• Member Since 6th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago

Incognito Velvet

(don't tell anyone)



A human suffering from a mysterious recurring nightmare is rescued one night by Princess Luna, and plucked from her world into the magical lands of equestria. The catch? Equestria's magic is slowly transforming her into a pony, and there's no safe way home! Our protagonist must learn to adapt to her new life and make new friends, deal with an increasingly manic Twilight, and maybe even improve as a person with this second chance she’s been given.

And Twilight Sparkle seems to be kind of on edge lately... I wonder why?

Ah, no worries, it’s probably nothing! And besides, life is best enjoyed at its own pace, right?

A HiE story that I am determined will not feature magical destiny or world-ending threats, and is more of a slow burn than anything else, so I hope you can lay back and enjoy the ride.

This story is a Serial Novel Society story: Updates will be on a weekly schedule.

Huge thanks to 0_0 who has fixed a ton of mistakes in early chapters!

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 109 )

So far, so good.
I like HiE stories, and this one is definitely worth a follow.

OK, First of all, I love the cover Art. Secondly, I'm very impressed by what you have here. Your beginning is fun and unique. You didn't slapstick the introduction to the world or the ponies like so many Authors do. The reason for the problem and the way he gets into Equestria is unique. You put some thought into it instead of copy-pasting what was done before. Very well done.

The Characters reactions and behavior is refreshingly adult, and more important, reasonable. I've never liked the over reaction terror filled nonsense that so many Authors insist on writing. Your lightbulb-caveman analogy that the character uses is the right reaction rather than the more common and ridiculous. ' Ogga-booga strange, ogga-booga magic, react like frightened chimpanzees.' Which a modern human who grew up on cartoons and video games just wouldn't.

Earlier last week I made a comment about deriding an author for writing "Another one of these". In it, I pointed out that even though some story types are beaten into the ground, Authors should try to write more of them because every now and then you get a real gem. An Author that thinks-outside-the-box and adds something of value to the site.

Thank you for proving me right. The fact that your introduction and opening is different from the norm, makes my point beautifully.

Keep up the great work, and I'm looking forward to more.

I look forward to giving you a thumbs up when you earn it, and I think you will.

The Monk
“On her doorstep was Twilight Sparkle. While Derpy deeply respected the mare, like most in Ponyville, they wished she'd either switch to decaf, or start hitting the harder stuff.” -Dan_s Comments

Thank you very much! I’m glad your opinions align with mine on the genre as well :twilightsmile:
The next 2 chapters are written but need a little more refinement before they go up, and I will endeavor to keep the quality on the upswing!

Looking good so far, this is going on my watching shelf. You don't see female protags in HiE fics very often, which is a nice change of pace, and I'm liking your concept here and the writing quality is good. Looking forward to more.

Like it so far can't wait for the next chapter

The next one’s a real doozy! I’m firing on all cylinders now that most of the setup is down, so I hope you enjoy what’s coming!

I am all for blatant self insertion! Lead away, the journey is more important than the destination.

Hmmm... I foresee "not exactly according to plan" popping up.

What could possibly go wrong? :derpytongue2: On a somewhat related note the next chapter is 99% finished super duper ahead of schedule, so I might decide to post it later today.

Well, shall we see where this rabbit hole goes, Alice?

At first I wasn't sure if I really liked the main character, but it's reassuring to see she has some self-awareness, and the story has been setting up for a bit of a character arc.
I like that Spike got a role of his own. I will often forget he's there myself, but I like stories that make use of and flash out more characters from the show than just the most commonly written about.
Yay for the Golden Oaks Library. It feels homelier than cold crystal.
Funny Twilight wasn't afraid her illiterate guest wouldn't confuse mouthwash for a potion :rainbowlaugh:

Aside from a few capitalisation issues here and there, it's been decently proofread, too. I am curious to see how this story develops. And I am looking forward to the possibility of longer chapters as well :)

PS Bonus points for her favouring the Princess of the Night :heart:
PPS How do we refer to her? "The other Bookish"? Maybe soon we can call her "horse Bookish"

I’m glad you like it so far! The way you can refer to the character is as Bookish, because people usually call me Velvet!
And you might be onto something with your hopes ;) I’ll try to not disappoint

Hmmm... more of an equal and opposite reaction, if I do say so myself. But, Consequences works.

