DADA Year 2: DAMAs and Dementors
“SCOOTALOO!” Hermione screamed as she floated up to the ceiling of Classroom 104 and saw who was already waiting for her.
“Miss Granger, no running in class. That’ll be five points from Gryffindor,” Discord scolded from the front of the classroom as Hermione bolted towards her girlfriend as soon as her feet touched the ceiling
“Hey Herm…,” Scootaloo attempted to reply only to be caught cold as Hermione slapped her cheek, hard.
“Yow, what was that for?” Scootaloo questioned rubbing her cheek whilst looking up at Hermione with a somewhat surprised, somewhat hurt expression.
“That’s for scaring me half to death…again,” Hermione admonished. “And this is for saving Apple Bloom.” She pulled Scootaloo’s hand away from her cheek and tenderly kissed the aforementioned cheek better.
There was no time for any more catching up though as Discord’s voice hollered yet again from the front of the classroom, “Take your seats please and take out a quill and some parchment; we’ve a lot to get through today.” He then turned and addressed Hermione and Scootaloo. “I know you two want to catch up. If you behave and do the work I have planned, I’ll let you have five minutes at the end of the lesson before I take Miss Prewett back to the infirmary, understood?”
Hermione didn’t need telling twice. She pulled the chair out next to Scootaloo and sat down, hauling all of Lockhart’s texts, some parchment, a quill and a pot of ink from her bag in the process.
“Excellent. As you are all now well aware, Professor Lockhart met an unfortunate end two nights ago. At Dumbledore’s request I, Professor Discord, Lord, Master and God of Chaos shall be filling in for him this year as your Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Miss Jones, I see you sniggering there,” he said sharply, “Can you kindly tell your classmates what was the first thing I taught you last year?”
Megan stopped whispering and joking with Hannah and turned to Discord with the look of someone about to be hit by the killing curse.
“That our enemies will not play fair or have a moral code of conduct, sir,” she replied nervously.
“Correct, well done, and might I add that any more chatter between you three while I’m talking,” he said as he indicated Megan, Hannah and Leanne, “and I’ll double your homework, understood?”
The three girls gulped in unison before replying as one, “Yes, sir.”
“Excellent. Now let that be a warning to all you newcomers and those of you who may have forgotten over the summer. I am a strict but fair teacher. If you respect me, as Miss Granger has just done, I will respect and reward you. If you don’t, well, let me just say the result will be chaotic. Understood?” Discord ended with a mischievous grin.
“Yes, Professor Discord,” the class chorused with some nervous gulps emanating from a few sections of the room.
“I’m glad to hear that. Now, on to more pressing matters. Firstly, do we have anymore absentees aside Miss Apple and Miss Belle? One, six, ten, fourteen, twenty, perfect. Miss Bones might I ask what is the matter?” Discord enquired as Susan stuck her hand into the air.
“W-what happened to Sweetie? Is she alright? She hasn’t been expelled, has she?” Susan requested urgently.
A few uneasy murmurs broke out amongst the Hufflepuffs upon that last question and Discord had to raise his voice to make himself be heard above the chatter.
“Silence, please. Miss Belle has, most definitely, not been expelled. Unfortunately though, some personal issues arose during her meeting with Dumbledore and as such she is currently having a nap in the infirmary whilst Madam Pomfrey examines her. She will be back in lessons tomorrow morning; that I can be sure of. That is all the information I am currently allowed to disclose on the matter and while we are on the subject might I remind everyone that I will not tolerate truancy from my lessons for any reason, okay?”
Another chorus of, “Yes, Professor Discord,” reverberated around the room and the class fell silent once more. Susan wanted to push the matter further but knew any attempt would be rebuffed and she would just end up losing her house points, getting a detention or worse.
“Good. Now, shall we get on with the lesson proper?” Discord asked rhetorically not waiting for a response before he went on. “I’m unsure what that two-faced buffoon Quirrell taught you last year but understand that I shall not be going over my year one material in class and it is up to you to catch up. To assist you in this I have assigned each Gryffindor a Hufflepuff study buddy for the year. When I call out your name, please find your buddy and sit next to them. “Brown and Abbot, Dunbar and Bones, Finnigan and Finch-Fletchley, Granger and Prewett, Longbottom and Apple, Patil and Moon, Potter and Jones, Thomas and Hopkins, Roper and Macmillan, Weasley and Belle. As there are two more Hufflepuffs than Gryffindors Miss Smith and Perks you can continue to study with each other while for today Longbottom and Weasley can pair up due to Miss Apple’s and Miss Belle’s absence,” Discord explained as the class shifted itself around to pair up with their newly applied study buddy. "Right, now that that is sorted, I expect each of you to order via owl the following textbooks, if you do not already own a copy of them that is.” A fox appeared in his right hand and, holding it by its tail, he pointed at some writing on the blackboard behind him with its muzzle.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble.
