Equestrian Sex Education
Twilight awoke suddenly to the sound of panicked knocking on the front door of her castle, causing her to rush quickly out of bed. Stumbling hastily onto her hooves, she began wondering about what might be wrong as she attempted to trot down the crystalline halls toward the entryway without falling onto the floor, despite barely being able to see due to grogginess. Was there an attack on Equestria's borders? An upset citizen seeking to file a complaint? Her mind raced as she tried to predict the possibilities until she entered the foyer and arrived at the door.
Twilight opened it with a loud creak, mentally preparing for the harsh rays of sunlight to pierce into her eyes, but was instead met with the dim coolness of dawn, and a rather sick-looking pony.
"Cheerilee?" said Twilight, rubbing her eyes with a hoof.
"Yes, it's me," replied Cheerilee, voice congested and eyes swollen, her nose slightly red.
"What are you doing here at this hour?" Twilight yawned. "Is something wrong?"
"Yes. I'm afraid I'm a bit sick, as you can probably tell, and I was hoping you could substitute teach my classroom," she replied, feeling a sneeze begin to tickle her snout. "I went straight to you because...ah...ah..."
Suddenly, Cheerilee sneezed explosively directly onto Twilight's face, who would have reflexively cast a defensive shield under normal circumstances, but early morning grogginess had severely impacted her reaction time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," apologized Cheerilee, pulling a heavily-used handkerchief out of a saddlebag to offer Twilight. "Here, let me wipe that off."
"No thanks, I'm alright." Twilight pulled away instinctively, instead casting a spell that lifted the sneeze residue off of her body, sprinkling it onto a nearby bush.
Cheerilee blew her nose into the handkerchief instead. "I was trying to say I went to you because you're the only pony I know who could do this on such short notice. I hope you aren't too busy."
Truthfully, Twilight had quite the busy day planned, but the prospect of getting to teach a room full of eager students was at least marginally more exciting than reorganizing a section of her library. Although she certainly would have appreciated a bit more notice. "Sure, I can teach your students today. What's the topic? I'll prepare an agenda."
"Oh, just ask them when you get in," replied Cheerilee, stuffing the dirty handkerchief back into her saddlebag. "School starts in twenty minutes."
"T-twenty minutes? It's barely morning."
"The early bird gets the worm, as they say...the students are quite used to arriving to school at this hour."
"Alright," Twilight sighed, taking a breath to relax herself. After all, it wasn't like she had to teach complex mathematics or an entire historic period on such short notice, and it was just one day's worth of content. "Well...I guess I should probably get going then, shouldn't I?"
"I suppose so," Cheerilee replied, coughing to her side. "Thank you so much, Twilight. The students were so excited about today's lesson, so I'm glad you're able to take over for the day as I recover."
"No problem. I hope you get well soon!"
"Thank you," she replied, turning around slowly to head back home, sneezing again just a few moments later before Twilight had even closed the door.
Twenty minutes later, at the crack of sunrise, and after spending two minutes trying to get her mane looking presentable, Twilight had arrived at Cheerilee's schoolhouse to find a room packed full of students, ready and eager to learn.
"Hello," Twilight greeted the classroom as she walked into the room, "Ms. Cheerilee couldn't be here due to sickness, so I'll be your substitute teacher for the day."
The class murmured with excitement at the prospect of the princess of friendship teaching them, to which she quietly smiled until their volume returned to a normal level.
"Can somepony tell me what Ms. Cheerilee had planned for you today?" asked Twilight.
Snails raised his hoof, stretching it has high into the air as possible.
Twilight acknowledged him. "Yes?"
"Ooh!" exclaimed Snails. "She was going to tell us about the birds and the bees."
Twilight suddenly found herself severely and utterly caught off guard. Surely that wasn't what Cheerilee wanted her to be teaching her students today. She briefly looked at the other students' faces to gauge their responses, but after observing their total non-reactions to Snails' answer, she was starting to believe that it was actually the case.
Still though, she had to make sure. "Are you certain that's what Ms. Cheerilee wants me to talk about today?"
"Yup!" Snails replied enthusiastically. "Ms. Cheerilee had our parents sign some papers about it a few days ago," he continued, gesturing toward Cheerilee's desk. "The stack is right over there."
Twilight glanced at the stack of papers, and that sealed it. There was no doubt in her mind now that Cheerilee really had intended to teach her students something quite significant and difficult to talk about today. Given the fact she'd had such short notice, however, Twilight briefly wondered if Cheerilee might have purposefully asked her to teach this day's subject, just to avoid the uncomfortable nature of it all. But after a few more moments of pondering, she realized this simply couldn't be true. Cheerilee was absolutely, definitely sick, and she had the residual sneeze droplets on her face to prove it.
