The Girls Are Not Okay
~*~
“Bye honey!” Shining Armor called as he walked out the door of the castle, “I’ll be back late this evening! Looking forward to your daisy casserole”
“I’ll have dinner ready, dear,” Cadance called back from the kitchen.
She listened closely as the front door closed, then breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t come in to give her a kiss goodbye that morning. Shit was already getting pretty bad in here. The oatmeal she had so joyously made for her child was all over the wall, the floor and, of course, herself. She hadn’t known before that oatmeal dries in about thirty seconds once spattered like spackle, and that it dries with about the same hardness. But she certainly knew it now.
“Come on, kid,” she muttered, turning her attention back to the giddily cooing baby strapped forcefully into the high chair, “I know Sunburst can get you to eat, but he’s off today. And I’m your mom, so I’m going to do this. We’re going to do this. Okay?”
The baby looked up at her, made a squealing noise, and threw up on herself a little bit.
Cadance cringed away and shuddered. She’d always thought babies were cute. But at this point, she was pretty sure they were just secretion machines. Loud ones. Still, this was her offspring. If it was going to survive it needed food. And she wasn’t going to nurse it. No. Never again. It had a tooth now.
“Okay,” she said, shutting her eyes and taking a deep calming breath, “Okay. We’ve got this. Here we go. Here comes the… airplane?”
She made a buzzing noise with her lips and magically levitated a spoonful of oatmeal in front of the infant’s face. It moved towards Flurry’s mouth...which instantly shut. The child’s whole face contorted into one of distress. Her own magic enveloped the spoon, changing the color of its glow. Before Cadance could ready itself, the spoon catapulted back towards her, spraying her once again with lukewarm food. She shut her eyes just in time as she felt a small gob of it hit her face. When she opened her eyes again, the baby was cackling like this was what she had planned all along.
The princess of love sighed hard again. She’d foal-sat for Twilight without trouble. That kid was never this gross, neat as a pin in fact, the little clean freak. Why was this so different? She’d have to try something new. She’d have to try… deception. It was the only way.
Cadance opened her eyes and smiled widely. Flurry Heart, seeing her change of expression, went a little quieter and began studying her. Damn the kid was smart, probably suspicious already. Still, she scooped up a spoon of oatmeal once more and stepped with gliding strides to stand beside the foal. She leaned over and got right down next to the child’s ear.
“Flurry,” she said in a whisper, “I think it’s time you knew. You’re…. Adopted.”
The baby went still, and her eyes opened wide. Her jaw dropped in shock and her fur went extra pale. A gurgling sound of distress began to sound in her throat.
Before anything else could happen, Cadance shoved the spoon into the baby’s mouth, held it closed with one hoof, and used the other to pet her throat to get her to swallow. It was very much like giving a cat a pill. She felt the muscles move, pulled the spoon out, then did a little hoof pump of success.
“Yesss!” she crowed, “Nailed it! I am killin it with this parenting thing! I’m…”
She turned and found that Flurry was looking at her with large, watering eyes. The baby’s lower lip trembled. Tears collected in her eyes. Cadance’s stomach sank.
“Oh…” she said, “oh sweetie I…”
She reached out to put her arms around the infant… who promptly burped and spit up the entirety of the oatmeal she’d just been fed. Cadance let her outstretched arms fall back to her sides as any feelings of hope and pride left her.
“Crap.” she mumbled.
It was only a short time later when she began to smell it. It was a distinct smell, a terrible one that she dreaded in the depths of her very worst nightmares. Flurry Heart needed her diaper changed.
The princess felt color drain from her face, and she let out a groan.
“Oh my god,” she moaned as she looked over at the baby in the play pen, “how has Sunburst not taught you about toilets yet!?”
Flurry Heart made a sound like a frightened goose in response, and grinned. Cadance resisted the urge to just leave the house, the kingdom, perhaps even the whole hemisphere and never come back. She was a great mom. A good mom… okay a mom at least. And every mom could change a diaper.
She grabbed a rain poncho from the closet just in case then levitated the stinky child at at least arm’s length. A shudder ran through her as the stench intensified.
“Ewwww. How can you poop so much?” she muttered, “You barely even ate anything!”
“Gaaaah!” Flurry Heart said jubilantly as she moved through the air over onto the changing table.
“Okay Cadance,” the princess said to herself, furrowing her brow, “You’ve got this. It’s nothing. Just a diaper change. Work fast, and it’ll be over before you know it.”