The Essential Defence Against the Dark Arts by Arsenius Jigger
Curses and Counter-Curses (Bewitch your Friends and Befuddle your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and much, much more) by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Hermione’s hand immediately shot into the air.
With a resigned sigh Discord pointed at her with the fox.
“Sir, is it really wise for us to be learning curses and what of Lockhart’s texts?”
“I am personally not a fan of the late Professor Lockhart’s works and do not feel they will be of any use in preparing you for the harsh reality of the outside world,” Discord stated bluntly before clarifying. “Let me expand on what Miss Jones just told us Miss Granger. The world is not all sunshine and rainbows, rather full of monsters lurking in the shadows just waiting to strike and kill you at the first opportunity they get. I personally hope you never have to meet them, but, if unfortunately, you do, it is my job to ensure you are properly prepared and will survive such an encounter, even if you have to perform some dirty underhanded tricks to do so. Lockhart’s books teach you nothing of the sort. They glamorise and ill-prepare you for such encounters, making it seem that dealing with a werewolf is no harder than dealing with a flubberworm while some of the spells mentioned within them are, let us say, questionable at best. It is your choice which route you would rather follow, the path of fiction and fantasy or the path of fact and reality; just don’t expect me to come to your rescue if the former fails in your time of need. So, what shall it be?” Discord asked walking over to the desk Hermione and Scootaloo shared.
For a moment Hermione sat there unsure what to say. Having already read all seven of her now deceased idol's books she wanted to defend him and his life’s works but found she couldn’t find the words to do so as reality struck. Everything Discord had said was true. She couldn’t recollect even one piece of useful information from the books that would help her if she ever had the misfortune to meet such vile creatures. Yes, there had been a number of spells mentioned but no instructions on how to cast them, nor was there information on how to stay calm in such situations, or…
“Well, Miss Granger, I’m waiting,” Discord pressed.
Reluctantly Hermione closed her eyes and, to Scootaloo’s astonishment, pushed the pile of seven books across to Discord as a tear slipped down her cheek upon the realisation that her hero’s tales had been nothing more than fantasy that had been stupidly believed because of a silly young girl’s crush. Discord tapped the pile with his wand making them disappear to goodness knows where before replacing them with the two books that hadn’t been on the second-years required book list in their previous year.
“That’s what I thought. I’m sorry to have had to do that to you but it was vital I made you understand the difference between fact and fiction before it was too late,” Discord said sympathetically before lifting his head and addressing the whole class once again. “If anyone else wishes to trade Lockhart’s texts for ones they don’t have, I will be more than happy to oblige at the end of the lesson. For now, before I continue with the rest of the lesson I just wish to remind and inform you all that I will only teach you jinxes and hexes, as these are quite easily rectifiable. Curses on the other hand are the darkest of all dark magic, irreversible and can corrupt even the most honest and noble of witches and wizards. Anyone who dares to even attempt to learn one shall receive a personal one way trip to Azkaban. Do I make myself clear?” Discord growled ominously.
A round of fearful nods was what he received in reply.
“That’s what I like to see. Now, on to the next topic of discussion,” Discord said as he returned to the front of the class and snapped two of his fingers. The writing on the board immediately changed. “This is a summary of what was taught to the Hufflepuffs in their first year. I suggest you Gryffindors note this down quickly.”
1. The three unforgivable curses and ways to combat them.
2. The three types of dark charms, using these to your advantage, and ways to combat them.
3. Dark Creatures and how to deal with such foul beasts.
There was some hasty scribbling as the Gryffindors obeyed Discord’s command, Hermione wiping the tear from her cheek as she did so with a look of steely resolve. “And here is a list of the creatures that were studied last year.” The writing changed once again and the scribbling of quills meeting parchment continued. After a short period, Discord continued. “We all caught up? Perfect. This is the level I currently expect you to be at. Do not worry if there are gaps in your knowledge right now. Over the course of the year your homework assignments and study buddies will assist you in filling the gaps. Just be grateful this is only your second year and such gaps can be easily filled. The fifth-years I had first thing this morning have two, three, even four years’ worth of knowledge to catch up on and are going to be seriously overloaded in the run up to their O.W.Ls at the end of the year.” Discord paused for a moment before going on. “Now, let us proceed with what we shall be studying this year. In light of recent developments, I have decided to make a slight alteration to the schedule.” He snapped his fingers again and the words on the blackboard altered once more.
