Chapter 1: The Beginning
"It is over, Nightmare Moon! Now with the power of the final element of harmony, we shall defeat you... again!" Twilight called out, the power of harmony surging around her, as she channeled it through her element.
"No! You shall never defeat me, again! The night shall last forever!" Nightmare Moon called out, defiantly charging her horn with a spell she hoped would counter the elements.
"What? No this can't be happening! I Nightmare Moon can not lose, not to the likes of you! Not again!" She yelled as her beam of magic was being pushed back. She desperately poured more and more of her magic into the spell but to no avail. "No NO NO! I will return and when I do I'll destroy you all!" She cursed and screamed as the magic overtook her enveloping her in a cocoon of light.
"Save your breath, Nightmare Moon. There is no way you're gonna weasel your way out of this one. Not this time," Twilight called out as the cocoon imprisoning's Nightmare Moon vanished in a flash of light.
"Hoo wee, did we do it Twi?" Applejack asked worriedly. "Is there a chance she can reappear just like she did this time? Or is she gone for good? I mean she returned without needing Princess Luna's body as a vessel for Petes sake."
"One can hope Applejack, I mean how many times are we going to travel to the Castle Of The Two Sisters, to fight the same villain?" Replied Rarity as she checked the tapestry for any damages. "How many battles can this poor place take? It is hardly standing as it is."
"That isn't even the worst part. She even removed the source of our Rainbow Power. I mean what is the point of the Rainbow Power, if it vanishes the moment elements are removed from the tree. That is so not cool." Replied Rainbow Dash. " I mean how are we suppose to protect Equestria, if we also have to babysit the tree to ensure no one steals the elements to take away our powers."
"I'll speak to Celestia about getting some guard's stationed by the tree to prevent that from happening but for now lets head back to Ponyville to celebrate our second victory against Nightmare Moon." Twilight said already planning the letter out in her head.
"Lets party!" Pinkie cried out with confetti flying everywhere.
"Lets get back to Ponyville before we celebrate Pinkie."
"Oh alright I just can't wait to plan the how did Nightmare Moon return party and we defeated Nightmare Moon again party and the-"
"We get it Pinkie, we have a lot to look forward to when we get back." Twilight responded eager to report her victory To the Princesses.
"Umm I agree with Twilight on this one we should get out of the Everfree before the monsters come back out of hiding." Fluttershy said meekly.
"Alright lets go then." Rainbow responded flying out of the castle the others followed suit.
{?????} first person
Castle Of The Two Sisters
"What... who... where am I? what am I doing here I don't remember anything. So why does thing place feel so familiar. like I belong here." I say as I gather my bearings, taking in the scenery.
"Why is this place so damaged, did a battle occur here? Am I the only survivor?" Many questions floated around in my head but no answers to them. So I decided to risk it and explore the ruins to see if I could find any clues to what had happened here. Looking around I was able to locate a Throne room which showed signs of a recent battle but everything else looks like it has been untouched for centuries.
"Just who am I? Who ruled here?" I questioned myself as I continued to explore the castle. finding a bunch of emptily rooms filled with booby traps. "Just who in there right mind, booby traps their own castle this is outrageous." I yell out loud as the frustration of getting caught in yet another trap gets to me. "I'm glad that there not deadly at least, but seriously." I say as I once again look for my way out of the trap. Each one seems to have a puzzle that needs to be solved to escape but I can't find the puzzle in this one.
"Don't tell me I am actually stuck down here. There has to be a way out." I say as I rub my hoof against the wall searching for a clue when all of the sudden the way rotates and sends me flying in the other direction "That is one way to get out I guess. If I ever find the pony that build this damm thing I'll give them a peace of my mind." I say as I check my new surroundings.
"A library this is exactly what I've been looking for." I say as I went to read the books only to find that I could hardly understand them. "Well that's just great. All that time to find something useful, only to find out I apparently can not read." I say as I continue searching the library. As I continued to search through the books, the symbols suddenly started making sense.
"What? This is so weird. I wasn't able to read a moment ago, but now I am? Is it because I'm starting to remember more about myself?" I asked myself not expecting an answer. "What ever caused it I'm not going to complain." I said as I continued looking through the books in the library till the sun went down and I could no longer read the books. "Brrrrr it is so-so cold in here. I need to find a blanket or something, maybe I should of done that instead of reading till it was to dark to see." I said scolding myself for not plaining ahead. And as if it wanted to add to the list of problems my stomach growled as well.
"Just great I am hungry and I'm cold what else is there to worry about." I say as wolfs started howling in the distance.
"Me and my big mouth. It will be hard enough to fall asleep without worrying about being eaten in my sleep. World cut me some slack please, thank you." I say as I curl up in a ball on the most comfortable surface I could find and tried for sleep.
Stats
Page generated in 0.017 seconds
Total duration
804 users online
1,187,231 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Careful, they might acuse you of ripping off "Past Sins"
10759878
I didn't even know that story existed till you told me.
Edit: after reading the first two chapters I recognized the character nyx as she appears in other story's that I have read.
I saw some missing whatever these are " " at the front of some dialogue otherwise the story seems good maybe a bit more detail would be nice
You've got a good story going here and you're using your characters well, but it's being held back by a variety of writing errors. An editor or prereader might be able to help you catch these if you can find one. I'll try to outline some of the writing issues below - I apologize for going to such lengthy detail, but hopefully this should get you started.