She took a deep breath and held it in her lungs as she stood over the wiggling child and began the dark deed. As fast as she could, she undid the dirty diaper, pulled it away, closed it up, and put a fresh one under the baby. She didn’t get peed on, and it happened so quick she didn’t even have to exhale! Now, all she needed to do was throw away the diaper and…
She turned around and found that there was no trash can anywhere in sight. No diaper genie, no waste bin of any sort. In fact… there was no place for her to put the disgusting thing.
“Oh… oh no,” Cadance said, “But where…. I can’t…”
She looked back at the baby who still needed to be powdered and sealed up in the fresh diaper. She couldn’t leave her there like this but what was she supposed to do? Put the diaper on the floor? Put it somewhere where it could leak? Again, she shuddered all over.
“Uhhhh,” she said, glancing back at the baby, “Any thoughts?”
Flurry heart just cooed in response.
“Right, yes. Good,” she said through gritted teeth, “That helps a lot, thank you.”
Suddenly an idea occurred to her. It wasn’t her forte, but teleportation magic was, in fact, a thing she could do. She held the putrid diaper in front of her, shut her eyes and focused. A swirl of light enveloped it, then there was a quiet pop noise, and it was gone. Cadance looked back down at her daughter and smiled proudly. The baby was staring at where the diaper had been, eyes wide.
“Remember honey,” Cadance said, “If you don’t like something or something is upsetting you, just remember that it's just trash send it to the dump! It’s what my mother always said too! And now you know.”
She smiled warmly at the child. Something about sharing her own mother’s advice gave her a feeling of tenderness towards the child. It was like she was a part of a grander circle of life. Now, all she had to do was powder her and this would be done.
Cadance raised the bottle of powder.
“Almost finished, so here we g-”
She never finished her sentence. The baby shut her eyes, made a whining noise, and a swirl of light enveloped the bottle of powder. There was a soft pop and it was gone. A small pile of what looked like ash was all that was left in its place. Cadance stared in dismay at where the bottle had been, then back down at the child. Flurry Heart grinned proudly up at her.
“Did you just…” Cadance said flatly.
The baby screeched its dominance.
“Oh what have I done,” Cadance groaned, “Look, as long as you don’t…”
There was another glow and a pop. The diaper beneath the baby vanished just as quickly as the powder.
“Wait,” Cadance said, her eyes growing wide, “You were obviously too young for that lesson! I didn’t mean it like this!”
The diaper tape vanished in a flash of light. Flurry Heart giggled. Cadance wailed.
“For the love of all that is hold please stop!” she practically shouted.
Flurry Heart stopped wiggling and went still. She looked up at her mother with watering eyes again. This time, Cadance didn’t move to embrace her.
“Oh no,” she said, her eyes narrowing, “I’m not falling for that again. You almost puked on me last time, you little noodle. Who knows what bodily fluids you’d chuck at me this time.”
Seeming to understand, Flurry Heart stopped her lip quiver and glared in disappointment.
“That’s what I thought,” Cadance said defiantly, “And if you’re insistent on not wearing a diaper, then I guess it’s bath time for you little missy.”
Flurry heart made a pained sound as Cadance scooped her struggling body off the changing table. She’d done baths when the baby was brand new, and it hadn’t been that bad. How much worse could it be this time?
It was so much worse.
Flurry as poised over the small children’s tub with all four legs pinned squarely on the edges, like an animal who was afraid of water. Well… okay, so not like an animal. She was one. But either way, the foal was not budging. Not an inch. No matter how much magic, shoving or even tickling Cadance tried to do.
“Come… on… Flurry… Heart!” Cadance grunted, giving a hard shove down towards the water with each word, “You… are… gross… and… you… stink…”
The baby wailed plaintively and gave Cadance a pitiful look. She wasn’t having it. This kid was already a master manipulator and she would not fall for those big watery doll eyes anymore. She growled and gave one more hard shove. This, however, backfired terribly.
Flurry Heart bowed towards the water briefly, then slingshotted back in the other direction with such force that both she and her mother tumbled backwards into the bathroom. They crashed into the toothbrush cup, sending Cadance’s toothbrush directly into the toilet. The towel rack came off its moorings, tearing a small chunk off of the wall. There was a thud as Cadance felt something in her hip pop when she hit the ground.
She sat up slowly to see the baby sitting unharmed in the middle of the floor, clapping her front hooves together in glee. She glared at the kid.
