of the early land-based approaches to the capital had to ford them before beginning the true ascent. Bridges were an easy solution, at least after we gave up on ferries. And after giving up on ferries (or rather, on overcharging ferry captains who knew that very few ponies would try to find a way around), we had to give up on bridge tolls. Quickly. The latter is a lesson which Manehattan's current mayor may only learn after discovering that her financially-burdened citizens still get to vote her out for free.
There's just about always been a bridge over the main river. The problem is that those bridges have worn out. Materials weaken over time. Reinforcing spells wear off. The cumulative vibrations from hooves and cart wheels can do its share of damage. We keep having to replace the bridge, and each attempt to make something which would last has, for the most part, only allowed us to discover a new group of problems before ultimately commissioning a replacement.
Take the current version and once you're finished doing that, I will look forward to your taking it apart. It seemed like such a good idea at the time... and that time has passed.
A turntable bridge felt like such an innovation. A nearly-flat surface, with no true initial climb involved before starting the wearying journey up the mountain? Let ponies rest while they still can. But of course, that blocks the river -- except that the bridge is capable of rotating. The entire span twisting ninety degrees away from the banks, allowing passage down the river's flow whenever anypony needs it. The few boats which take that route could still use the waterway and at all other times, ponies could cross.
I wanted to embrace that innovation. So I pressed it between my forehooves, and called it a wonder. Or rather, a machine, as no magic was involved. It really couldn't be, as unicorns strong enough to simply rotate the span with their corona don't exactly come along every day.
In retrospect, I should have spent more time considering the long-term problems.
When Seabiscuit10 was built, we had very little river traffic. Ponies have never been much of a sailing species: we simply aren't built for it. But in the decades that passed, a number of Canterlot's upper class decided that a weekend spent in gentle floating was a relaxing way to pass the time, and that number never truly dwindled. Additionally, there's always been a small amount of goods delivered to the mountain's base via ship. In the last five years, that has been joined by a new trend: houseboats. (Given the multiple difficulties encountered when one's entire residence shifts with the tides, I suspect houseboats are mostly a way for ponies to see if I can find some way of applying property tax to a river.) There has been an increasing daily call for that turntable to turn. And when it comes to how that's done...
As most ponies have never been inside the operator house balanced over the top railings of Seabiscuit10 and don't know what's actually feeding the great belts, I'm attaching a diagram.
I think you can see part of the problem. But it's not just having ponies trotting along the treadmills, and the sheer numbers it takes to transfer their momentum into that of the bridge. That particular crew is unionized, which makes the workers hard to replace. None of them ever wished to quit: it's simple labor in a pleasant, enclosed setting. They can talk to each other while they work, they often mount a novel to the front of their stations so they'll have something to discuss (at high volume), and their government-compensated book club has been hosted for a very long time -- with no real turnover in membership.
Some of the ponies in that operator house have been trotting on the same treadmills for fifty years. Let's just say the loss of speed has been measurable. And they have to turn the bridge more than ever -- or, to save on effort, they frequently turn it to the OPEN position and just leave it there for a while, in case something else comes along. Such as river serpents. Recent events have led the more genial breed of river serpent to feel that Equestria might be a rather pleasant place to live, and they travel down the waterways accordingly. When it comes to Seabiscuit10, they can take a very long time going through. And while they're doing so, along with the regular water trade, boat travelers attempting to relax, and those inexplicable houseboats, we get long backup lines of ponies and carts.
Those ponies generally mutter to themselves in increasing frustration while they wait to see if the bridge will ever turn back. Then they start to get angry. And then a few of them look for somepony to take it out on. They can't reach the operator house and after this many years, the current crew is factually half-deaf to their cries. But there's all those ponies around them...
Seabiscuit10 is worn out, and has also worn out its welcome. The capital's police no longer find posting rookies on both sides of the span to be amusing, especially when so few of them ever decide to come back. With the current bridge crew effectively about to all retire at once, I have no intention of replacing them. I want to replace the BRIDGE. And I'm hoping that you're the pony who can create something which doesn't have to be replaced again in a hundred and twenty years.
I'm also hoping you'll start with something basic. A gentle climb going up, a nice view of the river at the peak, and an easy slope heading down. The arch should be high enough for all current ships to pass beneath, plus some extra in case we get a fashion for extra sails. That's the desire of your client -- who, in this case, happens to be the palace.
But you're the architect. One who has been reluctant to take on public works projects, because the desires of a single pony are hard enough to satisfy. And I'll tell you something which isn't quite a secret: when a public works project gets announced, the public feels the need to get involved. It's one of the perils which comes with being part of a herd species. Too many ponies will suddenly feel the urge to contribute some typically poor ideas, while feeling that the project head has an obligation to listen.
Now: in the past, some of those ideas have been good ones. But you're typically not going to find much wheat among the chaff. For this job, your client is the palace. I'm trusting you to complete it, and look forward to personally meeting you after Seabiscuit11 is opened for traffic. (Given what this year has been like, I doubt I'll be able to so much as fly over the site before that.) But I know the citizenry is going to try to get a hoof in the door. It's what they do. I have the subbasement rooms flooded with mail to prove it. And some builders can be overwhelmed by all of the demands, feeling that they have to follow whatever the will of the herd is -- when the herd is pulling in fifty directions at once. They lose a single strong concept in the wake of a thousand bad ones. It's ruined projects before this, and I don't want to see it destroy this bridge.
And that brings us to why I sent you a scroll in this manner.
Once the news of this project goes public, you will be receiving missives from the herd. There's no way to avoid that. You can read as many or as few as you like, although my personal experience would encourage you towards the low end. But there is a simple instruction attached to that. An official order from the palace, if you like. Because this is the style of communication I wanted to establish with you, even when it's unlikely that we'll speak again until after you and your crew finish the job.
In short: unless a letter arrives within another flash of light, you should feel free to disregard it.
