When the ponies at the sleepover found out that there was a changeling among them, they simply knew that the changeling had to be ejected.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 20th Mar, 2021
- offline last seen Jul 12th, 2023
Ika Musume
Hello! Did you uhhhh, bring muffins :)
Ika Musume
Joined 20th Mar, 2021 ·
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It's not laugh-out-loud funny for me, but it was funny in a way that I liked it. You made a few grammar mistakes, but that's beside the point.
8/10. A good story that I really liked, but if your aim was for a laugh-out-loud story, either your aim was short or I'm too challenging a target.
10750372
Thanks! Yeah I was going for the ironic kind of humor where you're just like not necessarily breaking out into laughter but at the same time you're thinking "ooooh how fitting" or "heheh that reminds me of something else funny"
10750375
Score has been raised to 9.5/10. Now all you need to do is fix some grammar mistakes, though that's optional, because there's only a few in this story.
10750386
Thanks, and I think I will fix the grammar mistakes. Originally I didn't really check errors because I thought it added to the air of irony but I can see how that can take away from the overall quality.
Good one for your first story
Though I do think you should add some more suspense in the beginning instead of them coming to such a fast conclusion because I know thinking before you act is a great lesson but it doesn't really bring the story together and it's not that funny after you see that. Or maybe I'm just weird but that's how I feel.
10750372
I agree with this user
I laughed a bit on the inside but it's a bit annoying when they come to such a quick conclusion it's like this
who ate my cupcake?' Said Pinkie Pie. 'Maybe Tank did' Said Rarity. 'Lets throw Tank into time out' Said Pinkie. *Throws tank into time out area* if he didn't do it Rainbow will kill us (He did it)
So it was a 6/10 vote from me.
(I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I'm just trying to help
)
10750476
They were really quick to go to conclusions and the reason for that was because that's usually how it is in Among Us; people just go off of baseless conjecture and are in a rush to eject on the grounds of someone seeming "sus" lol
Lol it's okay it's not rude lol
Humor is hard
All right, so, I finally got around to reading this. In short, the story is not really bad, but it’s not exactly good either.
First and foremost, you open the story with what it’s called an info dump. You just flood the readers with lots of expositioned information about what’s going on and why, and even with the fact that this story is ironic. We shouldn’t be told that Twilight is excited—we should learn that through her actions and dialogue lines. And unless you go for some kind of meta-humour (which is not the case here), you shouldn’t tell us this is ironic. Let the story speak for itself. Also, this:
It’s fine to write a story in a way where you assume that the readers don’t know the show. However, you still have to do this in a natural way (no “Cadence’s baby” in brackets!) and keep it consistent through the whole story. While you rather lengthly introduce us to Twilight’s friends and family, you don’t really care to explain what a changeling is later on in the story. So, do it in the whole story or don’t do it at all.
Now, regarding the biggest issue of this story: its pacing. In case you don’t know, a pace at which a story moves is defined by the amount of information given and also by sentence length. Longer sentences and more information mean slower pace, shorter sentences with less info result in faster pace. The pacing defines how fast the readers read through a part and allows you to affect the realism of some scenes—e.g. if there’s a very emotional, maybe even intimate scene, go for lots of details and longer sentences. If you need a scene to move faster, as in some tense situations or even a snappy banter, you should go for faster pace. However—a big however—too slow pacing will lull your readers to sleep (I’m looking at you, 19th century realism writers), and a story moving at a break-neck pace doesn’t allow the audience to get immersed in the plot and enjoy the scenes.
Your story suffers from the latter. It moves forward so fast that there’s no time to linger on the jokes or to do proper build-up so that the humour is actually funny. For example, you want the readers to believe that the talk about Flurry is a serious argument and want to joke about them arguing about such a silly thing. However, the issue is that from the reader’s viewpoint, the whole argument lasts just a few seconds, which makes the humour fall entirely flat. Both chapters suffer greatly from this. Also, it’d be good to at least add the ‘Anthology’ tag since the second chapter is completely unrelated to the first one.
10750958
Thanks for the advice! I started this fic like the day before April Fools and I wanted it to be done by then so I rushed a lot and missed many crucial components. Next time I write something and I don't have a 1 day deadline, I'll be sure to put your advice into action!
10750436
Yeah I thought it would be a good idea to throw a comedic stab at the "life lessons" component of the show but it might of not come together so well lol
10751576
And ideally never rush your stories, their quality suffers quite greatly most of the time.
Glad to help!
Lol, just yeeting the Princess of Love out the window.
she was sus
yes
because SAY IT WITH ME
SHE WAS SUS