1. Dark Magical Artifacts (DMAs).
2. All remaining Dark Creatures and how to deal with them.
3. Preparation for Magical Duels in your third year.
As quills hit parchment for the third time Discord asked the second-years. “For ten house points, can someone define to me what a Dark Magical Artifact is and provide an example?”
Hermione’s hand immediately shot into the air.
“Yes, Miss Granger.”
“A Dark Magical Artifact or DMA is an item imbued with sinister and dangerous magical powers or dark magic. An example would be any one of numerous titles stored in the restricted section of the library,” Hermione explained sombrely.
“Precisely. Ten points to Gryffindor. I hope you were all copying down what Miss Granger just said,” Discord replied as the students quills scribbled away rapidly once more. “There are many different types of DMAs out there and the Ministry has numerous departments dealing with them, such as the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office run by Arthur Weasley, which deals with mainly low-level items, such as shrinking keys and bewitched tea sets, that are no more than a nuisance. There are though a lot of seriously dangerous items out there that can quite easily kill or seriously injure even the most highly skilled of witches and wizards, such as this.” Discord pulled Tom Riddle’s diary from his suit.
It was Sophie Roper who raised her hand and asked the question. “But sir, doesn't that look like just an ordinary diary?”
“Exactly. I’m glad you pointed that out Miss Roper, five more points to Gryffindor. You see, that is what makes DMAs so dangerous. Absolutely anything can be cursed and then, before you realise it you are suffering a slow and agonising death.”
There were gasps of shock and astonishment from the students upon that point. Discord waited until the hubbub had died down before continuing.
“I am, unfortunately, forbidden by Dumbledore himself to go into any further details about just what this item in my hand was and why it was so deadly until I dealt with it, but what I can say is that it is considered to be the product of the darkest of all arts and the most terrible of all dark magic with a punishment set by the Ministry of a Dementor’s kiss, a fate worse than death itself and something you shall learn about later today.”
More gasps and whispers filled the classroom. Discord ignored them.
“There is little more I can tell you about DMAs I’m afraid as unsurprisingly they are poorly documented. This is often down to the fact that such items are often kept secret until required to commit the foulest of deeds, along with being practically undetectable until touched. Also, any that the Ministry do discover are often kept secret and not revealed to the public, to prevent giving any ideas to other witches and wizards. It is for these reasons that I won’t be setting you any homework on them, instead just asking that if you ever come across a suspicious object you’re unsure about, no matter how tempting it may be, don’t touch it until you’re sure it is safe to do so and the item isn’t cursed. If you think it is cursed, contact the Ministry ASAP and make sure no one touches it until the Ministry arrives and can deal with it. This may seem like an obvious bit of advice, but you would be surprised how many magicians forget it. I hope you all do well to remember it, as it could very well save your life one day and if it helps, the Ministry has a simple three-point strategy in tackling such items.” Discord snapped his fingers and the writing on the board changed for what felt like the thousandth time already to Scootaloo.
1. Identify
2. Report
3. Dispose discreetly and safely
Discord waited again as the class attempted to catch up on writing down everything he had just told them. “Okay, now before I move on, any questions?”
A number of hands shot into the air.
“Bearing in mind I can’t tell you anymore about the diary.”
All bar Hermione’s and Ron’s hands dropped down.
“Master Weasley, please enlighten us with your question.”
“My dad has always told me, my brothers and my sister that you should never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain. Are dark magical artifacts sentient in any way?”
“A very good question and it truly depends just what magical properties have been applied to them. Some are, but not all of them, and as I just mentioned this is what makes them so hard to detect. I hope that answers your question. Now, Miss Granger, why am I not surprised you’ve got a question for me?”
“Well, I’ve several, Professor Discord, sir. But I’ll keep it to one. Are all dark magical artifacts cursed?”
“Another brilliant question. And the simple answer is no. Most are normal items that have been cursed in some way, usually to cause anyone who touches them harm. There are some though that are simply created using dark magic and will cause you no actual harm. I hope that answers your question Miss Granger.”
Hermione nodded her head in reply.
“Brilliant!” Discord said with a smile and a clap of his hands before becoming deadly serious once again. “Let’s move on. I must warn you all now though that the three creatures we shall be studying over the next month are very disturbing and I will not hold anything against any of you who wish to be excused at any point. Who here has heard of Dementors, Lethifolds and Inferi?”
