Rarity Clips Her Toenails
Rarity awoke one fine morning. Yawning, she stepped out of bed, and looked down at her hooves like she did every morning. She cringed when she noticed the overgrown state of her toenails.
“Yuck! I better go clip those nasty things!”
Strutting off fabulously to Kitchen, where she kept her nail clippers, she saw Sweetie Belle was attempting to cook breakfast.
“Add some eggs, and...” Sweetie Belle dropped some eggs (shell included) into the pan she was working with, and grabbed a spatula.
“And now my pancake should be- GOLD AGAIN?” The frustrated filly picked up the gold bar and threw it across the room where it joined a large pile of the precious metal.
Rarity ignored her sister and rummaged through the sink, passing over soapy dishes and silverware, but came up empty on nail clippers.
“Sweetie Belle, where are my nail clippers?”
Sweetie Belle looked up from her horrendous failure at cooking. “Your what?”
Rarity gave Sweetie Belle an unamused look. “You know, the thing I use to clip my nails?”
Sweetie Belle looked around uncomfortably, unsure if Rarity was playing a joke on her or not. “Uh... you don’t have nails, Rarity.”
Rarity glared at her little sister for a few moments, then broke out into laughter. “Oh, you silly filly. Now, where did you put them?”
Sweetie Belle was now very pissed off at her sister. “I told you, I don’t have them! You don’t even have a logical reason to need them!”
Rarity sighed. “I didn’t want to have to do this.” The white unicorn inhaled deeply, then bellowed “TO THE DUNGEON!”
Nothing happened. Sweetie Belle cocked an eyebrow, then went back to cooking, which could be better described as “creating WMDs for a bio-nuclear war.”
“Damn, I was so sure that would work.” Rarity shrugged, then levitated a frying pan into Sweetie Belle’s head. The filly went out like a light.
When Sweetie finally came to, she was tied to a chair with a bright light shining in her face. Blinking rapidly, she tried to recall what had led her to be stuck like this. A shadow of a mare creeped just beyond the light.
“So, tell me, Sweetie Belle... tell me your secrets...”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes darted all around the room, even though the shadow was right there. “Rarity? Where are you? What’s going on?”
Rarity stepped into the light where Sweetie Belle could see her. “My, you are are a little dense. Now, spill it!”
Sweetie Belle began to sweat. “I have no idea what you’re talking about! Also, you’re extremely out of character. This isn’t something you’d ever do. It’s like we’re in a bad fanfiction or something!”
Rarity scrunched her face very close to Sweetie Belle’s. The little bound filly could smell the fabulosity on her sister’s breath. “You’re lying, Sweetie Belle... you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes tight, then said very quickly “Sometimes fantasize about eating pudding off of your stomach while Miss Cheerilee watches!”
Rarity took a few steps back, obviously weirded out. “No, I was talking about the nail clippers! Do you not remember this morning?”
“Did it have something to do with pudding?”
Rarity shook her head. “Darling, once I find my nail clippers, I’m going to enroll you in some counseling.” She turned and left the cellar.
“YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE-” Rarity slammed the cellar door shut, and bolted it shut.
“Now, time to find my nail clippers!” Rarity thought of all the places it could be. If Sweetie Belle hadn’t taken it, then there was only one other possible scenario...
“Twilight, why are you making me do this?” Spike felt extremely humiliated.
“Well, Spike, I figured when you cleaned up the house, you should wear more appropriate attire. Besides, you look great in a maid’s costume!”
“But why are you taking pictures?”
“Shut up.”
Spike scowled. The maid’s costume itched. “Hold on, let me take off my mini-skirt for a second, I-”
Rarity bucked the door open. “Twilight, give me back my- um...”
Spike blushed, the mini-skirt around his ankles while Twilight’s camera continued to flash. “No, Rarity, this isn’t-”
Rarity ignored the dragon, and waltzed over to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, give me back my nail clippers right this instant!”
“Rarity, I-”
“Because you know you took them, you dirty thief!”
“Hey, I didn’t-”
“You just can’t keep your hooves off my things, can you?”
“Now, listen here, Rarity-”
“And, you’re taking provocative pictures of Spiky-Wiky!”
“It’s for science!”
“And on top of all this, you ate all the butter yesterday-”
Twilight put the camera down. “I don’t have your clippers, Rarity!”
Rarity blinked, and then smiled sheepishly. “Oh. Well then, I’ll um... leave you and Spike to your... um, thing, then!”
Spike’s face contorted in fear. “No, don’t leave me here with her!”
Rarity abandoned the house, and broke down crying the street. several ponies passing by look on awkwardly, except Rainbow Dash, whose wings began to rise, because she’s into that sort of thing.
Through her tear-blurred eyes, Rarity saw a pony walk up to her. Emerging from the mist like an angel, the heavenly figure touched down beside her.
And smacked her in the face.
“Ow, what was that for- Applejack?”
