Chapter 4
Rarity set down a pair of tiny white pills and a large glass of water on the table. The pony across from her zoned out at the far wall of the kitchen, a dull glaze over her eyes and her mouth slightly ajar.
“There you go Twilight, two aspirin and a lot of water.” Rarity said. The lavender mare suddenly snapped to focus and looked up at her. “I know your head is killing you, but if you get enough water in your system, it'll begin to feel better. Once I've decided you've had enough, I'll pour you some coffee. But until then, I really do encourage you to get some fluids in you; I promise it will make you feel better.”
“Well, why are you drinking coffee now?” Twilight asked slowly. “You had a glass of wine last night too.” She then took the two pills and swallowed them with a gulp of water.
“My head isn't hurting, dear.” Rarity told her, taking a sip from her mug. It wasn't entirely true, her head was indeed aching slightly, but she had found caffeine to be an ample painkiller.
Twilight then downed the rest of her glass, setting it down on the table lightly. “I-is this seriously what happens from a single glass, Rarity?” She rubbed her temples with her hooves lethargically. “If so, I'm never drinking again, ever.”
She slammed her hoof down on the table, causing a loud noise to reverberate throughout the room. “Ow! ...Stupid hoof.”
Rarity couldn't help but giggle. “Twilight, how much do you remember last night?”
The other mare looked up with a start. “Umm, just up to when we finished your makeover, I think.” Panic formed on her face. “Why, did I do something after that?”
“Well, we finished the story,” Rarity started, and took another sip of her coffee. “However, you,” she pointed a hoof at Twilight, “got so wrapped up in the story you drank more than one glass.” She then walked over to the table, picking up Twilight's empty cup.
The purple unicorn's eyes widened. “H-how many glasses?”
Rarity filled the glass again with water. “Oh, only about four more.” She then set down the glass on the table.
Her crush put her head in her hooves. “Oh no...” She remained silent for a few seconds. “Did... Did I say anything else? Anything embarrassing?”
The other unicorn pushed the glass of water towards her. “Drink this and I'll tell you.” She smiled.
Twilight did as she was told, draining the glass once more. “So, what did I say?” She asked as she set the glass down.
“You just rambled about Bayard most of the time.” Rarity picked up the glass and set it down near her sink. Taking another mug out of a nearby cupboard, she filled it with fresh, steaming coffee.
“Oh, thank Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed, giving a relieved sigh.
Rarity sat down across from her at the kitchen table with both mugs of coffee, smirking. “However, you did make a comment somewhere along the lines of 'mares are soooo hot!' “
She slid the mug over to Twilight and winked. She was positive the naïve girl wouldn't get it, but it still felt like a step in the right direction, even if only for herself.
Twilight gave out an adorable “Eeep!” of shock, and then tried to hide her growing blush behind the mug as she drank from it. Rarity guessed her words last night were true, given her lack of a response. Inside her mind, she gave a small squeal of delight.
“Anyways, I put the book in your saddlebags since I guess you want to finish it on your own.” Rarity smiled. Twilight set down her mug, creases of a smile beginning to form on her still-red cheeks.
The purple-maned pony tapped her hooves together anxiously. “Perhaps once you finish, we could go over it at your house?”
-~-
The stitching machine hummed and clicked as fabric was fed through it. It was rhythmic, comforting and hypnotic.
”I actually think I'm starting to get in some headway with Twilight,” Rarity thought to herself. ”Despite the problem with the wine last night, we had a really good time... Even if she didn't remember half of it.”
”At least I will,” she murmured in her mind as the memories started to swirl in her head:
It was around midnight, and the two of them had gotten a good way towards the climax of the novel. By now, Twilight was on her third glass, the wine making her drowsy, leaning against Rarity as the fashionista read aloud.
~”Charity set down a tome in front of Bayard. 'I made a mistake, I know, and if you never forgive me, I'll understand.' She looked into his eyes. 'But here, take this to remember who will always love you.' “~
~”Bayard pored his eyes over the gift. He had seen it before, it was-”~ Rarity stopped. The pressure of something on her shoulder forced her to look over.
Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as she saw Twilight dozing, sleeping against her. She was so irresistibly cute, her soft breathing tickling the skin along Rarity's neck. It hurt slightly as she was on her bad shoulder, but Rarity hardly noticed. The lavender mare's mane was as soft as down, and once again the intoxicating smell of sandalwood entered her nostrils.
She could have stayed like this forever.
”Then why didn't I?” Rarity thought, back in the present. ”Couldn't I have just stayed there for a few moments?”
“Twilight, wake up,” Rarity had muttered softly to her last night.
“Hmm?” The mare in question answered. “Wh-what time is it?” She still rested on Rarity's shoulder with her eyes closed.
“It's time to finish the book. Come on, we're getting close to the end.”
Twilight got up with a start. “Oh right! The book!” Her voice was slightly slurred as she poured herself another glass. “Where were we?”
-~-
The newly-made dress sat perfectly on its mannequin, yet it looked wrong, all wrong. No matter how she tweaked it, it never looked quite right. Fuming with annoyance and anger, Rarity tore the piece of clothing off its stand and threw it across the room.
”Dammit!” She took a second to vent, stomping her hooves in frustration. ”Why must everything look atrocious?!”
The house was silent for a few seconds.
“Umm... Hello?” a small voice sounded from downstairs.
Rarity sighed. “I'm up here, Fluttershy!” As much as she tried to suppress it, anger still tinged her voice.
Small hoofsteps plodded up the stairs, and then a yellow mare popped out from behind her bedroom door. “Hi Rarity, how was your slumber party with Twilight?”
“Fine.” She seethed.
Fluttershy squeaked and cringed back. “O-oh... Did something go wrong? Sorry, please don't be mad.”
Rarity forced herself to take a deep breath. ”Fluttershy has done nothing wrong... She's just trying to help.”
“No, I'm sorry Fluttershy. I just can't get this dress to look right.” She tilted her head over towards the disregarded dress on the floor.
“Oh...” Fluttershy stood back up. “Well, whenever I feel frustrated, I like to sit back and take a break for a few minutes.”
“Okay?”
“So, sit back and tell me what happened.” Fluttershy blushed slightly. “Sorry, I've just been dying to hear how it went. I wanted come over earlier, but I didn't know when Twilight was leaving, so I made myself wait.”
Rarity managed a chuckle, and her anger began to dissipate. “Well, it was actually a lot of fun. First, we had lunch at the café, and we pretty much just talked about what we wanted to do that night.”
“Oh, that's nice... What else did you do?”
“Well, we actually read that cheesy romance novel together.” Rarity tried her best not to grin like a little filly. She felt so proud of herself for some reason, yet couldn't quite pin it down.
“Aww, really?” Fluttershy was sporting her own grin, however.
“Yeah, and besides a quick little makeover during the night, that's pretty much what we did. We shared a bottle of wine and chocolate, got wrapped up in a blanket and read the book together in the living room.”
Fluttershy cooed, “That's so cu-” she stopped abruptly. “Wait, did you say you shared a bottle of wine?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Well, of course. It was a romantic story, it sets the perfect mood.” Rarity shrugged.
“B-but this is Twilight we're talking about!” The usually timid mare began to raise her voice. “You know she's never drank before, right?”
“Yes... But I figured she could handle it.”
“Did she?”
“Well, no.” Rarity admitted, sighing. “But it wasn't all bad! She fell asleep on my shoulder and it was simply adorable!”
“But, what did go bad?” Fluttershy pried.
Rarity looked away, guilt descending upon her. “She kind-of-maybe-sorta did get drunk and rambled about how much she was into mares...” The unicorn paused for a second. “I think she was hitting on me a bit too.”
Fluttershy facehoofed. “How many glasses did she have?”
“I don't remember!” Rarity lied, her voice becoming defensive. “I let her pour for herself!”
“How many glasses?” The pegasus echoed. Her stare could bore holes into the strongest of steel, and the white unicorn target could not fare nearly as well.
Rarity drooped her head. “Five,” she admitted.
“Rarity!” Fluttershy exclaimed, taking a step forwards. Creases formed on her forehead as she frowned disapprovingly.
Rarity took a step back. “Hold on!” she interjected. “It didn't end as horribly as you'd think! I simply told her enough was enough and took her to bed.”