Only Hermione’s hand slowly rose in the air.
“Why, Miss Granger, am I again not at all surprised?”
*
“Dementors and lethifolds are possibly the two most dangerous creatures we will study. Although the latter has been classed as a beast, they are both in fact non-beings, a type of magical spirit created out of human emotions. As such, they are not technically physically alive and so cannot be killed, only driven off for a set amount of time,” Discord informed his class before turning his attention onto Hermione. “Miss Granger, I’m guessing you know what spell is used to dispel a dementor?”
“The Patronus charm sir, an immensely complicated and extremely difficult spell that if cast correctly creates a partially-tangible positive energy force known as a Patronus or spirit guardian,” Hermione replied robotically.
“Perfect, five more points to Gryffindor and that is why I shall be attempting to teach you the Patronus charm from next week. As Miss Granger stated though, it is a highly complex charm and some of you will likely be unable to cast it at your current ability, while others may never be able to produce one. This is why your training for such a spell shall be ongoing across your time here at Hogwarts and also do not worry as I’m attempting to teach you this spell for your own protection, which means that you will not be marked practically on it at any point in your Hogwarts education,” Discord explained further. “Miss Granger, would you care to enlighten us as to why dementors are so dangerous?”
“They feed on human happiness sir and as such cause depression and despair in anyone who gets near them. They also have the power to suck out a person’s soul, a fate worse than death, as the person would still be alive but in a vegetative state and unable to ever recover to what they once were.”
“Outstanding. Five more points to Gryffindor. Now, can anyone aside Miss Granger hazard a guess as to what a dementor looks like?”
For a short while there were numerous shakes of heads until slowly Susan raised her hand.
“Yes, Miss Bones. Go ahead.”
“They are similar in shape to ourselves, just a lot taller and they float above the ground. They wear black cloaks and their faces, my word, their faces. I’ll never get that image out of my head but it’s so horrific I can barely put it into words. I guess the closest definition would be a decomposing corpse,” Susan said distantly.
“That’s more detail than I was expecting but correct all the same Susan. Ten points to Hufflepuff. Might I enquire though as to where you met a dementor?”
“My aunt is Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement for the Ministry. She had to make a visit to Azkaban in the summer and thought it highly educational if I accompanied her. I’ve never been so scared in my life,” Susan explained with a shudder as she remembered the terrible ordeal.
“An so you should have been, although I’m glad to see it had the desired effect she wanted. If you need some time, feel free to step out of class for a moment to catch your breath,” Discord said without emotion.
“Thanks sir, but I’ll be fine,” Susan replied taking a deep breath.
“So be it and for any who may have forgotten or who weren’t in my class last year, Azkaban is Britain’s wizarding prison. It is on an unplottable island in the North Sea. To save money on guards and to stop the dementors that inhabit the island from spreading across Britain, the Ministry uses the dementors as guards. I truly hope that is enough to deter any of you from being tempted by darkness in the future. As for now, I’d like you all to bring out your copies of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and take further notes from there for the remainder of the lesson. Any further questions you may have I shall be happy to answer before you leave,” Discord ordered as he walked back to the seat behind his desk and started to mark the answers to the pop quiz he had set his fifth-years that morning.
*
Discord made his way across the ceiling of Classroom 104 to where his daughter and her girlfriend still sat, the rest of the class having departed five minutes previous at the appearance of Wally, who, quite impolitely, had told them all to “Get the fuck out; this lesson is officially fucking over bitches.”
“And that’s when she rose from her seat and walked out!” Hermione exclaimed to a gobsmacked Scootaloo who had asked her how Sweetie had managed to get herself sent to Dumbledore’s office.
“She didn’t,” Scootaloo muttered under her breath.
Hermione nodded her head in reply. “Oh, she did. And that wasn’t even the craziest part.”
“What? Did everyone follow her out or something?” Scootaloo scoffed and then saw the reaction her suggestion had had on her girlfriend’s facial expression. “Oh, sweet Celestia, you did, didn’t you?”
“I can most certainly say that I didn’t. You delinquent bunch of badgers on the other hand…”
“Seriously, every one of my housemates? Professor McGonagall must have been pissed,” Scootaloo giggled.
“Yes, one by one they rose and left. Damn badgers and their loyalty. And Professor McGonagall certainly wasn’t happy about it and proceeded to be quite judgemental on our attempts to cast the spell she set us because of it. Poor Ron and Neville seemed to get the brunt of her irritation from being so blatantly disobeyed and were particularly relieved when she let us out fifteen minutes early so that she could go deal with the matter,” Hermione stated flatly.