This should be Chapter 1: The Beginning. I know that's a trivial thing, but this is the very first thing someone will see when they start reading, so it's worth getting right. Without the colon, Chapter 1 The Beginning would be read as four consecutive words, which isn't a meaningful sentence.
Twilight's proclamation sounds a bit hammy, but honestly I kind of like that. :) There are two minor punctuation issues with Twilight's dialogue:
1. Use a space after an ellipsis (the three dots).
2. If you have action after dialogue, the rule is that you don't end the dialogue with a period. You instead end it with a comma. This rule is a bit of a difficult one because we are always taught to end sentences with a period, and this seems to break that rule - however, it's because your dialogue is followed by Twilight called out that we would use a comma in this case.
The corrected dialogue would look like this:
"It is over Nightmare Moon. Now with the power of the final element of harmony, we shall defeat you... again," Twilight called out, with the power of harmony surging around her.
Although these are very trivial nitpicks, I highly recommend taking the time to get dialogue correctly formatted. This is how your readers will hear the characters in their head, and it makes a big difference to how your story is perceived.
This is a sentence fragment - it doesn't really make sense on its own. Obviously you mean that Twilight is channeling the power of harmony through her element, in which case this is really a part of the preceding sentence. Personally I'd write the line like this:
"It is over, Nightmare Moon! Now with the power of the final element of harmony, we shall defeat you... again!" Twilight called out, the power of harmony surging around her as she channeled it through her element.
Your addition of the "again" is a very nice detail. It immediately lets the reader know that this isn't the first battle with Nightmare Moon, thus setting the scene and avoiding any confusion straight away, while raising a bunch of interesting questions to hook the reader in and keep them reading. And it's accomplished in one word of dialogue. That kind of efficiency is great in storytelling.
A few issues here:
1. you shall never defeat me again! is a full sentence, and sentences must begin with a capital letter.
2. Again, since this dialogue is followed by action, you should end it with a comma, not a period - however, since this is something Nightmare Moon is "calling out", it's probably better to use an exclamation mark anyway. She's probably shouting it.
3. Nightmare Moon called out defiantly charging her horn - this is missing a comma. It should be Nightmare Moon called out, defiantly charging her horn. (Without a comma, there are two different ways to parse the action - either Nightmare Moon is calling out defiantly, or she is charging her horn defiantly).
Again, there's another nice detail here with "she hoped" - we see that despite Nightmare Moon's bravado, she isn't actually confident she can win. Once again, an important detail is communicated in very few words. Good stuff.
This is a little out of order - we see Nightmare Moon's reaction before we've seen what she's reacting to, so her statement feels a bit out of nowhere (particularly since she was the last to speak before this, so it seems like she's talking to herself).
The dialogue has a couple of issues:
1. What no this can't be happening. - this is just a string of words. Read aloud, it sounds flat and robotic. Nightmare Moon is surprised and panicking - it should be more like What? No! This can't be happening!
2. I Nightmare Moon can not lose, not to the likes of you! - Use commas to create natural breaks in speech. If you don't, characters sound robotic since the words will all just be read out one after the other, with no inflection or emotion. Should be more like I, Nightmare Moon, can not lose, not to the likes of you!
Here's a prime example where commas need to be used - since there are none in the sentence, this sounds like a robot is talking. I would do it like this:
Save your breath, Nightmare Moon. There is no way you're gonna weasel your way out of this one.
I actually broke it into two sentences because Twilight is really saying two things here. Also it's "you're" (short for "you are"), not "your".
Careful with Applejack's accent. It can be tricky. :) It is actually fine not to write out Applejack's accent at all - some people even prefer not writing the accent phonetically.
Some issues here:
1. Ho we - I know what you mean here, but it looks a bit weird. I looked up ways to express this sound and the consensus seems to be "Hoo-wee!"
2. Applejack asked worryingly. - "worryingly" is the wrong word (it means "in a way that causes worry"). This should be Applejack asked worriedly, because she is worried.
3. Is there ah chance - nope! This is incorrect. "ah" is not a replacement for the word "a". It's how Applejack says "I" in her accent.
4. Is there ah chance she can reappear just like she did this time. Or is she gone for good. These are both questions. Questions must end in a question mark. If they don't, the speech sounds flat and robotic.
5. I mean she returned without needing princess Luna's body as ah vessel for petes sake. - "princess" is a title and should be capitalized. Again, "ah" does not mean "a". The "Pete" in the expression "Pete's sake" is a person, so that should be capitalized too. Otherwise, I like the exposition here.
This is a question so it should have a question mark, but I just wanted to say that I love how Rarity is concerned more about the state of the castle than anything else. XD
It is never necessary to announce the perspective in which a scene or story is written. The reader will determine this as soon as they start reading. Specifying the perspective breaks immersion.
In general, you don't need to specify the character or the location either, unless this is a specific framing device you are trying to employ consistently. However, I would say it isn't necessary. A written story is not a movie or a video game - the reader doesn't need visual information dumps. (You can include them for a style, but you don't necessarily need them to tell the story).
In fact, I would just open this section straight into the narration. I'd probably do it like this:
Italics are a common way to express a character's inner thoughts without them speaking them aloud. I also took some liberties with the text justification to make this part seem disjointed and separate from the main text, creating a dreamlike feel, reminiscent of someone waking up.
Note that this section makes the infodump entirely unnecessary, since it contains all of the information from it - we know that this is an unknown character, we know where they are (they refer to a battle, which we've just seen), and we can see it's in first person.
Hope some of this information is useful!