I look forward to seeing your solidified dream.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear lead (fellow!) designer,
Before we proceed to my rather minor innovation, I must confess to a touch of envy. Will you allow me that, to openly declare that I am jealous of what you will accomplish? For my part, I am used to working with softer, much less durable materials, at least for that which forms the base of my creations. To work in stone, to make something which will truly endure... it is not a talent I possess, and yet it is one which I freely admit to admiring. Imagine creating that which will be seen and used for generations to come! It is a dream where my very soul feels as if it can barely encompass the sheer degree of majesty.
And it is in the name of those generations that I write to you now.
I saw the sketches of your initial design in the newspaper, of course! I imagine that so many have seen them. And I would hardly speak to you of stonework, at least when it came to anything other than the precious kind: such is simply not my expertise! But I do have my categories of knowledge, as do we all. And it is regarding my particular genius (too strong a word, I know, but there are few others) which I wish to discuss with you now.
The lines of your stonework... elegant. But I fear there is something you have not considered.
You are working in stone. Cold, dreary, non-precious stone. (I know only one pony who truly appreciates such appearances, and please trust me when I say that she is rather unlikely to openly display her approval. Or much of anything else, really.)
Of course, I would hardly expect anypony to construct a bridge from gems: even with the best binding agents in play, they would never bear the weight. And marble, while refined, would wear away too quickly under so much hoof traffic. You wish to create art which will last. Additionally, I see no point in asking that you change your base material. When one has realized that cotton would be perfect, hearing a request to change into linen is simply offensive. You are the master of your art, and you have judged that stone is best. I accept that, as one creator to another.
But why not create Art?
Because all you currently have is -- well, to be frank about it, what you mostly seem to have is shades of grey. There is a deep grey, a dark grey, a somewhat lighter tone, and I saw one pile of quarry stone labeled as The Old Grey Mare. Which I recognize as a traditional color for bridgework, but in my opinion, it is not what it used to be.
You will have ponies literally traveling from gallops around to utilize your creation! (Or, rather more practically, to see the capital -- but I find that maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem can require just a touch of willful, strictly temporary delusion.) And in my experience, very few will truly stop to THINK about what you have wrought. There is a bridge, and it has to be crossed. The art which was required to allow that... they simply will not ponder it.
And part of that is because all they will see is grey. A color which, even in a bulk of shades, does little more than encourage them to cross all the faster.
So why don't we change that? Together!
Enclosed please find my sketches of how the bridge should ideally be hued. (Or rather, the way I currently see as the ideal, for I must further confess that your creation has been on my mind as of late, and I can readily see myself coming up with something even MORE ideal! If so, I will certainly update you accordingly.) Can you not see how it calls to the eye? How the colors demand attention while setting up a permanent encampment in the viewer's memory, especially as closing one's eyelids only allows the afterimage more time to burn within? I am certain that you can visualize exactly that.
But I am hardly asking you to change your materials! Because ALSO enclosed is the formula to create a potion drenching treatment for the stone! I have consulted a zebra, and she assured me that using this wash will allow the hues to saturate the very minerals themselves, with no change to their nature! Oh, there was admittedly something about perhaps a 1% progressive breakdown in overall material strength and durability with each treatment, but as this should only need to be done once (or twice, or perhaps up to five, ten times if I find myself even MORE inspired), that hardly adds up to anything at all!
Dear lead (and fellow!) designer, I do hope that we shall properly cooperate -- nay, collaborate! -- in this fashion. (Do forgive what might be seen as the pun: it was strictly unintentional.) I truly look forward to seeing what we might accomplish TOGETHER! In the name of creating Art.
And isn't that what is truly most important?
So I was going under your bridge the other night, or what's there of it so far. You'd think it would be kind of hard to miss, especially with the way that really hot white and red hit the water under full Moon. I'm pretty sure Moon was full because most of the reflection was going off the water and some of it stayed intact that far up. A red Moon looks weird.
You'd think the bridge would be hard to miss. But you've got this little wind crosscurrent which you probably didn't know about, with your not being a pegasus and all. (That's totally not your fault.) So I didn't miss it.
I mean, I missed the crosscurrent. And then I didn't miss the bridge. At all. But I'm sure you already saw that part and you've probably even finished putting it back, so let's get to the important stuff.
So I was talking to some friends the other day, and they were mostly doing stupid stuff like talking back while not really listening to what I was saying or they would have stopped doing the talking back part. But one of them was saying something about double-duty. Like how if you're making something, it sort of helps if it does a couple of things at once. So just for example, let's say you're doing something really dumb and pointless, like growing a tree. I don't really know why most ponies would do that because there aren't many trees with good napping branches. Trees mostly get in the way and even for the ones which have fruit, ponies get upset when you take it. It's like they don't understand that when you're flying around their dumb trees at high speed, you get hungry and the fruit's there anyway, so if they had to block the best thermal with wood, they owe me something and what's their problem?
Anyway, growing a tree. That's stupid. But if you grow it so that it's hollow inside while still being alive and healthy, then you stick a library in it which doesn't have enough adventure books ever, and maybe you put a pointless boring lab in the basement and a little sleeping nook upstairs which doesn't have the mattress aligned perfectly with the balcony door in case somepony needs it for a crash landing no matter how much you ask or try to move it when she isn't looking, then maybe the tree isn't quite as dumb. It's doing lots of stupid stuff instead of the one really dumb thing, which is being a tree that doesn't move out of the way for pegasus traffic. It still doesn't do that, but maybe it's got more of an excuse.
So I didn't miss your bridge. A bridge that's only kind of dumb when you're a pegasus, because everypony else has to use it and I feel sort of bad about that. And while I was waiting for the two-minute concussion self-protocol to clear, I was thinking about the fact that pegasi aren't gonna really use your bridge, because what's the point? It's just there. It's something in the way, which I sort of proved last night.
It's in the way.
Let's make it even MORE in the way.
