• Member Since 4th May, 2013
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On the Sliding Scale Of Idealism Vs. Cynicism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon page.)


Discord generally treats his own biology as an optional extra and for the most part, he's opted out. The processes involved in a fully-realized form are just a little too orderly for him, not to mention strange. Still, he's willing to admit that a physical body can create a little chaos here and there. And after hearing a group of preschoolers muse on whether he's capable of generating and passing gas -- the mundane way! -- he's curious to try it for himself. After all, they seem to think it's the funniest thing imaginable.

Preschoolers and Discord tend to have a lot in common. Like their sense of humor. And having absolutely no understanding of consequences.

(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 48 )
Estee #1 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Author's Extremely Public Note: No matter what the subject matter might encourage anyone to believe, this is not a fetish story.

For that matter, neither is this one.

(Coincidence. I swear.)

Let's just be thankful he figured all this out now, and not earlier

Then he provided it with lots of other beans for company, stuck them all in a pocket dimension, waved up a home with half-botanic caretaker, added a full ecosystem, brought the whole thing to life, popped out before any of it could see him and forgot about it for five years.

It would've been longer if it weren't for the resulting Bearer mission.

Most of his attention was focused on what was happening with his body. He was almost used to the wind aspects of the internal storm, and acid rain was normal enough. The lightning, however, probably wasn't supposed to be there.

The bacteria still ignored it, though that was taking some effort.

Explains why AB kept sayin' her hooves were goin' through the pears.

I suppose in this timeline, Granny Smith was a bit more open about Buttercup's history.

I figured that was the issue earlier on, but seeing the fix... There's a reason you don't rush these things. :twilightoops: And Discord's tutors in the most wonderful feelings in the world have a lot to answer for.

Wonderfully horrible in every way conceivable, and a few others besides. Thank you for this.

Going through the creations, I noticed that missing part! :twilightsmile:


Huh, that "best feeling". I didn't expect that. But at least it's less area-of-effect than this... Hmm...


What does it mean, that Discord can turn things from and into pure magic... Oh. Conjuration, like well. The obvious one. It's just that his is better? Or something?

the concept of drinking acid?" He peered suspiciously at the liquid. "That may sound intriguing enough at the base


And then there was the small intestine, which was somehow worse. It turned out that when you created a properly-functioning small intestine, you also conjured up a number of guests.

anyway, it's about pressure differential! The higher up you are, the easier it is. It wants to come out."

I refuse to take any portion of the blame for this.

"-- you don't have a rectum."

Rectum? Damn near stoned him!

(It was best to avoid the tree in this, as the librarian had two bad habits: listening in on his studies, and then trying to stop them. Really, of all the ponies to discourage learning...)

I want to see that. I think three things would happen. First, Twilight would be angry at Discord using chaos magic on her books. Second, the natural instincts of a librarian would be to shush the noise makers, even if they are the books. The third would be Twilight trying to replicate the spell on her own, because then she could talk to her friends books!

I could see Twilight’s conflict... “It’s Discord and chaos magic, but I get to talk to my books!”

And this is further proof of my head canon that Discord can’t read and won’t learn. Besides, animating the books and arguing with them is more fun...

Obviously this proves that Discord was at least originally a girl because girls don’t fart. (Reference)

*insert r/woosh-able lecture on how it is scientifically possible for a girl to fart, and that they do indeed fart*

An absolute gas.

Whoever knew that Discord farting could be so interesting

I haven't laughed out lout reading something in forever. This is great.

Scyphi #13 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Hooves scrabbled faster. "One does not ask a lady to -- !"

"Ah didn't," the farmer countered. "Ah asked you."

Buuuuuuurrrrrnnnn! :rainbowlaugh:

I actually hemmed and hawed about reading this for a good while at first, naturally given the subject material, but I'm ultimately glad I did, because it was a certainly amusing read in the end. :twilightsmile:

What an april fools day story. Made me laugh to the end.

You write an interesting Discord that's for sure.

Discord animating Twilight books and she end up arguing with them or stopping a war between the different section could be a pretty good story.

:duck: How rude!
:moustache: Yea , How could he!
:duck: Yes!
:moustache: Should of had a contest first!
:rainbowhuh: Wut?
:moustache: No blow hole no bits - Even Rarity could of raked in the bits! She's a fog horn.
:twilightoops: Spike?
:rainbowderp: She stopped up Spikes blow hole...
:facehoof: It'll take all day to get him off her horn...
:rainbowlaugh: he got the point
:flutterrage: BAD Discord...You need to replace everyponies food - and no anthracite
:moustache: Now I know what a corndog on a stick feels like....

Estee you write Discord PERFECTLY. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Does Bruno Mars is Gay?

Dan #18 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Someone send this to de Lancie.

Then he remembered that it was going to be his first fart ever, and chose all of them.

