[Cancelled and rebooted] It has been thirty years since Twilight Sparkle gathered the Elements of Harmony and went on her first adventure. Now a certain "John" appears in her library, deciding that she needs a break and sending her back to a "simpler time". Once again, she must stop Nightmare Moon. Only this time... things are different. Details are out of place, added or removed completely. She may not be in the past she remembers at all.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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first i was like
then i was like
no i want
This caught my attention. I'll continue reading to see what the hay happens!
Well that was fun. Now that I think about it your story is the first peggy sue I have read of mlp:fim and is also quite interesting.
This Twilight Sparkle appears to have quite a story of heroism and magical expertise (perhaps to be slowly unveiled to the readers as the fic advances) and also seems to be used (more like resignated) to the attentions of the night-omnipotent being Q who has chosen our heroine for a part in a play for his son birthday, the world created (or transfered to?) for this purpose seems to have some interesting changes (wonder how celestia is) though we have yet to see the rest of the mane 6 (
).
There are however a few spelling problems so you may wish to check that though I am no expert.
Overall this fic has a good start and I expect to see more
Good Luck
Luis fading out
At first in chaptet 1, I was:
Then, I was:
later at chapter 2 , I was:
an then I was:
and finally I was:
IT NEED MORE CHAPTERS!
Well, that was.... um, I'm not sure how to describe it. I was left thinking 'wtf'? But I liked it. A lot. You sir have earned yourself 5 stars and a track.
that was fun :D 5/5 tracking :D keep it up!
This definitely caught my attention, and I have a couple notes for you before I forget them:
You kind of have to pretend your audience is four years old. (Disregarding vocabulary, of course.) This is a trick actors use, but it works in writing as well. Be. as. clear. as. possible. When people are reading, (This applies to everyone, I don't care who you are.) people don't want to have to constantly make connections with what's going on and what happened earlier and such. I should be able to scan my eyes along the sentence and the page and understand what's going on, a movie playing out in my head.
Slow down a bit.
I'm a little... befuddled as to this John person and how Twilight got into this position. That's a writing element, so it's fine. But, the narrative seems to be passing this off as though traveling through time is an everyday occurrence for Twilight Sparkle, which, unless Doctor Whooves is involved, it is not.
Unless you're doing it intentionally, be clearer.
Your writing skills themselves are right on par, but watch your speed.Slow down a little. A good way to do this would be to describe the surroundings. Even if we don't know them, it makes it a shit-ton easier to know what's going on, as the brain has time to process it.
TL;DR: Slow down a bit, pretend your audience is four years old, disregarding vocabulary.
That aside, your basic concept interests me greatly and I'm going to move on to the next chapter. Your writing itself is very good.
ONWARD!
I'm still a bit more confused than I'd like to be. Now, I will admit I didn't exactly sit down to study this.
But, I did understand it better than I did the last chapter. Keep in mind what I said last chapter, and you could have yourself a great story here.
Understanding that the John is basically Q choosing the name of one of his favorite mortals to identify himself explains a lot. Also recognizing that this Twilight really has "Been there, done that" so much that she's ascended to the level of an Arthur Dent helps too. Any minute now she'll be wandering around going "All this end of the world business is so dreary, you know what I need? A good strong cup of tea."
I don't think it's too fast at all, though RadaVonVon's points are good. Being a dork who gets all the references makes it surprisingly easy to slip into this story.
How bizarre.
Dam it Q, fix it, don't make me put you in the box again.
TIME TRAVEL IS A BAD IDEA.:apple cry:
inbox me for full details
You spelled Twilight wrong in the description.
It's an interesting premise, but the Faust references feel very crow-barred in.
Well. This chapter annoyed me, until I reread it with Applejack having a very loud southern accent. Then the rest of the references made sense. 5/5.
I don't know what in the flying fuck I just read, but Faust damnit, it was good.
While the first chapter and a good deal of the second were great(I myself getting the references to Star Trek), I too think some of the elements of the alternate universe after the swap are a bit forced. I assume you of course have an understandable explanation for the slight change in, well, everything, though I also second the feeling of the random cheap token religion outta nowhere. What point is there to it other than being an annoying meta gag that adds nothing to the story? Remember, Meta gags tend to detract from the story.
hmm getting good
wow weird stuff
Please write more, I'm interested.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is coming from all angles of this story.
You have my attention, proceed with the story please kind sir/mam
Well Written My good sir, Well written
.
memeshack.com/shitjustgotreal/ShitJustGotReal_986720743.jpg
Oh yeah, its a nice Alternative Reality you got there. I can almost see Twilight screaming "Chill out" at Nightmare Moon.
I can't wait to see where this goes.
This is awesome. You're awesome. The world is awesome.
I'm still wondering about the references to 'Miss Belle'. Is it Sweetie this time around somehow, or just the 'Her full name is Rarity Belle' fanon? Guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Sorry, Chapter 3 isn't making much sense to me. I know its in an alternate universe/timeline but even then I'm not picturing it very well.
Great story!
fantastic
"Hey Princess Luna!"
*Twilight Sparkle grabs Applejack and Rainbow Dash and starts alternately making out with them while they're dumbfounded with shock*
"You want to join my harem? The benefits package is really nice... if you konw what I mean."
*Luna's head explodes*
"Excellent work, my most faithful student!"
"Ah, Celestia, you should join us!"
*Celestia's head explodes. Twice.*
John? As in... Jean-Luc Picard?! Oh, Discord/Q, you whimsical thing.
“For behold, Night Mare Moon, Goddess of Love and Fertility, shall be unbound in the thousandth year of Her punishment!”
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/184/b/0/lol_guy_by_djtypea-d3ku3gc.jpg
Dude, there is some serious shit going on her. Q at it's finest.
So, masterplan is to make all the ponies to look so crazy, Nightmare Moon will be too afraid to try to rule them?
Next stage of Twilight's plan involves a mini skirt and a very tight shirt!
so she though nightmare was a sex goddess....sign me up
Oh goodie, an update. I-
27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnpu1iAc181qkaynko1_500.png
OH GOD WHAT
“Take me, my Nightmare Queen! I've been a wicked mare!” oh Twilight you silly silly pony awesome update.
Troll on you crazy Sparkle.
gonna catch the next chapter Saturday, can't wait.
Cleverly done, Twilight.
The honey badgers were a nice touch.
ga damn. now Lyra is militia.
twilight can mindfuck on whim.
Octavia is spec ops....
(said this before)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is coming from all angles of this story.
detective
You can tell this story is the product of a Spacebattler by the ack-ack. It's subtle, but you can certainly catch it if you know where to look.
Excellent work, sir. I've been passing this over for the last few days on the forum, and I'm sorry I did. This is one of the most enjoyable and outlandish stories I've read in a while.
This made me laugh sooooo much. :)
I am utterly confused as to the state of things. All that makes sense to me is alternate timeline. And what is up with Tuesdays?
Is Fluttershy Ranger Gord now? That is not a crossover I was expecting to see.
Yep, this is definitely the kind of thing Q would do. Keep it up, author. Looking forward to seeing how this all works out.
Oh god, this is awesome.
MOAR
Great....what's next? Ditzy telling us "Keep your muffin on the ice"?
I... felt rather sorry for Fluttershy, there, at the end.
fantastic