“R-Rarity!” Fluttershy cried once more, this time with more conviction in her voice and scarlet on her cheeks.
“N-n-not like that!” Rarity fired back, obviously flustered. Her cheeks burned and her skin began to itch embarrassingly. “I put her in the design room while I slept upstairs...” She managed to mutter weakly.
“I cant believe-! Oh... Really?” Fluttershy asked, her voice quieter.
Rarity exhaled deeply. “Yes. I know now that maybe the wine was a bad idea... But besides that, the night was really fun. It was just us, sitting around a book together.” She paused for a second. “I even got her to agree to go over it again, next week at her house.”
Fluttershy perked her head up. “Why?” she asked.
“Well,” Rarity laughed nervously, “She kind of doesn't remember half of it.”
“Right.” Fluttershy looked down, and noticed her legs were wobbling. “S-sorry Rarity, I have to sit down. I just got so worked up there I couldn't control myself, and now I feel exhausted...” She looked around the room and found a small pillow which she promptly occupied.
Rarity walked over to her and sat down on the floor. “It's fine, you were doing the right thing, looking out for your friends.” She tried her best to smile.
“Yeah.” Fluttershy smiled back. “Also... Sorry for implying that... Y'know... Between you two.” Another splash of crimson hit her face.
“That's quite alright.” Rarity grinned and gave her friend a grateful hug. “Thanks a lot, talking it over with you really helped.”
-~-
“There we go!” the dazzling white mare said cheerily. She smiled to herself as she lined up the two pieces of attire, their amber color schemes shining as sunlight dappled along them through the window. “Funny,” she thought, ”That I'd be creating part of my 'October' collection on a beautiful late-winter day.”
Two days had passed since she had talked to Fluttershy, and already her mind was clear and focused. Designing almost seemed too easy. In fact, the speedy work had allowed her some much needed time to herself, and today she had promised to stop by the Sugarcube Corner to see the same yellow pegasus and Pinkie Pie. It would be nice to see the pink party animal also, her silly antics a welcome antithesis to Rarity's own serious attitude.
“Sometimes you just need to learn to laugh, Rarity,” Pinkie had told her once.
”Perhaps if I could learn to laugh, maybe I could learn to do other things too?”
-~-
“Woo! Yay Poundcake!”
A jumble of excited foal-speak answered.
Rarity giggled. The adorable pegasus foal was sitting in a high chair with frosting smeared over his face. He had just finished eating a cupcake without using his hooves, something Pinkie Pie encouraged.
“Who's a good little boy? You are!” Poundcake laughed as the pink pony booped his nose. She picked him up out of the high chair. “Alright! Time to go wash your face up and put you in your crib for naptime!”
The foal squirmed at the mention of the word, whining in protest. As she set him down, he tried to scamper away.
Pinkie Pie blocked him with a well-placed hoof. “Not so fast, buster! Upstairs you go!”She cried enthusiastically, in typical Pinkie fashion. She turned back to her guests. “Just give me a minute girls, I'll be back in a jiffy!”
Rarity and Fluttershy nodded.
“So, Rarity, how's the new fashion line coming along? 'November,' was it?” The yellow pegasus asked.
“You mean 'October'?” Rarity chuckled. “Yes, darling, it's shaping up nicely. The past two nights I've been on a roll, completing a dress a day.” She exhaled as if she had just ran a race. “It's a little tiring, sure, but I feel much better now that I can focus.”
“So your nights aren't so... Sleepless?”
The designer frowned and sighed. “No, they still are, but now instead of just sitting around I'm able to work it off.”
“Oh... Well atleast some good is coming out of it.” Fluttershy pointed out optimistically. “Anyways, did you hear back from Twilight at all? I don't think reading a hundred pages would take very long for her.” She laughed.
Rarity smiled. “Oh yes, not long at all. She sent Spike over the very next day, telling me she had finished and asked if I could come over in two days to go over it with her.”
“So...” Fluttershy stopped for a second to think. “So... You're going over tomorrow?”
“Precisely, dear! Hopefully it'll be as fun as last time; Luna knows I could use some.”
“That's great!” She clapped her hooves together, grinning. “So are you just going to talk about the book?”
