• Member Since 17th May, 2021
  • offline last seen July 23rd

Rank Amateur


I don’t consider myself a brony. In fact, I haven’t seen a single episode of the show.

T

Applejack finds a young colt in the orchard. He’s clearly starving, has marks all over his body, and claims to have lost everything. Naturally, Applejack wants to help, but how does one heal from losing everything?


This story was inspired by the numerous “human turned foal” stories out there. The chief inspirations are “Family” and “What A Strange Little Colt.”

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 60 )

That character on the artwork reminds me of Quibble Pants

Why is there no synopsis?

10830959
Is that good or bad?

10831004
It should be up there now. Sorry about that.

I'm liking it so far, but everything feels like it happening really fast so I would suggest stretching out the interactions a tad? Or at least the stretch the thought processes of the characters. Overall liking it! Can't wait to see more. 😁

10831275
Okay, I’ve added a little in hopes of fixing that. Thanks for the feedback!

A human turned pony? There are a lot of questions.

“What do you know?” the colt snapped, “You’re not stuck in this weak, useless, pathetic little body! You’ve never had everyone and everything you cared about ripped away from you with no chance of getting it back! You’re not trapped in some alien world with no way to go home! You have everything! I have NOTHING!”

Well, looks like he exposed himself.

I'll give it a spin.

Like the art.

Monk.
“A spider’s got to spider.” -Scarheart

I’ll be honest, for a second I thought twilight was actually at the hospital.

10837949
Uh… Whoops? Here, I’ll fix it.

He shouldn’t have said anything.

Applejack’s eyes widened slightly. She hadn’t considered that. Foals could have bad dreams over the smallest of things. A scared colt who had probably lost his parents and suffered abuse was unlikely to have anything but bad dreams.

I think you mean "nothing but bad dreams." You made it sound like he doesn't get bad dreams.

Comment posted by Mix-up deleted June 5th

10845769
Also if you are ever looking to commission a cover art you can looking me up if you are ever interested, here is my Deviant art gallery and Youtube Channel links. Here is a speedpainting video of mine, enjoy.

10845769
The only reason he knows unicorns can use magic is because the Apples told him. Every unicorn can use magic, Ben learns he is a unicorn, and thus assumes he can also use magic.

When Ben asked about magic in chapter 3, teleportation was included in his question. Applejack affirmed his question. He assumes that a wizard can solve his problem because he’s desperate to get home and thinks magic is the key.

I’m not sure why you think he was hiding around Ponyville. Ben himself said he was in a forest and was hoping to find humans when he reached Ponyville. He figured out there were no humans when he encountered Applejack. He broke down as a result. I’m sorry I failed to properly convey that. Have you any suggestions as to how I might improve this aspect of the story?

I'm getting real "oh to be old again" vibes. If the story continues going the way it is I can confidently say it'll be a real banger

10847080
hum, might have read through it too fast, sorry if that is the case. For improving the writing writing, only keep doing it will eventually make your writing flow much more naturally and have more of a tone you are trying to convey in the narration. For the colt demanding tone/expectation about magic it's probably desperation and PTSD that is making him come off as jerk at the moment. At the moment it seems that there isn't much of a bound between him and the Apple, it would probably need more tending to actually start to grow. I would guess AJ could help out explaining how things work in Equestria without sounding patronizing to him and take him at his word for his clams (at least make him feel that way). Right now the guy has spilled the beans on his origins and seems he will stubbornly stick to it, no matter how much the try to persuade him or that he doesn't try to change his story on any details which so his consistency could something AJ could at least respect even if she doesn't actually believe him 100%.

10847080
Hum, well, the writing is still a bit stilted and the beginning is a bit derivative, but that is true for more HiE, and normally can get better over time and become it's own thing eventually; Still credit for already putting in the effort in writing it. I hope you will have your own spin on this story premise that will be interesting.

One bit that confuses me is how does he know unicorns can use magic, or at least can guess that they can do more then TK as beyond the the Hospital he didn't see any pony use magic and the Apples at the first ponies he got into contact sense he arrived; and it's pretty presumptuous to think that pony wizards could really help seeing that at first glance they seems wildly vary from medieval to early 20th century levels of technology. I could guess he was lurking around Ponyville, for a few days, and observed the inhabitances, and scavenge food behind the shops, like SCC, for food, so I wonder why he didn't try to slip into the community and ask for help or maybe try to get a job to survive? I think the adding of a depression was a nice touch, would certainly make for wild mood swings and could explain why he is so suddenly expecting them to solve his problem while he was hiding away from them and being discreet before.

