My lying pages. (Anthology Speed-writing!)

by PacifistDoodl3r

4 AMWDW PacifistDoodl3r and forgiving yourself. | June 26.2022 |

AMWDW, self written session.

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It was like he expected to see them, as the dark grey pony closes the door and turns to Dr. Wolf's direction. Slowly making their way to the couch, the pony settles in and notices the wolf patiently waiting. He started to open his mouth but was quickly cut off.

"-I'm sorry. I've been anxiously waiting for this appointment and I may be a little... awkward?" The mare attempts to blow hair out of their face right after saying this.

"Oh, that's alright. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the fist to confess that. Anyway, so Pacifist, what brings you here?"

"You know, pfft I was in the neighborhood and thought I should stop by... heh." They reposition, trying to feel the utmost comfort in the couch.

"Booking an appointment and everything? Take your time telling me what's up, you look worried about something." He sits up in his chair, titling his head.

"Nothing happened two years ago... nothing about this incident that totally didn't happen still haunts me and upsets me- which it doesn't! I was hypothetically speaking if it were to had happened... then it would've still hurt me today... which it doesn't." They clutch their chest with a hoof, taking heavy breaths.

"Are you comfortable talking about it?" He softened his voice, getting up from his chair. "I'll make us some tea. It helps with nerves and you'll like it."

"Th-thank you."

He left the office and entered the small kitchen, opening a deawer with boxes of tea bags. Pacifist leaned their head to look at Dr. Wolf taking out a box.

He cleared his throat before speaking, "We have Green, White, Sweet, Black-"

"Chamomile!"

"Chamomile? Alright, coming up... and I'll have earl grey." He placed two packets on the counter top before lifting the box back into the cabinents, giving Pacifist a warm smile once he noticed them watching.

Dr. Wolf poured water inside a pot, then he proceeded to give the mugs company with teabags. He cranked a black kitchen timer to four minutes. Walking back to his chair, Dr. Wolf wrote in his notebook.

"Now, we may begin properly." A small nod from Pacifist, and he continued, "Strange, I thought I was the only one here who's favourite Holiday is Nightmare Night." He gave a smirk.

This made Pacifist's eyes widen. "Wh- what? Wait, you too?" A beat, and a giggle signified it clicked. "Oh- uhm- my hair? Orchid purple and pumpkin are like my favourite colours but, yes, I love Nightmare Night! Free candy- food is indeed my love language."

"Well then, when you're 'looking', I hope some stallion-"

"Or mare-"

"Or somepony-"

"-or griffin or a-"

"I bet somecreature will supply you with the goodies you have a sweet tooth for." He tried to hold back laughter.

"Ah, they better be some gourmet chef baking me sweet rolls if they- ah heh heh- want to woo me-" They burst out laughing and Dr. Wolf lets it out too.

"Oooh it... feels nice to laugh here." He smiled and took a deep breath, "So, two years ago you..." he studied his notebook, "had a terrible incident-"

"I'm sorry to cut you off but I bet you know what comes after the letter S in the alphabet?"

"T? T... oh, I gotta get the... hold on."

He momentarily left. Pacifist heard the sound of boiling water. Soon after, they heard the sound of boiling water being poured. A pause. Then it was poured again. Dr. Wolf held the tea using tiny plates in each paw, giving Pacifist one plate and sitting back down with the other.

Blowing on the tea, he took a sip, returning his attention to Pacifist. "About your issue that happened a while ago, I wanted to ask- how'd you find that?"

"The Sherlock Pone plushie? It was just by the bookshelf? It's a little cute. I couldn't imagine somepony throwing it... however... do you have one of-" Sudden silence. They looked to the side and started to take heavier breaths.

"Is something the matter? Pacifist?"

"Nyeoo- I- I am fine."

"You said 'no' in a weird manner- I'm here to help you, it's alright." He placed the tea on his lap, giving them a compassionate stare.