So I drew some stuff up. These are columns, in case you couldn't tell. (You're an architect, so you probably could.) And you plant a bunch of them under the bridge. That turns it into an OBSTACLE COURSE, and that's what the pegasi can do with it! Because we're not going to be crossing it, at least not in a way where it, you know, gets used or anything. But we can go under it. We can weave in and out of the columns. Try for speed runs. See who gets the fastest time, and then I'll beat that.
You'll need a place to post fastest times. This picture is where I think the leaderboard should do. And you need to make sure nopony cheats. Some ponies write down times they never had. I could name names for a while, but it's probably easiest to just ban this pony from the race. Here's her picture, and here's some coloring I did to show what she might look like with fur dye. You could just ban her by name, but she might not be calling herself Lightning Dust any more.
Anyway, once you've got the columns in place (which is obviously so easy that I don't need to know how to do it), I'll set up the rest of it. I can get some really tricky winds going under there. Something that'll make it even MORE of a challenge. And I know, before you say anything (not that you can, because you'd be talking to a scroll), there has to be some room for the dumb ships to get between them. I thought of that on the fourth draft. That's why there's the clear space in the middle or as I'm calling it, The Wimp Zone. That's for the ones who can't deal with the challenge, or just can't fly because that's something which exists too. Should be plenty of space for the dumb boats, not that I measured or anything because you know, boats. They're stupid. And the river serpents can just wind their way around, as long as that one doesn't start whining because his mustache bumped something.
So the columns make the bridge do double-duty. It's a bridge, and it's an obstacle course. That makes it better! And also less dumb. Maybe the columns can even take some of the weight? I use columns a lot when I build, but weight isn't as much of a factor. And I could totally make a bridge if I wanted to, but most ponies couldn't use it. Or reach it. Which is really kind of sad.
Anyway, just let me know when you've got the columns in and I'll do the wind part. Oh, and I go through first. That way, everypony has to beat MY time.
Not that they ever will. But it's good to have a dream.
I'm really sorry for taking your time like this, and I want you to know that I don't blame you in any way. You didn't know. You couldn't have known, because there's no one you could have talked to about it. I'm the one who has to do the talking, and then I have to tell you about it or you still wouldn't know.
That would make it my fault, doesn't it?
I'm sorry about everything being my fault.
The thing you didn't know and couldn't have known (which is my fault, and not yours) is that the old Seabiscuit Bridge was part of the migration path for the Green-Crested Warbler. Sort of. It was really more or less under the path, because the old bridge wasn't very tall and the Warblers just went over it. They've been going over it for a very long time. And the thing about Warblers, which you also didn't know and I'm very sorry for not mentioning it earlier, is that they don't all migrate at once. A few of them go ahead of the flock.
It's not like they're scouting it out. Scouting would mean turning around and telling the others about what they saw, and whether it was safe to go. Warblers don't turn very well. Or think about turning. Or think. The ones who migrate early are the ones who can't remember when the real migration time is. But the early ones still go early, and a few of them went through where the new bridge is being built. You probably saw them. And I want to apologize for the ones who hit your ponies because they couldn't turn in time. The birds, I mean. I'm sure the ponies tried to get out of the way, but Warblers are very bad flyers. Sometimes I think they're on the verge of forgetting how to do that too.
They're not smart. They follow the same path every year because that path is sort of in their feathers. It isn't in their minds, because it would take up too much room. They really don't think about things like going around or, like you probably saw, dodging. (I'm very sorry about the lack of dodging.) And I tried telling them that the bridge is going to be there now and once it's complete, they would need to do something or there would be a lot of green feathers going into stone. Which isn't good for the Warblers. I don't know if the green really works with that cerulean part either.
I tried talking to them, I really did! But they just sort of blinked at me. I can talk to their ears (which are really hard to find, because they're birds), but I don't have words which go all the way into their feathers and hatch through eggs so the next Warblers will already know what to do.
I could probably lead them through because they see me as a bigger, smarter Warbler who's been sort of sick and that's why her feathers are the wrong color. But because their migration season is so spread out, I'd have to stay around the bridge all the time, for about two moons. Maybe two and a half, because some of the really dumb ones forget on the late side. I can't leave work for anywhere near that long. An afternoon is hard enough. Besides, they said something about the wind being weird there. And there was maybe something about really narrow round mountains?
So I went out to where the bridge was being built, late last night. (I'm sorry if this means I trespassed. I tried not to get too close. Please let me know if I broke the law and I'll just turn myself in.) And I took a few Warblers with me. I watched how they were trying to get through, and I mapped it. Then I took them all home, promised I'd never do that again, and gave them a nice massage. And painkillers. Some of them needed painkillers.
I never should have let them do that. But it was the only way to know. And I did find out what the problem was. Other than their being too dumb to adjust, which they really can't help. Please don't hate them for it. You can hate me for giving you extra work, and I'll understand that because I can understand things. I'll understand if you hate me.
Please don't hate me.
But this is the only way to save them.
The problem is this part of the bridge, right here. I marked it on the picture. This is the part which is in their way. So what you have to do is make a downslope in the middle of the western upslope. It's a dip in the road! And once that's done, they'll have their path clear again. You'll have saved the Warblers! I think that's very important, saving birds. Especially when they're not smart enough to save themselves.
I'm including a sketch of what the dip should look like. I hope it's not too much trouble for the ponies who are crossing. The drop looks a little sharp, but I'm not an architect and maybe you can smooth that out, where I couldn't? I'm sorry about not having a mark for smoothing things out, even if you wouldn't have known about the problem without the mark I do have. And I'm sorry about the problem too, and all the work you'll have to do in solving it. But that work is necessary, because ponies can think to work where birds can't. But I am worried about that drop. Not as much as I'm worried about the climb back out, though. But I'm sure that's easier than just lowering the whole bridge.
I was thinking that maybe if you put a rope there, it would give ponies something to bite on while they planted their hooves. They'd feel more secure that way. Feeling secure is very important.
I hope I find out what that feels like one day.
I'm sorry for taking so much of your time.
Oh, and I'm sorry that you had to read through so many apologies.
Sorry...
...and now that I have both hopefully and thoroughly established that point, let me move on to my fourth.
