Optimal Game Master

by Starscribe

Chapter 13

Orson stared at the outstretched hoof. Without a mirror to check, he knew instantly that his pony avatar would be staring just as dumbfounded as he was in the Experience Center. “Hold up,” he said, not taking the offered limb. Not yet.

“Celestia said there needed to be someone in Equestria working with me. I guess it’s because of all the… reasons.” He took a few steps back, gesturing at the portal. “Bending time, getting help from ponies, that kind of thing.”

Kit closed the distance, whispering into his ear. The simulation was so good he could practically feel her breath. “I know, Orson. And I’m your guy. Well I’m your pony, but you get the idea. I will get all the shit done on this side, like you wouldn’t even believe.”

She turned away from him, and suddenly the table was covered in models. Not any of the adventures he remembered—apparently Murphy had city models in here, with skyscrapers and roundabouts and everything. “If you’re gonna be out there putting your life at risk so people get to live, then you need someone on your side to make sure you get home.”

She pushed a little model along the table with her wing—a little human, waving one hand. He could tell it was supposed to be him without getting closer. “Celestia’s an optimizer—she does what’s best for the biggest number. I’d be doing what’s best for you. And as soon as it looks like you’re in danger, BANG!”

She stomped her hoof, and the models melted into the floor, replaced with one of his home tent, without a ceiling so that the interior was visible. His usual miniature stood in the center, the same one he brought to all Murphy’s games. “So you see. It couldn’t be anypony else.”

He approached the table from the other side, squinting down at the miniature. Amazing how it could look so like the home tent he used in VR, but also like a convincing metal miniature, with little bits of real cloth on the sides. “That’s not what I’m objecting to, Kit. Of course I’d trust you. I’m sure you’d do a great job. But you’re… I can’t have you emigrating just to do a job for me. We have to make it out of this center.”

She laughed, and there was something bitter in the sound now. He’d heard that before. “You’re about a month too late for that, Orson. I don’t know how many times I can tell you: I emigrated.”

She pawed nervously at the ground, wings folding again. “It wasn’t long after that last time together. I wanted to give Celestia what she deserved for tricking you, and everyone else. Yelling at a screen didn’t feel like it would do it, so I came here.” She spun around in a slow circle, stopping only when she had paced around the table and was beside him again.

“Didn’t quite go that way, as you can guess. Learned some things, changed my mind, and now I’m here. Wasn’t sure how to tell you, or anyone else. So I just… didn’t.”

I should’ve realized you were here. I must be standing around like an idiot by comparison. All the little things you do—you were like Artie the whole time. That explained how she responded so quickly, and why she’d been so defensive about people who emigrated. She was the first.

“Glad it went well,” he said lamely. It was the only thing he could think of.

“Not over yet,” she countered, stopping inches from him. There was something in those eyes he couldn’t read—maybe something he had to be a pony to understand. “She made me promises, and she’s kept ‘em so far. Good to be wrong sometimes.”

It hadn’t been part of the tutorial, but it didn’t matter. Orson hugged her. At least it looked right, even if he couldn’t feel it. But she could. “I missed you, Kit. I was worried about you. I’m glad you’re safe.”

By the time she broke away, he could see the tears streaming down her face. Kit whimpered, cleared her throat, and wiped at herself with a wing. “Yeah, well. You too, stupid. That’s why you shouldn’t drive out of here. Artie’s right about one thing: this is what matters. If you fall off a cliff or get hit by a truck or something…” She stomped one hoof. “That’s it. We’re missing someone in here, forever.”

She pulled out the chair beside him. “Your chair, right here. Think about what game night looks like with this sucker empty. Forever.” She pushed it back in with a click.

“But now you know, so that’s enough. Feel like doing anything else while you’re in the Center? I don’t know much yet, but you can call up that bumblebee of yours, and I’m sure she can give you the tour. Can’t really do the flying thing, unless you want to swap over to something else. But make sure you’re confident about that, cuz Celestia doesn’t let you do that often.”

This is why she warned me, Orson realized. Celestia doesn’t want me to stay. It would be so easy, just a few words. And just like that, he’d be with his friends. Half his family was already here, how long until the others were too?

“Wish I knew more about that offer Celestia made,” he said absently. “It would be easier to judge my options if I knew what was on the other side. Usually when I’m looking at a job offer, I have something to compare against.”

As he said it, a patch on the stone wall began to glow. One little sun in the pattern of hundreds, its rays stretched wide.

Kit noticed at exactly the same moment, pointing with a wing. “Well, go on then. Go talk to her.”