Let’s have a baby, he said. It’ll be fun, he said.
“Whyyyy….” she moaned. “Flurry, why? You love the bath, or at least you did when you were-”
The idea hit her hard and fast, and she sat bolt upright with her ears pricked. A slow grin spread across her face. Of course! Love! How could she have been so stupid? She was the princess of love, after all, this was right in her wheelhouse!
Slowly, she stood up and directed her horn at the child. Flurry Heart cocked her head quizzically, as if sensing something strange was about to happen. Blue light poured out of Cadance’s horn, surrounding the baby. Flurry turned and looked at the bath. Her eyes suddenly turned to the shape of hearts, and she made a delighted coo. It was a success. Flurry now loved the bath. Morality of using magic on her own child aside, the plan had worked perfectly.
Flurry Heart clamored across the ground towards the tub, and Cadance helped lift her up and back into the water. The infant screamed in joy, and splashed her little hooves up and down. The princess sighed happily as she turned around to grab the no-tears shampoo and washcloth.
“See? Told you that you love the bath,” she said, “Now we just need to get you all squeaky clean before OH MY GOD FLURRY.”
As she turned back, she saw Flurry bent over in the tub, eyes practically rolled back in her head with happiness. Her mouth was wide open, and she was rapidly gulping down all the bath water. No. She wasn't drinking it. She was trying to breathe it in, through both her mouth and nose at the same time. It wasn’t joy in her face, it was a lack of oxygen!
With a cry, Cadance snatched the baby out of the tub and shook her vigorously up and down to empty the water out of her lungs. No sooner had she done this than the child immediately looked back at the tub and began reaching for it with both hooves. She whined and whimpered, just aching to get back in the tub and start breathing in all that lovely deadly water. Cadance looked down at the wriggling child in her arms with dismay.
“I can’t believe you came out of me,” she wheezed. “Sometimes I wish I could put you back and just pretend you’re indigestion.
As if on cue, the child began to cry loudly. Cadance just watched her, unsympathetic, and let parts of her mind go numb. Maybe if she just put her down and walked away, no one would notice. Maybe if she just… did a spell or something to make her older, she could explain it away as some villainous plot. Yeah. Get her through her baby years, then she wouldn’t have to deal with any of this crap any more.
But no. She knew that wouldn’t fly. She was stuck as a mother now. Forever.
“Shit,” she mumbled.
Flurry heart stopped crying. She turned to look at her mother and sniffed back a long line of snot running down her face. She stared into the princess’s eyes, and for a moment Cadance felt like maybe, somehow, they were beginning to understand each other.
“...thit.” said the baby.
Cadance looked down at her and died a little inside. It was her first word. Of course it was her first word. Why wouldn’t it be. The princess didn’t even bother to scold her or groan or even cry. She simply turned and walked out of the bathroom with her child. She was so numb at this point that she didn’t even realize that Flurry Heart, still diaperless, had started to pee all over her leg.
Cadance sat across from Flurry Heart, looking at her with slitted eyes. They had been like this for the last few hours, but the standoff didn’t seem to be getting any easier. The baby grinned back at her, occasionally making soft gurgles of glee and satisfaction. Her diaper was velcroed to the floor now, but Cadance still knew the kid could break free at any moment. Cause more havoc. Piss on something else. No, the baby wasn’t to be trusted. She knew that now.
“I’m on to you,” she hissed at the infant.
“Thit!” Flurry said in response.
“Yes, yes you are,” she growled.
This seemed to entertain the child, who went back to giggling hysterically.
From the front door there was a sudden knock, then a creak as it opened. Cadance’s head shot up and she smiled in pure relief. It was Shining Armor, he was finally home!
“Shiny!” she almost screamed, “Thank god you’re here I…”
He came into the room with a sullen expression, and she went quiet. He looked so grumpy, so exhausted.
“What a day,” he grumbled.
“Oh I know,” she said, “After you left, everything went crazy, and honestly I’m just kind of losing it here and-”
“Being a guard is the absolute worst,” he said, cutting her off like he didn’t actually hear her in the first place, “Nothing even happened! I just had to march back and forth, back and forth. I was on my feet the whole time, and it was boring like you wouldn’t believe! Just… mentally, totally wiped out right now. So exhausting.
“Yeah, I really understand how that must fe-”
“You are so lucky,” he said, turning her a glaring expression, “You just got to stay here and play with the baby aaaall day. I'm jealous. Heck, that’s crazy easy compared to what I have to do every day.”