As I was saying to a friend just last moon, it almost always helps when something can serve two purposes at once, because time is a limited commodity and making some of it serve double-duty just frees up more hours for being with one's friends. For example, I like to read when I go out for a trot. This is done through simply bringing the book along and turning the pages as I move, allowing me to combine necessary travel time with the constant process of learning. It's just more efficient that way!
Now clearly this only applies for those travels where I have to trot at all. It's rather obvious that the process of teleportation does not allow for reading time. Reading while flying, however, is simple cruelty. To the BOOKS. Have you ever thought about what constant travel into what's effectively a permanent headwind would do to the pages? I have, and it is to my eternal regret that I originally thought of it three seconds too late. And to have only half of my friends attend that poor volume's funeral...
In any case, as the bridge is involved, flight will clearly not be a problem. And reading is NEVER a problem, no matter what some ponies might claim when they see me doing it. The claims that I am a hazard to navigation are simply absurd. I know precisely where I'm going, so why do I need to pay any attention to the road? The travel portion accomplishes itself. Furthermore, given the size of the books I prefer to peruse during such journeys, one would think that the sheer spacial volume of the hardcovers would make it all the easier to see me coming and ponies would get out of the way in time accordingly. Any problem which might be claimed to exist is the fault of those who are not using their trots to read. Because if they were reading, they would understand.
Ponies don't read enough. And if a problem exists (which I'm sure it doesn't), it would only be because everypony isn't reading at the same time.
Which brings me back to your bridge.
That plaque on the western bank? It isn't enough. Yes, it's a good first step, but what is a first step except the ideal prelude to the remaining journey? And having thought about what some ponies have said to me regarding my reading while trotting and being polite enough to briefly contemplate the words of those who shouted -- really, it's two thousand pages and you didn't see it in time to not have it ram the base of your tail? -- I once again realized what the true problem was. That we weren't ALL reading.
I understand that you're doing something -- something? Something... with the colors on the sides of the bridge. I'm sure the columns are there for a reason, although I currently fail to see what it is. (The little ships seem to be having trouble working it out. Are the columns present to slow them down if they go too fast? The wind certainly seems to be carrying them into the stone with high frequency.) And I'm assuming the dip is due to some requirements of physics with which I am unfamiliar, and that's after three weeks of research. But I certainly understand reading.
You're working with the sides of the bridge. The area beneath it. That still leaves the span itself.
Do you know what one of the first steps is in reading? Providing something TO read.
Which requires having something to write on.
At this time, I ask that you turn to Diagram 14-S.
Isn't it beautiful? I'm sure the full passages from the book can be carved into the bridge's portion of the road with hardly any trouble at all! The main problem comes in two parts: making them large enough to read, and arranging everything in reverse order because ponies will be moving towards the next precious word. Additionally, did you ever notice that many ponies who are pulling carts tend to trot with their heads down? That will make it all the easier to start reading, and enter the joy of a true Literary Journey.
Now of course, you don't have to use that exact book. It's just there for an example. Ideally, we should be utilizing something which most ponies have never read, and could still turn to time and time again. Consult List 48-X for multiple examples. My personal preference would be #137, which is why I have quoted the relevant passages (oh, what a lovely pun! Passages read during a passage! I didn't know that was coming at all!) in full within the third Addendum, sent under separate cover. I'm told that given the length of the original document, the bridge's full span would still count under Fair Use. And could you possibly make part of the western ascent a little steeper, to match the growing tension in the reader's heart? Environment as echo to emotion!
(At this time, I waited for my spontaneous prancing to stop and then paused to draw up 93R. I have marked the exact changes to the angles for your convenience.)
My main concern is making the letters legible. This doesn't just mean carving out the shapes: it requires having them be distinct against the stone. They might be too shadowed under Sun, and of course reading them under Moon is the dominion of but one pony.
There are various means by which this could be accomplished. But paint becomes dirty and eventually wears away. Glow spells would both require regular recasting and be annoying to the eye during the day.
So why not let true light serve as your guide?
Carve the letters ALL the way through! Let the river serve as the background page! Then you just need a light source below the bridge at night, which might even help the ships to steer. Words will emblazon themselves into the mind! Fur will be dappled with Literature! And as a side benefit, having the letters fully carved out will give ponies a place to plant their hooves with extra security while navigating that strange (but assuredly required) dip. And it's not as if the removed stone was doing anything important anyway! Oh, I'm sure that some might argue that it's risking a little structural integrity, but that really shouldn't be a problem unless you've already been doing things which weakened the stone.
I hope you consider this to be a Trial Run, or at least a Trial Read. (It's not as good a joke as the first one. Maybe I thought it over too much. Is humor best when it's spontaneous? I may have to set that aside for another scroll.) But what I truly hope is that you're ready to join me in this Great Experiment. You will, of course, receive all due credit in the inevitable journal articles, as the pony who made Stage One possible.
After this works out, I'm going to see when we can start applying it to some of the main roads.
Now I've been doing my best not to complain. I understand that this is your job. It sure ain't mine. It's just that we've reached the point where yours is starting to interfere with mine, and that's where I've got to put a hoof down. I've been taking the old bridge a lot these days, because I've got business in the capital and the train can't carry all of it.
It's just that time of year. I spend some hours in Canterlot, bringing things in. And I get stuck at the old bridge, waiting for the turntable to rotate. There's a lot of ponies who get stuck, and we all do the same thing. We stop (because we're already stopped) and we stare at YOUR bridge. There's a lot to stare at. Those weird angles and the columns? The colors? The way Sun seems to shine all the way through? I can't question any of that. I'm not a builder. It's not my place.
What I'm questioning is the WORK. Because I look at your bridge a lot these days. Days which should have seen the new bridge finished TWO MOONS AGO.
I get to see your crew. What I mostly get to see them doing is NOTHING. They stand around on the span, looking scared all the time. I don't know why they look so scared. The earth ponies and unicorns, they've got safety harnesses and I'm sure you wouldn't go hiring ponies who are afraid of heights. Which sure doesn't explain why the pegasi are so worked up, because what have they got to worry about?