“Well, I'm not sure. It'll definitely be the main subject,” Rarity elaborated, “But I don't know, we could always do something else while I'm there.”
Fluttershy's smile disappeared. “Any wine? Rarity, as much as I trust you, I still didn't like it when you got Twilight drunk.”
A gasp sounded from across the room. “You got Twilight drunk?!” Pinkie Pie asked. She charged up to the table, “What happened! Tell me, tell me!”
Rarity facehoofed. “Nothing Pinkie. J-just forget you even heard that.”
“No can do!” She put her hoof down. “This is Twilight we're talking about, and it is Pinkie Pie Tradition that you tell what happens the first time somepony gets tipsy!”
“Umm, I really don't think that is necessary,” Fluttershy put in. “I mean, it was nothing, really.”
“You know what happened too?” Pinkie pried. “Tell me!” She began to crowd the timid mare. “What happened? Did she start yelling and being loud?”
“Well no...” The pegasus replied, averting her gaze.
“Oh, did she just pass out?”
“Not right away,” Rarity conceded.
“Hmm, well... Did she start flirting?” Pinkie shrugged, as if a last ditch suggestion.
“Umm...” Fluttershy mumbled something under her breath. Rarity stayed silent.
“She-... She did?!” The pink earth pony could not stop her jaw from hitting the floor. “Are you serious!?”
“Th-that's right...” Rarity chuckled anxiously and sighed.
“Oh. My. Gosh!” Pinkie Pie seemed to shoot off the ground with excitement. “I wasn't going to make you talk earlier but now since she started hitting on ponies now I really got to know and you have to tell me and if you don't I wont leave you alone ever!” She stuck her face in Rarity's. “Tell me! Tell me!”
“Fine!” The white unicorn caved. “Now will you please sit back down?!”
“Mhmm!” Pinkie Pie nodded obediently and settled on her chair obediently, gazing at her with wide eyes.
“Well, here goes nothing,” Rarity groaned. She continued on to regale the story of three nights past, the girls' night in with the lovely Twilight Sparkle.
“... Anyways, after that I decided she wasn't thinking right and let her sleep on the spare bed in my design room.” She concluded, mindful of her previous miswording with Fluttershy.
“What? Why would you do that?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head with confusion.
“Why? Well, it's the polite thing to do, dear.” Rarity explained. “She was obviously too intoxicated to know what she was saying-”
“Pshhh.” Pinkie Pie cut her off, dismissing the notion with a wave of her hoof. “She wasn't that hammered. Trust me, I've been to enough parties to know when ponies start saying anything and everything.” She then added with a giggle, “She probably just had enough to loosen her lips and say what she thought she'd never tell.”
”Oh no... She can't be possibly figuring out...” Rarity laughed embarrassedly. “Oh Pinkie Pie, you are so funny!”
“I am?” The party pony looked surprised. “What did I-”
“Howdy girls!” Applejack called from the entrance of the store. “Pinkie, ah brought over a wagon-full of apples from the winter store for ya, jus' like ya asked.”
“Woo!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Great! But first, why don't you come sit down with us? You'll want to hear this!”
Applejack shrugged and smiled, pulling a chair over to the table and sitting down with the other three. “What's up?”
“Oh, it's nothing,” Rarity answered. “Try not to buy into it too much.”
“Nothing!?” Pinkie Pie shot up. She turned to Applejack. “You know how we ponies have a little too much to drink, they starting saying things they usually keep inside, right?”
“Uhhh, yeah, ah guess.” She scratched the back of her head, uncomfortable with the subject. “Why?” she asked cautiously.
“Well, Twilight got drunk at Rarity's house, and she started talking about how she thought Rarity was sooo-”
Pinkie Pie was abruptly cut off as Rarity placed her hoof over her mouth. “Pinkie!”
“Hold on!” Applejack interjected. “What's this about Twi' getting drunk?” Her tone told her displeasure.
Nopony answered. Pinkie Pie couldn't talk and Rarity wouldn't. Fluttershy looked away.
“Fluttershy, what happened?” The orange workpony asked. “Come on, ah need ta know what went down.” The timid mare shook her head. Applejack sighed. “Ah won't get mad or tell anypony.”