Twilight took a deep, calming breath to focus her thoughts, mentally brushing up on the topic at hoof. It wasn't exactly a subject within her expertise, but being a well-read individual, she did feel confident at the prospect of teaching it on the spot. She had an important duty to attend to today, one that Cheerilee had obviously felt confident entrusting her with, and she wanted to make absolutely certain that she taught the material to the best of her abilities.
The class watched patiently as Twilight prepared to speak.
"Okay," she began confidently, "You've all likely heard bits and pieces about this topic, and some of you may know more about it than others, but today we're going to go into much greater detail and answer any questions you may have along the way. Sound good?"
"Yes, Ms. Sparkle," the classroom droned automatically, slightly startling her. Cheerilee obviously ran quite a tight ship here in Ponyville's only schoolhouse.
Twilight turned toward the chalkboard and thought for a moment or two, figuring out how she would begin.
"We'll start with basic anatomy," she continued as she used her magic to levitate a piece of chalk next to the chalkboard. On it, she began drawing an anatomical diagram for the reproductive organs of each sex, expecting giggles from the students behind her as she drew. But as she finished and placed the chalk down to face them, she was instead met with stoic silence.
Twilight was impressed. Not many teachers could develop a group of foals who were so respectful in the classroom setting, especially when teaching a topic such as this. But apparently, Cheerilee had accomplished it.
"Now, as I'm sure you're all aware, these have many different names, but today we'll be using the proper terminology." Twilight pointed to the female organ with a floating piece of chalk. "Can anypony tell me the proper name for this?"
"A'int that the pistil?" replied Apple Bloom.
"No, but that's close to the other one," said Twilight, writing the name for the female organ just below its diagram. "What about this one?" she continued, hovering the chalk by the other one.
Scootaloo raised her hoof. "The stamen?"
"...No," Twilight replied slowly. "Anypony else?"
"The calyx?" replied another student, joined shortly afterward by a chorus of other answers.
"The stigma?"
"The colas?"
"No..." her voice trailed once more. She had been expecting more vulgar or immature terminology in their responses, but the combination between being caught off guard and still trying to wake up caused her not to notice any similarities those words had to other topics.
"This is the male reproductive organ," she said aloud, giving them one more chance to provide the correct answer.
The class said nothing for several moments, until one student broke the silence.
"The pistil?" replied Snips.
Twilight resisted the urge to smack her forehead before responding. "No...that's what Apple Bloom said."
Twilight began writing its proper name on the board below the diagram, but was met with confused looks across the classroom as a result. "I suppose you haven't been exposed to this topic as much as I thought. But that's no matter," she continued, thinking of a way to engage her students more effectively. "Let's press onward to something that's perhaps even more magical than magic itself."
Twilight grimaced slightly after realizing how those words might be comically misinterpreted, but was again surprised at the mature responses of her students. Nopony was laughing, or snickering, or mumbling jokes to one another. When Celestia had taught this topic to her class many, many moons ago, she recalled the whole room giggling practically after every sentence, herself sometimes even included. Part of her was almost worried that the students weren't laughing, at least a little bit. How strict and disciplinary was Cheerilee with her students?
"And by more magical than magic itself," she recovered, "I mean the kind of magic that recently brought our beloved Flurry Heart into the world."
"Alicorn magic?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"No," she replied. "Well, kind of. Flurry Heart is still a bit of a mystery, being the first foal born as an Alicorn after all. But that's beside the point," said Twilight, resuming her attention to the chalkboard. "What I am going to cover is how babies are--"
"I heard Alicorns are what happensth when you have a unicorn and a pegathus parenths," said Twist, interrupting Twilight.
"If that were true, practically everypony would be alicorns by now," replied Diamond Tiara, looking toward Silver Spoon for admiration of her witty remark, receiving more of a half-nod of approval instead.
"Well I heard Alicorns are from a genetic mutation that occurs from exposure to high amounts of magical radiation!" said somepony else.
"Like the Power Ponies?" replied another student.
"Yeah, but less lame."
"Lame? Take it back!"
"No."
"But...Ms. Sparkle!"
Twilight raised her voice. "Students! Please...quiet down."
The classroom very quickly lowered its volume to a hush, allowing her to take a deep breath before continuing.
"First of all, I think this is a good example of why you shouldn't believe everything you hear. And for the record...I have two unicorn parents, and magical radiation doesn't exist," she continued. "But secondly...what I was going to talk about is how genetic material is passed on to new generations."
The class was silent, until Snips asked a question. "Like with the pistil?"
This time, Twilight was unable to prevent the smacking of her face. "No," she replied flatly, until she realized he was technically correct, just using the wrong terminology again. "Well, actually yes," she sighed. "But you're thinking of this, the male organ," she continued as she gestured toward the drawing on the chalkboard.
