Starlit Knights

by BlackRoseRaven

Interlude III: Scraps From A Diary

Interlude III: Scraps From A Diary
~BlackRoseRaven

Dear Diary,

Something really weird happened today. Something I really just absolutely can’t explain, but I should probably start at the beginning or you’re going to get all confused, and that wouldn’t be good, would it?
You remember Pinkamena, right? Well, I know, I know, that’s a really dumb question considering how often I write about her and how often I record those… scary dreams with her in them, and the visions that happen now and then. Well, you’ll never guess, but Pinkamena’s… real! She’s really real, and right now… well, I’m not sure where she is. The others were trying their hardest to be nice to her, but they were all staying really close to me, and she was on the far side of the fire, so they just… stopped talking to her. And she just looked at us… and now she’s outside of me and everything but I still felt how sad she was. Looking across those flames between us… it hurt. And suddenly… I wasn’t the least bit scared of her anymore.
She wandered off somewhere and I went to bed too, thinking maybe I’d catch her in the tent, but she wasn’t there. So I decided to write this up. I wanted to think about it, hard as thinking can be for me, and I feel so… so bouncy and energetic sometimes, sure, but I also feel… real sad sometimes still, like now. And I know I should be glad she’s not… you know, in my head anymore or whatever, but… I’m not. I feel a little… empty inside. Do you think she feels the same way? No… I… I think she might feel even worse. She always tried to make me do bad things, not because she flat-out hated me… because… she was envious. Everypony loves Pinkie Pie, right? And they were all scared of Pinkamena. That’s how it always was; but what if she was right, she’s the original, and I was born from the rainbow in the sky…
Wow, big deep scary thoughts there. I better stop writing, or I’ll give myself nightmares. Well, see you later alligator, in a while crocodile!
Poor Gummy. I miss him.

Dear Diary,

We passed through a town today, and we’re camping near a giant bridge. Everypony’s really tense: the town was… was a lot meaner than I’d expected. Pinkamena says I’m a… well. She says a lot of things. I probably shouldn’t write some of them down. But I could tell she was hurt too. And she’s outside right now… but she doesn’t know I saw her. She’s sitting out there in the cold, tense and quiet, watching over us, all alone, because there’s such static in the air… everypony can feel it. Something bad is going to happen, might already be happening. There’s this real jerk, see, and he’s kind of the reason Pinkamena is out and about now. I meant to write about him last night but I got all caught up in talking about Pinkamena and then I thought about what a bad idea it would be to write about demons at bedtime, but… I think I’ll try tonight anyway.
His name’s Ig-something. I talked about him once before… he’s the guy who crashed the wedding with poor Trixie, but she was possessed. He’s a real jerk, and he challenged Luna and Scrivener to a big fight or something. He hit us with a spell of some kind yesterday and it… it brought Pinkamena out. It made her real. Luna tried to explain it to me but I’ve been so… manic, lately, but being around Pinkamena… she helps look after me. The others don’t see it but I do… suddenly I wonder how much she’s always been there for me. Even when she was trying to hurt me… was it just because of jealousy, or was it some twisted way for her to get my attention, or was it something even deeper than that? I don’t think she’s evil anymore. I think she’s in pain… I think there is something terrible inside her, but terrible like a toothache, not like a big creepy evil monster that wants to suck out your spleen.
Last night I asked Twilight on impulse if Pinkamena would come and say goodnight. Well. I phrased it a lot sillier than that. But Pinkamena actually came, and she grumbled and was scary but she tucked me into my bed and then sat down and looked at me for a while, and I looked back at her. Later, in the night, I woke up and I heard her… crying. She was having awful nightmares, so I went over and tucked her into bed and sat with her for a little while like she did for me. She opened her eyes, but I don’t think she was actually awake… and I started to wonder what goes on in her head as she quieted down bit-by-bit. It made me… sad. It made me want to make her laugh and smile but well, Pinkamena doesn’t do laughter all that much. Still, if I could make her happy… somehow… maybe that would help her a little. I’d… I’d like to help her. She’s done terrible things but maybe all those terrible visions didn’t come from her… they came from something broken inside her…
And she cares about us. I can’t seem to make the others see that, but… she cares. I know she’s got a big heart under everything, she’s just real sour on the surface, like… like a lemon drop. Yeah, that’s what she is, a big old lemon drop! I think I’m going to work harder to try and show her how much I care. I think she just needs a little of the magic of friendship. I know when we’re around each other, after all, we seem to ‘even out,’ so… we must need each other. She’s my twin… I kind of like that. I miss my sisters sometimes, but… maybe I’m lucky enough to have another sister who’ll always be by my side now. I like that. I like that a lot…
Well, off to try and rest a little before my turn on guard duty. Nighty-night, diary.

