Post Mortem

by Whirl Hoof

Après La Mort

Twilight Sparkle pawed at her face for a moment, trying to wash away the corpse-look. The incessant knocking at her door was ever more annoying by the echoes; living in a palace was not helpful for a decent sleep. Rolling off the bed in a manner resembling a slug, she did her best to walk even remotely normally.

She couldn't care less about being 'presentable'; whatever madpony decided to wake her at four in the morning obviously needed something urgently, and pleasantries could wait. Which was good, since she didn't have many to give out.

Twilight heaved her body down the absurdly complex hallways, which she was fairly sure would be impossible for Discord to navigate. Stopping at the door and telling herself many times over to "be nice, be nice, be nice", she finally thrust open the portal to the sight of-

-Rainbow Dash, with a mix of sheepish and upset on her face.

The pegasus' ears folded down. "Uh, hey Twi. So I'm sorry for-"

"For showing up at my home at, and I cannot make this clear enough, four in the bucking morning?" Twilight had zero patience for anypony who interrupted her sleep, let alone the mare whose most common complaint was "why don't you have the new edition yet?!".

"Yeah, that. But it's just... something has been messing with me for the past couple'a weeks, and I feel like you're the only pony I can ask about it."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Is this about whether you like mares again? Rainbow, I already said that it's fine and normal-"

Even in the dark, she could see Rainbow's cheeks reddening. "Nononono! It's a personal thing, but not that kinda personal. It's more, uh..." And here, her ears drooped even further, her wings losing all their luster. "It's something that's got me scared, Twi."

Twilight's annoyance diminished slightly, her expression going from a murderous glare to a hateful one. "And you're certain it doesn't involve what kind of pony you like? Because the map could call at any point now."

Rainbow sputtered. "Yes, I'm sure! It's uh.. philosophical, I think? Yeah."

As much as Twilight would've loved to simply slam the door and return to blissful dreams, she knew that Rainbow would only come back every single night thereafter and keep trying. She had experience.

Sighing, she backed from the door and flicked on the lights for the entrance and closest living room. "Come on, then." Rainbow, rather than her usual method of divebombing into a building, slowly walked inside.

Twilight almost considered waking Spike to prepare coffee, until she considered that she'd empty a pot by the time he brewed a single mug. That, and he didn't need to suffer dealing with Rainbow at four in the morning. Instead, she gruffly nodded toward a couch in the nearest living room, heading toward the kitchen herself. As Rainbow stuck her flank into those innocent cushions, Twilight decided to expedite the coffee process and just magic the heavenly potion together with probably-hot-enough water, making a liquid roughly approximating something that one could drink.

Bringing a few pots into the room and a single mug for Rainbow, Twilight sat herself down on the opposite sofa and set the mug before Rainbow, gently. She certainly did not put a tiny dent in the exquisitely crafted table from lack of bucks to give, no she did not.

The prismatic mare gratefully picked up the mug, took a sip, made a screwy face, and set it back down. "Twi, this is water mixed with raw rice, not coffee beans. How'd you even-"

Two pots gone, three left to go.

The princess made unflinching eye contact with Rainbow as she began downing another. "Yes?"

Rainbow decided better. "Uh, nevermind. Keep enjoying the hot rice water. Why do you have rice, actually?"

Twilight set the fourth empty pot down, and kept a completely neutral face. "Dash, you wanted something, I'm awake, talk. The contents of my pantry aren't crucial."

Rainbow shuffled a bit on the couch, laying on her side and allowing her wings to drape lazily across. "It's, well... I was thinking about Equestria, Terra, you, me, our friends... everything, really."

At this, Twilight raised an eyebrow a quarter of a millimeter. "As in, mid-life crisis? But you're only twenty seven. Bit early, ya think?"

"It's not really that, it's more uh... existestensi- existencely- exi-"

"Existential crisis?"

"Y-yeah, that. The scary kind of thinking."

Twilight sat up straighter, going from inhaling the hot rice water to simply chugging it. "Well, I know it can be scary, but why couldn't it wait until tomorrow? When I would be awake and in a good mood?"

Rainbow apparently didn't have a real answer for her, because she blushed again and rubbed at her neck. "I mean, I'm here now..?"

Twilight decided to take out her 'frustration' on the pot handle instead of her friend-pending, snapping the handle in twain. Dang it, there goes thirty bits.

"Just- so, what were you thinking about? What's the problem?"

Rainbow again let her body droop, losing just a twinkle of energy and spark in her eyes. "About when we die."

