• Member Since 25th Mar, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Silver Dragon Blade Wing


Just a guy who likes to write stories. The Changelings brought me here. :)

T

During the Great Winter almost all of the Nobles left many Ponies behind, only caring about themselves and not sparing a thought as they left there to the mercy of the cold and frozen wastes. All but one, a young Noble refused to leave the "lesser Ponies" behind, and was abandoned with them.

It was thought for over a thousand years that they had perished from the cold, lost to history never to be found again.

Until other counties, the Griffin Nations in particular, started talking about a small county inhabited by Ponies of not just the original three tribes but many other types of Ponies as well from hybrids to the unlucky ones changed by Chaos magic.

Princess Celestia had heard the stories for years but was never able to look into them herself because of multiple factors, like the return of her sister. Now that Princess Luna has returned and has been freed of Nightmare Celestia finally has the chance to look into these stories but because of her duties she is unable to do it herself so she sends her Student Twilight Sparkle and her friends to search for this "Lost Pony Country" and see if the stories are true.

Either Celestia nor Twilight and her friends where prepared for what they found.


So this little idea sort of started as just a thread post on a group I'm a member of (though the post was removed a few hours after, not that it's a problem. My guess was it was seen as self-promotion which I didn't intend at all.) and the ones who commented said it was a good base for a story and after thinking for a bit I agreed with them, so here it is.

There will be some references to Monster Hunter but not enough to be considered a crossover as none of the creatures or such will appear, just some ideas and concepts at the base level.

I will add a cover art when I can find a good enough picture.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 28 )

This is an interesting story idea and i like how you have started it. Setting down the foundation before launching into the story. I look forwards to more of this!

Well, this has my attention! You have set an intriguing story concept and have all the background set. I can't wait to see where you go with this.

10780775

10781288
Thank you. :pinkiehappy: My current plan is to post the next chapter once I figure out what's happening in it before focusing on my other two stories for the next while, but I;m happy to see you are enjoying it so far.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas if you have any.

10784667
I can't offer much in the way of suggestions sadly, but i look forwards to finding out what you come up with for this story!

And so it begins, a game of chess between astera and equestria, and celestia has finally made her move

10791833
And she's playing against an Alicorn that has been around for a very long time, perhaps longer then she and Luna. I can only picture the shock on their faces when they do meet face-to-face.

So what were your thoughts on this chapter? Any spots that could be improved?

10792675
I actually enjoyed it greatly and, not being great at giving criticism, i didnt find anything that struck out at me as bad or disjointed.

10793153
Well I'm very happy to see that you're enjoying it, true be told I thought this story wasn't gonna do well but clearly I was wrong on that, not that I'm complaining. :twilightsmile:

Just a shame the next chapter wouldn't be out for a long while.

10794633
Eh, its worth the wait if you ask me

i really love this your oc makes me think of my oc cause he is kind and caring and he was a unicorn before he became an alicorn in a story i made and never finished it is not on this site i don't even have the USB i put it on anymore

10806237
Thanks, any thoughts on why Shadow here ascended?

can't wait for the next chapter

Curious. Why did Shadow Flare ascend, I wonder. Could it be due to him understanding the value of all life over class, and his sacrifice to help the others? I'm not sure, but I'm interested in finding out.

Something I wanted to point out; 'Celestia let out a wary sign.' Do you mean 'weary sigh?' It's easy to make small mistakes like that, but they can get confusing for other readers.

But it didn't stop me from enjoying Shadow Flare's backstory and his ascendance. Looking forward to seeing how Twilight and the others interact with Shadow and his people.

Thanks for sharing.

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It certainly is a mystery, but regardless of why: Do you think he earned it?

Fixed that little mistake.

10971093

Do you think he earned it?

Giving up his status, his appearance and his life for his fellow pony? In my opinion, he more than earned it.

Glad I was able to help you fix this. Will read more soon.

Also, this gave me an idea for Survival of the Wolves; I'll share more with you in the DM.