How many chapters long will this story be?

Good name, I might just steal it :ajsmug: Do you like the idea of chapter names though?

I’d estimate this first arc to be about 15 chapters long? But the story as a whole maybe about 50 chapters. It’s hard to say though.

Yes. They stick with me better that numbers. Bleh! And can you really call it stealing? I prefer the term Commandeered.

🌎Poor child of great change💫
🌟Her concatenated life✨
Stormy horizon


The years seem long—just—
Waiting for a new sunrise
One forgets bygones

Feeling her world's loss
Unknowing of a soft touch
Time to be healing

Bookish nearly ODs, gets a taste of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice, and goes anthro. I'm liking how slice-of-lifey these last few chapters have felt, too.

Ooh, Equestria uses metric. Neat :twilightsmile:

I have to say though, I am really not used to putting more than one character's dialogue lines in one paragraph.

Chapter names would be welcome too! I don't know if this makes any sense, but mere numbers just feel "impersonal" or something? More like an entry on some spreadsheet, than something from a full blown story with characters and all

I’ve comandeered your title for chapter 6! I wasn’t quite sure for a few of these chapters, but we are titled!

It is after all entirely my fault.

I disagree. Bookish isn't free of it but a good part of it is Twilights fault. Telling someone you know can't read to "read the label" is just negligent especially if it's the label of something that can kill them. Personally I even think expecting Bookish to find the right potion in the first place was already playing with fire. Maybe that's just Germany but when I get anything in the drugstore I'm already told the dosage even if it's something FAR less dangerous like allergy pills.
Granted Bookish not immediately shooting back at that and later just taking the stuff is utterly irresponsible (to not say stupid) too.
So yeah, to me they share the blame pretty much 50/50.

My biggest problem with the whole deal is that I feel that Twilight blaming Bookish here is out of character for her. Twilight always strikes me as a pony who will take more blame rather than less so her "your stunt" comment seems ooc to me. The alternative would be that Twilight is unaware of her own fault in the matter which also seems ooc for her too. She must have stressed over the deal the entire time so she must have asked herself how it came to that and blaming herself really isn't a huge leap from there especially for Twilight whose mental leaps are jarring sometimes ("magic kindergarden" anyone?).

Maybe Twi is just too worried right now and victim blaming as a show of worry is a well established trope, if that's what you are going for, but I don't like it. Either way I'd love to see it addressed at a later date maybe. I'll be continue to follow the story either way.

I see what you’re saying about Twilight, but we know she hasn’t been sleeping properly ever since getting that book! And yeah, you might be seeing something adressing this soon. :raritywink:

Yeah, but Luna should be scolding Twilight, not Bookish. Bookish did follow the directions she was given. Twilight was the one being criminally negligent by giving bad directions for a drug with a therapeutic dose near its LD50. Kinda paints Twilight as a stone-cold psychopath and Luna as an idiot.

Rereading ch6, When I assume Luna's tone is worried, it reads much truer to character. Maybe I just wasn't in the right headspace when I read that. For some reason Luna kinda got my heckles up on the first read.

Not so much, on the Luna front, have you read chapter 7 yet? And you’ll note that Luna isn’t railing Bookish for what she did, but actually how she acted after the fact. Bookish very narrowly escaped death, and Luna was rightfully concerned. But again, well spotted by you guys that Twilight isn’t exactly being her cautious and attentive self.

I want to say I'm really enjoying this so far. You have a fun chemistry with her and Spike too.

My real criticism here is that Luna should have chewed Twilight out in that letter or in person (If not call her into Bookish's dream to apologize in ~sort of~ person). Luna should of have had a real come to Jesus Celestia moment with her, not an off-hoof comment in paragraph two. Twilight told (functionally) a child to go dose their own chemo drugs, then got snippy when they took a fatal amount. While I could see Twi forgetting that she's illiterate and Bookish not appreciating how dangerous the potion was, everyone's reaction to Twi's gross neglect is a jarringly blasé. While at the same time Twi and Luna have been more than a bit mean spirited toward Bookish. I have a hard time understand how Bookish can even be comfortable around them, they've done nothing but heap trouble and ridicule on her.

