Doofenshmirtz presses otherdimensionator, it malfunctions and takes him to Equestria. 
It’s very funny.
Try not to pee your pants.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 24th Feb, 2021
- offline last seen Jul 10th, 2022
LightningChaser04
☘️ Good day/night, folks!
LightningChaser04
Joined 24th Feb, 2021 ·
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............
I regret to say this... but this was probably a better idea on paper.
For one... please...Change paragraphs when changing speakers.
...you jump between topics and ideas like a pingpong ball that's actually a superball that just happens to be on crack... all in the same paragraph, without fleshing any of them out...
...and... well...
...yeah, a little bit of revising and/or editing probably would've helped...
...it's definitely still a great concept, and I know it's an untapped goldmine. The comments on the other story just makes me believe that... but...
...yeah, this needs work.
The fact that the 'chapter' is so short...
...and you could've gone somewhere with this... gotten into what antics the two of them would get up to... their next greatest scheme...
...or, at least have some fun with them, perhaps brand new best friend style.
But, instead, you just sum it all up anticlimacticly as... "He ate both and then caused some chaos and pranks."
...this had so much potential. But...
...well...
...this was genuinely a modicum better. Some actual improvement. Like how the change in speakers is marked by a change in paragraphs, and how it sticks with a scene/topic for more than three lines...
...but even so, while at least there is improvement from the start of this mess, it's not quite anything epic, or interesting... just a few random pranks and... that's it.
...the only bit that did catch my attention in the slightest was the 'pineapples' bit.
I'm sorry to trash your story like this. I know the concept has a lot of potential, and I know that you put in effort writing this...
But... please... rework things. Put in some more effort. This has potential- I know it does. And I know you can write a good Doofenshmirtz... your one comment proved that.
But this... this just... is not it, man. It's just not it.
You would be wise to take the Anonymous Critics advice. His points are expertly calibrated.
10744768
Sure! I have all day! Thx for the constructive criticism!
10744689
No prob!
10744742
I’m lazy. And read the next chapters. No, I’m not doing BNBF style.
...aaand back to
the future-not changing paragraphs when changing writers... seriously, of all the tips I can give you to follow, this should be the easiest thing to follow! All you have to do is tap enter a couple times when changing speakers in dialogue and... that's it! Literally nothing else to it! This isn't even terrible writing at this point- this is just pure laziness! The issue has already been pointed out to you, and you've already posted a chapter where you did things right, so you know better by now. You're just being lazy at this point. Seriously, straighten up your act? Or is hitting a single button a couple times every so often really that difficult of a task for you?...also, the dialogue itself... probably the only decent point of the story, and the only reason I was banking on this story in the first place. (with how good you wrote a Doofenshmirtz backstory being what convinced me this was such a good idea in the first place...) ...is feeling...
...weak.
Just, weak.
Doof doing little more than asking a few questions...
Discord gives an info dump describing info anyone on this site already knows- and not even in a way that makes it the slightest bit interesting...
...this is just weak...
........
WAIT, THAT WAS THE ENTIRE CHAPTER!?
...
...
...well, that, and a single other paragraph, that's somehow even more info-dumpy...
...you're tearing apart any hope I had left for this. I'm not even regretting criticizing everything anymore. Just...
...
...why?
........
...wait, there was a marvel Crossover? I know it's been a little while since I seen the show, but......anyways...
...Even the backstory just feels weak...
...I'm not a pharmacist! ...why does everyone keep thinking that... I mean, seriously, it's everyone. There's other people that wear labcoat, you know! I'm an evil scientist, but even so, why doesn't anyone ever think I'm a veterinarian, or medic or something? It's always pharmacist! Pharmacist, pharmacist, pharmacist! You know, it gets annoying... perhaps I should make a 'not-a-pharmasist-inator' to make people think I'm not a pharmacist......it's bits like this that remind me of the life I once seen in this concept... they're just crumbs now... crumbs of life... I don't know if them being there, or not, is the more depressing reality...
...at least if they weren't there, I wouldn't be reminded of what could've been...
...and that random fourth wall break thing by a random, irrelevant character is both irrelevant, and honestly not really funny...
...it's just there. Trying to be funny. Trying to tap into the gold mine that 'random' humor can be... but all it's hitting is stone. Not even a glint of yellow to be seen.
...ah yes, what is simultaneously an advert and a dead end... that is exactly what I was hoping for when pressing the 'next chapter' button.
10746826
Its overly complicated, I know. Just your typical scheme!
I love the concept of this story! And the dialogue is fairly decent. I do agree with A.C. on some of his points. Paragraph spacing and making sure to separate the speaking characters to avoid their dialogue getting mixed up would make this story flow better, as well as filling in some gaps and details that could make this tale exponentially more intriguing to read.
If you'd like, I can always take a shot at offering some helpful revisions....I can even proofread and do some editing if you don't feel up to doing all the writing work, or what might be better, you can probably find a proofreader/editor in one of the fimfiction groups. Just go to "Groups" and search it.
Excellent story keep up the good work and I give this story a 10 out of 20
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