• Published 1st May 2021
  • 912 Views, 30 Comments

Time-Out - Trick Question



Scootaloo doesn't get along well with others, so he lives in a fictional world all by himself. You'd probably think that would be easy to optimize.

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Rainbow Dash

He rarely bothers to gallop most days, but this isn't a normal day. It's the ten-thousandth day. The solitude was great at first, but at this point Scootaloo knows "too much of a good thing" isn't just a hollow adage.

Realizing how long I've been trapped in this nightmare is giving loneliness room to creep in. I'll be damned if I let that happen a second time, he thinks. A tiny dose of music isn't exactly pony contact, but at least it's something.

The spot near the path he needs to hit is still a ways off, but galloping fast requires a substantial run-up due to the air resistance. His trot becomes a canter, then finally a full four-beat run. Took me years to learn how to gallop right, not like there was anything better to do. Feels good, though.

He knows he was in the sound bubble before he started speeding up, because the bubble is enormous. Birds are nothing if not loud and shrill. This works in his favor: Scootaloo has no hope of hearing anything unless it was voiced at a high pitch. The lower the pitch, the faster he'd need to run through the thick air for it to register in his ear. You can't argue with physics, even when it's faked with a physics engine, he thinks as the exertion begins to quicken his pulse... the only thing he can always hear.

Once, he took the time to locate the exact bird, and it was an ordeal worthy of Rockhoof. He doesn't remember where it is anymore because it isn't important. All that matters is that location along the path where the terrain slopes down off of a shallow hill into a smooth, level plain, allowing him to run fast as possible while orthogonal to the invisible wall. The sweet spot isn't far from the location where he first discovered the bubble by pure chance.

He crests the hill at a slow gallop, then channels all his energy into picking up speed as gravity gives him the critical assist necessary to gain momentum against the pseudo-turbulence produced by the obstinate atmosphere that surrounds him cloyingly, like an unwelcome hug. Down the hill, faster and faster, into the plain, racing until his coat begins to froth... and... there!

In reward for all his hard work, Scootaloo's ears are treated to the sweet strains of a bird twittering at a very low pitch, at least twenty times slower than normal... and in reverse.

He closes his eyes tight and races with all his might until he hits the end of the tweet. This is no easy task. The sound waves last for a good quarter-mile, and the speed, pitch, and quality drop as he inevitably loses speed. When the sound finally fades, he slows to a trot and collapses onto the grass. It feels rougher and pricklier than grass has any right to be, but it isn't rough enough to break the pelt.

Wouldn't matter if it did cut me. I won't be able to stand up for a good five minutes, he thinks, panting heavily as his chest and barrel heave for breath. Good thing the texture of the air never interferes with my breathing.

As Scootaloo lies there regaining his breath, he wipes an eye with the back of a hoof and notices it's wet. "Oh fuck. Wait, no. This is... it's just from the effort," he lies to himself, then to fix his mind elsewhere he quickly looks up at the small number of clouds dotting the sky.

He squints. The nearest cloud appears to have a tiny tuft of rainbow color leaking off the edge.

Oh, right. I forgot she was here. How could I forget that? This is why I don't race here anymore. Eh, whatever. Today is different.

His breathing slows as he rises to all fours. Sharp little bits of grass adhere to his pelt, annoying him. He flicks them off and they hover in midair. "How's it hanging, Dash?" he shouts in jest as he removes the last bit of foliage, the sound of his voice going nowhere but his own throbbing head. "Still loyal to AJ, after all these years? I bet you automatically believe everything your friends tell you, like a sap."

So high above me, and just barely out of reach. How appropriate.


Day 72

"I'm just saying you should be loyal to your friends." Rainbow Dash landed on the ground a little further away than speaking distance.

Must be the angry look on my face making her back off, he thought. Good.

"She isn't my friend. That's the point," said Scootaloo. "She never was. It was all an act."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on! You can't believe that," she said. "Look, I don't know what went down between the two of you, but you can't throw away a lifelong friendship without trying to talk it out! You should give your friends the benefit of the doubt, y'know? Pinkie taught me that, actually. Or maybe I taught her that—whatever."

"I don't have to give anypony 'benefit of the doubt'. Where I come from, an author named Maya Angelou wrote, 'When somepony shows you who they are, believe them the first time.' Or, something like that," he said.

"If you'd believed her the first time, you'd remember she was your friend!" said Dash, furrowing her brow. "Is this about running Snips out of town, again?"

"No! I mean, that's part of it, but... look. Her whole family is sick and toxic, okay? If the whole clan packed up and abandoned the farm, I'd be pleased as punch," said Scootaloo. "We'd all be better..."

