- Member Since 29th May, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 17th, 2017
PonIver
Midwest Brony. Really appreciate critiques, especially if you catch grammatical errors. I'm far more used to prose and poetry than narrative, so any advice, hate mail, etc. is appreciated.
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Big ups to the people who preread this for me. I shall leave them anonymous for the sake of their dignity. Except for Path_of_cloud, since he has no dignity to begin with. Big thanks to him!
Thanks for reading, and for any critique offered, as anyone should know that 'mature' stories are a bit out of my element.
Oh this is getting read.
not time to read atm, but this gets a "read later", if only because Rarity x Dash is the most interesting shipping as far as dash shipping goes.
Also: Romcance with chapters > 5k words are often the best. Everything you need less than 10 minutes to read feels unsatisfying.
1235305
Well that was unexpected... Hope you give me as much of a hard time as I give you
The number of sexy ponies is too damn high!
1235418 Give yourself more credit. You have not said anything that was not true, and you've helped me grow as a writer. Now, let us see how you craft smut.
Some really good elements here. You made both Rarity and Rainbow slightly out of character in the confines of the spa, but not in a way that really breaks character. Heat and relaxation can do things to the mind, similar to the effects of alcohol. The fantasies at the beginning were very interesting. I hope we see that element more in chapters to come.
Rainbow's wings tore through a robe.
Now that made me laugh. Rarity's assertion that as the element of Generosity she would take care of things was quite good, although I would have liked to see Rainbow reciprocate. Still, you have more chapters coming.
I can see why you had no problem with my purple prose, you use it heavily here. But it's well written and gets the point across without going into clinical details. The most important detail here is the romance, and you've captured it nicely. The wonderful thing about Mane Six shipping is they already have a strong bond of love, its not that much of a stretch to see that turn more romantic.
I really look forward more updates to this story. Well done.
An interesting premise and one where I have no idea where things will be going exactly. I'm not sure if Rainbow is aiming for a relationship or a friends with benefits situation and that makes me want to see how things will unfold all the more.
The bit of out of character while still being in character stuff was excellent. That being the spa room and such, Also, small emotional touches like Rainbows wings ripping through the robe after hearing about Fluttershy, Rarity hurling a bucket into Aloe's head after getting walked in on, and even her asking the two spa ponies to "make it slow" really spiced up the story and made it fun to read.
Not sure if you wrote the story in segments but your last half of the story, them in the spa, is double spaced between paragraphs. It was annoying compared to the first portion that only had a single space between paragraphs.
Holy crap.... Steel Resolve knows the person who wrote this? This story is now a must-read!
clopfic with a plot?
lol but i'll read later
She doesn't find her friends cool huh?
Guess she couldn't handle the...
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
GRAVITY of the situation!
It had to be done! X3
1229885 Yay, I'm special! Dignity is over rated anyways.
Bow chicka bow wow.
I really liked this, was definitely worth the read!
Please sir, may I have some more?
i.imgur.com/CLKEd.gif
Could this possibly be AllDash?
Please tell me it is...
Wait, wait, wait, this is going to involve all of the MANE-6? OH god, this is going to be one heck of a ride.....................dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png
1236286 if you know what I mean
Clopfic chapters named CANTOs!?!?!?!?!?
images.4chan.org/wsg/src/1347005970231.gif
>Canon approach
...Oh boy. I'm putting this on my Read Later list. I'm expecting good things; at the very least better than Romance Reports in terms of actual romance.
EDIT: Okay, I read it. And... *sigh* I didn't like it. It was fine up until they had sex. This isn't romance; this is mindless, impulse sex. Especially when you consider the fact that it looks like this is going to happen again, but with the rest of the Mane 6.
It's a good clopfic. Not a good romance. Dropped.
Lovely opening. I enjoy the recurring line of "Rainbow Dash, wake up." It's a very powerful line, and very easy to relate to Rainbow Dash's frustrations of "So close, yet so far away." I enjoy the images in my head of the other scenarios in Rainbow Dash's dreams, especially with the one with Fluttershy. And Pinkie Pie, though I'm pretty sure a bit more detail on the whole making of cupcakes and what sort of Kinkie Pinkie Pie Predicaments would happen in one of RD's rather vivid dreams would improve that part immensely.
Then... everything went REALLY downhill from there. The beginnings of this slippery slope into "scroll down, skim" began when I noticed that you "Told" too much. You used very, very direct to the point, third-person means to describe what was happening. I will illustrate my point with an example:
"She was embarrassed." vs. "Her cheeks flushed red. The Pegasus' skin began to burn like it was on fire."
Please, research on the literary tactic known as "Show, not Tell." It would help immensely if you used metaphors or similes in your work, went into more second-person or first-person descriptions--things you literally see, rather than the abstract concepts they represent--to add a bit more flavour and flare to the story. As is, you seem to be explaining elements of the story to me ala Literary Analysis rather than, you know, telling me a goddamn story.