Now I wonder how he arrived there in the first place.

Are there any other canonical unicorns in Ponyville? Should I use an OC? I could really use some input on this matter.

There's Lyra, the story Broken Then Healed has her and Bon Bon raising a Human turned Foal. For other Unicorns there's Vinyl Scratch, (Probably not a good choice), Amethyst Star, and looking at the wiki, there's a few others that have been seen in Ponyville in some episodes but are so undeveloped they may as well be OC's anyway. If you want names there's Magnet Bolt, Cherry Spices, and Electric Sky.

In Ponyville, for fan favored unicorn there is Doctor Stable, and Pinprick/Pocky Piece/Royal Pin, comet tail, Written Script. But I think you could go better go with Lyra as she has been to CSfGU with Twilight but she doesn't sound really that exciting of a parental figure unless you teak her a little, but Bonbon or special agent Sweetie Drops could add something to it to help. Starlight and Sunburst could be a good choice but she did sound very busy with school along with Sunburst but would be great candidates for magic. But to be Honest I think you would better relegate the the magic to a tutor and not as a guardian. I think AJ is probably the best mentally equip in having the patience to deal with his stubbornness, along with Helping raising Apple Bloom, see that they other quickly losing patience with him, or just let him walk all over them, yup AJ can back up any threat she makes. I could maybe see Fluttershy helping him with animal therapy along with being given responsibilities to take care of them. Now the reason that it would need to be that Ben stay in Ponyville, and not sent to Trottingham or Manehatten, would need for to necessitate their is something locally that makes it so he is required to stay there in the first place, like he is linked the Everyfree Forest and become ill if he is too far away .

Also a little suggestion, I notice you you start a lot of your sentences with a characters name often one after another even with the same name, which comes off as rather repetitive at time. if you can't avoid doing that you could at then you could add at the beginning like terms like: 'for his part', 'a moment later', 'hopping for more', 'seemingly confused', 'scared', 'standing up for himself'.
These are just simple example but it would help add more of a tone to the narration.

I'm rather reminded of Lyra Heartstrings in David Silver's It's OK to Be a Pony, in which Lyra is a social worker and therapist for ponies who believe they were once human.

They opened the door further and neither were relieved by what they saw. The bed was empty and the IV tube was on the floor, still emptying its contents. No sign of Ben.

Shouldn’t they be worried?

Silverheart was grieved by Ben’s clear desperation to be with his family. He said that his family was human, which meant they might not be real. What made him think his family was human? Was his real family dead and he made up a human one to cope? There was a tiny possibility he was telling the truth, but that did not explain how he was a unicorn. Even changelings could only partially transform into another species, and medical scans proved that Ben was a full-blooded unicorn. His story made no sense. The big question was why he did not know how to use his magic. A question for another time. The priority was to convince him that staying healthy was not a waste of time.

Really? I thought changelings do it perfectly.

Silverheart did not know how to respond. What did one say to a child who didn’t trust adults? How did one earn such a child’s trust? She could only reach around and embrace him to provide some semblance of reassurance. The poor colt needed help, and she alone could not provide it.

It’s funny how they’re doing this to a grown man.

10855174
They are very worried. I’m afraid I don’t know much about changelings. Never saw an episode, after all.

Yes, it is indeed funny that they’re doing this to a grown man who happens to be in the body of a child. From their point of view, it’s what’s best for an abused colt. From his point of view, they’re just holding him back from the one thing that keeps him going.

10855282
Ohh. At first I thought it said they weren’t.

really likeing the story so far man :) Lyra could work i think

The rest of the six friends stood behind Pinkie. Applejack promptly ushered them all inside.

You mean five?

“Ah found him in the orchard last night,” Applejack continued. “He was nearly coat and bones; had bruises and scratches all over ‘im. When he saw me, he got scared right to death. He started mumblin’ a lot, then he was laughin’ and ramblin’ about havin’ nothin’ left. Next thing Ah knew, he was cryin’ his eyes out.”

Last night? So only a day has passed?

