- Member Since 5th Jul, 2017
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Lone Writer
For softness is great and strength is worthless.
Lone Writer
Joined 5th Jul, 2017 ·
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This should be an interesting ride. Let's see where this goes.
Lets see where this leads, an interesting start to a new Fallout Equestria story
It's yer fellow writer from The Fo:E Discord Writing group. In case this gets misplaced or forgotten, I'll leave my critique here as well.
reading your prologue. It was quite good if I must say. For a short prologue, I feel as though you gave enough information to give your readers a perspective on Wildcard's behavior. Building a foundation for the personality in which Wildcard may have throughout the story unless he goes through character growth as the story progresses.
I'm not really attached to any of the other characters, however, other than knowing their names, I don't quite have a mental image of them due to a lack of character description. If they were more descriptive with the prologue I would have ascertained their image to better grasp the setting for the beginning of this story, hopefully, that gets fixed, unless these are essentially (NPC) characters that don't matter. If they do then hopefully they are better written in the future chapters to come. Since I would love to know more personally about recurring characters.
As for the setting, I'm not quite sure where they are. In a rundown house? Mentions of kitchen cabinets could either imply they are in a house or apartment. But at the end, It sounds like they resting in a house since it says how Wildcard opened a door and left. Which would be more descriptive if the shelter was in an apartment. Perhaps when starting the story both outside and inside settings can be mentioned. Further, give the reader the mental image to then have the dialogue correlate.
As for the dialogue, you have a knack for giving your character emotion, you know what you're doing, I believe so. However, when adding description within the dialogue, like an action. Sometimes it's best to place the action after the dialogue than in-between unless having it in between is compatible and doesn't disturb the flow of the dialogue is said.
For instance, when you wrote:
*“I found it in some Raider’s stash, like,” I rocked my head from side to side while trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head, “I don’t know, about a week ago?”
It'd be grammatically correct to have written: *“I found it in some Raider’s stash like I don’t know, about a week ago?” Rocking my head, side to side, trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head.
And end that particular sentence there.
Other than that, I have to say bravo! I can see potential in this story and am curious to see how chapter 1 plays out. Till then...keep up the good work.
10900860
Thank you for the advice! I'll try my best to incorporate it where I can moving forward.
10866732
10863771
Hopefully it entertains. lets see if I move you!
I am intrigued.
10901636
That's for the read! Glad you enjoyed it!
Eee!
Well hey, this was entertaining to catch up on. As I am currently working through the Metro games, those are what I can't help but envision in many of these settings, though I know that Stalker is what your story crosses over with more. You've reminded me that Shadow of Chernobyl has been installed on my PC for years now and I still have yet to play it >3<
But anyway, your fight scenes have a nice pace to them. I'm interested in learning more about Wilcard's history, what's going on with Stalliongrad and the big blue light, and also bat pone. Good fluffy bat pones are always a plus.
10983534
Glad you enjoyed it! The next few chapters should teach everyone about what's going on in the City of the Dead.
10983885
Hell yeah.
Starting with more thematic quotes than the original story really sets a different tone for how this is going to go. Though, I do believe that the second "it's" should be "its" since it is possessive. Otherwise, everything else here is intriguing. Kkat's story is definitely more focused on Littlepip and her getting her friends to go on a heroic string of quests to cleanse the wasteland. It isn't too caught up in moral shades of gray or much thought to contemplating the nature of the world that they're in. So much of Littlepip's focus on Red Eye was because she was projecting a lot of her fears onto him, while here Wildcard is clearly somepony that shows a sincere draw to his goals. The part about how in doing so he'll be neglecting that Red Eye accomplishes everything through tyranny and slavery is extremely ominous and a smart inclusion.
One thing I will admittedly miss is the perks. They have been one of the most entertaining things in each story so far, regardless of how fucked-up the actual events of the story are in the chapter.
Bruh, said tags are off.
That aside, I really enjoy the atmosphere that you've woven here. I know that you described this as being something of a multi-crossover, and while I did start to see that some elements of that appear to be coming into play, their significance isn't something I was able to grasp because I'm only familiar with Kkat's story. Though, I'm sure more will unfold as I read.
11119649
I'm extremely glad that it intrigues you. As much I love the little jokes and puns from the perks and skill acquired throughout other fics, I honestly feel like that the final punch to tell the reader what kind of story it will be. But I still may have a list what I think his perks are so where around. ;p
11119660
Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to take another look at the said tags in my story with my editors.
On another note, I planned on slowly dipping the reader into the world and it's rules. I can't have them getting confused.
Since I'm extremely new to the Fallout Equestria sub-fandom, I've noticed that incomplete stories are the norm, as are longer times between updates. Despite this, I'm leaning towards this possibly just being me. What I've noticed is that the hint of an overarching plot that was teased in the prologue appears to have retreated for a bit. I'm sure it became something of a cliche, but the opening chapter of Kkat's story starting with the character having a clear long-term objective that strengthened over the course of the first few chapters really gave a strong sense of direction to the reader as well. The prologue is key in showing something about Wildcard that we know is going to impact him now and in the future, but the current sense of directionlessness doesn't come across as entirely intentional. For stories rooted in action and lore-heavy exploration, that could pose a problem if it drags out too much or isn't eventually shown to be intentional and have some kind of payoff for why the information was withheld during your story's initial chapters.
That said, the ability you have to build an atmosphere and keep the characters consistently engaged is really notable. I definitely want to read more and see where this will be heading. (Also, I'm surprised at how few groups this is in. No wonder it is so underrated.)
11119802
I'd certainly want to see what those might be.
11119855
Ah yeah, very few stories can pull off a constant onslaught of 30k chapters and still give a decently-paced plot.
Scavengers, Trespassers, Adventurers, Loners, Killers, Explorers and Robbers.
Gonna read this story more in a bit, its got me hooked.
11170800
Thank you and I hope you enjoy the ride!
Heya, dropping in for a comment.
I absolutely love the idea of Stalliongrad becoming part Stalker, part Metro, it really adds such a different feel compared to the usual vibe of FoE.
I think it might have been mentioned in other comments but I think the sense of time and location can get away from you sometimes, for instace, I didn't notice when Wildcard, Silver Tongue and Blitz got cut off from the others, so was a touch confused when they weren't mentioned again with everything else going on. But, that might just be me.
Otherwise, this is good, i'll keep my eyes out for the next chapter.
Now get out of here Stalker.
11191669
That's fair. Writing that section was messy to convoy. My editors and me sat around for a few days attempting to parse out how to not just to blatantly drop such a visual event. A few pre-readers were like you and didn't notice, other did. But I'm probably being going over that passage again to try and get most to see the same thing. Thanks for comment!
Lovin it
11352613
Glad to hear it!
Great chapter
Catching back up but just dropping this here to say how cool the while Miller sequence was. Its been good to read through this again to get to the new stuff.
Yay, I do enjoy when FoE stuff dabbles in the zebra mysticism side of things. And it's always fun to see an aspect of the Dealer turn up.
11478045
Glad to have you back!
11478307
hehehe... Yeah.
Awsom loving it