The few times I see them move, it's all gingerly. Like they're afraid something's going to fall apart under their hooves. What kind of skittish crew are you taking on, anyway? And what kind of pony doesn't even know how to tow a cart? Because I've seen the ones who bring the carts up. Yeah, that angle is weird (but I'm sure you've got a reason for it), but they don't seem to have much trouble digging their hooves in. At least until the sweat breaks out. They sweat too much for ponies who are just hauling little carts.
Maybe if they knew how to haul it properly, I wouldn't have to keep watching the wheels bounce and jitter all the time. I'd sure never haul anything that clumsily. Things would come apart. Like the carts. Have you been losing any carts? Maybe you'd better train your crew in basic pulling, so that'll stop and you don't have to lose any of them. The carts. And the crew.
Even if you maybe should on the second bit. Because it's TWO MOONS PAST DEADLINE, or at least what the first articles said was gonna be it. What are y'all doing up there? I'll tell you what I see ponies doing. NOTHING. They stay in one place and look down a lot. Sometimes it seems like the wind's whipping up through their manes, and that just tells me that a couple of the pegasi on your crew are playing around up there because how does wind whip UP through a bridge?
Look, I'm not asking you to fire anypony. I'm sure they've got families who depend on their working for you. I don't want to cause any upheaval. I just want them to actually do the WORK. Because two moons over is two moons too long. A deadline's a promise, and a lot of ponies don't see that. You've broken yours already, and there's times when that turns the promise into a lie -- if you knew for a fact you could do the work in that time, and if you knew you couldn't, the lie came in from another angle.
Biting off more than you could chew, that's another story. I'll understand that. And that damage is done. But maybe you can keep it from getting any worse.
It's pretty basic when you think straight. You've only got to have them on a half-shift each. They can even pick. Sun-raising to Sun-lowering is probably gonna be the favorite half, but if you want to pick up the pace, you'll need some crew under Moon and believe me, I WILL be coming by under Moon to check. Give them wake-up juice. Coffee, if they can stand it. If they tell you they're tired, give them five minutes somewhere and then they start again, because the way I figure it, they've saved up days' worth of five minutes from all that time of just doing nothing.
They say tired ponies make mistakes? How can your crew be tired? They haven't been making anything but sweat, and their bodies do that on the lonesome! They're rested! So get them to WORK!
There is a JOB and you need to GET IT DONE.
Next time I come by, I want to see ponies WORKING. And I'm not telling you when that is, which is my not-so-subtle way of telling you that I want to see ponies working ALL THE TIME.
I WILL CHECK.
SEE IF I DON'T.
(Also, let me know what you're feeding them. A good meal can be a powerful incentive for a decent crew, along with a way of getting through the end of the shift. If I think the menu's lacking, I'll bring some samples by.)
...and I'm really really sorry for writing you this late, especially when the bridge is just about to be officially done! And opened! (I didn't think you'd wrap it up so fast, after all the delays. I hope you didn't push too hard.) But I took some time to put it all together, because that's what a celebration needs! I know a lot of ponies think it just all comes together out of nowhere, but a good party takes planning. Sometimes those plans are so complicated that you need a mark for making them. And sometimes you get distracted for a few seconds because you're thinking about trying to cheer up the really nice but really really lonely pony you met earlier, and you're thinking so hard about that, you don't notice that you put hot sauce out on the refreshment table.
And by 'you,' I mean 'me.' But don't worry. I haven't done that since.
(By 'you,' I also meant 'I'. Equestrian is silly like that.)
So I've been by the bridge (because it's really a bridge now, isn't it? Even if it looks a little weird. And hard to climb. And holey. Plus there's a dip. But I'm not a builder, so I guess that's on purpose?) a few times. And your poor ponies, they all look so stressed! And tired. Plus they're sort of weak, and I'm sure they shouldn't be sweating quite that much. But the bridge is about to be opened, and I know that was just going to be a little ribbon-cutting with maybe the Princess coming by to congratulate you after. I just don't think that's enough, because your poor crew is so stressed and tired.
That's why I'm going to give them a party.
Now it's not going to be a very long one, because they're tired. It might have to be a little bit loud, but that's mostly just to keep them awake. There's definitely going to be cushions all over the ground so they can just rest while I bring them things, because I think rest is the best thing I could give them for a party gift. The music is just so they don't fall asleep and have their snouts slump into their mugs. Because ponies make funny sounds when they start breathing grape juice, and they don't make them for very long. I'd rather not hear those sounds. Or suck grape juice out of nostrils, which is what you're supposed to do and I'm happy to help, but it looks funny and tastes worse.
We'll do it early, okay? Before the ribbon gets cut and ponies start to make their way over the new Seabiscuit! And the old one can be retired, which I guess means mostly it gets turned into scrap? I've been trying to think of it as reincarnation. It'll be reborn as a lot of firewood. And stone bits. And metal. I guess somepony can do something with that. Maybe sculpture. Do you like sculpture? I guess you probably do, because that's what a bridge is, right? Sculpture you travel over! With funny colors. And columns. And I guess the wind is supposed to do something? Maybe it holds things up a little more?
I like the dip, by the way. I know a joke about a dip. It goes like this, but you have to do it while you're trotting.
'See that sign in the road? It says DIP. What's a DIP?'
And then you fall through the floor!
Ponies keep telling me that's the hard part. I don't see it.So we'll have the party, and after that, I have something special planned!
Normally surprises are best, so I don't want you to tell your crew about it. Or my friends, because I'm going to be bringing them all with me, along with a bunch of ponies who've been watching the bridge get built for a bunch of moons now. They're all just waiting to use it. Some of them said they were trying to figure out how it could be used at all, but I think that's just a joke. Anyway, don't tell anypony except yourself, after I tell you.