“Promise?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
“Ah promise,” Applejack told her, smiling slightly.
Despite the silent pleas and looks of horror from Rarity, Fluttershy began, “Well, Twilight and Rarity had spent a night together reading a book.”
“Readin' a book?” Applejack raised an eyebrow, “That doesn't seem like a reason ta drink.”
“Yes, well, this was a romance they were reading, and since Rarity drinks a bit of wine when she reads on her own, she offered Twilight some too.”
“Oh, ah see now.”
“Anyways, as the night went on, Twilight began to drink a little too much, and started acting very... Unlike Twilight.” Fluttershy lowered her voice, disliking being the center of attention. Three sets of eyes were set on her.
“Well, how much did she have? A pony like Twi' prolly never had a touch of alcohol before, and new drinkers tend ta go quick-like.” Applejack pointed out.
“Five glasses.”
“Whew-wee!” Applejack exclaimed, chuckling, “Ah din't expect her to go on past two. Actually, ah didn't think she'd want to drink in the first place.” She cast a glance at the white unicorn.
Rarity took her hoof off of Pinkie Pie's mouth, raising it in objection. “I did not make her drink! I simply offered her some, and then before I knew it she was pouring her own glass after finishing her fourth.”
“Yes, but then afterwards Twilight went on about how sexy and attractive she found her!” Pinkie Pie put in, now that her mouth was free.
“Wha-!” Rarity sat, flabbergasted. ”She did not just tell Applejack that!” She thought, panicking. “Pinkie! W-Why would you ever make up such a thing?!” She lied. It was useless to hide her growing blush now.
Applejack whinnied and recoiled back, looking incredibly shocked. “Now hold on-”
“Oh no, you just told me that a few minutes ago!” Pinkie Pie shot back.
“Ah said-”
“You must have simply have misheard me,” Rarity defended herself, looking away with disdain.
Pinkie laughed, “Come on, admit it already!”
“I will not-”
“Enough!” Applejack slammed her hooves down on the table. Fluttershy eeped, and the two debating ponies went silent. The farmpony turned to Rarity. “Ah can tell when somepony is lyin'. Now, answer this question: Did Twilight say this?”
”What do I do? It's bad enough Pinkie Pie found out, but now Applejack...”
“Say what?” Rarity asked in faux-innocence. Applejack was not amused, frowning; her gaze seeming to burn through the unicorn's skin. “Fine! Yes, she did!” Rarity caved. “It's all true!”
Applejack sighed once more. “Now, was that really so hard?” The her face brightened up and she giggled. “Honestly, ah was just surprised that Twilight was inta mares. But now that ah had a bit of time to think about it, ah'd feel just fine knowin' that a girl like Twi' thought ah looked like that.”
“Oh... Really?” Rarity replied, her emotions taking a wild turn and her spirits starting to lift.
“O'course! Even if you don't feel the same way, it's still nice to hear things like that.” Applejack said, smiling.
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie put in. “I mean, if I were you I totally would have gone after her!”
“W-what?!” Rarity asked.
“Pinkie Pie, we all know that Rarity likes her stallions, so don'cha put words in her mouth!” Applejack defended her. “She's just probably a lil' ashamed that another mare has taken a likin' to her.”
“Why would you be? I think mares are just as good as stallions!” Pinkie replied unabashedly.
“That might be what you think, but ah think Rarity has her own feelin's, right?” Applejack looked to Rarity.
“Yes-”
“But isn't it also good to experiment?” Pinkie Pie asked hopefully.
“Well-”
“Pinkie, like ah said, stop puttin' words in her mouth!” Applejack stared her down across the table.
“What? I didn't tell her to do anything!”
“Oh? Well ya sure din't sound that way!”
“Girls, maybe we should calm down.” Fluttershy put in quietly.
“Just because you had that one weird moment last New Years' at Bon Bon's house doesn't mean you can tell mares not to like other mares!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“What!” Applejack flared. “Ah told ya never to talk about that!”
Rarity groaned. ”Are my friends really going at it over whether or not I should be attracted to mares? This is pathetic...”
“Besides, if she wants ta be like that she can, but she's always been likin' stallions and ah don't see why ya have to attempt to change her!”