By the time Applejack finished telling them how Ben had asked her to let him die as he cried in her forelegs, everypony was shaken. Pinkie’s face was devoid of its trademarked smile and her mane was straight. Fluttershy openly wept. Rarity held back her own tears. Rainbow and Twilight tried to console Fluttershy, but it was clear that they weren’t doing so well either. Applejack herself wanted to cry, but fought it. She needed to be stronger than that. She refused to break her promise.

What promise?

“You think his own family might be responsible for his bruises?” Rainbow asked, an edge in her tone.

What’s with the edge?

Didn't Twilight turn her and the rest of the Mane 6 into Breezes back in season 4? Nice chapter, I think you managed to juggle Readers expectations of what the Mane 6 would do, I don't think all of them would have, and how these kinds of things actually work and had to be turn away; and to be honest having so many characters in one area is hell to manage. I did like how the characters are working on assumptions and speculation with limited information to try to piece things together. I wonder how Ben is going to pull himself out of this one. Will he realize that he could be interned for extended observation, having very limited possibilities to try to find away home, if he sticks to his story as he is now. Or will he take the risk of of trying to had normally by pony standards, and fail badly at it, in an attempt to throw the attention off him. I could get that AJ would try to come forward in taking care of him for the time being. I think one reason why Ben might need to stay in Ponyville would be that he can't handle large herds of ponies, so staying at a rural area might be best with that spell tracking on him to make sure he doesn't wander off too far. I wonder what the ponies think of a colt coming out of the Everfree Forest in the first place, isn't it incredibly dangerous weird place and most ponies would do everything they can to avoid it, it could be that they think Ben hid there and disregarded the warnings.

orp

It's the circle of life, And it moves us all~

Pretty good so far.

10862153
I fixed the number.

You are correct that only a day has passed. If you remember, Applejack dropped Ben off at the hospital the morning after she found him. She wanted to visit him later that same day after she was done with farm work. She ran into Pinkie, got the idea of having a small party for Ben, and asked the party pony to assemble the rest of their friends to meet later.

I’m no expert on hospital procedures, but my guess is that it didn’t take very long to patch Ben up and get him admitted. Once he told Silverheart his story, she refused to believe him. Ben panicked, thinking she told the doctor he was crazy, and tried to bolt. Due to being unused to the new body, he had to move slowly. It wasn’t enough, however, and he fell down yet another stairwell. Several hours later, he wakes up and hurls accusations. It’s safe to assume that, by the time the Mane Six and CMC get there, it’s either late afternoon or early evening. Same day.

Applejack made a silent promise at the end of Chapter Two.

Lastly, there was an edge in Rainbow’s tone because the idea of parents abusing their own child angers her.

I'm really looking forward to Ben talking with the counselor

10862800
Oh ok. I think I get it.

you can download the episodes from Yaypony, top quality videos

I had to write case reports for a 400-level psychology class last semester. Really wish I still had that book so I could see what I came up with. I think I'd probably go with something like:

Client presents with high levels of anxiety and self reports memory loss consistent with stress-induced retrograde amnesia. Client meets DSM-5 criteria for Paranoid Personality Disorder, though childhood schizophrenia must first be ruled out through further testing. Client also reports memories of an alter ego and fantastic events. The possibility of Dissociative Identity Disorder should not be ignored, but further interaction with the client is required. Munchausen syndrome and other attention-seeking disorders are dismissed from the diagnosis as the client openly detests the attention or interaction of strangers.

Wait, how can you right a mlp fanfic if you haven’t watched a single episode?

Ha! I've never seen a single episode either! Knowing we're in the same boat makes me like this story twice as much. Keeping the story character driven and grounded is such a nice change. Please, keep doing what you're doing

orp

Discord is as Discord does. He wouldn't find it funny to simply solve problems - deliciously chaotic problems - with a finger snap. Either way, it might be difficult to get his character right if you've seen neither MLP FIM, nor Star Trek TNG.

10864489
I have, in fact, seen Star Trek TNG, and from that I know Q/Discord is not one to solve problems out of the goodness of his heart. Thus, I figure including Discord in the story would needlessly complicate things.

10864489
Discord isn't one to solve chaotic problems. He loves chaos! He's more likely to solve mundane problems in a chaotic way, thus creating a new problem.

But only if he's in a helpful mood or wants to prove a point to Twilight.