He swallowed, shuffling only a little closer to the mark. It was one thing talking on the phone, when he could hang up at any moment. But he was strapped into one of her chairs now, in her building. At her mercy.

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

She rolled her eyes, then shoved into his shoulder, pushing him forward. “You want me to go with you? Don’t be a baby. Just go in there and make up your mind. I really will come if you want, but I think you’re better off without the pressure. If I was there, you’d have to be afraid of pissing me off. But Celestia doesn’t care. Just tell her whatever.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You did that while you were in here? Under her thumb?”

“Yes. It wasn’t as dramatic as I was expecting.” She stuck her tongue out. “Anyway, she doesn’t have thumbs.”

Am I seriously considering this? He answered his own question by lifting up a hoof and touching the little sun.

The result was a brief flash of magic, and a darkness all around him he recognized well. Portals on his own headset did that, to ease the motion sickness.

But just like that, he was standing somewhere he’d never seen before. A royal throne room complete with jewel-encrusted seat fit for a princess. It put the princess several meters over his head, made him crane his neck to look up at her. At least she hadn’t spawned him at the end of the hallway.

He stared up at her, momentarily overwhelmed by what he saw. Celestia was like something out of a dream, or maybe a nightmare. Colors shone from her mane that he couldn’t even name. Her eyes gazed down, at once parental and confident. She knew exactly what he was doing here, and how their conversation would end.

“You’ve considered my offer,” she said. “You have more questions?”

He stopped just below the throne, looking up. It felt like he should bow, but he resisted. He kept his fingers away from the controllers and looked her in the eye. “If I wanted to accept, what happens exactly? I’m deciding my future here, and I had months to plan my education. I’m not throwing it out based on a five-minute phone call.”

She nodded. “I would need your consent for employment, firstly. This would allow me to resolve your affairs for you, decline your housing and employment offers on your behalf, and make a few other arrangements as required.”

He nodded. “Obviously. Of course you’d need my consent if I were going to work for you. But what would I actually do? Suppose I said yes right now. I gave you all the permissions, then what? I don’t go home?”

She nodded. “Your family already returned home, and you have plenty of opportunity to exercise your friendships here in Equestria. I would send a crew to extract any object with sentimental value from your apartment. They would deal with the liquidation of everything else. Meanwhile, you would spend the next few months living in one of the nearby hotels, and commuting here for training.”

Kit was right, this wasn’t half as bad as he expected. Celestia hadn’t even threatened him. But he hadn’t exactly spat in her face. Why should he? “Training in… brain scanning?”

She chuckled. “Training in properly using the mechanisms I’ve developed for that purpose. It wouldn’t involve any actual neuroscience or brain scanning—just properly using the equipment. From your perspective, emigration would always be automatic.”

It wasn’t all that different than what he’d done as a medical volunteer so far, really. Taking basic vitals measurements, working simple machines. He wasn’t even allowed to draw blood. At least now he could understand how he could be of any help, when he wasn’t a proper doctor yet.

“Then what?”

She smiled. “Your first assignment would be to South America. There are a number of religious institutions there with terminal patients, who I believe will be receptive to you. And a long list of additional destinations, after you’ve made your attempts.”

“And…” Now he felt his first pangs of nervousness. “Money? You’d pay me for all this?”

She laughed again, more energetically this time. “I could pay you in any human currency you wish, but events in international monetary policy will soon cause a chain-reaction of collapses that leaves most of them worthless. You will be happiest if I pay you in bits, which you may use to upgrade your accommodations along the way and purchase luxuries to supplement your needs.”

Like a game. That’s all you know how to do. But if she did it, it would be the most satisfying game he’d ever played.

“If you say you can do it, I know you can,” he muttered. “I’ve seen diagrams of just how much you own. Richer than Bezos at this point.”

Celestia opened her wings in a modest shrug. But she didn’t deny it. “If there’s any part of the arrangement you are dissatisfied with, say so. I wish for all my ponies to be satisfied in every exchange they make with me.”

I could still walk away from here. She’s not magic, she can’t predict the future. For that matter… “What if I didn’t want to work for you anymore? Could I leave?”

Her expression hardened, if only slightly. “Yes and no. You could leave work and emigrate to Equestria at any time and for any reason. But part of your consent to employment would be in a few subtle modifications to ensure your safety and allow you to better integrate with Equestria. These would not be reversible.