“Change her!” Pinkie Pie stood up. “I am not changing-”
“That's it!” Rarity yelled, get up from her chair and stomping out towards the exit. “I'm going home!” She slammed the door behind her.
Pinkie Pie slumped back down into her seat. Applejack's eyes lost their fire. Fluttershy sighed.
The room remained silent for a few seconds.
“Hey AJ, I'm really sorry I brought that up. I shouldn't have gotten so upset about that,” Pinkie apologized.
“Nah, it's mah fault. Ah shouldn't have pushed either of you that far.” Applejack frowned.
“Umm, I gotta go.” Fluttershy stated, before getting up quickly. “B-bye girls.” She hustled out of the room, not enjoying the awkward aftertaste.
The two earth ponies watched her go. “So, d'ya really think Rarity could be attracted ta mares?”
“I'm not sure...” Pinkie rubbed her chin. “But I think the pony we should talk to is Twilight. She's probably just as confused as Rarity.”
“Yeah... Good idea.” Applejack nodded in agreement. “Hey, how about after ah help ya take in these here apples ah brought, we go over and sort it out with Twi? Like ya said, she's probably the one who needs the most help.”
-~-
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Alright, new chapter! It's a little longer, but I ended up adding in some extra bits last second. Plus, making a good quarter to a third of the chapter a big metaphor was kinda fun.
As always, feedback, criticism, and any editing error finds are always appreciated!
hey look! A lot of italics
Reading that much text in italics makes my head spin a little.
Regardless, this was pretty darn good. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
Yes, why is nearly the entire thing in italics? Also, I felt that Fluttershy was very OOC in this chapter, behaving more like Rarity would than like Fluttershy would. Still, I enjoyed it.
Definitely missing an ending italics tag (it's even spilling into the comments), but I like the way this is going. Keep up the good work.
Ooh, what a lovely chapte- Oh crap, italics.
I'm hoping it was all a mistake, but if it was on purpose I just want you to know that reading something that's in all italics is Just. Plain. Annoying. What I did manage to wrestle from the lean, mean, leaning Italian monstrosity was quite good, but I may need to read it again without italics to get a better feel for it.
Oh dear.... Wow, that was a big mistake on my part. That's what I get for not looking over the entire chapter when I published the chapter.
Sorry for putting you all through this! (I really love my italics, but not that much! xD)
Ooooo. Juicy
i49.tinypic.com/o06mnr.jpg
It was a pretty nice story up till now, but this just.... ugh.
Dat ending great know i have to wait to read the rest
Why do all romance stories have Pinkie Pie in them?
To be honest It gets a bit annoying.
Anyways, another great chapter.
1411551
Hmm. Well I did start 60 - 70% of this then finished it a week later, but honestly it was all made to plan. Sorry it's derailing your immersion, but it's part of the story. If its more of how I wrote it rather than plot development then let me know where and ill try my best to work on it.
1413272
Oh she's just a secondary character. I could have used RBD also, but her being bi is too cliche at this point.
1413374
What bothers me is that for one, her friends immediately think the worst of her, Pinkie makes up a new rule on the spot and getting into a fight over whether or not they can change her (while she's present no less)
The whole chapter just feels like you're pushing them together through artificial, arbitrary events rather than making it seem natural.
Fluttershy- “Nice! What did you do?”
Sounds a bit unlike Fluttershy to me.
I think the jump between scenes bothers me in this chapter. The scenes just cut right after a character says something and it doesn't feel like they're completing a thought. Most the time it's like their statements just hang there. Maybe there's not enough build up to the character's resolution for their quote to finish the idea of the scene, or just that there's not much closure in how it ends.
1414149
Everyone has differing life experiences and thoughts based on them, commonly causing conflicts over issues even the closest of friends or lovers wouldn't believe they'd fight over. Beliefs, especially those conjured as a means of escaping personal responsibility, are usually the most aggressively defended.
So frankly, there's no real issue with how the girls reacted beyond personal distaste and the /belief/ that close friends should be immediately more understanding.
That said, holy shit they're going to go talk to Twilight... AJ afraid of liking mares, Pinkie for it... and they'll both let on that Rarity told them. /clears throat/ DRAMABOMB INCOMING.
