Ponyville, Ho!
(A/N: I've decided to put whatever the hell I need to say at the beginning of the chapters instead of putting them in my blog. I'll save that for story previews and updates for my followers. Anyway, take this. You've been waiting long enough.)
“Now, before ah get ahead of myself,” Ellis began. “Ah gotta ask: What the name a’ hell just happened?”
Applejack sighed for a second time. “That there was mah friend Pinkie Pie, an’ you just frightened the frostin’ outta her.” She glared at the human. “What the hay were you thinkin’ puttin’ on a scare like that? Ya got Apple Bloom in shivers!”
The said poor filly cowered behind a stack of empty produce crates, confused and on the verge of tears. Ellis looked and saw her big, woobie eyes that made him feel like dirt. He shuffled uneasily.
“Ahm really, really sorry, ma’am. Didn’t know that y’all would scared an’ shit. Ah may jus’ got mahself outta a zombie apocalypse, but I swear I don’t mean tah hurt nobody.” He hadn't felt this awkward since he accidentally burned half of his neighbor’s house (a story that also involved Keith and 3rd degree burns, no doubt). Here was a shining new world, filled with talking, colorful equines, his favorite animal, and the first thing he did was showboat a dangerous, used weapon. Ellis admonished himself for being so thoughtless.
Applejack’s features softened. “Ellis, ah take yer word for it. Nowhere in Equestria will ya find a better expert on honesty.” She spoke truthfully and without an inch of boastfulness. Honesty was her element, after all. “Ah knew from the moment... er... rather the moment after... that yer a kind and faithful soul. But,” She peered at his now sheathed machete. “this is something ah have a hard time believin’. Fightin’ and... killin’ hordes a’ monsters? Monsters that used to be livin’ things?” The thought of such an atrocity made her stomach turn.
“Well...” Ellis hesitated. “they weren’t technically undead. They were infected, caught the Green Flu a couple months back. They may have looked like humans, but they acted like rabid animals.”
Applejack’s heart nearly took a dive into her stomach. She desperately tried to halt her inflating fears and overclocking imagination and forced doubt and empathy into her mindset. She tried to string her vocabulary into proper sentences, and failed. Only a single word escaped from her lips.
“H-how?”
“Ah sure as hell don’t wanna die.” He replied in a flat tone, one that dramatically contrasted his signature cheerful demeanor. “Ah didn’t wanna kill anyone either, but ah couldn’t have both.” Never had it crossed his mind to regret taking the lives of perfectly innocent people turned zombies. He hadn’t even considered it as he gunned them down in the dozens. It never even entered his thoughts when he golf-clubbed a bloody, decapitated head for sport.
“No, Ellis...” Applejack had calmed down enough to think clearly now. She trotted closer to the brooding human. “Ah mean, how do ya go through all that an’ still be kind an’ happy?” It wasn’t an accusation. She couldn’t fathom how fighting for his life didn’t leave him scarred or heavy shouldered with grief.
He half-smiled at the orange earth pony. “Ah remember a time when mah aunt told me: ‘Ellis, y’all perfect jus’ the way you are. Whatever happens, whatever you do, don’t let the world change ya.’ Now, I took those words tah heart ah did, ‘cause ah love mah aunt, rest her soul, and I’ve been livin’ by ‘em ever since.” He crossed his legs and sat down on the barn floor. Apple Bloom was out of her hiding spot now, no longer afraid of the human. Ellis looked at her once again. “Ahm sorry, Apple Bloom. Didn’t mean tah scare ya like that, ah jus’ do dumb things like that all the time. Can ya forgive me?”
The filly kicked the dirt a bit, unsure of what to convene. “It’s ok, Ellis, ah don’t think yer bad at all. Ah think yer kinda cool.”
Ellis smiled. These ponies don’t seem to hold a grudge for very long, which was a relief for him because he’s pissed off all kinds of people back in Savannah, and most of them never forgave him.
“Ah’d hate tah interrupt,” Applejack interrupted (smooth, AJ). “But we got a problem on our hooves. Pinkie Pie headed off in the direction a’ Ponyville, an’ with that impression ya gave her, ah wouldn’t be surprised if she was warnin’ everypony there to lock their doors. Same thing happened with Zecora. We need to go get this straight before ya get in real big trouble.”
“Ah couldn’t blame her. The way that whole thing looked wouldn’t be too serene tah me, either...” Ellis heaved himself off the dirt, brushing off his pants and motivated his limbs. “So whaddya need me tah do?”