The silence of the early morning went from neutral to painful.

Taking a moment to collect herself after that particular response, Twilight asked, "As in..?"

"Like... when we're all gone. Not just you and me and the girls either. Like, everything on the world."

Twilight struggled to sit up straight and attentive, still plowing through drowsiness. "Could you elaborate?"

"As in, if everypony- err, everything on Terra went poof, and everything we made- every living creature, every song, every painting, every atrocity, every miracle, even beings like Celestia and Discord... what would really change?"

The princess had to blink a few times. "Excuse me?"

Rainbow moved from her laying to a reclined sitting position, fidgeting around. "What would the universe care, really? The Sun, the Moon, other stars and space and stuff. If everything that ponykind and dragonkind and zebrakind and all that just vanished, all we've ever made and shared, it wouldn't affect the rest of everything at all. Zilch."

Twilight sighed and dearly wished for actual coffee right now. She'd dealt with this before, though not from Dash.

"If we all disappeared or... you know, what would change about space? Really, what would happen?"

Twilight was honest. "Nothing. Nothing would change. It's true that, in the grand scheme of the Universe and reality, all of Terra isn't really even a blip. Not a microbe."

"Yeah. And that doesn't bother you? Knowing that, in the end, none of our adventures matter? Stopping Nightmare Moon and the Legion and Sombra, or building the School of Friendship, or discovering that mirror world, or even us all meeting each other... it doesn't scare you, knowing that even if it'd never happened, everything else would be the same?" Rainbow fluttered her wings, casting her gaze down at the floor. "That space doesn't care about life, and we could be snuffed out without any real problems?"

Twilight cracked her back, stretched, and thought carefully. She knew all this was technically true, and lying wouldn't get her friend anywhere. But she also wasn't sure exactly how to address it. Rainbow would know immediately if she tried just comforting her without any real answer- she wasn't an academic, but she was sharp. So what-

"And I thought about myself dying, too."

Oh, Celestia.

Twilight laid down on her stomach, trying to meet with Rainbow's eyes. "Dash, if you're considering hurting yourself-"

The reaction was immediate. The rainbow mare jolted up, wings splayed and sputtering madly. "Nononono, I don't mean that! No way! I just mean I was thinking about when I died, like, the future! Not doing anything to myself. Please trust me, Twi."

The princess cautiously let her heart go back to normal. "I didn't really think so, you just worded it very strangely."

"No, absolutely not. I would never do that to you guys and Scoots and Gilda and just- everypony, okay?"

Twilight decided to drop that, at least for tonight; she was exhausted enough as is. "So what exactly did you mean?"

"I meant what'll happen to me when I'm gone. Not my body, or my legacy or stuff; I'm pretty confident I've left a good impression on ponies in general, and I think I've done good. At least, I hope so."

Twilight smiled and scooted closer, levitating a pair of small blankets to her and Rainbow each. "I would say so. You'd be hard pressed to be forgotten anytime soon, Dash. And for very good reasons."

Rainbow gained back just a tad of her vigor. "Thanks, Twi. I'm more worried about my thinking parts. About what'll happen to my soul and mind and... self, if that makes sense?"

"Your consciousness."

"That, yeah. I'm scared that, when I die, I'll just... stop being. Not going to an afterlife or reincarnating or becoming one with Discord's flank or whatever, but just... unexisting. It's hard to describe, really."

"No, I understand. You're concerned that when you pass away, you'll simply stop experiencing things. No thoughts, no senses, not even being aware of yourself. Is that right?"

"Yeah." Rainbow huddled the blanket to herself, eyes watering. "It's got me really messed up, for a few days now. And I was hoping you'd have some answers to those, 'cause you're smart, way smarter than me, and I'm sure you don't need to worry about it."

Twilight chuckled. "Well, contrary to your belief Dash, I have experienced those thoughts before. Both of them. And I've worried just as much as you. In fact, I'd be surprised if most ponies don't think about it at least once in their lives."

Rainbow sat up straighter, grinning at her friend. "So you know what to do, right? How I can stop being weird and just think normally?"

Here comes the hard part. "Dash, I have no experience in psychology or philosophy, so I'm hardly the most qualified to help. I appreciate you came to me- though maybe not at this time of night- but you should really seek professional help. And before you say anything, it doesn't make you weak. Lots of ponies see therapists for much worse issues, you aren't weird or an outcast for it."

The rainbow mare shut her mouth with Twilight's preemptive response.

