• Member Since 14th Feb, 2019
  • offline last seen July 22nd

Sunset Awesomness17


"You’re born to Shimmer!” Thank you for checking out my stories! I’m not the best writer, but I hope you like what I have to give! Enjoy!

E

Sunset Shimmer is tired of everyone being so serious and so she gets a wild idea, decides be a little silly, and become a cow. Some of her friends decide to join her.


I know, I KNOW! It’s random but I can’t help myself! Lol enjoy!:pinkiecrazy: (kinda got the idea from Doja Cat.:yay:)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 16 )

Moo! Thanks for this adorable randomness-moo! The characters were all spot on-moo! Moo moo moo! :heart:

10859473
You’re welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it, moo!:twilightsmile:

Then she pulled her hair into a think side braid, adding in the little cow ears.

I know this is random but I'm still inclined to believe that you meant 'thick side braid'.

Speaking of random it's honestly a little scary how much fun I had reading this.

Oh well...

Onwards!!

10859702
Im so glad you enjoyed it! Also yes, my autocorrect is a drunk that tends to change my words constantly (even if it was already spelled right.) SMH, drunk keyboard.🙄

I shall fix! ☝️😌

This is kind of cute in a strange way. I love how close Sunset, Celestia and Luna are in this fic. They seem more like close friends than principals and student. Also, Mr. Cranky was a nice touch. His dialogue hit the spot.


While I'm here, I also have some critique about this chapter. Feel free to ignore it; I find that generally the more rules you place on yourself while writing, the slower and less you write (until you git gud).


“OH MY GOSH! ITS FINALLY HERE!!!” Sunset said to herself as she opened an amazon package with several face masks inside.

This first one is less of a critique, more of a nitpick, but, my initial image I read "face masks" was like, several Kabuki masks? I'm not sure why the facemasks are important enough to mention anyways, since they don't have any other role in the fic aside from... being in the box.

*

a brown and white cow dress

little cow outfit

it had a cute little sparkling matching red-ish brown skirt

The cow little dress was white and brown with short sleeves with cute little cow-like spots on the bosom and skirt. The skirt of the dress was longer on the back than than the front and had the felt more like a summer dress.

The way this dress is described is a little confusing. I think that's mostly because description of the dress is wandering through the first three paragraphs, so you never really get a concrete impression of the dress. I think it would be best to describe the dress first, and in its own paragraph. Then describe the rest of the ensemble in the following paragraph. Kind of like this:

Sunset slipped into the dress. The dress was made of a heavier white fabric with large brown splotches much like a cow's. The spotted, knee length skirt that was longer in the back than the front. The short sleeves and low neckline meant the costume felt most like a sundress.

In addition to the dress, the dress had come with... [more stuff]

*

When Sunset buys the coffee, the phrasing is just a little off. I think it's because it seems like there should be an amount of money being payed for coffee, but maybe for whatever reason [the amount] can't be said?

Sunset pays the amount and leaves with a a quick wave goodbye.

A really easy fix is just to say that Sunset pays. Like this:

Sunset pays and leaves with a quick wave goodbye.

*

She raised her hands up with that claws out kind of way and sort of pounced on Sunset, tickling her silly. “AAAA! NO-AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!! N-NOOO! ST-AHAHAHAHAHAHA-P! HAHAHAHAHA!!!” Celestia laughed along with her. “Hahaha! Oh think yes!”

Alright, this is what I really want to talk about. When two characters are having dialogue --even dialogue where they're speaking (or squealing or yelling) simultaneously-- it's really important that the reader knows who's saying what. Usually this is done by having a paragraph break everytime a different character starts speaking. likes this:

Celestia raised her clawed hands up and pounced on Sunset, tickling her silly!

"AAAA!" Sunset screamed, "NO-AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!! N-NOOO! ST-AHAHAHAHAHAHA-P! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”

"Hahaha!" Ceslestia laughed along with her. "Oh I think yes!"


Other than those few things (and some typos and some strange tense changes), I think this is a pretty well written chapter! It totally quenches all of my cow-related before school hijinks thirsts. Also like I said before, strangely cute.

10861712
Thank you! The criticism is very helpful and I’ll try and work on it. I hope enjoy the rest of this pretty random fic. Thank you so much for the review!

Few spelling errors. And I'd personally get rid of the swears or add a teen rating as that might be why the down votes appeared.

Overwhelming good stuff though. One more chapter of this then I'll have to favourite it under some kind of sillyness folder.

10861959
Wait what swearing? There isn’t supposed to be any swearing at all in this.😅

10861959
WOW! I didn’t even realized I put a swear word in there. No!😭 I fixed it!

Without any warning, Pinkie Pie practice dragged Sunset out of the school building and headed out toward the horse statue.

Practically

Before she could even read the door, saw Principal Celestia appear right in front of her.

the door, she saw

We she start acting more like cows!” She said as the idea came to her.

We should start

She and the her other friends all sat down on a nearby bench.

She and her

They felt like it was really nice, she they shot some photos with me holding

nice, they shot



Even with the minor gramma/spelling errors, it was a very enjoyable read. You have a talent for random comedy and I hope to see more...

10863610
Thank you so much for the feedback! I will probably make some more, this was very fun to write. Next time lo be sure to triple check the story for sure. I appreciate this very much!:twilightsmile:

What is this insanity, I like it!

10865180
“What is this insanity?”

I have come to accept it as part of my 3am moments.🥴😌 I’m glad you liked it!

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