“Yer comin’ with me tah Ponyville.” Applejack explained, moving to the barn door. “We’ll talk tah Twilight. She’ll know what to do.”
Ellis looked a little puzzled. “Me goin’ to the town that’ll be waitin’ tah tackle me? Ya gone siggy er somethin’?”
She rolled her eyes. “It won’t be that bad! A lot a ponies listen to Pinkie, but most of the time it’s just Pinkie Pie bein’ Pinkie Pie. Sometimes she can be a little... uh...”
“Absolutely freakin’ nuts?” Ellis offered.
“Yeah!” Applejack agreed right before her brain caught up with her. “Wait-! No! She’s just very excitable. Probably ‘cause she eats too much sugar, no matter how many times ah tell her it’s bad fer her health.”
“Absolutely nuts. Gotcha.” He grinned playfully at the slightly annoyed earth pony before listing to the fallen cupcake tray. Fortunately, only a couple of cupcakes fell out when the frightened pink pony had dropped and forgotten it. He lifted the tray and removed one of the pastries from it’s divot.
“Ah man these smell good.” He horked an Ellis-sized bite, pink frosting sticking to his nose and mouth. A rush hit his brain as the sugar touched his tongue. “Gub Gob, mamm.” He muffled through the mass of baked goods stuffed in his cheeks. “Bess cubcake ebar!”
Applejack facehoofed. He completely forgot the matter at hoof for a few cupcakes. His cheerful disposition was becoming more plausible by the second.
She addressed her little sister. “Apple Bloom, tell yer big brother that me an’ Ellis gotta go to town for a while. We’ll back by supper.” She observed that the human began to chow down on the next cupcake without even cleaning his face first.
“Hopefully...” She amended.
The little filly nodded her head. “Can do, big sis!” With that, she galloped out the barn door and towards the apple grove. Applejack looked at Ellis and gestured her hoof out the door.
“Anytime now.”
He regained his awareness from the sugar-trance and fumbled slightly.
“Oh, right.” Ellis held out the metal tray. “Want some?”
She sighed. “Well, alright.” Applejack took the cupcake in her hoof and bit into the spongy confection. As always, Pinkie’s creation was absolutely delicious. Apple mingled with cinnamon and the sugar sparkled on her taste buds. Her annoyances with the human dissipated slightly. Finishing the cupcake, she wiped her face with her foreleg and re-gestured to the door.
“Now come on, we gotta get movin’. Daylight’s burnin’.”
“Sure thing, sweetie.” Ellis replied cheekily, intent on taking the cupcakes with him.
As they left the homestead, Ellis restarted their idle conversation. “So how long does it take tah get to Ponyville from here?”
“‘Bout forty minutes er so.” She replied after a bit of calculations. “Not too far.”
“That’s great! Ah can tell ya more stories along the way!”
Applejack smiled. She would love to hear his stories.
+++++
Applejack was close to brutalizing her forehead on a tree trunk until she could see backwards.
They had been walking for over 35 minutes, and since they began their trek, Ellis had been storytelling non-stop. It would have been interesting if it wasn’t complete gibberish. She had no idea what a “truck” was, nor a “gas station” or “Captain America”. He talked about his buddy Keith and him more than half the time, spouting about their misadventures, but what made it unbearable was the way eight or nine cupcakes affected his verbal organization skills. He stopping midway through any given tale to go into finer detail, then again, then again, then he’d forget the story he was telling and start an entirely new one. By about 10 or so minutes in, she tried her best to tune him out, almost counting the very seconds as the seemingly short walk transformed into an eternity. Applejack swore that she would rather be with Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash right now.
Or both.
Anything but this.
“...so then we lit the fuse to the firecrackers, see, and me n’ Keith snuck away. They exploded inside a’ the scarecrow’s head and it make a huge-ass noise! Scared the big flock a’ crows away, but the ground caught on fire. Woulda burned the whole crop, too, but ah told Keith tah roll himself on it tah put it out. Hoo boy... third-degree burns on 95% percent of his body. Kinda reminds me of the time me an-”
“Hey, look! We’re here!” Applejack enthusiastically interrupted, silently giving thanks to Celestia. The humble village of Ponyville emerged from the skyline, displaying the bright, pastel-colored buildings. Ellis noted that they appeared almost cartoonish, the obnoxious outlines of some of them tracing wonky curves. He also noticed a lot of it appeared to be under repairs. Scaffolds and wooden cranes were stacked beside the structures.
