Despair

by YourUncleFuncle

The Chains

As Fluttershy filled up her mug for at least the third time, maybe fourth, and went to sit at her table, the weight of her hooves grew with every step. She sat down slouched in one of the chairs that were set up there and let her hooves fall with the invisible ball and chain hanging below.

She decided to do her new favorite activity: watching the dust particles go by in the air and trying to count them all. Every day she counted more and more around her cottage because of the failure of the pegasus to clean.

"Failure" was a word that she associated herself with a lot now. Failure as a caretaker, failure as a friend, and failure to live a life that was above pitiful and disgusting, but she didn't even notice anymore.

Every second she remained in her prison cell felt like hours, and she kept counting each of them down, wondering when she could break free and see the light of the day again, but it seemed impossible at the moment.

She took a sip of her black coffee and thought it was much too bitter, but despite her feeling toward it, it was the only thing that gave her the energy to get up in the morning and pretend like she wasn't suffering, even if it made her hallucinations worse.

She took another sip and glanced around her kitchen, even though she already knew what her puffy red eyes would hover over. A few dirty spoons, forks, some very sharp knives whose blades made her stare linger, a plate, and a few mugs. She hadn't done the dishes since the last time somepony cared to visit, which had been a few days. She hadn't done much at all for the last few days.

She took another cringed sip of her coffee and felt her energy return slightly, but it was only a small comfort for her. She would still feel exhausted and worn down by the heavy chains, but it would just be a little easier. There were times when she felt so exhausted and weighed down that all she could do was stay in bed and cry, and that was if Celestia even granted her this sweet comfort.

Her eyes fell upon the window next to her door, covered by a set of purple curtains. She couldn't handle it, it would make her sick. The world outside moved so quickly that the inside was her only comfort, where time seemed to move at a snail's pace in contrast. She would take slow and miserable over fast and bright any day or night.

She was so deep in thought that she didn't realize her limbs becoming weak from the chains, and she dropped her mug on the floor, making it break and spilling all of its contents. Fluttershy just moved over to the sink to wet a rag robotically, showing no emotion or care. She got back and cleaned up the brown pool that she had created, going slowly and surely to make sure she cleaned it all up.

With that done, she moved to clean up the pieces of the mug. She went and got a nearby dustpan, and just used her wing to sweep up the pieces. She squealed a little bit when a sharp pain radiated through her limb, and upon inspection, she could see a small bit of blood coming out of the cut she had accidentally made and dripping on her feathers. After the initial shock, however, she just simply sat back at the table, not bothering to get another cup of coffee or even to clean up her cut.

The stinging was numbed by the pain she felt all around her body, especially her eyes that felt like thousand-pound weights even though she had just gone through multiple, who knows how many cups of coffee.

Suddenly she froze in fright when she turned and saw a big scary stallion lurking in the shadowed corner by her fireplace. She screamed, but she made no sound. She panicked, but she made no movement. A few seconds of paralysis passed before she got up from her chair which was knocked over as she prepared to take off, but she looked again and couldn't see any other pony. The hulking body she had seen seemed to disappear. The minutes ticked by before she felt it was safe again to pick up her chair and sit back down.

The pegasus figured it was for the best. Flying was 80% psychological, of course, it was also about skill, but pegasi also have to be confident and happy in order to fly even more successfully, and because of that, Fluttershy hadn't flown in weeks. She forgot the feeling of being free of her chains long ago.

She shook her head, still feeling the sting of fear coursing through her until it returned to dullness once more. Something sparkling caught her eye, and she turned toward a set of silk fiber she had leftover from one of her friend's visits. She had laid them out because there was something that fascinated her about the beautiful material as if it was the only thing that could comfort her, like a safe haven that she couldn't explain

It wasn't the beauty at first, just the esthetic. Most ponies assume silk is incredibly weak and fragile, but what Fluttershy found interesting was that it could hold a lot of weight if needed, possibly even a pony. Then she found herself wondering which color looked best, but she tried to steer herself away from the question. She knew if she picked a color she was too far gone, unable to be brought back, even if it would finally release the chains for her.

Sighing, she got up, picked up one of the dirty mugs, and filled her mug for the fifth time, maybe sixth, and went to sit at the table, the weight of her heart growing with every minute.

Author's Note:

Oh boy...this is my attempt to depict depression. I hope I did a good job. There's a lot of symbolism which I'm happy to explain, so please don't be afraid to ask me. And before anypony asks, please don't worry about me, I am not depressed, I just thought it would be interesting to try to write it. Thanks for reading!

Comments

[HiddenEntity]

I'd hate to say it, but I think I'm heading for this very quickly...

Good story though.

[YourUncleFuncle]

10719757
...please don't . I hope you don't fall into this, but I appreciate the compliment! Have a good day/night!

[Starlight Nova]

Why isn't there a tragedy tag?

[YourUncleFuncle]

10719869
Oh dang, forgot about that. There is now, thank you!

[FallBlau]

Oh boy, well, this hits really close to home. Poor Fluttershy. I think it would be a nice add-on to this story, if you so chose, to have on of her friends help her in someway - maybe Rainbow or Pinkie. But there is no "Easy way out" for depression and I think this short little story captures that perfectly. Well done. :)

[Natedogg2006]

10719757
Hey man, the internet can be a great place. Lots of people on here I'm sure would like to talk if you need it.

[Natedogg2006]

Alright I promised an honest review for you. Do keep in mind this isn't my genre either, so take my word with that in mind. Cons to start: it was a little over dramatic and some of the ideas were a little on the nose. Honestly this could easily be fixed if you had decided to make the story a little longer though, it was good for the space it was done in. Pros though, you don't need to explain any of your imagery because that aspect of it was on point. The mood and environment work well with what I think you were trying to go for. Honestly the only thing really wrong with this story is that there should have been more of it.
I still do like your other work more though good job overall.

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

I'll be doing a dramatic reading of this fic shortly in the future :)

[YourUncleFuncle]

10720085
I may do a sequel, but this story will remain complete. I'm really glad you thought my interpretation was good though. I have never had depression, but I wanted to grasp the essence of nothingness and the almost impossible-to-escape side of the disorder, so I'm really happy you thought my story did that. Thank you so much for reading and the nice review.

10720227
Yeah, I understand it feeling really dramatic. I really didn't want it to be too long because it would have dragged on and become boring. I may do a sequel of recovery that will be around the same length, but I don't want to add on to this one really. The most important aspect of this story was the imagery, and even if people didn't get the subtle hints in the deeper level, I had hoped to paint a dreary and depressing atmosphere of nothing that was the surface level, and I'm happy you thought it was on point. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it's honestly not my genre either, but it was a nice change.

10720509
Oh, wow, I don't know what to say except thank you! Please send me a link when you're done.

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

I've recorded it for my youtube channel, The editing will be done within a week. Got a couple of fic queued before this one.

[Flora Blossom]

Wow. This fiction is pretty much perfection. Likes stories like these! It brings out the character a lot.