10971627
And I think how happy his Ponies were to see him alive said how much he's liked. :twilightsmile:

The next chapter is the final one for now as I'm focusing on the other two, but I'm really looking forward to working with you on this one when the time comes. :twilightsmile:

Looking forward to your comment for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

Hello Silver,

What a place to leave off on. Celestia has finally made her move towards making contact with Astera and Shadow Flare is going to have to figure out what to do. I totally get his distrust for the nobles, along with his reasonable suspicion of Celestia. It'll be interesting to see where things go from here.

Although, since it may be a while before you can get to the new chapters, I do want to give you some advice as a writer:

Writing chapters that are up to 9,000 words long, like this is, can sometimes discourage readers. Sometimes, people can get busy, and when they only have maybe a few minutes for reading, it's a lot easier for them to read something that's 2,000 words long rather than 9,000. Using shorter chapters, especially ones left off on suspenseful cliffhangers like the one you have here, can give readers the 'just one more' syndrome where they'll want to keep reading and reading, wheras longer chapters run the risk of them getting bored.

And while you did try to have some fun stuff, what with the fight and the exposition, it honestly felt a bit too much like telling instead of showing. You describe all the cool moves and battles the hunters do with the serpent, but because this isn't a visual medium, it doesn't have the same impact as if we saw it happening on a screen. You should focus on the emotion; how the Mane Six feel as they watch these hunters take on something that's out of the Mane Six's lead.

Same for the exposition; Twilight's naturally curious, so describing her awe and wonder at all the neat things Astera has to offer would be a great showcase of her character for Twilight fans.

Same for Rainbow Dash; instead of her curling up and screaming when the creature comes for her, I feel that having her pull herself up and at least try to go out swinging would be more in character for her.

Finally, you have this odd thing where one pony will speak, and then you'll say that another one piped up, but then put the second pony's dialogue below them. For instance:

"Sweet." Rainbow spoke up.

"Why can't I fly it? I'm an expert at flying." Twilight answered.

This made me think that Twilight was asking why she couldn't fly it, which made me confused since this is supposed to be pre-alicorn Twilight. Putting Rainbow Dash's actions next to her dialogue would help me better understand that Dash is the one asking, and not Twilight:

"Sweet!"

"Why can't I fly it?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I'm an expert at flying."

Please note that I'm not saying this stuff to be mean or rude; you have a wonderful story here with some really fascinating OCs and an awesome premise, and I want to be able to help you showcase it in the best way possible. You have the basic idea down perfect. Now, it just needs some shine and polish.

I really hope my suggestions help. For now, thank you very much for sharing.

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What a place to leave off on. Celestia has finally made her move towards making contact with Astera and Shadow Flare is going to have to figure out what to do. I totally get his distrust for the nobles, along with his reasonable suspicion of Celestia. It'll be interesting to see where things go from here.

It's funny how he still has that way of thinking even after so long, though to be fair; he and his Ponies live in a dangerous land.

Writing chapters that are up to 9,000 words long, like this is, can sometimes discourage readers. Sometimes, people can get busy, and when they only have maybe a few minutes for reading, it's a lot easier for them to read something that's 2,000 words long rather than 9,000. Using shorter chapters, especially ones left off on suspenseful cliffhangers like the one you have here, can give readers the 'just one more' syndrome where they'll want to keep reading and reading, wheras longer chapters run the risk of them getting bored.

I do agree, now most of my chapters run in somewhere between 4,000 and 7,000 on on average and longer than that aren't that common but they do happen. For example (and a bit of a heads-up): In "High Seas of Adventure" Chapter 4 is 10,000 words long but a good chuck of that is the description of what the Head Officers' appearance is with Razor's being the longest (Which I've marked so that if the reader wants to they can just skip it, and so far long descriptions like that have only happened twice and there are many chapters between them.) and Chapter 20 is 15,000 words long but that one is the end of the first "Arc" so in that case it was my intention.

And while you did try to have some fun stuff, what with the fight and the exposition, it honestly felt a bit too much like telling instead of showing. You describe all the cool moves and battles the hunters do with the serpent, but because this isn't a visual medium, it doesn't have the same impact as if we saw it happening on a screen. You should focus on the emotion; how the Mane Six feel as they watch these hunters take on something that's out of the Mane Six's lead.