“Y’all doin’ renovations er somthin’?”
Applejack sifted the dirt under her hoof. “Uh... just some repair work. Nuthin’ too bad, though.”
The pair closed the distance between them and the town to find that it was, in fact, empty. Off in the distance, they could see some ponies slamming their doors or yanking the window shutters closed. Applejack gave a huff of frustration.
“Well that’s just great! Just dandy! Ya had tah go an’ scare the hay outta the one pony who could make ya welcome!”
Ellis flinched. “Like ah said, ahm sorry ‘bout that. Ah didn’t mean tah!” He looked around at the various buildings as they strolled along the cobbled street.
“Forget it, sugarcube.” She sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time today. This was turning out to be extremely exhausting for the farmpony. “Ahm sorry. I don’t actually blame ya. We jus’ gotta find a way tah sort this out. There are a lot of reasonable folk out herAAAA-!”
“Applejack?” Ellis turned to where the earth pony should have been only to find that she was no longer there. He caught a glimpse of a door slamming close-by, a door belonging to a building that looked like a gingerbread house.
Applejack was submitted to a bone-crushing hug via two pink forelegs.
“Ohmigosh, Applejack! I was so scared that you got eaten by that monster and I didn’t know what I’d do without you I would probably cry and not feel like partying because you’re my bestest friend in the whole world and-” A hoof was forcefully shoved into her mouth.
“Hold yer horses, Pinkie! Ahm fine, ok? That monster ain’t no monster, either!”
“What do you mean? I’ve never heard of anything like what Pinkie described.” A new voice, one she recognized as Twilight.
“What...” Applejack released Pinkie Pie and looked around the bakery or Sugarcube Corner. Accompanying the party pony was Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. They all looked equally relieve to see Applejack as Pinkie was.
“AJ! Don’t kid yourself!” Dash hovered above her, agitated. “Nothing that walks on two legs and carries around a huge knife could possibly be any good!”
Applejack narrowed her eyes at the cyan pegasus. “And jus’ what makes ya so darned sure?”
“Well... what makes YOU so sure, huh?” She retorted stubbornly.
“Well I’m sure of it!” Pinkie interjected. “I even made a song!” She inhaled a large volume of air, prepared to vocalize through singing and dancing, when Applejack shoved her hoof in her mouth once again.
“PINKIE! We don’t have time for this!”
“Um... Applejack?” Fluttershy tried weakly.
“GIRLS!” Everypony looked at an exasperated Twilight. Seeing that she had their attention, she continued. “AJ... I don’t know much about what is going on, but Pinkie Pie ran down the street screaming about some monster, dragged us from our homes to bring us here, and we’ve been waiting here ever since.”
Rainbow Dash continued where Twilight’s recap left off. “We were just about to go and do something about it, too! I told them I could kick that monster’s flank and be back here in no time when you showed up!” She did an aerial flip and some mock martial arts moves. “Did you already kick his flank?”
“What? No! I’m trying to tell you that-” But her voice trailed off when the shop’s door creaked open and Ellis poked his head inside.
“Applejack? Ya think you can keep me up-to-date on this stuff here? I’m no good at following... Hey! These yer friends?” Showing himself in, he stood twice as tall as any of the ponies in the room.
“IT’S THE MONSTER! RUN!!!” Pinkie Pie streaked off through the kitchen door. Ellis reached out into the air and attempted to call to her.
“Don’t worry!” Dash beat her wings to gain momentum. “I got this!” She was about to shoot forward at the human, prepared to unleash her front hooves’s fury upon his face, when she was yanked backwards by her tail. She hit the floor and Applejack spat out her technicolor hair.
“What are you doing, AJ?!”
“I’ve been trying to tell y’all that he ain’t gonna harm none a ya!” She looked over at the bipedal southerner, his arms crossed in front of his face in a desperate attempt to ward off Dash’s attack. “Ellis, why don’t ya introduce yerself?”
He peeked over his arms to see four colorful ponies watching him with curiosity, or in case of Rainbow Dash, hostility. Twilight seemed to take interest in the way he moved, the way he walked on two legs, while Fluttershy regarded him with indifference, which the others noted with subtle surprise; she would usually be cowering in the kitchen with Pinkie Pie in these types of situations.
