• Member Since 28th Aug, 2018
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Rainbowfan45


27 year old aspiring writer and avid MLP fan. Also loves coffee, chocolate, cats, books, and playing guitar...in that precise order. Also: FLUTTER DASH BEST MLP/EQG SHIP FOREVER. Fight me, I dare you.

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Rainbow Dash is one tough teenager. Althletic, bold, daring, and loyal. She prides herself in being able to handle anything. Then she starts getting little love notes in her locker, her backpack, her shirt pocket, her books. All signed with a ton of x's and o's and little pink hearts, but no name. She starts falling in love with the notes and by intension their sender, and wants to locate them...gradually suspecting she knows who.

Pinkie Pie is one of Rainbow's best friends. She loves everything about the althlete, from her magenta eyes to the brightly colored hair that matches her name. Scared for the first time in her life, Pinkie can't bring herself to admit it to her face, so she takes to leaving notes.

She knows Rainbow wants to find the sender, but what will she do about it when she does? Will she be angry, or maybe, just maybe, return her feelings?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 5 )

even found one stuck in my shirt pocket yesterday after I left the girls' showers after soccer practice."

Heavily implying she's already figured out her admirer is a girl.

"Is it annoying?" Sunset asked, curiously.

So, I'm not religiously against adjectives, but there are better ways to express this. Like, I dunno: "her eyes brimming with curiosity" or whatever. Anyway, get rid of that comma. There is no need to have a pause there.

"By now, if it was me, Ah might truthfully be just a tad tired of it." Applejack piped up in Rainbow's direction. "But then Ah ain't much for all that hyper-romance stuff like Rarity."

"You are romantic enough, at least for me." Rarity leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Gosh darn it, Rare, not in public!" Applejack muttered, tugging her hat down to hide her red face.

Casual secondary Rarijack shipping is appreciated. :twilightsmile:

Inwardly she was hoping with all she had that Rainbow was not annoyed at the notes, considering they were her creations and declarations of the deep love she felt for the athletic girl.

Okay, so, this sort of exposition isn't technically wrong, but you really could be more subtle about it. Even if you're not trying to set up a big plot twist, it's totally okay to just imply that Pinkie is the one writing the notes. If anything, spelling it out like this makes you come across as a bit insecure.

Don't underestimate the intelligence of your readers - they can figure stuff out on their own, and that's more gratifying that being told stuff they may have found obvious in the first place.

Sunset was intently studying the note,

This is what we call passive voice: "Sunset was studying the note." As opposed to the active voice: "Sunset studied the note."

The difference being which part of the sentence is given priority. In this case, it's suggested that the note itself is the subject. The fact that Sunset is the one studying it, and the fact that she's doing so intently, is implied to be unimportant.

It's generally advised that you try to write in active voice as much as possible, since it gives a stronger, clearer and more direct impression of what you're trying to communicate. That's not to say you should never use passive voice, but you always need to keep in mind what you're trying to say and find the best way to do so.

"Actually, we can narrow it down quite a bit right now." Rarity pointed at the page. "The writer dotted their i's with tiny hearts, and some of these letters and words have cute little curlicues, not to mention the abundance of pink hearts. Whoever wrote these is a girl, I'd stake my reputation as a fashion expert on it!"

Well, I mean, I'd better hope so because the alternative is a guy willing to sneak into the girl's locker room during PE class just to leave a love letter. Which is kinda creepy AF.

"Is Rainbow here into girls?" Sunset asked with a smirk.

Rainbow leaned forward in her chair, a mischievous grin on her face, and motioned for Sunset to come closer. Sunset raised her eyebrow and stayed where she was.

"Come here and I'll show you if I'm into girls or not." Rainbow's lips curled into a slightly more seductive smile as her magenta eyes snapped teasingly.

"You're horrible." Sunset declared, uncomfortably, throwing her napkin at the now laughing athlete.

Hell yes. This is the Rainbow I like to see. You own your sexual orientation, girl.

She slammed Rainbow's locker and rushed away to class, not noticing the prismatic blur that quickly ducked out of sight.

Yeah, good luck sneaking around a chick with goddamned super speed.

"I finally narrowed it down to about ten people, you and Flutters included. Then I straight up asked each one if they wrote them. They all denied it, and I had AJ with me to act as a human lie detector. That just left you."

Again, this is why Rainbow is awesome. Screw complicated detective work, just confront all potential culprits directly. This isn't a murder mystery or whatever: Do you have a crush on me, yes or no?

"I-I've loved you for a while now, but I was a little too scared to say it, so I figured I would leave the notes, and see if you liked those, and then if you did maybe there was a chance you would like me back, or maybe actually love me, so I just kept wri-"

Rainbow's lips captured hers in a gentle kiss, effectively silencing her hyper and nervous rambling.

Again. Rainbow Dash. Awesome.

Seriously, this is how I like to see her written: Confident, not getting wishy-washy and embarrassed. She's a tomboy, sure, but that doesn't mean she's insecure when it comes to romance. As long as she knows what she wants, she goes all in.

Over-all, good job. It's not super deep or anything, and it doesn't have much of an actual plot. But as a short, cute romance story it works fine. There's some technical stuff you might want to work on, but otherwise this is totes satisfactory.

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The comma was an accident and has been removed. XD thanks for pointing it out. I do all my own editing, and by the time all of my writing is done my mind is not too keen on catching mistakes. I should probably consider a proofreader/editor at this point. :facehoof:

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I do all my own edits as well - it's basically become habit for me at this point. I do understand the benefits of having an editor, but I also think you should be able to catch most errors on your own. Keeps you from getting complacent, you know?

A good trick is to read the story out loud to yourself. You can also have Fimfiction's text-to-speech function read it for you. I typically do both. Some mistakes are going to slip through regardless, but usually some reader catches them early on.

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