"That said, I have thought about these before, and I can tell you what helped me with them. I can't guarantee, however, that they'll solve your worries, because this is ultimately up to the pony to answer for themselves. Understand?"

Rainbow nodded.

"Well, the first one is easy, at least for me. it's true that in the face of reality, Terra doesn't mean much. But does that matter?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, does it matter that the universe doesn't care? Because I care. You care. Does it matter whether a zebra halfway across Terra doesn't know you exist? Does that stop you from doing aerial stunts or taking Scootaloo to Wonderbolts shows or stopping villains with us?"

"Well, no, I guess it doesn't."

"And there you go. What we experience is real, Dash, and that's all that matters. Maybe the Universe doesn't care about us, but I care about you girls. I care about Spike, and Tempest, and Starlight, and everypony else. And that love is real. When you eat a great meal, or hug a loved one, that is undeniable proof you're here. And that's all there is to it. You're here now, Dash. And you're alive. And I think that's enough reason to not give a buck about what distant, thousand-year old stars think, don't you?"

Rainbow puffed out her chest and hovered up in the air, energy flowing through her body and fire back in her gaze. "Yeah, it is! I'm sitting right here with you at four in the morning,"- Twilight snorted -"and that's true no matter what space thinks!"

Waiting until Rainbow sat back down, Twilight took a deep breath. "Now the second is... difficult. Not because I haven't thought about it, but because, and I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but because there isn't really an answer. We don't know what happens to our self when we die. I don't know, Celestia doesn't, Luna doesn't, even Discord doesn't."

Rainbow's jaw slacked. "Really?"

"Yes. There are of course different religions, most obviously the Solarians, Children of the Night, Acolytes of Chaos, Discplies of Grogar, and Shadowlings, that all teach differently about what they believe happens to our self. Afterlives or reincarnation or becoming one with a wordly force- they all seek to answer this. And all of these groups- at least, I hope- have good intentions; most religions don't deliberately try to scare or indoctrinate you, they genuinely believe what they say and want to help other creatures."

Twilight continued. "But ultimately, even the most zealous and devoted priest or missionary doesn't really know what happens when we die, because they're still alive. Some will lie and say they're certain, but they aren't. Nopony knows except those that die, and they can't exactly come back to tell us."

"But what about-"

"Yes, I know about necromancy and black magic. That involves stuffing random energy into a corpse or vessel. It's not true resurrection, it's more like inflating a balloon with water instead of air like it's supposed to be. So even if those... things could speak, they wouldn't know the answer."

Rainbow went back to staring at the floor, face blank. "So that's it?"

"It is. The most certain and true answer I can give you is no answer. You can ask all different ponies, but they'll tell you what they believe, not what's factual. And they're not doing it on purpose; they're just looking for answers like you. We're all looking for that answer, I think. Even Discord worries, I'm sure."

Rainbow snorted. "Discord worried about dying. There's a story in the making, huh?"

Twilight chuckled half-heartedly. "But, all that said.. I do have my own personal way of feeling better about it."

Rainbow shot her look back up.

"I don't know what happens, but I think like this: even though I'll die, and it's scary, I know that I'll leave a world behind with ponies who'll know about me. That's not narcissistic, it's just fact. Spike and you girls and my family- I'm not living in a void, where everything about me simply vanishes when I pass away. Spike will live his own life. He'll grow up, hopefully meet somecreature he loves, do something he has a passion for, and make his mark on the world. Whether I'm alive for it or not."

"That sounds kind of..." Rainbow shuffled around on the cushion.

"Morbid? Yes. Pessimistic? Not really. I still live here and now. I want to live my life, and dying eventually doesn't make the now pointless. It just means I need to do everything I want while I can. And even if I'm no longer aware once I'm gone, everypony else will be. They'll remember me, maybe for good reasons, maybe not. All I can do is try for the former."

Rainbow's brow creased. "But... I said earlier that I'm not worried about being remembered. I'm worried about what'll happen to me."

Twilight weakly shrugged. "That's my viewpoint. I'm sorry if it isn't very helpful, but I said it's very specific to a pony. What works for me might not for you. And it likely won't disappear in a single night. But that's like any problem, really; you just have to work at it."

Twilight shuffled next to her friend and hugged her with a wing. "And you're the best pony I know for plowing through a problem without giving up."

Rainbow reciprocated the hug, the barest of tears in her eyes. "I could say the same about you, Twi. How do you deal with this so easily?"

"I don't. Do you remember the 'Want It, Need It' incident? I definitely have my own moments."