Sorry about that.
Still, there were some ramps on that slope that were rather enjoyable.
I love the use of Wingboners here. The sheer violence and audacity of Rainbow Dash's reluctant advertising was hilarious. I just love it when bedroom turbulence warnings rock the console and crack the glass cover
Rarity's descent from a sophisticated explanation into laypony's terms was incredibly amusing. The use of an Equestrian curse word was well put, as was the drawl and the mental image of Rarity melting onto her bench.
The bit about Fluttershy being a frisky filly after getting a bit too relaxed made me feel like Twilight Sparkle with that bird's nest on her head. (From: Lesson Zero.) I can just feel the potential for an important plot point there, though it would be excellent of you to use it in a manner that none of us expect.
Getting walked in on and Rarity's violent reaction was funny to me. Her embarrassment after the incident, and the use of Shut-Up Money made me laugh in that cynical, "How The World Works, Folks" way. I enjoy that Rarity uses such tactics, though I would have enjoyed seeing the dialogue, body language, and the subtle hinting of more "compensation" if Aloe would "Be a dear, and keep quiet about this little... indiscretion" of hers.
Unfortunately, I don't really see myself awaiting the next chapter. Maybe if I stumble onto the feature box again, but it's not likely.
1236176 Seconded. PLEASE.
THIS WAZ AWESOME MOAR .... well i mean if you want
I haven't read or voted or favorited or anything about this story.
I just wish to point out that you could have easily made a Thomas Pynchon joke.
1236099 Dignity? What is this foreign concept of which you speak? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Edit: OK. I've read the story, and... It was pretty awesome. Glad I found it, and hope to see more of it soon!
Okay, lots of people to get through here... First, thanks to all for feedback good and bad, I love critique far more than squee comments so it means a lot!
1235505
Oh god yes, purple prose has been my biggest weakness for some time. It's a hurdle I can't seem to work through... At least I chose a genre this time that kind of embraces that sort of thing. I am glad to have pleased my master
1235569
Not sure about the format issue. It must have happened when FimFic imported the story from gdocs, so I'm not sure how to fix it... Glad you enjoyed it despite the formatting. I'm a stickler for that kind of thing myself, so I feel for ya.
1235909
Give me back my sunglasses!
1236099
You were always special. The 'short bus' kind of special.
1236176>>1236286>>1237810
Yes, AllDash confirmed. Rainbow's feelings are... Complicated...
1238071
I'm so glad somebody got that joke. My own little personal touch.
1237522
I so agree with you. I have major issues with show v. tell that I can't seem to work through. When I tell, it's too boring, and when I show, I end up filling the story with purple prose. It's a delicate balance, and I can't get the two to mesh quite perfectly. I spent too much time reinforcing the third person limited view of RD, and lost focus on important aspects of the story. This was... Difficult for me to write, and that's probably what led to so many errors. Thanks a lot for pointing those things out, it means a lot and I truly appreciate it.
1237505
Not gonna get defensive, in fact I agree with you. It was mindless sex. I kind of wanted Rarity out of the way, since I find her to be the least likely mate for RD, but she needs to be given a shot. Yes, there was little to no romance in this part, and I guess I pre-emotively placed the romance tag based on what I have planned instead of what I currently present. Thanks for the feedback.
1238198
Oh, the joke is that it's just Gravity. Okay, sure.
1238198
Oh, really? Thank the gods. Maybe the word romance hasn't completely lost its meaning after all.
1238215
Nah, romance is still dead, and this fandom probably had something to do with it... But yeah, this isn't so much going to be a romance as it is a 'coming-of-age' type of story, but there really isn't a proper tag for me to label drama, and since we're talking about those kinds of feelings, I resort to the romance tag
1238198 Gonna have to disagree with you on Rarity's section being mindless sex. There was a definite mutual attraction going on there. Now granted the feelings expressed were largely lust, but then what relationship doesn't start that way? I also loved the fact that Rarity did not freak out about getting her first kiss in such an abrupt manner. Now was this the heartwarming squishy feel good love? Not so much. This was the heart-pounding intense kind. It generally does not make for a lasting relationship but that does not make it less a type of love.
1238251
Hmmm, interesting. I guess when I say mindless, I think that this story could easily have ended at kissing and not gone into the 'raunchier' bits, but the goal was for me to challenge myself to write something physical instead of being carried by feelings or dialogue. And lasting relationship, no. RD has a lot to learn about love, and she's going to learn it in a short time... Because fast is her style
1238198 Yet you had to ask me for help.
1238389
Indeed. We are equally retarded my friend. And there's a special place in hell for us.
I found little to nothing at fault with this.
Enjoyable read. Hope you continue.
1229885
Go figure.
I'm not particularly fond of Rarity, but this was awesome.
Keep it up.
Mmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmyep~
1238414 Yeah, the lounge.
A cannon approach to love and sex in FiM...