So this is sort of the bridge's birthday, right? The very first one, which is what doesn't get celebrated properly when somepony -- somebridge? -- is born, and that's a little weird. But we're going to celebrate this time! And I wasn't sure what to do about celebrating for a bridge. But it has ships going underneath and it turns out that there's something for ships being born! Or launched. So I thought we'd borrow from that and the ships wouldn't mind.
What you do for ships is that you get some wine bottles and smash them against the hull. Or the keel. Or some other part, because ships have a lot of sections with weird names. And then the ships can go somewhere, since nopony has to suck wine out of their snouts and they aren't sailing drunk anyway. A bottle or two isn't enough to get a whole big ship drunk.
So I'm going to kick some wine bottles into the columns. And that'll launch the bridge!
Now, I bet you're saying, 'But how can you be sure the bottles will smash properly?' I'm an earth pony, silly! (You don't have to apologize for not knowing that, because you aren't looking at me. Just a letter which sounds like me in your head. Or what you think I sound like. Do I have a nice voice?) And I wanted to make this very special, so I got some special wine. I ordered it from kirin territory, because they're the only ones who know how to make it. And the only ones who can drink it, because they said (now that they can talk again) it's really really high in acid. I know wine is always a little acidic and that's part of what gives it the taste, but from what the kirin said, this kind is usually about five seconds away from burning out of the bottle. Which means the bottle should break really easily, because I've had this wine for a couple of moons longer than I thought I would and sometimes I think I see fumes coming up from around the cork.
Which isn't cork. It's boron nitride.
You probably need to be a rock farmer to know what that is, and I don't think you are one. (If you are, we'll talk later.) But it means I'm really really sure you shouldn't ever drink this unless you're a kirin. It should be fine for kicking, though! With padded hoof guards on, so nothing smashes on me. And the columns should be fine! If I aim for the base, the water lapping up will wash it off quick!
Unless it really really splashes. Does kirin wine splash in weird ways?
It's a party! And it's also science! I bet that'll make everything extra-fun!
But I'm really sorry about contacting you this late. It's so late that I'm having this sent from the road, which is why my mouthwriting is so bad because I've been writing this as we all got closer to the bridge. But I'm going to send the letter after these last sentences, which I hope gives you enough warning because I think we'll be about seven minutes behind it.
So it's an Almost Surprise Party! With Science! For the first birthday of a bridge, which is also the day it's born and that's really really important. And you're the architect, so it's almost like your own foal is being born, isn't it? I hope you're proud.
Don't worry. Every foal looks a little weird when they've just been born. The columns are something it can probably grow into.
Make that six minutes. (Oh, I hope you read fast!) See you soon!
FIRST DRAFT. NOT FOR SENDING.
Dear Spanner,
So in retrospect, I should have been somewhat more specific.
On the technical level, a scroll which appears out of a burst of dragon flame has, in fact, arrived in a flash of light.
At this point, I'm simply thankful that nopony was hurt. Having the Bearers close to hoof helped with that. They are rather talented at saving ponies from disasters. I'm dearly hoping for the day when they learn not to START the disaster which they just saved ponies from.
Of course, nopony had any way to see that coming. Unless they'd just read through all of your correspondence, and I appreciate that you saved every last page of it. Given that Twilight was involved, I fully intend to reimburse you for the cost of your storage locker. But with all of the color treatments which had been applied across the various pattern revisions and their weakening effect on the stone, the wind wafting the kirin wine almost straight up while the letter-holes allowed for a smooth distribution of the -- 'liquid' will have to suffice here -- and of course the dip allowed for the perfect drip angle and inwards collapse point once everything had already started to liquefy... I wouldn't have expected a stressed-out, heavily-overworked crew to have spotted any of that.
None of this is your fault. I can't stress this enough, and that is why I'm about to resort to full capitals: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I've already said as much to the press. That's why I want you as the lead architect on Seabiscuit12. However, this will have to wait until the environmental impact statements from the wine are finished. With any luck, this will also be the time required for the river serpents to sober up.
Please don't ask me about the river serpents.
Three of them are still singing.
It's four in the morning and none of them are in the same key.
You don't have to say yes. I'll fully understand if you refuse. But your reputation should never be sullied by yesterday's events. And the best way to recover, both professionally and emotionally -- after I make sure everypony knows this was in no way your fault -- is to get the next one right.
And in the event that you do say yes, we are going to put an additional security measure in place.
The herd will still try to get involved. You don't have to listen.
When it comes to a certain group of mares, I have instructed Spike that should they approach him with an idea for the bridge which may take at least a week for Rainbow, because she tends towards speaking aloud as she writes and given the sheer amount of Canterlot Royal Voice I just put them all through, it's going to be about that long before she can hear herself again, he is to present them with a pre-addressed stamped envelope. Once posted, this will send all such letters directly to me.
Any other pony would normally add something about 'and the incinerator' here, but I don't really need to use one.
But I want you to feel safe. That your vision is yours alone, and will not be interfered with. So we're taking one more step.
The image immediately below this paragraph is an enlarged and colorized version of the official palace watermark. I'm also enclosing one of the little lenses we use to check for it when it's rendered at normal scale. This also shows whether the special enchantments placed on such stationery are present. It's something which makes any such sending impossible to counterfeit.
In short: IF IT DOESN'T COME FROM THE PALACE, IGNORE IT.
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
They are, at least in theory, six grown mares and I had to send them to their rooms.
I have spent most of this endless night telling myself that spanking is not an option.
I really wish the river serpents would just shut up.
Again: I still want you to be the one who does this, and I hope to hear your decision soon.
With hope,
Princess Celestia
To the architect,
Hast thou no regard for the needs of those who travel at night? I have the capacity for seeing perfectly in the dark, I navigate perfectly during such shadowed flights and yet, given the shades of the stone you chose for your work, I was still barely able to find the outline for the initial stages of your construct in time to avoid the collision! You very nearly had my constellations embossed in rock, and that was before I considered turning around and giving the whole thing a proper pattern-honoring kicking. Something which would have settled the matter once and for all.