Rainbow sniggered, then stood up from the sofa. "Yeah, ya do. Thanks for helping me much as you can, Twi. It's cool to know I'm not the only one thinking like this, at least."

Twilight stood up as well, then lightly batted Rainbow upside the head with a wing. "Yes, and next time, please wait until I'm awake for it. Or I might give you advice on proper kissing procedure for you and-"

Rainbow hurriedly hovered to the door. "Ow, okay, okay! I get it, no more nighttime therapy stuff! See ya."

Closing the door after her friend, Twilight slouched down and wearily made for her bedroom. The full weight of the late session was weighing down, but she was just glad to now get back to-

"Twilight, I had that nightmare again!"

The Princess of Friendship and Element of Magic began preparing five pots of coffee proper.

"Motherbucker."

Author's Note:

Inspired partly by some serious thoughts I had a while ago. Just your everyday existential crises, no biggie.

Also, I'm back! And I've only been gone for... two years? Geez. Well, y'all might be glad to know I'll try to actually do stuff now. No promises though.

Comments

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg

[Charlie_K]

I think you covered the subject way better in this story, than I did in my own.

[Aldon]

Very interesting take on...pondering about the end of life (for a moment I though they were gonna talk about the death of someone hehe)

Glad you are back on this crazy site hehehehe

[EASTON]

Good story, though I usually avoid these subjects for the same reason RD had for the visit.

That being said, due to the topics of death and mentions of self harm, I recommend adding those tags and changing the rating to T as per site regulations.

[Whirl Hoof]

10840524

I figured keeping discussion of it very vague would maybe keep it E, but I'll take your advice.

[Greatazuredragon]

"It's, well... I was thinking about Equestria, Terra, you, me, our friends... everything, really."

The asnwer is 42.

"Well, the first one is easy, at least for me. it's true that in the face of reality, Terra doesn't mean much. But does that matter?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, does it matter that the universe doesn't care? Because I care.

Nice little story, good work.

[Whirl Hoof]

10841043

Thank you! I'm glad a 2-year inexperience got good reception.

[Dumium]

I'm worried about what'll happen to me.

Fair warning: proceed with caution, personal existential opinion ahead. And as Twilight said, as all others, I have no factual knowledge whatsoever; I'm merely taking my best guess on the matter (which is, to put it crudely, a bunch of nonsense, tbh).

To "answer" this question, I take inspiration from the time before we were born. Like, it's the the only time we "experienced" not existing, you know? While I still think the best answer still is no answer, it is interesting to wonder about it. And whenever you wonder about nonexistence, you eventually reach the subject of what "true nothingness" means, implies and is like, and how come that we could have been nothing — just "pure" nothing — then became something, especially something self-aware. Then the next question follows: how come we "became" aware as the person we are now, and not, let's say, John from across the street, or any other individual.

But I digress, and I apologize for the slight slippery slope.

So, uh... yeah. Maybe when we die we return to that exact state we had "been" in before we were born. And maybe, mayyybe every time the universe resets, we become aware as someone else (some weird form of reincarnation this is, lol) — waiting for it wouldn't be a problem (during nonexistence) because time doesn't (shouldn't) apply then, as we didn't feel those 13 billion years pass before we were born for instance.

I guess all my ramblings still come down to a non-answer, eh? Perhaps the better way to deal with this kind of questions is not through seeking definite answers, but relish in the mystery this whole existence is and giving your own personal meaning to this enigma.

Umm....

I can give a hug if you want to .

[Whirl Hoof]

10841049

That entire comment is roughly what my mind was like when writing this.

[Dumium]

10841054

I feel you, buddy; quite the ride this whole existential thinking and pondering is. And—

*Gasp*

How come I have forgotten to tell you I liked this story really much?

Welp, better late than never.

Thank you for writing this insightful and intriguing story. I can't help but say I enjoyed it greatly.

[Ergoan]

i don't believe twilight on discord not knowing what happens when you die.

[AkumaKami64]

10841332
I believe she believes that. But yeah, I doubt Discord doesn't know something on that.

[The Weaver]

"Yeah. And that doesn't bother you? Knowing that, in the end, none of our adventures matter? Stopping Nightmare Moon and the Legion and Sombra, or building the School of Friendship, or discovering that mirror world, or even us all meeting each other... it doesn't scare you, knowing that even if it'd never happened, everything else would be the same?" Rainbow fluttered her wings, casting her gaze down at the floor. "That space doesn't care about life, and we could be snuffed out without any real problems?"

Nope! I'm insignificant. so are you. you don't matter, I don't matter; the people reading this don't matter...