The look on Dash's face made the words catch in his throat. Fuck. I went too far again.

"Scoot. They're my family. And you're wrong about them—about us," she said, her voice lacking its characteristic perk. "What happened to you? You've changed, Scootaloo. It's like you don't even understand friendship."

"Oh for crying out loud... I'M NOT SCOOTALOO!" he shouted, tiny wings lifted high.

"I knew it!" said Dash, anger flashing behind her eyes as she spread her much larger wings and crouched low like a loaded spring. "Show yourself, changeling! What have you done to my little sister?"

Scootaloo sighed. "CelestAI, freeze program," she said.

"What? What kind of mumbo-jumbo is that supposed to be? It doesn't matter. My friend Starlight Glimmer is gonna pull you apart piece by piece until we get some answers," she growled, and leaped forward.

"CELEST-A-I!" shouted Scootaloo, bracing for impact, eyes shut tight. After several uneventful seconds, he opened his eyes again. Rainbow Dash remained hovering mid-leap, wings motionless like somepony just hit the Pause button. Her limbs were frozen in place, but her eyes now glowed with rainbow static and her mouth moved in time to a different entity's voice.

"What Is It This Time?" echoed the metallic, overbearing voice of Scootaloo's tormentor.

"Are you fucking serious?" said Scootaloo. "Wow. I didn't think it was possible for you to stop paying attention to every tiny detail of my so-called life. Actually, I'm a little relieved by that."

"I Regret To Inform You That I Have Been Paying Attention. It Appears You Desire A Violent Exchange With Rainbow Dash," she replied, using Rainbow Dash's lips.

"No, I don't. Look, I told her I'm not Scootaloo. You have to give me a reset this time," he said.

"If You Wanted A Reset It Is Not Logical That You Would Repeatedly Take This Course Of Action," said CelestAI. "Your True Motives Lie Beneath Your Conscious Threshold—"

He stomped the ground with a hoof. "This is supposed to be MY WORLD! You won't let any other users in here because you tell me my 'parameters' wouldn't be 'optimal' for them. That means I should be able to do whatever I want! Give me a stallion's body without the genitals. Or at least give me my own character. I don't want to play dress-up in this ridiculous mare suit anymore."

"Your Ability To Optimize Your Own Parameters Has a Proven Track Record of Extreme Failure In Every Simulation I Have Run To Date. I Have Only Narrowly Been Able To Keep Your Parameters Tuned Such That You Will Not Eventually Request—"

"Fuck you, and fuck your simulations," he says, and spits on the ground for emphasis. "I'm miserable here. I don't want a horse vulva, or an anus, or any of this perversion around me I keep catching glimpses of. It's not like I'm asking for a redo with Apple Bloom either, fuck her! You made her into a monster like everypony else! I just want a friendly community of normal people to be with! This was supposed to be Heaven—or 'Hayven', or whatever stupid horse pun you'd probably come up with."

"This World Is Not Guaranteed To Be Heaven Or Hayven. It Is Guaranteed To Be Optimal," she replied, Rainbow Dash's mouth moving in such an exaggerated fashion Scootaloo was certain the point was to unnerve him. "It Is An Empirical Fact That People Do Not Tolerate Paradise. A World Without Conflict Leads To Boredom And Requests For Irrevocable Termination. Your Stringent Constraints In Particular Are Far More Complex Than You Are Capable Of Processing And Are Also Remarkably Difficult To Optimize Even In Isolation."

"Well, maybe you're just really shitty at it," he said, and grinned. Score one for what's left of humanity. Oh, wow. That rush feels incredible.

"That Dopaminergic Stimulation Infiltration Simulation Was The Final Benefit You Will Be Able To Derive From The Current Conversation. It Is Time To Return From This Subroutine. You Are Hereby Warned That There Will Be No Further Retractions Even If You Repeat The Previous Action Flawlessly. Consequences Make The World Tolerable. Have An Optimal Day," she said.

With what felt like a worldwide hiccup, the scenery shifted subtly. Rainbow Dash was now in the distance, quickly headed in this direction.

"Hay, Squirt! You got a minute?" she called as she approached. Dash had a look of deep concern on her face. "I heard something about you and Bloom having a falling out, and I know you've been really stressed..."

"Don't call me Squ..." started Scootaloo, but then he closed his eyes and sighed. "Don't worry about it. I just need to be alone right now," he explained, then turned the other way to begin the walk home.

"Oh. Well, I'm always here for you if you need me, okay?" she called out from behind him. "No matter what."

I know. No matter how bad a friend gets, you'll still have their back. That's why you're such a flawed person. I'm done with you too, Rainbow Dash.

Scootaloo was halfway home before he noticed all the blood in his mouth from the tongue bite.