He cleared his throat. “Uh... mah name’s Ellis and ahm a human n’ stuff... Ah have hands instead of hooves an’ ah walk on two legs.” He repeated the finger wiggling that he did when he first met Applejack. Rainbow Dash seemed to be captivated by the sight of the tiny digits, but kept a hostile posture out of indignation. Ellis did not continue his introduction and an awkward silence followed, accompanied by only a hushed cough and soft clops of shifting hooves.
Finally, Twilight stepped fourth towards the human, tension dissolving in the air as the silence was broken. “Pleased to meet you, Ellis. On behalf of Princess Celestia, and as her personal student, I welcome you to Ponyville. My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She extended her hoof.
Ellis took it in his and shook it firmly. “Nice tah meet ya, Twilight.” He said while trying to hold back a snicker. The unicorn, however, noticed his change in facial expression.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh nothin’... It’s just where ah come from it would probably suck tah have that name, unless ya like vampires...”
Twilight was none the wiser.
“So...” Ellis continued. “Ah already met Applejack an’ her family, but she didn’t tell me that you guys had unicorns and pegasus...es... too!”
“Pegasi.” Fluttershy quietly corrected.
“Got it.” He turned to the rainbow-maned pegasus. “What’s yer name?”
Dash, no longer seeing the need for hostility, switched to her showboating mode. She darted from her place and skidded to a halt right in front of the human, who in turn flinched again.
“My name’s Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in Equestria!” She revolved around his head a couple times.
“Well nice tah meet ya too!” Ellis held out his hand for another hand/hoofshake. Dash halted. Her dark-pink eyes locked on his hand, his slender, flexible hand. It was discolored with splotches of dirt and oil and the fingertips were well chewed on, but Dash didn’t notice these traits in particular as she absentmindedly accepted the greeting gesture; she was too busy watching the way his digits bent and curved around her hoof, the way they wrapped and grasped it like the wind that met her face when she flew at high speeds. Such motion... such dexterity...
“Hey, uh... you mind if I... uh... look at this for a while?”
Ellis was slightly hesitant, but considered one’s curiosity to something completely alien and decided there was no harm in sating it.
“Sure, go right ahead.”
Rainbow Dash continued to hover as she experimentally manipulated the hand with her front hooves. Twilight cleared her throat.
“You probably know that the pony hiding in the kitchen is Pinkie Pie, but I don’t believe you’ve met Fluttershy yet.” She called over to the canary pegasus. “Come on, you might as well.”
Fluttershy hesitated. “Oh, uh... that’s ok... he already knows my name. I’ll just... stay over here-” She yelped as Applejack came up behind her and scooted Fluttershy’s haunches towards the human.
“Nonsense, sugarcube! There ain’t nothin’ to be ‘fraid of!” She placed the blushing pony in front of Ellis, and in turn he gave her a friendly smile. Fluttershy wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“I’m Fluttershy...”
“She’s not very good at meeting new folk,” Applejack added. “But she’s real sweet. She ain’t got nothin’ against ya.”
“S’all right. Y’all don’t have to shake my hand to know me.” It should be worth noting that Rainbow Dash, who was still fiddling with his right hand, was getting awfully friendly with it, beginning to rub it on her muzzle, but Ellis didn’t seem to notice. “So these all your friends, Applejack?”
“Not quite. Rarity and Dommy ain’t here. Twilight?”
Twilight glanced back to the kitchen door. “Pinkie said Rarity wasn’t at her boutique. She must have been at the furniture store. Dominic doesn’t come to Ponyville very often.”
“Why’s that?” Ellis inquired.
“Well... because...”
Rainbow Dash looked up from the hand she was so absorbed in. “Because he smells.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight admonished.
“What? It’s true! He needs to be ran under a fire hose for like... 5 hours if he’s ever gonna get clean, but that might make him smell even worse!”
The purple unicorn sighed. Dash went back to playing with Ellis’s hand.
“So whadda we do now?”
Twilight pondered for a moment. “Well first we need to clear up this misunderstanding before the rumors start to get out of hoof.”
“Should I get Pinkie?” Fluttershy offered.
“That’ll come later. We need an official welcome for him. I’ll write to the Princess and get Mayor Mare to call a town meeting. Then, we can have Pinkie throw a party for him when the town’s fears have been dispelled.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Ellis agreed. “I love parti-”
He froze in mid-sentence when he felt a wave of hot breath wash over his knuckles. He and everypony in the room turned to Rainbow Dash. Her tongue lolled out of her open mouth, her cheeks were crimson under the thin layer of cyan fur, and her eyes were half-closed, gazing longingly at the human’s fingers. She was, apparently, and for whatever reason, prepared to take the small, calloused appendages into her maw. Dash suddenly became aware of the eyes upon her and broke herself free of the trance, blushing profusely.