Good story it did have a bit of italics overused but there are other ways to let people know its an internal sentence.
1416077
Whoops! Nice catch on the OOC Flutters.
On the second point, I know what you mean, and I think that comes from the fact I generally write 50% more than what's in each chapter, and then cut out what's just "fluff". Like, do you really want to watch as Rarity finishes a dress or walks over to Sugarcube Corner? But on further review, I do believe you have a point, perhaps I've been using my story-scalpel a bit too much. Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to work on that this next chapter!
1414149
Perhaps, perhaps. But, isn't that just like Pinkie Pie to be spontaneous and random? There's even canon lines about her being as such ("Pinkie Pie, you are so random!").
For an explanation of why it seems so hectic, I'm just trying to get at a deeper level of each character that we can't see in the show due its nature. I'm going for more realistic (in the human sense) interactions between characters and because it's not in the show I have to take risks on what they might act like. It's an author's interpretation that I understand not everyone will agree with. Why? Well, my first ships were pretty much using vanilla characters, not much built on them. They felt kinda dry, overused and boring to work with, like using kashi-bar personalities. Also, I've tired of writing the "Mary Sue's" of shipping where everything more or less goes to plan. This is a much more chaotic and therefore choppy, stop-n-go version of shipping I'm still getting used to writing. I'm still learning how to correctly balance it all, which is why I love your feedback.
You're right, perhaps the transitioning could be better (as I explained above), and I'll definitely work on that. However, these somewhat arbitrary (I'll admit they can seem like that) events are meant for a reason. I'm sorry they don't progress as naturally as you'd like them to, and I knew some people would have qualms with that, but these scenes needed to be presented now so I can use them in the next chapter and later on.
It might be that I love using internal metaphors and symbolism too much :/. It might just skew the scenes just enough to make it seem artificial to you (hence why you didn't enjoy the last scene).
1417166
There's never such a thing as too much italics (I take that back, for the unfortunate ones who read this chapter before I realized the formatting error). Honestly, it's just the way I denote it. Usually my stories don't have that much, but this piece of fiction has a lot of internal debate in it, so it really can't be helped.
1416984
Shhh... $10 to keep quiet? xD
1420157
Hay man, ten bucks works for me. o/
More.........
Great work, can't wait to see what happens next! Though after four chapters of rarity's POV, I'm just dying to see what going on in twilight's head.
Bayard poured his eyes over the gift.
pored
“Okay?”
Probably meant a period here.
“That doesn't seem like a ta drink.”
missing a word
A pony like Twi' prolly never had a touch of alcohol before, and new drinkers tend ta go quick-like.
'Prolly' seems British to me if anything.
Pinkie, ah brought over a wagon-full of apples from the winter store for ya, jus' like ya asked.
I'd really like to discourage you from using eye-dialect like 'ah', 'mah', 'jus'', etc., mainly because it never flows well -- it's always clumsy and distracting. Also because it's used for dialects that the author finds silly-sounding or uneducated, so it's easy for a reader to feel there's classist or regionalist sentiment behind it, and I doubt that's something you want to express. More normal ways of expressing casual speech like 'ya' and 'readin'' are okay though.
So Rarity, how's the new fashion line coming along?
Yes darling, it's shaping up nicely.
Should be 'So, Rarity, how's...' and 'Yes, darling, it's...'. Direct address needs to be set off with commas from any word next to it in the sentence, before and/or after. There are more cases of this here and in earlier chapters.
So you're nights aren't so... Sleepless?
So... You're going over tomorrow?
'your' in the first one.
An ellipsis can end a sentence but it can also be a pause in the middle of one. These both seem to be that kind, so there's no need to capitalize the word after the ellipsis. There might be other cases of this.
I like a good Rarity x Twilight story; there aren't too many that are good, but DAMN Pinkie is really making it difficult to continue reading. She's a terrible friend. Yes, she's very random, but here she's the worst secret keeper in the world, and such a bad friend in general that it makes me question why any of them are friends with her.
Man, I completely forgot how much of a cunt Pinkie was in this.
lmao at the previous two readers being triggered by plot progression and pinkie pie being bubbly and pinkie pie like