The orange mare was filthy, and she had some very nasty scratches and cuts. “You’re darn right it’s me! Ya can’t just go catapulting me off inta parts unknown! It took me five whole weeks (give or take), but Ah’m back! Now, I’m here for revenge!” Applejack cocked a gun, somehow holding it with her hoof, disobeying all natural laws. “Now, put your hooves up!”
Rarity stared at the mare. “No.”
Applejack was confused. “But Ah have a gun!”
Rarity shrugged. “I don’t care! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my nail clippers.”
“What, you mean these things? I borrowed them to clean my teeth.” Applejack handed (or hoofed, or whatever, I don’t care) over the nail clippers.
“Why, thank you Applejack. I guess that’s why they call you the element of honesty!”
“What.. Ah don’t even...” Applejack was beyond confused. Rarity smiled and hugged her. Then, something dawned on the Element of Generosity.
“Wait, I don’t have toenails.”
“Aw, shut up and cry some more! This was just getting sexy!” Rainbow Dash yelled from the background.
“Oh well,at least nopony got hurt!” Rarity grinned. “Now, why does it feel like I’m forgetting something?”
Meanwhile, in the cellar...
Sweetie Belle stared off into the darkness. “Hello? is anypony there?” Thousands of small red eyes began to appear all around her.
“Fuck.”
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I don't even................................................................................................................................................................................
1224200 Wasn't it amazing?
Toenails...
1224220 If you read the fic it will make sense.
1224219
Yes.
Yes, it was.
I read some funny random things
, I've also read random funny things
. But I never read any funny and random things
!
I think my brain broke.
That's it, I'm faving this!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
1224233 i.qkme.me/35j7jb.jpg
Too bad the tital is off putting, people are scared away and just disliking without reading!
That... was...
.__.
... fairly funny
-Reads title
"What is this she doesn't..."
(Expects to tear it apart)
-Reads story
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
(Is mildly amused)
To be honest, I found the in-character bits (Sweetie Belle's 'cooking' and Rarity's drama) funnier than the out-of-character bits (most everything else). But it wasn't bad.
Inb4 feature box due to being a short, silly story
I was there. I saw half of this happen! I AM A GOD NOW!
Good shit damn !
Okay, honestly, it felt like you were trying a little too hard. It was amusing, but not really laugh-out-loud funny. Keep writing!
If this gets featured, I'll eat my hat. encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRrfiX-vHUfXCcWxF9BzaUQDw50x0zWUAJfUQUmlb5ulAMX6C3X8w
Pic of my hat.
1225198 Here, let me up your ante 1.bp.blogspot.com/-zn34mjaMgCs/TuupyrJfqRI/AAAAAAAAAR0/kwgZpYFzntE/s400/largest%2Bhat.png
“And now my pancake should be- GOLD AGAIN?” I remember that Doritos commercial.
1224501 Ah, if only.
1226370
Weird, usually 1000-word silly fics get instant feature box, 11/10 times.
1226386 I guess the system hates me.
i made an account just to favorite this
1251778 Hey, thanks! I get that a lot...
TITLE IS LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
5/5
1260518 Yay! More Mustaches! I'll add them to my collection...
1264516pete.com/files/photos/excellent-frog.jpg
This was the best worst fanfiction I've ever read. Have my babies?
1524343 i1050.photobucket.com/albums/s404/some_guy123/PerhapsPeterGriffin.jpg
That was hilarious. Good job!
1599494 Thank you!
I want to see two things: an expansion of Twilight forcing her weird fetishes on Spike until that situation reaches a breaking point, and Sweetie Belle donning armor to do epic battle with an army of rats.
1628427
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28698607.jpg
.... Why did I even click this?
1674972
1674978 Ah, yes. Because of Regidar and his weirdness. WELL! Off to read more pointless shit that turns my brain to mush.
Weird comedy that makes no sense in any way of mind... checkmate.
Also, 'Seven Psychopaths' reference.
1791453 I loved that movie.
Like Voldemort and Goku, i fucking died.
Very funny and most excellent!
I wonder sometimes about things. I wonder about the existence of life and why things are the way they are. Why can't things be different. Is that selfish to think that way? It is human to always want more. If we were gods, we would wish to be greater gods. If we were given another world, we would jump all over it.
Good and bad is all in the eye of each person. Good and bad do not truly exist. There is only what is and what isn't and how we choose to react to those two things. I react by breathing, smiling, and wondering about life's purpose for each individual.
No more words. I will only move forward. Your story, I smiled a couple times reading this.
-Reader Out-
4302167 it's all subjective, yes
4303086 My mind was all over the place when I wrote that comment.
I normally don't do that kind of thing. :/
Half a horse's whinny.
I feel something like regret
I'm not sure that it's as good as the first one, but I like that Applejack comes back from the last story's catapult.
10785023
In any case I’m glad you found the early 2010s Internet-era attempted comedy of a 14 year old entertaining
It does something nearly like warming a cockle of my heart