"I use the y consonant in my speech when I'm... anyhow," they winced before shy eyes dart back at him, "I don't exactly... like a past patient of yours. I have a strong distain for this individual. And, no, it's not Fluttershy because she's actually my favourite of the mane 6."

Dr. Wolf sipped his tea again before giving them a slightly serious look, "I see."

"And, yeah, this has to do with whatever happened quite a bit ago." They stared out the window. "Everybody likes them, even I once did but seeing the wrong side of a person can taint your perception of them. You know what I mean?"

"I understand completely. This one incident ruined your positive feelings towards this person no matter how long you liked them. We tend to take negative acts or words more attentively than the good."

"Is it ok if I don't disclose who this is? I think a part of me enjoys denouncing people and I used to- a lot- in the past... but I came here to grow as a person." Pacifist parted their mane to the side, anticipating Dr. Wolf's words.

"Maturity comes with experience and effort, not age. I'm glad to see you're trying to better yourself, Pacifist." Dr. Wolf took a sip of tea once again.

Pacifist looked at their tea, blowed at the steam, before they drank all of it in one go. "Please- call me... Zelle."

"Are you comfortable with that?"

"Although many prefer being called by their pen or channel name, I do in some occasions but when it comes to therapy- I dunno- I just feel like my name is appropriate here? So, yes."

"Thanks for sharing that, Zelle, I'm glad to be here for you." Dr. Wolf smiled, pushing up his specs during another moment of writing down some notes.

"It was a huge misunderstanding and now- it's a huge hole left in my heart while they probably forgot about it by now..." their voice starts to break, "I- I was stupid and didn't consider their perspective- th-they overreacted and hurt my feelings! Could've just calmly explained to me but instead, I felt aggressively attacked and now someone who- who I once..." with a shakey voice, Pacifist quivered their lips before trying to continue, "...looked up to... ughh it was unfair. Without any way to solve the problem- I was too heated and angry to talk to them- this was left unresolved. Thus, making me have th- this disgust anytime I see them! I'm sorry I didn't give you a reason why this started... and for raising my voice." They took a deep breath.

Dr. Wolf blinked. He gave a small frown, nodding in acknowledgment. "You want them to apologize for something that left you upset? Do they feel any hard feelings for what happened? I'm saying this because it sounds as if there's something you're not telling me. You see, it's usually the aggressor that still maintains bitterness from something like this that has happened this long ago. The person you're upset with... are they, themself, still hurt by this incident? Does that make sense to you?"

Pacifist sighed, "Oh... y- you're good. That's a fair point." They clutched their heart, veering away from Dr. Wolf. "Uhm- umm... yes. I started it." Their eyes began to water, "I- I- I am unable to accept being in the wrong... even after all this time."

"Take a deep breath, you're alright, Zelle." Dr. Wolf finished his tea, setting it aside on the floor. "Are you upset for being in the wrong without any reconciliation or closure?"

"Mhm... it hurts. It doesn't just hurt being in the wrong, no, I'm more upset at the fact they seemed so- happy moments afterwards while I was left sulking and tearing my hair out. I just wanted a proper discussion with them about something I felt was wrong but they gave me a deep wound that... needs to start healing. At the time, I felt like nothing compared to an unscathed person. I felt like... nothing." Zelle began to cry, burying their face in hooves that shook from nerves.

"It's always tough trying to regain self worth after a painful thing someone you looked up to said. Whether that be a sister, a mother, a brother, a father... a friend or a pony you cared about telling it to you. But for something to cut deep this much, a nerve had to be struck that you found true. Are you ok with telling me what stuck with you?"

The heavy breaths and sobbing stopped. Pacifist looked up at Dr. Wolf with teary pink eyes.

Silence.

A minute passed before Dr. Wolf started again.

"Earlier you said Fluttershy was your favourite of the mane six. Can you tell me why? I'm actually curious."

