Two noble stallions, one the Grand Duke of Canterlot and scion of the noblest of houses, the other the heir to a name long forgotten the name that once belonged to the Arch-Dukes of the Twilight vale. They duel for honor, to settle a grievance's both long-standing and newly made, all of which has culminated in what may forever be known as the greatest tragedy of the 11th century. They both have regrets, they both have something to lose and leave behind, but they have realized it all too late for one does not simply walk away from a duel. Now they must grab their pistols and walk their paces.
Chapters (1)
Very weird.
seriously this story needs more ending.
One with Blueblood wins, Knows that Stallion he killed is about to get married, saw Twilight broken because of her brother death, and wonders what happened if he apologizes when he meets Shining that night, his Auntie disappointed in him for accepting the tradition that she hates the most ...
or ones with Shinning wins, what Blueblood's sister feels when she realizes that her brother who protects her from abuse is gone.When Celestia tells him that Blueblood protects his sis from being sold and abuse,...
or they both survive and realize they trade their lives over something meaningless and laugh it off
You have a good core, duels and 19-20th century nobility and social norms are a great setting. However, none of your characters get nearly enough screentime to properly flourish.
I still ultimately gave your story an upvote, however:
Blueblood's tragic backstory is largely skimmed over in a very tell-not-show kind of way. Telling us that he was beaten is far-far less impactful than actually portraying the event in question. Similarly Shining's regret over his actions at stopping the revolt are also very-very surface level and doesn't allow us nearly enough opportunity to properly learn his feelings. Simply put at the moment the actual duel happens and the shots are fired, the reader is not given ample reason to really care about its outcome. The futility of their deaths is of course tragic, but I found myself not really caring about the loss of either character, because there was simply not enough time for me to become invested in them.
Finally, forgive me for saying this, but the ending is really weird. Throwing in that Fancy Pants is actually gay for him is really awkward. And not because he's gay, that's completely fine, but rather the fact that this is the first time this comes up in the story and there isn't even an inkling of an implication that the two might have harbored feelings for each other. So when he shows up, hollers about their marriage and then promptly disappears from the plot, it almost feels comical instead of dramatic. Similarly, the appearance of the princesses is not only unexplained (who told them? why didn't they come earlier?), but they literally do nothing except gawk at the scene and then Luna utters "why" before the story promptly ends.
The only piece of advice I can give to you is to not be afraid to write more. Sure, stories dragging isn't particularly nice either, but it's still a lesser evil than important plot points going unexplored. You have a nice style and as I've mentioned in the beginning, you got a great core conflict, so I'm sure if you heed this, you'll start writing really impactful stories.
11075082
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Thanks for the review and for the advice. I did kinda feel like the story would have dragged a little if I had kept writing. I'll probably come back and write a better ending chapter. Which I had planned to do but it was like 11:00 by the time I finished writing so
11075049
Yeah I'll probably write some more endings when I get some time. I've already got some ideas floating around for at least a few. Thanks for the comment btw.
11075121
I'll be curious to see that.
By the way, I'm curious, what did you base the dueling part of this story on? Pushkin's Onegin? Maybe Hamilton? Or just purely history?
11075167
A combination of Hamilton and a song called pistols and paces by Shayfer James. I also took some of my own thoughts on the idiocy of historical duels after reading about a few.