That's another thing I need work on.

Same for the exposition; Twilight's naturally curious, so describing her awe and wonder at all the neat things Astera has to offer would be a great showcase of her character for Twilight fans.

Same for Rainbow Dash; instead of her curling up and screaming when the creature comes for her, I feel that having her pull herself up and at least try to go out swinging would be more in character for her.

One of my biggest troubles in writing is keeping Characters like the Mane Six "in character" so to speck, so I fully understand where you're going here.

Finally, you have this odd thing where one pony will speak, and then you'll say that another one piped up, but then put the second pony's dialogue below them.

This made me think that Twilight was asking why she couldn't fly it, which made me confused since this is supposed to be pre-alicorn Twilight. Putting Rainbow Dash's actions next to her dialogue would help me better understand that Dash is the one asking, and not Twilight:

Yeah :twilightsheepish:, That's a habit I picked up so expect to see more of that in my other stories. Been trying to break that one.

Please note that I'm not saying this stuff to be mean or rude; you have a wonderful story here with some really fascinating OCs and an awesome premise, and I want to be able to help you showcase it in the best way possible. You have the basic idea down perfect. Now, it just needs some shine and polish.

I know you're not trying to be mean or rude my friend :twilightsmile:, this is the exact reason I asked you to take a look and, I guess be my editor? :rainbowhuh: I do want to improve my story and having a second person to help out really... well helps.

you have a wonderful story here with some really fascinating OCs and an awesome premise, and I want to be able to help you showcase it in the best way possible. You have the basic idea down perfect. Now, it just needs some shine and polish.

Thank you very much King :pinkiehappy: :raritystarry:, and I really appreciate the help. :twilightsmile:

So, Shadow Flare has really transformed over the long time span hasn't he? And what did you think about his interaction with Rose Lilly?

Same with the other Character interactions?

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I know you're not trying to be mean or rude my friend :twilightsmile:

Thanks. I had to deal with a couple of really mean guys who would derride the work of everyone they met, calling it stupid or sh!tty and then claiming they had the right to be so rude because they were pointing out all our mistakes and therefore 'helping' and so we should shut up and accept their word as law. It always infuriated me and left me not wanting to listen to him because he was such a jerk. And while I know our work can't improve if we don't point out what doesn't work for us with it, I still like to find the bright side to things and be able to talk to people with kindness and compassion. As Mary Poppins once said; "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." And that applies to more than just consumable medicine.

So, Shadow Flare has really transformed over the long time span hasn't he? And what did you think about his interaction with Rose Lilly?

Same with the other Character interactions?

Ah, the other character interactions. *Chef's Kiss* Those were marvelous. Rose Lilly and Shadow Flare had a wonderful banter and chemistry with each other, and while, like you mentioned, the Mane Six could use a little more development, the banter between the rest of your OCs was spot on.

And this makes perfect sense; you've spent the most time making these OCs, so it's much easier for you to have a handle on their personalities and characters. The Mane Six are okay characters, but they aren't 'your' characters, you know?

I've run into the same problem where I'll know exactly how my characters will react to a situation, but I'll have a harder time gauging characters like Discord or Pinkie or Luna. Because again, they're someone else's characters, and while the whole point of the fandom is to enjoy what we do know about them, writing them into the story in a way that keeps them in character can be challenging when you're balancing them against characters you've created and likely want to let shine just as brightly as Twilight did the day she became an alicorn.

So, like you mentioned, work on what I pointed out, and keep doing what you're great at; which in this case is definitely your interactions between your guys. I really feel the bond that they share, like Shadow and Rose, or Night and Sharp, Deep and Garden, was genuine. And I especially loved Fire Claws. Meow-ster? :rainbowlaugh: It would be just like a cat if they were doing that just to tease their friends.

10972528
I understand what you mean, I go by something my dad taught me back in the day: Treat others the way you want to be treated. And I'll keep your advice in mind for future chapters. :twilightsmile:

do u know when the next chapter will be

11004316
Not entirely, since I'm more focused on High Seas and Dragonfly Hive right now. But who knows, the next one for this could be out sooner.

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