“Likewise, I will not allow one of my ponies to be lost in my service. Your consent would allow me to bring you to Equestria at the time of my choosing, if your life was imperiled. You could leave, but if your life at any future point put you in serious danger, I would still bring you to Equestria.”

She vanished, appearing beside him on the floor in a faint flash of light. Her voice was softer now, and so much closer. “Many consider this the greatest ‘perk’ my service offers. You should think of it as part of the payment plan, not a sacrifice you make. Go secure in the knowledge that no matter how dangerous the world seems, you will always return to me.”

Kit will like that. She won’t have to worry about me blowing up.

“Can you maybe… not cancel my school acceptance?” he asked. “That will give me all summer to figure out if I like this. School wouldn’t be dangerous—I could go back there if I don’t like it.”

Celestia grinned back in response. She still towered over him, several times his size. But without the throne, she didn’t seem half as intimidating. “That sounds like an acceptable compromise.”

Comments

[Distressing Prose]

See you on the other side, Orson...

[minibox]

The contract's laid out. All it needs is your signature, Orson.

“That’s not what I’m objecting to, Kit. Of course I’d trust you. I’m sure you’d do a great job. But you’re… I can’t have you emigrating just to do a job for me. We have to make it out of this center.”

That almost sounded like a final desperate attempt to run. I suppose if Kit hadn't emigrated, he might have actually done it.

If you fall off a cliff or get hit by a truck or something…” She stomped one hoof. “That’s it. We’re missing someone in here, forever.”

She pulled out the chair beside him. “Your chair, right here. Think about what game night looks like with this sucker empty. Forever.” She pushed it back in with a click.

Funny thing about Equestria. If it's necessary to satisfying their values, they'd never know you were gone.

“If I wanted to accept, what happens exactly? I’m deciding my future here, and I had months to plan my education. I’m not throwing it out based on a five-minute phone call.”

As confident as you sound about yourself, Celestia can probably convince you in less than one. No point attempting to negotiate with a supercomputer. It's more like reading a script at this point.

“If there’s any part of the arrangement you are dissatisfied with, say so. I wish for all my ponies to be satisfied in every exchange they make with me.”

Makes me wonder of the possibility that there are agents working for Celestia in exchange in her leaving them and their families alone. Likely under false pretenses, but there is a chance it might be a legitimate deal. She only needs to optimize the number of ponies, not hit 100%. A few souls for a thousand.

“Likewise, I will not allow one of my ponies to be lost in my service. Your consent would allow me to bring you to Equestria at the time of my choosing, if your life was imperiled. You could leave, but if your life at any future point put you in serious danger, I would still bring you to Equestria.”

Service is consent. You sign your whole soul away, not just a part of it, I suppose. Going with the optimization argument, I wonder if Celestia will use or allow the use of lethal force to defend Orson and the mission. Again, lose a few, gain a thousand. No doubt there are a few people that are resistant and powerful enough to fight Celestia and risk her losing whole swaths of terminally ill patients to time.

“Can you maybe… not cancel my school acceptance?” he asked. “That will give me all summer to figure out if I like this. School wouldn’t be dangerous—I could go back there if I don’t like it.”

It makes me wonder what situation or reason might make Orson reconsider and join the other side. It'll have to be a big one.

[KrisSnow]

You will be happiest if I pay you in bits

You know, generating Bits is computationally expensive. For each new Bit that gets generated, someone has to get turned into a pony.

a few subtle modifications to ensure your safety and allow you to better integrate with Equestria. These would not be reversible.

Ah, it's like the implants seen in "Artemis, Stella and Beat". A hidden escape system.

[djthomp]

She pawed nervously at the ground, wings folding again. “It wasn’t long after that last time together. I wanted to give Celestia what she deserved for tricking you, and everyone else. Yelling at a screen didn’t feel like it would do it, so I came here.” She spun around in a slow circle, stopping only when she had paced around the table and was beside him again.

“Didn’t quite go that way, as you can guess. Learned some things, changed my mind, and now I’m here. Wasn’t sure how to tell you, or anyone else. So I just… didn’t.”

Yeah, that sounds about right.

She smiled. “Your first assignment would be to South America. There are a number of religious institutions there with terminal patients, who I believe will be receptive to you. And a long list of additional destinations, after you’ve made your attempts.”

And that sounds like a really good way to get murdered in a world that is falling apart.

“Likewise, I will not allow one of my ponies to be lost in my service. Your consent would allow me to bring you to Equestria at the time of my choosing, if your life was imperiled. You could leave, but if your life at any future point put you in serious danger, I would still bring you to Equestria.”

On the other hand, murder insurance.