That said, I'm kinda fascinated with your writing system. I'm I understanding that it works kinda like a phonetically constructed syllabary: 1 to 3 letters are clustered into a syllable? So “We’re ponies, not horses!” would be written something like: "[wɪə] [pəʊ][niz], [nɒt] [hɔ][sɪz]!" but instead of brackets, the letters would be stacked or in a little triangle. You may want to look at the Korean and Aztec writing systems for inspiration. They both stack sounds into a single character.
I'm something of a language nerd with a few collage classes on linguistics and language under my belt. If you want help with your writing system, I'd be happy to assist.

Ah, a nice, calm moment... Well! How far can we crank up the stress before something gives?

I wonder :raritywink:
Glad you’re still enjoying, and hope you’ll enjoy what is in store for our protagonists :trollestia:

Thank you for producing such wonderful entertainment. I can't wait to see what's next!

Luna grounded Bookish? :rainbowlaugh: Let's hope she's not literally under house arrest xD

Calling Bookish her "ward"? Does Luna think she's Batmare?
"I swear to Celestia!"

When I was little, I once tried staying up late by holding my hand up. I fell asleep anyway, but the resulting slap to the face woke me right back up. So that's kinda a success?

Aww, I love stories that don't try to substitute stuff like blood relation for family values ^^

aha I didn’t know there was a ward in batman, I meant it like as in the medieval concept! Thanks for continuing to enjoy <3

There was some comic Linkara did a video on, and in it Batman said in a creepy way to the boy he just kidnapped "you will be my ward". I think that was a reference to Burt Ward, the actor who played Robin in the show.
To be honest, this might have been the only time I ever saw this word before, so I just didn't really know what it means XD

Thank you for continuing to write!

I can’t even see my hand in front of my face. I try to wiggle my toes, but there’s no sensation.

You had me there thinking her transformation had progressed haha

Aww, Luna is on Selective Magic Reuptake Inhibitors? I bet the whole Nightmare Moon debacle could have been prevented, if she just saw some of the groups here.

She blushes deeply, the fur on her face turning a bright blue.

Oh, that's a unique take on pony blushing. Easier to imagine than redness shining through the coat.

Wait a second. I cringe, once I realise the reasoning. Sunday for Celestia, and Monday as in the modernisation of Moonday for Luna. I bet that’s the fucking reason, too.

I love that :rainbowlaugh:

Fun chapter, Velvet!

Heehee. I had a lot of fun with the scenes in this one, and I’m glad you like it!:twilightsmile:

Is anyone else having problems with the chapter Pancake panic constantly reverting to "Unread" status?

I must have check marked it 4 times.

“A spider’s got to spider.” -Scarheart

It was difficult seeing Bookish in that state, and how that affected Twilight. Sad to hear about her school experiences too. An education system that give so many people emotional baggage for life, could maaaybe use some reform?

Ugh, there’s nothing to do around here.

Getting to live in a library, but being illiterate. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

If I were her, I wouldn’t let me anywhere near flasks of potions again.

So, she's not considering a career in alchemy. Wonder what will pick up her interest.

Yay for Clover the Clever getting some love! So many people only ever talk about Starswirl, because of Twilight's constant fangirling over him xD

Mmhm, this chapter was very hard for me to write for the obvious reasons...
And since the eqg with the memory stone, I've always thought that Clover was waaay more hardcore than Starswirl, so I wanted to give her some love!

Twilight deserves her privacy.

He says after reading her mail and opening most of her packet... just saying.

But the reason Spike is reading the note is because he’s checking that everything is what it says it is. He’s just doing part of his job as the Number 1 Assistant here.


Getting to live in a library, but being illiterate. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

:rainbowlaugh: I can’t believe I missed this when I read your comment last week, that’s too funny!

Now we're getting somewhere interesting.

What is the Serial Novel Society?

It’s a group for serial stories, and I felt compelled to click to apply 🤷

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