Apple Bloom seemed confused. "But...Ms. Cheerilee said the pistil was the female reproductive organ. I don't remember learnin' about anythin' called a va--"
The rest of the classroom agreed with Apple Bloom's first statement, drowning out her voice.
Twilight became confused now as well. Wasn't this the first day of a new teaching segment? She'd assumed as such, but maybe Cheerilee had done some preliminary sessions. It could certainly explain the lack of giggles, as maybe they'd already gotten them all out of their systems. It still didn't explain why their terminology was completely incorrect, however.
"Well," she replied slowly, trying to think of a charitable way to phrase what she had to say next, "I suppose I'm not certain what Ms. Cheerilee has taught you, but I believe I can be completely certain about my labeling," continued Twilight, glancing awkwardly at the fairly realistic anatomical drawings on the chalkboard.
Now the entire class seemed confused, and after seeing that they were, Twilight began feeling slightly light-headed and nervous. Cheerilee had obviously put confidence in her ability to handle this, but as the minutes went by, she could feel her own confidence slipping away.
She glanced across the room and was met with mostly blank faces, unsure of what to do next. Feeling the heat and pressure beginning to build even further, Twilight chose to press forward anyway, in hopes that things would just begin to click more effectively as she continued, and started drawing a new diagram to explain the fertilization process.
"Let's just continue onward. As you can see by this diagram," said Twilight, her legs beginning to shake nervously, "this is a sperm and egg cell."
The classroom continued to look at her oddly, with a few whispers being shared inaudibly.
"Isn't it supposed to be grains and ovules?" whispered somepony.
"Shh, don't interrupt the princess of friendship." whispered another.
Twilight continued, rather monotonously. "The male produces the sperm cell, and the female produces the egg cell. When they meet together, they share their genetic material," she continued awkwardly, hoping to see anything but blank and confused faces across the room.
But the class was again silent and confused for several more moments, until Scootaloo spoke up. "Aren't we supposed to do a demonstration? Ms. Cheerilee said she would be doing a demonstration. That's what the permission slips were for."
"A...demonstration?" Twilight replied worriedly.
The rest of the classroom acknowledged this with a dull roar of approval.
"Well..." she replied tentatively as she considered what to do -- and she certainly didn't want to disappoint the students or deviate from Cheerilee's lesson plan. "Um...I suppose I can do something along those lines..."
As she began questioning Cheerilee's teaching methodologies, Twilight surveyed the room for something she could use to demonstrate what she was talking about, locating a small container filled with clay in the corner of the room. Levitating it into the air into the front of the class, Twilight nervously began molding two small, adult figures out of it with her magic, taking care to make them as anatomically correct as possible.
Cringing awkwardly and looking slightly away, Twilight animated the two clay figures with her magic to demonstrate the process she had been trying to convey. One figure was standing normally, whilst the other was propped up onto it from behind, front legs straddling its flank on both sides.
"Like this," Twilight said sheepishly, blushing uncontrollably as she moved the figure behind the other in an undulating motion, her face becoming absolutely flooded with embarrassment.
This time, some of the students actually began to laugh and giggle, while most of the others simply gawked and stared in awe at what they were witnessing.
"Um...Ms. Twilight Sparkle?" said Twist.
"Yes?" she replied, quickly destroying the clay figurines and tossing their remains back into the container.
"Ms. Cheerilee said we were suppothsed to learn about birds and bees...yestherday we learned about flowers..."
"Oh, I see..." Twilight's voice trailed as she began noticing pictures and diagrams strewn about the room depicting various flowers and other outdoor things, including something written at the top of the chalkboard: This Week's Theme: Nature.
"And the permission slips were about any allergies we might have," added Scootaloo. "Ms. Cheerilee brought in a bunch of flowers for a demonstration about pollination," she continued, gesturing towards a large bouquet of them on Cheerilee's desk.
And then Cheerilee's sickness dawned on her. She had all the symptoms of hay fever, and probably got it from collecting all of those flowers.
"Well," Twilight replied nervously, "I guess you all just got a preview of something you'll be learning later on."
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Oh, I did not see that ending coming!
Priceless, just priceless!
Poor Twilight...She always assumes and doesn't always ask what ponies need her to do. If only she had looked at the permission slips!
It was comical it imagine the foals trying to figure out what Twi was talking about and see Twilight getting flustered as she was trying her best to teacha very touchy subject. Well done!
10752967
While it definitely was mainly for the sake of comedy, I'd agree Twilight can be a little too eager to deduce/confirm things. She is a bit of a know-it-all, after all
Oops!