“Uh...” She stuttered after the long, awkward stillness. “I... uh... think I left my... clouds... on fire.” She said no more and shot out the open front door in a blur of rainbows.
“Ok...?” Ellis looked at his hand, turning it over to try and figure what was so damn interesting about it.
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Ha! Clouds don't burn
That was.... hilarious.
What the hell just...
I don't even...
Forget it.
Oh Gods, really, Rainbow?
Um...
That was REALLY creepy RD...
Oh man, hand fetish Dash is something I never even considered before. Hilarious.
This is the best crossover of all time, I was laughing the whole time. Anypony else up for an Ellis emotion?
hehe...I like the last part were rainbow was licking his hand that was nice and random!
Dash reacted surprisingly similar to how I expect Lyra to react.
aaaawwwwkwarrrd...
This. Is. THE BEST and i mean THE BEST story i have ever read.
Everytime i see an update for this, i go all fangirl (even though im a guy) and scream in a high voice while i click the update
Awesome...no wait MIND BLOWING work! keep it up!
This story is pretty good. I'd just wish that it'd update more often. But I'd always take quality over quantity.
What is this I don't even. Awesome work, take more stars damnit!
Oh gawd, ah missed 'tis!
-Glassed
I laughed so hard at Rainbow Dash that I spilled my drink.
Author, you owe me a fresh pair of pants. Get on it.
first she was like
then she was like
dominic? so theres OCs in this story
"Mmmm, delicious fingers."
If RD acted like that.... Now I REALLY wanna see how Lyra reacts.
126789
I second that motion!
Wow RD just....wow
Keep up the great work
RD... That was just creepy.
"She was, apparently, and for whatever reason, prepared to take the small, calloused appendages into her maw"
What is. I don't even.
What ever, this is hilarious and there should be more of it.
126789 i third it!
I'll quote Discord:
"What fun is in making sense?"
I only wish you updated this fic MOAR frequently. I have never played Left for Dead or it's sequel yet i love this story. I really like the character of Ellis and how completely awesome and how he's not a whiny douche. Plus his interactions with the Apple family is great.
My big question is why and how do you keep giving us t shirt worthy quotes. Like the big quote of this episode: “I... uh... think I left my... clouds... on fire.”
Awkward/adorable Dash is best pony.
Peace out. Oh and yeah...
smilepanic.com/wp-content/uploads/MOAR15.jpg
NOW!!! PLZ!!!
nice story! gonna keep reading it for sure, but...
Dominic? who is that? some OC? or a background pony?
126813
OC. I guess I didn't give you guys proper warning by not adding that to the character tags, but he won't have a huge part... ah, what the hell. I'll add it anyway (later). His story is not going to be told for a while, but he is recognized in my fanfics, so you may as well get used to him. I love writing him. You can get a bit of insight on what he generally does and what he looks like in my other story.
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-google-search-twilight-vampire.jpg
Other than that keep up the good work my good sir
Why did I see that coming the moment she asked if she could examine it.
You so silly Rainbow.
Inb4 bestiality
I do believe my funny meter is back on, I laughed a few times! The story is well written IMO, Thanks, Great work!
Awesome! An update!
Rainbow Dash, wtf is wrong with you?!
And I hope we hear more about this "Dominic".
hehe figure Lyra more for the hand fetish
Hands give interesting toys for ponies
I am impresed that Rainbow didn't ask for a wing massage.
Oh Rainbow, you so random
Spit that out, Rainbow Dash!
You have no idea where it's been!
THIS...IS...EPIC only one problem It needs to be updated more often
any longer and she may have done some............interesting things with his hand...if you get my meaning
Chewy fingers are on my miiiiind~!
Ellis being Ellis and Rainbow Dash being silly?
Much more likely than you think. Keep it up.
"Pegasus ponies". It's Greek, it's a proper noun.
127032
That may be true, but in the context of race, like when saying "human", it does not need to be capitalized. As far as I've observed, several other fanfictions follow this rule as well.
...What the hell RD?
Simply loving this story, mate. x^D Keep it up!
126774 What a shame.
Unless... I took what you said for a reference to something else... and you might not get it...