“E-easy?”
Cadance felt a stab of anger rising in her belly. Shining rolled his eyes.
“I mean yeah, it’s just a baby. No problem there. Bounce her on your knee, give her a toy, a bottle. It’s just that simple, anyone could do it! Now being a guard, that’s a struggle. Totally mind-numbing, I’m telling you. Just be thankful you got to play mommy all day instead.”
Cadance gritted her teeth until her cheeks hurt.
“Shining…” she said, her tone a warning.
The unicorn looked around, still oblivious to her rage. He sniffed the air, then frowned, and turned back to her.
“Hey, I don’t smell anything cooking,” he said, “You told me you’d have the casserole ready when I got home, what gives?”
She’d had enough. She didn’t know what she was going to say or do, but she was sure as hell going to give him a piece of her mind! To belittle her, to be so condescending! To tell her this had all been easy? What did he know of the suffering, the vomit, and the fluids, god, all the fluids!! She closed on him, horn lowered, a growl in her throat. Rage built up, it was going to overflow.
Abruptly, there was a flash of light and a swirling beam of magic shot past her. Shining Armor was immediately enveloped in a glow, and then there was a loud pop noise. And… he was gone. In his place was a small pile of wispy ash and a scorch mark across the wood floor.
Cadance blinked, wondering what had just happened. She had considered some kind of curse spell, but she hadn’t cast anything. Yet. And Shining had different colored magic than that, so he hadn't done it to himself. Then, if she hadn’t done it and he hadn't done it...
The princess turned to look at Flurry Heart, who was giggling softly from her place velcroed to the floor. The baby’s expression soon faded into one of sheepishness, then fear based on her mother’s pointed look. Cadance stared silently from her daughter, to the pile scorched spot where her husband had been standing, then back to her daughter.
“D-did you,” she said haltingly, her voice trembling with every word, “s-send your father… to the dump? Like I did with the diaper?”
The infant looked into her face with big, round, watering eyes. Slowly, sniffing hard, Flurry Heart nodded. Cadance shut her eyes, took a deep breath, then went over to her child. Her eyes opened, tears hanging precariously at the edges. She rested a hoof on the side of her daughter's face. And smiled.
“Good girl,” she said.
-END-
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inb4 @everyone
10787553
Congratulations, you win.
...
I'll figure out what you win later. Probably get to kick Enigma or something.
This story made me feel like a kid again
Also, only because it popped in my mind. ily
Spike sighed and sat down in the Crystal Empires dump with a proud grin.
"I wonder what sort of weird things Twilight is doing to Anon right now?" he mused to himself.
He unfolded his beach chair, pulled out his comic book and sunglasses.
" At least nothing bad can happen to me out here. "
He sighs, sits down. And smiles to himself.
With a light pop, a filthy diaper drops directly in his face.
" Why does this always happen to me? "
10787565
I love this more than eating rabbits with peppercorn sauce.
10787565
We must have lived the same childhood.
Shiny, you so deserved that.
This was so damned funny. I really needed a laugh, and you delivered several. :D
This competition has been pure gold for story content haha
Next time, Cadence is have Twilight and her friends foalsit Flurry.
Hmm about the "belittling" wasn't Shining caring for Flurry usually? And so he is ACTUALLY speaking from experience?
10789594
In this story, no. She's usually taken care of by Sunburst during the day, but it happens to be his day off. Cadance says as much pretty early on.
There are few things in this world that smell worse that newborn diapers. And they go through about 15 to 20 a DAY! The smell gets stuck in your olfactory sensors and you go nose blind to everything eventually. Even dinner taste like it.
Being an uncle to an infant now and a regular babysitter, I can personally vouch that mothers don't get enough credit. Even just 6 hours a week gives me headaches (but I love my niece regardless), I can only imagine what a full-time mom deals with.
OMG I LOVE THIS
it’s too funny
10803681
But man, have you marched back and forth all day? Let me tell ya, it's exhausting. Playing with a baby all day is easy in comparison.
btw, where's dinner?
What a wholesome tale.
Yes, police? Yeah, someone made a fic about my life and I don't appreciate it.
Lol, taking care of babies, been there, done that. You are not so far off, yet you make it funny and true at the same time. Did any personal experience help you write this story?
XD this is hilarious
casserole!
This is hilarious
And you never tell a mom that her job is easy. Never.