Okay, so I'm not exactly a clop person. It'll take quite a bit to make me decide to... well, decide to read clop, so I have a question: Do you mean that this story will be a more realistic approach to how love and sex is handled in Equestria? If that's the case, then I'm willing to try. (I love stories that analyze Equestria's social customs.)
Oh, and congrats on getting into the feature-box.
1238414Damn good story man. I hope there are more chapters soon.
Rarity, I want you
and I want you to dashie
how so?
5 minutes later
:
1238464You pop up in the comments on every story I read. Great minds think alike.
I enjoyed this, I enjoyed it a lot. Not QUITE on the border of fappable, but you're certainly getting there.
I shall thumb this up and favorite this, but sadly, I didn't bring any-
*A banging from his ceiling interrupts Steel's train of thought, and he turns away from the monitor and looks up.*
What the hell could she want?
*A trap door opens in the ceiling, falling inwards, and a cyan pegasus pokes her head in.*
...Reading. What're you doing here? I didn't mention a reading group today.
*Rainbow Dash drops in through the trap door, a single saddlebag on her side. She reaches around and pulls out a small paper bag, walking over and putting it on the table.*
Huh...this for me?
*Steel takes the bag and opens it, looking inside. A single cupcake looks up at him with a lack of eyes, but a message that screams "EAT ME". A red decoration on the top of the cupcake could be mistaken for a fireball had it not been in a flammable bag.*
Ohhhhh, this is one of those new ones...
'Small bites', probably. Don't worry Rainbow, I know the drill.
*Steel takes out the cupcake, getting up from his chair and moving to the couch and table in the back of the room, sitting down on the leather apholstry.*
Go ahead and read the story, I'm gonna spend my time eating this.
*Rainbow goes through the story as Steel eats the new cupcake.*
1239447
*Rainbow stares at the monitor, leaning back slightly in horror as the room is lit up by a jet of flame spraying out of Steel's mouth.*
HOT! HOT! V-VERY VERY HOOOOOOOOT!!!!
HAHAAHAHOOOOOOOOOT!!!
*The jet of flame flies about the room as Steel sprints outside, screaming like a maniac on fire.*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Rainbow looks down, raising an eyebrow.*
HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*Rainbow flies out of the room, off into the sky. Time to help Steel calm his hot sauce problem down before he burns somepony's house down...*
1239036
. And I think my meaning of 'canon' is more along the lines of making characters react appropriately. I want the girls to approach sex the way they genuinely would instead of it not making a lick of sense or seeming out of character. They're not just lifeless shells for people to clop off to, they have feelings and emotions that carry the story to an inevitable conclusion. So I guess I'm posing the question 'Does physical contact get in the way of, or derail, a friendship?'
Thanks, this was pretty unexpected. Now that it's happened with two stories, I no longer feel like it was a fluke
1239447
Good, the last thing I want is people clopping to this. I know right? I write a clopfic, but I don't want people to get hot and bothered? I dunno, I'd rather people enjoy the friendship and bond that these girls all have, and see how physical attraction and developing feelings can either grow or get in the way of a proper friendship.
Also, I really, really struggled with the fact I was writing about horse vagina...
So this is a RD sexual exploration? i guess that's okay, though I wonder if it'll really warrant the romance tag. I say that, well approached, any of the mane six can be a good couple to any other. For a RDxRarity, see Salvation. Well, I'll follow this anyway. Good job!
Oddly, I'm anticipating the repercussions of this 'step-up' in their relationship rather than the prospect of further sex. I really love stories that explore potential social customs in Equestria, so it'll be interesting to see how you show sex to change relationships between characters. You managed to bring a lot of life into the two characters through your writing, and I can't wait to see how you characterize the rest of 'em.
Best of luck for future chapters.
1240018 I'll horribly misquote my personal favorite author on this one. "You've decided to write a story about the sexual interactions of fictional creatures which may not even have sex organs. That's a thoroughly ridiculous idea. Use that to fuel your writing." You're not writing about a cartoon, you are writing about two people who happen to have hooves instead of hands and sometimes wings, sometimes a horn, sometimes both. But despite this, they are people. Write them in character, write what you personally would find attractive were you not writing about ponies.
1240018Repressing those last two words before I get a mental im- CRAP
yay for porn
1240187
Good. I'd much rather people come for the sex, but enjoy the dynamics more. What just happened to RD is what she finally wanted, she explored the feelings that have haunted her dreams... But will her dreams be satisfied? Yes there will be more sex, but the hope is that people come back to find out how RD feels and not to see who she bones next.
1240202
To help your image, does RD have multi-hued pubes?
1240192
I love this quote. I swear I've said something similar to my friends on multiple occasions, as well as a long 'open letter to cloppers' I wrote. These characters aren't horses or ponies at heart, they're people and they're meant to reflect the feelings and troubles of the everyman/woman. That was my goal. What do people who connect with RD see in her, and what personal issues do they have that RD helps see them through? If I can come anywhere close to answering that question, then I'm happy.