Instead, I am choosing to contact you this way. For as my sister has hired you twice, I must assume that you are a reasonable pony, which I am defining here as 'One who can listen to reason.' And if you are not, that you can, when dealing with somepony of intellect, become a facsimile of a reasonable pony in something of a hurry.
And do NOT give me the excuse that you would hardly expect anypony else to be flying at that hour, under the newest of Moon's many stages. Those who work the Lunar shift exist. They travel. Their needs shall not simply be respected: they shall be MET. I owe nothing less to my charges.
Pay close attention to my next words. Gather a notepad, ink, and quill. Prepare to copy out notes.
There are going to be some CHANGES made...
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Oof. Just the description reminds me of the fiasco around the needed replacement bridges for the Columbia River crossing on I-5.
I swear, we've got a bridge over Little Kitten Creek (real name) here that is going exactly this way.
Is this brought on by that major bridge that has been shutdown or the whole fiasco with the bridge between Detroit and Canada?
thank you as always for the story
This reminds me of the saying can't remember where I heard it or if I'm quoting it quite right. An elephant is a mouse designed by committee
Government work involves herding a lot of children. Sometimes some of those children are in the government
I do appreciate Celestia sprinkling bits of history in her letters. It's hard to stop teaching, and when you've personally experienced so much history and your subjects remember so little, the temptation to explain how it all actually happened must be tremendous at times.
I see news spread from the Everfree.
Hmm. We're post-Maud... though this is a one-shot and I shouldn't spend too much time thinking about the wider scope of your work.
... You ever find a line that you suspect birthed the story just so it could justify its own existence?
I am deeply concerned.
I do love this undercurrent of pity Dash has for her flightless friends. It's a good thing no one ever tried to approach her with a plan to change that...
As you're fond of saying, each of the Bearers carries a bit of the others. And when it's Twilight channeling Dash, we should be grateful that the only damage is a navigational hazard.
Reminder that Applejack was single for a reason.
Possibly a tea set.
First mention of kirin from you... and I have concerns about their digestion.
I wonder how dragons react to kirin wine. And what they make it from. And several other things that I have to remind myself are outside the scope of the story.
Lovely confluence of errors. Thank you for a delightful bit of disaster by committee.
MASS RESPONSE LETTER:
Dear EVERYONE (Yes, that includes you, Princess Luna),
It has come to my attention that quite a few of you have many things to say about the project I am currently working on. As such I have been bombarded with a number of, shall we say, 'colorful' messages regarding your needs leveraged against the perception of my competency. Allow me to make something clear:
Sod off, and stop bothering my stallions!
As with all state-approved projects, estimations for materials, money, time, and hoof-power were established, refined, and approved before project start. Traffic considerations and estimations on growth for the next five decades were taken into account, and safety standards are in line with Royal Construction Mandate Document CC48 Section 7, part 12. In specific, the bridge falls under a class four medium heavy-weight traffic crossing, mandating slopes of no more than 8 degrees with a height not to exceed treetop level (or forty feet) without appropriate anti-collision illumination for what is considered MNPCA (Minimum Nighttime Pegasus Cruise Altitude). (Thus, it is to be concluded that a one night princess would be flying at what is legally considered dangerously, and recklessly low according to the modern Skylark Modern Safety Standard. And if she has a problem with this, take it up with the EFA.) Further, this bridge is designed to adhere to a class 3 river flow durability standard, with clearance for both anti-blockage, as well as small boat or ferry passage. And of course, the bridge adhere's to Section 8 of the Anti-Troll-Bridge act, and there contains no spacing for creatures of any kind persist out of sight of travelers.
I was contracted to build a bridge, not babysit a bunch of foals.
Signed,
Engineer Foremane Brownhoof
Brownhoof and Stainless Construction Inc.
It's nice to see that no matter the universe, species, or setting, the gears of bureaucracy will always grind against each other.
Anyone heard of "The Big Dig"?
Should that be "while" instead of "which?"
Loved it, got a good laugh.
What sweet madness hath Bureaucracy
and six theoretically grown mareswrought!?Good gravy, this was fun.
Fun story. Government funded works are always a mess once every committee and neighbors associations put in their grain of salt. At least it wasn’t a tunnel.
... huh, employment for the sea serpents in underwater construction...
Anyway, love that the sea serpents made a cameo. Fimfiction need more sea serpents. Most books need more giants sea serpents.
Oh, it'll launch the bridge all right--I can already see how that's going to end.
Oh no, that's even worse!
Poor Celestia, she just can't win on this.
On the other hoof, I can see darn well why this architect was so reluctant to take on government-commissioned projects before now. If this is what you end up going through (and I have no doubt this is exactly how it goes down in real life, no exaggeration--it might not even be accurate enough), I honestly can't blame him for that.
I'm sort of surprised I didn't single out more lines to comment on in the story, but then again, that might be for the better, as that'd probably only just end up repeating the whole of the story with added footnotes.
An altogether nice tale, but that's usually expected coming from you. Gotta give you props specially for your characterization this time though, as you managed to capture the voices of each of the characters so that you need not know their names to know which one was which.
Oh, man. I realized the big twist about halfway through, but it turned out so much worse than I expected. This was amazing.
10835553
the version i heard is "a giraffe is a horse designed by committee"...or was it a camel?
Looking at the picture, it might have been better to dig a tunnel under the river.
Spanking is always an option, Celestia.
And this is why Triptych-universe Celestia isn't retiring and giving the reins of power to the Mane Six any time in the next century.
(While this story is no doubt influenced by bureaucratic snafus in real life, strictly speaking this is more of a case of Royal Favorites with unhealthy levels of influence on public policy.
)
10835854
Like that worked for Boston...
Seriously...
Ten points for Estee for "Old Grey Mare" joke...
And
This keeps happening with the Six, Celestia is going to end up in a padded room...
And then...Luna...
I don't know. I don't want to know...
(Outstanding as always, Estee!)
I loved Fluttershy's part best
10835922
A Transatlantic Tunnel, Hurrah!
