• Member Since 1st Apr, 2021
  • offline last seen Yesterday

MuslimBrony-HowlinKnight


E

Joseph is a Brony who likes reading MLP fanfics . He has a good life but he has some problems. He gets transported to Digital Equestria and learns why he is there and tries to solve his problems and maybe help some ponies

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 5 )

I know Its kinda boring, it's my first incomplete first chapter after all

I would like to have honest feedback

I can never resist a good bit of wish-fulfillment. :twistnerd: For a first effort, I think this is not too bad; your narrative voice flows nicely and you keep the tense consistent all the way through. There are a few grammar errors, mostly missing periods at the ends of sentences, incorrect spacing at the ends of dialogue, and not using question marks for questions.

Jacob as a character is fairly bland, and writing about writing a story is a metafictional device that's usually deployed only sparingly (as it is somewhat of a cop-out), but I didn't dislike the character and found his curiosity somewhat endearing.

The infodump provided by CelestAI is a little dull, simply telling a whole lot of exposition directly to the reader, although in fairness if anyone's going to do it that way, it's an AI. :) The ending of the chapter is somewhat abrupt, too - this does not really feel like a natural place to end the conversation that they're having.

Aside from these issues I think you created a nice hook to begin with, teasing a digital world with the promise of more to come. Not a bad way to start. :)

10800243
Thank you very much for your helpful feedback.
Regarding the Abrupt ending It was because I was in a bit of a rush and wanted to submit the story for the “ Friendship is Optimal contest “ as soon as possible so it's not even a complete first chapter but soon I will complete it.
It the same reason why their are some writing and grammatical issues

Just note that English isn't my mother tongue

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!