"Fl-fluttershy... hmm... yeahh, I-" *sniff* "I like her because she's passionate, patient, understanding, and always tries to learn two perspectives before jumping to conclusions. I wish I had those qualities and I admire her because of that." Pacifist gives a little smile, "She makes being an introvert a good thing- usually people shun it but she really owns it and that feels a little endearing to me. It's comforting to know someone like you is proud to be themselves... makes me feel..."

"Seen..."

"Yes. Nobody notices me but I feel a little less alone knowing someone like me is out there being the best version of themself. Here's something outsiders don't know about living with borderline personality disorder- and I don't mean to negate anyone's experience or put someone down, Dr. Wolf, I am constantly latching on to someone- not relationship wise- just... a friend I think I have and wait for them to make one mistake so I can dig deeper for more mess ups until the version I had of them in my head dies. Then they hate me because I end up hating them. Suddenly I find myself pushing everyone away because I get hurt and feel as if the world is out to get me. Of course, it's only a matter of time before I either go back to self hatred and substance abuse to cope or finding another poor person I think sees me as a friend; constantly jumping at any chance to make them break my heart. I don't want to be alone but- I heavily encourage it. I can't help it. I need help." Pacifist sunk their head into the couch, wanting to disappear.

Dr. Wolf felt his heart drop. Now, he pieced it all together. "Earlier, you explained to me how this incident with somepony you looked up to left you with hatred and bitterness. Is that correct?"

"Uh huhh~"

"I believe you don't really dislike them, you're... more upset with yourself and the fact your disorder got in the way of making things better by having you move on. Zelle, this person broke your heart because you were too attached to them. You have just described what having BPD feels like."

"I have no control over it. It's torture..."

"That's right. I believe you. But you can make things better with forgiveness."

"Dr. they've done nothing wrong. I started it, I- I shouldn't forgive them and they shouldn't forgive me."

"I think that's the problem, Zelle. You need to forgive yourself."

"Wh-when I see or even think about them... I feel my chest twist within me... maybe that's the feeling of heartbreak. Well, I really hope that can end soon so I can watch any video involving them... hearing their friendly voice... I can at least try to stitch my feelings about them together. This is a lot to take in for me."

"Since you understand that this internal conflict with yourself had this incident blown up to proportion, I hope you realize living with an intense mental illness such as this is a hardship- one you have to live with but can overcome. Forgive yourself and embrace the version of you who managed to pull through a tough situation."

Pacifist got off of the couch and placed the Sherlock Pone plushie on the bookshelf. "Why do you even have this!?" They let out a chuckle, "I mean- FIW is fun and all but-" a sigh, "ok, seriously speaking, I'll better myself. I'm immature, prideful, arrogant, and full of rage. A kitten, ready to claw at anything due to my disorder. However, like you said, I don't have to be that. I don't want to be that. I can surprise myself and write silly stories for everyone despite being weighed down." Pacifist took a breath of fresh air.

"I'm happy for you. It's your decision to reach out to this person and explain things with a clearer mindset, although, I'd give it a month or two of mental progress before doing so."

"N-no I think I'll be fine keeping a little distance. Maybe I'll start commenting sweet things on their videos again after a while? But nothing more. I think- I uhm... I think I'm good. It's been nice talking to you, doc."

"Will you be ok, Zelle?"

"Sure. Thank you so much for... listening and pointing me in the right direction."

"Anytime! I hope you make good progress on forgiving yourself and being more understanding of others. Shall we continue on this next week?"

"Yes, perhaps? I'll let you know if I make some much needed healthy progress. Farewell, Dr. Wolf!"

Pacifist waved a hoof goodbye, closing the door behind them.

Dr. Wolf, after a few seconds, took a deep breath and stretched his arms.

"It's good to be helping."

Author's Note:

This one feels very personal to me. I have all of this emotional baggage I don't know how to just- let out? Anyway, I've written this to help me. Also I am a fan of Dr. Wolf.

Here's a link to his FimFic account
FimFic
and YouTube. Please subscribe, he makes my day (I guess I just need a moment with Dr Wolf... even though I'm writing this)
Youtube