Oh, Discord. :facehoof:

Well, that was very... Discord :)
Also, Rainbow Dash really needs to learn to keep her mouth shut :)


"Did you know her eyes could do that?" he asked the dragon. "The glowing-white thing. I thought that was just with yours."

Is this right? It seems like he's asking if Spike's eyes glow.

Dan #21 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

It's established canon that pegasai only fart helium, so I don't know what Rarity was upset about.

It isn't clear whether all earth ponies fart N₂O or if Pinkie is just a special case and most of them produce the standard methane/trace hydrogen sulfide.

Emtu #22 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Having just read this, and looking at the story just above it in the feature box, another thought comes to mind - do niriks fart, or does the gas just burn away when they transform?

Chaos needed a place to happen and when it came to Ponyville, Discord happened all the time.


"Does Discord throw up?"

:rainbowderp: ... :pinkiecrazy:

This was a hoot. :pinkiehappy:

Tipper #24 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

After years in Ponyville, life as a Bearer, and constant exposure to her various friends quite apart from Discord himself, Twilight Sparkle is probably getting reasonably familiar with chaos.

But I would lay good odds that she never imagined she would one day have to explain to him the importance and function of an anus. Or that she would so immediately and deeply regret it.

Hooray for new experiences, I suppose.

"and as with all just about all things orderly, Discord"
"and as with just about all things orderly, Discord"?

"very like like a fast-building"
"very like a fast-building"?

"and started up at Sun as his long"
"and stared up at Sun as his long"?

"every bird had stopping singing"
"every bird had stopped singing"?

Hooves scrabbled faster. "One does not ask a lady to -- !"

"Ah didn't," the farmer countered. "Ah asked you."

Second time in as many weeks as I've almost dropped my phone in the bathtub from laughing about one of your fics. Thank you for this!

I nearly choked on my food out of fighting the urge to hold the laughter the moment I saw the story name. :rainbowlaugh:

There are very few who could make a story about farting both realistic and thoughtful without killing the humor.
I are impressed.

It seemed appropriate... so I read this story over a series of toilet visits. I give it rotten eggs out of rotten skunk; high marks considering the light subject.

I understand it's a five-year mission to beanly go where no mare has gone before.

(It may be half-Baked.)

At least Discord didn't also find out about puffer peppers!

I mean, of the two, you know which of the two is technically the lady here. That's right: it's Lady Applejack Malus of House Rosaceae.

Given the amount of expansion that typically accompanies combustion, as well as the comparative lack of oxygen within the lower gastrointestinal tract, I suspect that transformation-induced internal combustion would be both extremely painful and extremely unlikely. To my mind, there are two options: 1) the heat associated with the transformed state is strictly external, and no internal changes occur, causing no effects on the gas and its time of egress whatsoever; or 2) the heat is internal as well as external, which would lead to drastic adiabatic expansion of the gas, followed by a much more immediate and forceful egress, upon which the volatile components would certainly combust.

I don't know why I just spent ten minutes contemplating how Niriks fart, but at least now I'm not the only one who has to live with that mental image.

If James Joyce commissioned a story I think it would end up like this .

I appreciate this comment so much. You don't even know.

And of course, there were the beans. The beans were the best part. He heard the word 'garbanzo' for the first time and laughed for three minutes. It wasn't a name which belonged on a seed: it was something more suited to an inquisitive (and perhaps slightly stuffy) cross between a magician and a professor. So he dressed up one of the beans appropriately, gave it some limbs, and laughed for another five minutes.

Then he provided it with lots of other beans for company, stuck them all in a pocket dimension, waved up a home with half-botanic caretaker, added a full ecosystem, brought the whole thing to life, popped out before any of it could see him and forgot about it for five years.

We all know what we want next.

The Powerful Trixie vs The Great Professor Garbanzo!!!

Nirik Secret Move: Rear-Facing Flame Jet!

This was quite a funny story and totally believable for Discord to such a thing.

Now THERE is a worthy crowdfund !


Then he provided it with lots of other beans for company, stuck them all in a pocket dimension, waved up a home with half-botanic caretaker, added a full ecosystem, brought the whole thing to life, popped out before any of it could see him and forgot about it for five years.

Ah yes, I remember this comic. :twistnerd:

An here we go again......

The idea that Applejack is merely being pedantic about what's theoretically a title of nobility amuses me at least as much as the surface-level burn, even without the fact that her ancestors were granted land by the Princess.

Hmm, methane and other substances being subjected to pressure and high heat in an un-oxygenated environment could actually produce more refined and energy-dense fuels.

Lighting farts is probably a sport among dragons.

And now I have St Frank's "Let's Make the Water Turn Black" playing in my head, buck you.

Then my work here is done.

What in the flying hell did I just read? XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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