Rarity's letter matches far too well my own experience: ~6 years ago my city painted the underside of all the main highway overpasses and the all the newly built underground railway crossings. While I was (and still am
) skeptical on that specific use of money, I do enjoy the results 
(yes, even the one tunnel full of emojis; although I believe they were removed rather quickly).
And that is how the Royal Rump Whumper was created for crimes of unintentional sabotage, unusual stupidity, and unamused Solar Alicorns.
This is so true! Having been an civil engineer on numerous projects, public and private, sometimes with multiple agencies or owners involved, it's always a challenge to try to please them as much as possible while dealing with environmental issues, public issues, and the laws of physics. Needless to say, it's never easy and involves compromises, as well as ignoring those who are not qualified to give input. What's worse is those least qualified to give input come up to me with these, ahem, "great" ideas, and then when I explain to them why it isn't a good idea or won't work, I usually get the response, "but I think it's a great idea". Yes a neophyte who has never built or designed anything more complicated than a chair or table and can't do more than simple math is telling me how design a two story building that will have public accommodations in earthquake country, and that building codes aren't important and should be ignored. "Sigh". So I ignore them, beat my head against the wall, and the go back to doing the correct design.
10836017
Y'all spent money on that? Give it a bit of time, people'll do that work for free,
Once again showing how Wisdom was the dump stat for all six Bearers.
So, I'm going to read this soon but I started reading on my phone and the underlines under every, single, word makes it really hard to read on the mobile version of the site. I'm just wondering if they are part of the indention letter like formatting or were added in addition to that if if they are really stylistically required.
Edit: Finished my reading and after I finished the first letter I knew what the "gimmick" was going to be. But that's fine, not every story needs a twist.
I can understand Rarity's, Dash's, Fluttershy's, and Pinkie's messages, very in character. Twilight's is a bit eigh, because while I can see her being the walking and reading sort I don't really see her as being the type to not understand how rude it is to just expect to not complain when she bumps into them, especially after a few Friendship Lessons. AJ's letter just seems so mean and very out-of-character to me. I get that she's a hard worker but this just crosses so many lines it is not funny and really just knocked me out of the story. And then Luna's letter also didn't hit right and just... eigh. This story is very eigh to me. Even so thanks for writing and sharing it.
10835809
10835866
The thing is, Triptych Luna has been depicted at the same level as Celestia in terms of wisdom and maturity, so the punchline feels out of character.
Oh, that poor architect pony ... I'm pretty sure he'll never take a government contract again ....
10835576
If Celestia wants ponies to remember history, maybe she should stop erasing large portions of it?
After reading Fluttershy’s letter I can’t help but remember this quote.
“Are you sure god doesn’t want it to be dead?”
-Homer Simpson
10836240
If recent irl history proves anything, the people and academics are the ones who erase history
Well, Fluttershy's issue has merit and to be fair a proper Environmental Impact Assessment should've addressed it.
But yeah, there's a good reason why when I'm working on a public planning job you're not to tell anyone the specifics of why you're doing the survey work.
10836258
If Equestrian Warblers are basically Lemmings, either Fluttershy is willing to become their permanent leader and 24h caretaker, or she resign and accepts natural selection as part of the cycle of life.
10836227
Given the increase in night traffic between 10 and 11/12, it's a legit concern, although one a few reflectors and lighting would fix without any major reconstruction.
It is also why most construction projects have a communication office...with someone who knows enough about the project to filter.
"cart wheels can do its share of damage."
"cart wheels can do their share of damage."?
"That would make it my fault, doesn't it?"
"That would make it my fault, wouldn't it?" or "That makes it my fault, doesn't it?"?
"marked the exact charges to the angles for"
"marked the exact changes to the angles for"?
"bad because I'm been writing this as we all got"
"bad because I've been writing this as we all got"?
"instructed Spike that should that they approach"
"instructed Spike that should they approach"?
Well, I still don't know how well it really applies to Anchor Foal, but that I'd definitely say was a cringe comedy. :D
Ow...
10835462
10835468
10835473
I like, or possibly "like", that the first three comments were about four different bridges this story reminded people of, and it doesn't look like any of them were the bridge I was reminded of. Sigh... :D
10835576
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/2/4/1952961.png
10836425
“Hey, what’s Faust going to do? Make my Dissy leave me again?”
-Fluttershy (probably)static.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/8/8d/EPAMAN.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20191120033802
And they have the gall to call Dulcinea stupid........
10836258
Yeah, if they're dumb enough to fly into a very visible [1] solid object in broad daylight, the only wonder is that they haven't gone extinct already: how many of them die every time a tree grows up into their flight path?
[1] And far more visible after Rarity gets done with it
10836227
Well, it _is_ a crackfick, so everyone is about 20% sillier than normal.
10836910
Just wait until the cats start massing near the bridge for the yearly feast!
This story once again proves Celestia is the only sane pony in Equestria.
Until she isnt.
10835848
Depends upon the makeup of the committee. There’s another one that came up with the elephant.
10835946
I remember reading that back in the ’80’s. Written by Harry Harrison, as I recall. :: googles :: Yep!
The funny thing is, it’s not as crazy an idea as it used to be (skip ahead to the 3:45 mark)…
Is this entire story meant to be underlined?
Ah, yes. Death By Committee.
Alternatively... the Mane 6 assume governmental roles (sort of), give instruction toward (an) important project(s), fail to communicate properly (or at all) with one another at crucial junctures, governmental work is completed under high strain and with egregious oversight, and complete and unmitigated disaster ensues. Celestia apologizes... then Luna takes the helm with the best of intentions.
Peace was never an option.
Estee, you have parodied the events that birthed an apocalypse in Fallout: Equestria, you have done so masterfully, and I don't think the idea to do so once crossed your mind.
I salute you.
10837460
I think so. Ester uses underlining to indicate written things.
10837545
Is there a way to disable it? It's very irritating.
It's also entirely redundant, when the written portions are enclosed in a quote.