Dear Diary,

It’s been a long, long day. We ran into that jerk again, and he set up a gender barrier magic thingy! Can you believe that? No girls allowed, well, Scrivener and Spike and Big Mac and R.D. and D-(A smear where a word was erased repeatedly) Bob really fixed his little red wagon. You know, if everypony really did have a little red wagon, there would probably be a lot more fixing and a lot less violence in the world, though. Just saying.
I’ve been spending most of my time with Lemon Drop, and now that I’m not scared of her anymore… she’s really funny, and crazy, and weird. She really just does need friends, and to know that they aren’t going to hurt her or betray her. She’s got such dark ideas in her head and it’s not all her fault, not after what Mom and Pop did to us, not after how she was always treated, not after maybe… what I did to her. Forcing her ‘into the mirror,’ like she says, where she got worse and worse having to deal with those nightmares, those bad visions, those memories all alone. I remember yesterday when I heard Luna talking about those angry ponies at Pegasus Point, and she said ‘the tortured make the best torturers,’ and when I thought about it I realized how much that line made sense. I think when Pinkamena disappears off somewhere, she usually goes and talks to Luna and Scrivy… but I’m glad. I’m glad she’s starting to make friends. I don’t think she even realizes she is, or what it means… but it’s a big huge step for her and I really want to help her.
She really likes models, which is kind of funny, isn’t it? But she likes a lot of things that don’t seem to make sense until you really look at her. Alexander, the big minotaur, seemed to get it… he calls her ‘Dee-jaw-vole’ or something like that, and Lemon Drop seems to get along with him okay. I think it’s because he’s not scared of her. I think it’s because he talks to her as calmly and rationally as he does everyone else. Those minotaurs, they’re big weird guys, but I really like them. Just like I like Bob… and much as she acts like she hates him, I think Lemon Drop likes Bob too. I think she likes a lot of ponies. She’s just different, and scared.
I’m not going to leave her side, though. I made a big promise, and I’m gonna keep it, even bigger than my promise to take care of myself if the visions come back… but sure, I get real happy, and I get a little sad now and then, but I’m the lucky one. I got all the bounce and pep, and poor Lemon Drop has those terrible nightmares. She pretends she doesn’t care but I know she does… and I know she hurts. I wish
(The page is torn and the entry ends abruptly here)

Dear Diary,

I’m sitting here, inside an armored wagon, heading for a town called North Neigh. Every pony around me looks shellshocked: Fluttershy’s crying, and Rarity is comforting her. Outside, Applejack and Cowlick are trying to help keep the Starlit Knights motivated and organized and they’re doing a pretty bad job of it. Rainbow Dash is in the skies, watching our backs and flanks… and Twilight Sparkle’s at the head. Tears are frozen on her face and I don’t think she even notices. And me? What a sick joke. I’m sitting here, in an armored wagon, and everypony keeps comforting me over Pinkie Pie’s death, but I know they don’t really care. They just want something. They all want something. They want to be comforted in return.
I keep reading some of the entries from this diary over and over. She pitied me. She wanted to help me. Even after everything I did to her, she wanted to ‘save’ me. And she died to protect me. Why? Pinkie Pie, what the hell was wrong with your head? Were you retarded or something? Were you just stupid? Were you that naïve? Or were you that cruel… leaving me here, all alone among strangers, ponies who think of me as the disease that was inside her that managed to crawl outside because demons can’t keep their magic to themselves.
Sissy, you were a pain in the ass. You were an invader, who shoved me into the back of my own mind, grinning and gleeful. You were a freak accident of brain-chemical that went haywire and spawned some monstrous transformation, from the flesh-eating caterpillar to the sugar-gargling butterfly. But when we found a way to co-exist… even more, when I got out of that brightly-colored hellhole… you gave me a goddamn hug. You said ‘welcome to the world!’ and you put a party hat on my head and dragged me into your fun and games. And you… looked up to me. You called me your ‘older twin.’ You were a masochist, and I’m a sadist, and we were a match made in some twisted comedian’s heaven. And I would do anything… anything… to have you back so I could beat the hell out of you, and then maybe… give you a hug for everything you did.
Sissy, I’m… going to miss you. But no one will believe me if I say that. And without your smiles and cheer, without your laughter and understanding… I feel the nightmares inside my skull, and the depression like vines in my brain, crawling out of my eyes, ears, mouth and nose. So I gotta keep being me, and making everypony around me feel as bad as I do, in the hopes they’ll maybe crunch this Lemon Drop beneath their hoof.
If I could trade places with you I would. And I hate you for making me feel that way.
(Blood and tears stain the paper. Beyond it, the rest of the pages have been torn out)

Comments

[Sidetrack]

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Damn.

[The_WolfGirl]

I cried even more for this than for the actual death of Pinkie Pie.
WHY!! Why did you kill Pinkie?

[Narcosis]

8 dangit
Why do you have to keep doing this?
And why does it always hurt just as bad as the first time?

[Darth Sparkle]

3935019

Wurd.

[Revan]

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THis is heartbreaking.

[cometstarling]

tbh...fuck you......im crying

[thaecrasis]

Damn...