Looking forward to the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

Doctor Warm Light meticulously read through the report on her new patient. Ben was clearly a troubled little colt and helping him would not be an easy task. Given enough time and gentle treatment, however, he could grow to trust adults again. His “delusions,” as Doctor Graymane put it, were another matter entirely. Benjamin Lewis Walker was more than likely not his real name. If Warm Light’s hypothesis was correct, “Benjamin” and his make-believe human family were part of an alter ego created by the colt to erase traumatic memories. Unfortunately, the alter ego repressed all memories of being a pony, including basic knowledge. If Ben’s biological family was found, seeing them could possibly trigger a related memory. If he had been living happily with them, a pleasant memory would surface and go a long way to bringing out the real him. If they were the ones who abused him, however, seeing them would surely make his situation worse, causing him to retreat even further into the Ben persona. There was also the issue of whether or not his family was even alive. Ben could only give the names he created for his human family members, so finding his real family would be very difficult.

Where are they getting all of this from?

“I’ll say whatever the flak I want about this damned body!” Ben retorted. He had not said “flak.”

Flak?

Warm Light could barely believe it, yet everything that just occurred lined up perfectly. “You had a magic surge,” she said. Such a thing was not normal for somepony Ben’s age and the only possible explanation was extreme lack of magic use. That meant he had rarely if ever used magic in his life.

What does that mean?

Warm Light had to take a moment to come up with a reassuring explanation that wouldn’t damage Ben’s already fragile self-esteem. Unfortunately, by the time the right words came to her, Ben was already asleep from exhaustion.

How would not coming up with the right words damage his self-esteem?

10877711
I forgot to mention that your comment on the last chapter helped me come up with Light’s diagnosis. I added an author’s note giving you a shout-out. Thanks a lot!

10878158
I’ve added an author’s note that should answer the first question.

Apparently, young unicorns experience something called a magic surge when they first start using magic.

Warm Light was worried about coming across as condescending to Ben because she thinks he has low self-esteem. Thus, she thought he would react negatively if she didn’t phrase her explanation correctly.

Also, I don’t like to use the f-word and “flak” was the first euphemism that came to mind.

10878247
:twilightsmile:

That made my day. Thank you.

orp

10878253

Apparently, young unicorns experience something called a magic surge when they first start using magic.

Presumably all pony types, it's just the magic manifests differently, depending.

The idea comes from the babysitting-turned-horror spoof episode early in the series. One of the babies (Cake twins) was a unicorn, the other a pegasus.

The farm mare smiled, feeling a surge of joy on Ben’s behalf. With the joy, however, came confusion. “But why would he trust me?”

Why not ask him?

What followed was Warm Light’s complex theory regarding Ben’s mental state. According to her, “Ben” was an alter ego the colt created to suppress painful memories, leaving behind a subconscious distrust of adults. His drive to get home might be a twisted way of coping with his parents’ deaths, assuming that they were no longer living. If that wasn’t bad enough, Ben had fooled himself into thinking he was some kind of mythical creature called a human trapped in a little pony’s body.

How would they know that humans are mystical creatures?

According to Applejack, Ben doesn’t seem to have any real knowledge of magic despite being a unicorn. We think he might’ve been foalnapped when he was really little, which would explain his lack of magical knowledge. Foalnappers wouldn’t want to give their prisoners a means to get away. How Ben might’ve escaped is anypony’s guess.

Do foalnappers even exist?

orp

Surely, Celestia would sense some kind of magic disturbance if dimensions were crossed, right?

That's pure headcanon. The closest thing Celestia had in the show is a vague vision of a future disaster (Tirek) in a prophetic dream. It's not even fanon, it's just something that often happens in fanfics because the writers find it convenient for plot reasons (which is perfectly fine).

Quite frankly, you're probabaly not going to research your way through all the fine details of canon and fanon - there's a decade's worth of it. What you need to do, in my opinion, is stop worrying too much about that and tell your story the way you want to. Add the Alt. Universe tag just in case and unleash your imagination.

10845635
It says 'unlikely to have anything but bad dreams.'. It's the same as saying 'likely to have nothing but bad dreams', but more than that, 'unlikely to have nothing but bad dreams' doesn't mean anything unless you're using ghettospeak, in which case saying 'nothing' is the same as saying 'anything' alongside a negative-context word like 'unlikely'.

Login or register to comment