I don't know why, but Twilight's pose in that cover art looks oddly familiar...
;)
10752998
Funnily enough, when I first made my current profile image, it was going to be for this story. This idea has just been on the backburner for a very long time.
Have a fave!
When a mommy and daddy pone lurv each other VERY much... Princess Celestia gets a text message on her crystal ball in the magical Tower of Procreation! She then summons a stork from the Valley of Fertility and has it air drop a cabbage into the bedroom of the couple on a dark and stormy night! The cabbage then extends tentacles and absorbs some material from each pony and FUSES it inside the cabbage head, which then opens up in the morning and a creepy black-eyed baby pone pops out!
Twilight, "He's... not wrong... our world is FUBAR..."
Discord peeks in, "I am NOT responsible for any of it!"
10753023
Very terrifying. Thank you
10753006
Thanks! And yeah, it was definitely peppered with lots more hints than I'd usually let on for a story with a punchline like this, but it was kind of hard not to for this particular one.
10752970
That's what made this story so funny!
Depending on the age of those kids, there are going to be some very awkward conversations with their parents that night.
10753335
"The next morning, there was an insistent knocking on the doors of the Friendship Castle. By the time a groggy Twilight answered the doors, she opened it to find a group of angry parents with Cherilee at the head."
"Princess Twilight...what did you do?!"
10753337
10753335
I did wrack my brain trying to come up with an epilogue of sorts where Ms. Cheerilee stumbles upon the chalkboard or something, but I couldn't think of anything that didn't detract from the existing ending or draw things out longer than necessary.
10753027 I am a student of science. I know these things.
Okay. That was funny.
Hilarious! Have a upvote and a fav!
F in chat. She might be getting some angry letters.
10752970
I knew the twist coming in, but i still f**ing laughed! Excellent buildup!
You seem to like that picture of Twilight.
My guess is Cheerilee was building up to pony sex ed by doing plants first...
Poor Twiggles.
10752964
You're probably the only one.
I suspect most saw the twist a mile off.
10753765
Nope! Twas a surprise for me as well
it was ok
I just can't see someone as well read and nerdy as Twilight not clocking the situation as soon as the words pistil and stamen came up.
10753765
It's partly because I was wondering if Cheerilee was either faking being sick or was playing some kind of joke, so the more obvious answer escaped me as I was reading it.
I do feel kinda stupid now since the twist was obvious and many saw it coming.
10753977
That's definitely the weakest aspect of my story, when it comes to believability. My "excuse" was that she was simply stunned by how off their answers were to what she was expecting (which were schoolyard names for genitals), but even then I agree it was hard to imagine Twilight not making the connection immediately.
Also maybe her morning grogginess played a role too. More excuses. I'm going to add that in, actually.
I caught the joke less than half-way in and while I did chuckle abit, you could of drawn it out a little more with a few risqué jokes to rev up the comedy but still. I did get a chuckle out it so well done. :3
10753721
Our next lesson will be about genetics and traits in pea plants.
I nearly peed myself laughing.
10754012
For sure. It felt like a bit of a battle between believability and comedy to me haha. The less Twilight doesn't realize what's going on, the less believable the story gets
10754446
Well that would be a first for me. And hopefully for you as well? Glad you enjoyed it lol
10754007
I would allow a lot for morning grogginess, give the ridiculous hours they expect students to start school, and Twilight's established night owl tendencies.
I think Spike can agree with the fact that Twilight is such a pervert.
10753023
I didn't need to sleep tonight, so thanks...
The joke is obviously but still very funny, nice work
10756017 When you reach my age and level of insane geniusness, YOU REALIZE SLEEP IS HOW THEY GET YA!! *chugs 47 Red Bulls* THEY CAN'T PUT TENTACLES IN ME AND MAKE PONES IN MY SLEEP NOWS!!!
Oh hey, so this is the cover art people were discussing in the Fimfiction server!
LMAO Twilight is going to get some visits from some angry parents soon.
10757146
Which server and how so?
Well, technically Twilight got the subject material right...
It's the same thing really.
10757224
The official Fimfiction server. Discussing whether it adheres to the rules, and then how it would affect the rating. A screenshot if you're interested.
10758104
I see. The thought did cross my mind, but I didn't feel like it warranted a mature rating just for a depiction of sperm and egg cells. And I mean...it's something literal teenagers would see lol. Especially considering what else people can have for cover art without so much as a second glance.
That last line broke me XD. Well done!
10839928
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed
If this happened to Starlight, I suspect the fanfic would end with her thinking of casting a spell to replace student's memories. 😆
the joke was wrong bird and bees twilight
10850165
True. Very true.
I saw the punchline coming the moment Apple Bloom said pistils, but it was still hilarious
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!