The Tough Tavern

ERainbow Dash Vs Papillon Blue
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Comedy
A nice fun story
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Polaris Solarmoon · 1.6k words · 204 views

Rainbow Dash brings Fluttershy to one of her favorite hang out spots, a little Bar known as The Tough Tavern. Let us see how this goes...

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Loganberry

Loganberry #1 · Oct 21st, 2022 · · ·

Hello! Have a review. The twist is amusing if obvious, and cameos like Gilda's are fun. It's all a bit loose and scattergun, though, and it desperately needs proofreading. Plus Rainbow ordering water in a tavern like that? I sadly can't rate this fic highly as it stands, but fixing those issues would bump it into my next rating up.

Polaris Solarmoon

Polaris Solarmoon #2 · Oct 22nd, 2022 · · ·

11400732

A: I don't think rainbow would drink anyway as she's an athlete and mostly hangs out here.

B: feel free to proofread it yourself cus I can't do any better ...

Polaris Solarmoon

Polaris Solarmoon #3 · Oct 22nd, 2022 · · ·

11401410
Sorry if this was bitter but I really tried my best on this one...

Loganberry

Loganberry #4 · Oct 22nd, 2022 · · ·

11401413
Hi again. I'm not doubting the effort for a moment. You don't write 70 fics unless you try. I know it's not the nicest feeling to get a negative review, as I've been there myself. (Here's one of the worst reviews I've received.) I have to be honest about what I think when I write a review, since just saying I loved everything I read would be useless to my readers, who are hoping for information about what stories are like. But yeah, it's not the easiest thing to get, and it definitely isn't meant personally. If you enjoy writing ponyfic, which you must do to write so much of it, that's all that matters. I hope you write more and enjoy doing it.

As far as proofreading goes, it's mostly little things in The Tough Tavern. For example, instead of:

"Welcome to The Tough Tavern, How Tough are ya?" The bouncer said.

it would read more smoothly if you'd written it as:

"Welcome to the Tough Tavern. How tough are ya?" the bouncer said.

You don't need to capitalise the word after the closing quote in speech, unless it's a word that's capitalised anyway like a name. On the other hand, you do always need to capitalise names, so where right near the end you have "she and rainbow leave for her home" that needs to be "she and Rainbow leave for her home". Actually "left for her home", because...

Another little thing is keeping the tenses consistent. In some places you've got the narrative in the past tense ("the bouncer said") and in others it's in the present tense ("Rainbow Dash answers him"). That looks as if you can't decide which to use. Pick one and stick to it; the past usually works best for stories like this.

That kind of thing, anyway. There's some cute and fun stuff in your fic, and keeping the underlying story the same but making it read more smoothly would turn it into a better story. You don't have to, of course -- it's your story, not mine. But hopefully there's at least a little bit you find helpful in here. Enjoy your writing!