“Miss Granger, I hope you are not giving my daughter any ideas?” Discord stated coldly approaching the two girls. “As if she even thinks about playing truant she’ll find herself with more than an ankle lock on this time.”
Scootaloo gulped and squirmed as her father placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed ever so slightly.
“Understood?”
“Yes dad,” Scootaloo squeaked nervously as Hermione snickered at her girlfriend’s discomfort.
“Very good. Now, you have a choice to make. I can either take you back to the infirmary right now, or, seeing as you were both so well behaved and I don’t have a class to teach in my final period, you can both stay here and catch up on your transfiguration. I feel it only fair to let you two have some time together considering…” Discord got no further as he found a pair of arms wrapped around his waist.
“Thanks Dad,” Scootaloo exclaimed beaming up at her father.
Discord placed a box on the table before reciprocating the hug. “That’s what I thought. But you better have made some progress on these beetles by the time I come back. No solely spending the entire period chatting to each other,” he finished, booping his daughter on the nose and transfiguring it into an elephant’s trunk! “Or that remains for the whole of Friday,” he added devilishly.
“Hey, no fair!” Scootaloo exclaimed before letting out a small toot from her new nose that made her go red in embarrassment as Hermione broke down laughing uncontrollably.
Finally managing to get a hold of herself Hermione exclaimed. “Oh, she won’t sir, I’ll make sure of that. Otherwise, I’ll have her writing out the essay we were given for homework instead.”
“I don’t doubt it and trust you completely. It is why I chose you to be my daughter’s tutor in the first place. Just don’t abuse that trust or you can trust me when I say that it won’t end well for you.” And on that note Discord snapped his fingers once more leaving behind a plate of biscuits next to the box of beetles along with two glasses and a jug of squash.
Hermione gulped eyes going wide. “S-so,” she stammered, “Shall I begin with the basics and then, while w-we practice, you can give me an update on that foot of yours?”
“Ignore him. He even dares to touch a hair on your head and I’ll normalise his office in retaliation. And that’s after I send him to Uranus. Now, as for your suggestion, sounds like a date!” Scootaloo ended mischievously, leaning in and kissing her girlfriend on the cheek.
The pressure on Hermione’s shoulders instantly melted away as her face went red with embarrassment.
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You made the pink terror immortal? Now I'll have nightmares for years.
Poor Scoots, but loved the backstory on DMAs and Pinkie's Chaoslings are going to be a delight. As for Luna, I have a prank idea for Twilight:
Cast a spell so that every food item she looks at will look like a quesadilla (she'll have to overcome her fears and eat one for the spell to break)
You should be TOTALLY happy with this chapter. Keep up the good work.
By chaos queen you mean unpredictable right?
Oh shoot, i just remember Ocellus is still a nymph. Thorax will have an awkward time adjusting as the only normal changeling left
This Equestria seems less and less friendly be the minute.
10745745
OH C'MON, she's building a giant water park, what's not to love about that?
10745463
Means the world to me, thank you!!!!
10744744
10745424
Luna is so gonna do that at some point.
10745839
That isn funny!
10745840
Ooh, okay!
10745841
It totally was.
10745846
no it wasn't.
Still this here:
is the best part of the entire chapter and I almost feel sorry for the biggest of eggheads.
Since this doesn't state Princess Luna specificly, does that mean other Luna's, like Luna Lovegood for example, are allowed to prank her without the fear of punishment as well?
10745851
Hmm, I hadn't actually thought of that, good point!
Alright, I'm out.
I enjoyed the first book.
This, however, has become TOO silly...
Enjoy yourself, but it's not my cup of tea.
10748757
Fair enough. I hate to lose a reader, but unfortunately I can't suit everyone's preferences. I prefer writing comedy and that was always my intention especially in this second year. Serious stuff can wait till year 3 and beyond.
You are certainly pushing the goofy button with this one, but I can get behind that. Discord still has his serious moments, to allow for the fact that the Wizarding World isn't the same as Equestria, and not all problems are so easily solved as evolving into a god, and of course, there's the fact that you have shown previously, Gods in this setting are more Nordic than others, mostly just really powerful, but not all powerful. It will be interesting to see what happens later on, when a fully empowered Moldybutt goes up against him.
That said, yeah, good class, and nice laying down of ground rules, something the canon of this series could have used more of.