Go on with your life. I know I do!

[Starfreedom444]

This story depressed me. Do so many really believe that nothing matters? That all the great works that we have done, all the great minds of philosophy and science don't matter? nihilism will hunt on generation more then any other.

[The Weaver]

Star (previous poster) brings up a good point (though i won't quote him/her to spare feelings. The rest of you? You're reading comments; if you're internet literate you should know better if your feelings are so easily damaged. Way back when it was taught in school.)

At what point does "accepting mortality" become "nihilism"? Do people really need to think they are immortal to be able to just get up? Do people truly need to lie to themselves that what they do will matter for all enternity? People have called this story depressing... why? Teen? Dark? Why would this story even need such tags?

To me mortality is a universal truth; we are going to die. Our vary thoughts, ideas and concepts we leave for the next generations will die. Even our planet will die. Our sun is burning hydro and when it starts running out it'll get bigger (counter intuitive i know, but science says so) and will swallow the earth. That info? Will likely not ever matter. The scientist might be so happy that he discovered something that humanity might never need to know as its billions or trillions years from now; humanity might not live another century. I'm glad he can live.

Yet it disturbs me that something so universal as mortality would cause people to just stop trying to live. If we are truly so fragile then i guess animals truly are superior to us in all but intelligence.

And why does Twilight immediately assume that Dash wanted to kill herself? If i walked into a pony building and told them "you are going to grow old and die" would they just start slitting their throats en mass? Are they truly that weak? Does life have no value?

which brings one last question; if something doesn't matter is it worthless? I think not, but what do i know...

[Fernie Canto]

How uncanny that this is one of the first stories to show up to me as I come to this place.

Back in 2018, I was going through some pretty heavy emotional experiences. One night, I had a sudden flash of a thought: I could die at any moment and no one would know. This feeling haunted me through the week and resulted in an anxiety crisis, which is when I searched for a professional therapist, who's been treating me since then.

In other words, I went almost exactly what Rainbow went through here--and possibly similar to what the author themselves went through, judging by the author's notes. Except, of course, I didn't have a Twilight Sparkle to talk to in person. I had some online friends whom I talked to (perhaps incessantly for the following days), and it took many months for me to heal up my psyche, and understand that this crisis was also tied up to several bottled up feelings and memories. The thought of mortality was just the final block that sent the whole Jenga tower into collapse.

I shared all this to contextualise my opinion: this story is not depressing, it's not nihilistic. Far from that. The thoughts shared by Twilight are very much a Secular Humanist (or Ponyist?) stance on life and death, and they're the closest thing to a fully rational approach to seeing life as a meaningful thing before the Universe's indifference. The message is the opposite of "nothing matters", and if you get that impression, give the story a considerate second reading. It's not pessimistic.

I thought some elements in the story were a wee bit, teensy-weensy heavy-handed, like the jokes with Rainbow's affective preference and Twilight's fury at being awaken. The way Twilight reacted to the "potential self-harm" was a bit out of left field, but, all things considered, it's better to err one the side of caution on such matters. But ultimately, I would think MLP fanfic wasn't quite the best vehicle for discussing existential dread, but the story did a good job with it. It was clearly written with a lot of heart in it, and it does feel like the author is speaking from a personal place. This isn't just a string of sterile truisms and banal catchphrases.

It's a good, heartfelt story. Some of the humour didn't quite land for me, but it didn't distract either. I'm glad I read it (and the fact that it didn't send me into an anxiety crisis means my mental health is pretty balanced after all!).

[Whirl Hoof]

10842538

This is exactly the sort of comment I was hoping to see. Thank you for being so detailed and earnest with it.

I agree the "jokes" are likely overblown and forced; I have a bad habit of trying to hard with humor that isn't very clever. But I did feel some levity was necessary to establish this as a worry of a person with emotions, not some clinical essay on the "true" meaning of life or that sort.

And it was written from personal experience, even as I was in the middle of writing it, though not to the extent you've experienced. I do find it funny that this was one of the first fics you saw, considering its limited tags and attention, but I'm glad you could relate to and understand it as more than the depressive angstfest I worried it would be.

Again, thank you for commenting with something genuine and seeing the point of the story more closely to what I intended. It's nice to see someone really getting to the meat of what I wrote.

[Flora Blossom]

My Little review & Feedback I did your review

[Crimson Eon]

these are the kind of stories that helped me process these thoughts, having nobody to turn to at a young age, and I'm so glad to see one now
this was a nice reflection on that. thanks for the horse-words